Nicky wasn't too surprised or worried when Red opted to spend her Sunday alternating between reading in bed and sleeping. She stayed in her pajamas all day and silenced her phone so that she wouldn't have to speak to anybody. Nicky didn't make much of it. Pouting for a day or two was not the most unusual thing Red had ever done and it was obvious that she had chosen to take what Gloria had said as a personal rejection. Nicky knew this was completely irrational, but she also knew there was no point in trying to reason with Red when she was in a mood like this.
So, even though being around Red was far from being a pleasure, Nicky decided to be a good daughter and keep her company anyway. She dragged her school bag into the room and spent most of Sunday sitting crossed legged next to Red on the bed, doing prep work for her upcoming exam. Red, for her part, had more or less ignored Nicky's existence. She answered when Nicky spoke to her but made it quite clear that she would prefer silence. When Nicky had asked her if she wanted to turn her ringtone back on so that she wouldn't miss a call from Gloria, Red had only scoffed at her. Nicky had given up after that. She knew her mother would come around in her own time and not a moment sooner.
Gloria was doing the right thing. Nicky believed that without a shadow of a doubt. It would have been good if she had been more open about her plans, instead of leading Red on, but maybe Gloria hadn't fully processed the reality of coming home until very recently. Nicky was fully prepared to cut Gloria some slack in that regard. Hope could be a dangerous thing. Thinking too far ahead often resulted in depression. Sometimes the only way to survive was to temporarily forget that a life existed outside of the prison walls. Perhaps Gloria had not begun allowing herself to make future plans before this point because it would have only made her remaining time feel even longer.
Nicky had a lot of appreciation for Gloria's dedication to her sons. Good parents made sacrifices for their kids and, after growing up with parents who had never prioritized her ahead of themselves, she respected Gloria's good intentions. She was putting her boys first, quite possibly for the first time in their lives. While she might have always meant well, there was no denying that Gloria had hurt her sons in many different ways both before and after her incarceration. Before they had even been school age, Gloria had broken it off with their father and he had simply vanished out of their lives. As little boys, Julio and Benny had been witness to domestic violence and they had been forced to watch as their mother was handcuffed and shoved into the back of a police cruiser. They hadn't seen her again until she was dressed in prison orange and trying to tearfully explain to them that she would not be coming home for a long time. It was all so tragic and Gloria had many wounds to focus on healing once she got back.
When the time had come for Nicky to get ready to leave for her shift at the restaurant, she had closed her Psychology textbook with a resounding slam and then stacked it on the bedside table with her notebook. She'd glanced over at Red who was sitting up in the bed reading a Russian novel that she must have read a thousand times before, the pages looked so worn.
"I bet I'll get an A," Nicky had announced confidently. She blocked the page Red was currently reading with her hand so that she would be forced to pay attention to her.
"I'm sure you will," Red had replied. She flicked Nicky's hand away and resumed her reading.
Nicky had then left the room to change into her uniform. Going to work would almost be a relief after the long tense day she had just spent at home with Red. She had plans to hang out with Piper and Alex for a bit after her shift was over, and was looking forward to spending time with people who actually wanted to interact with her. As she pulled her hair up into a thick ponytail, Nicky walked back into Red's room to give her a kiss goodbye. Much to her annoyance, Red had already been curling up beneath the covers for what had to be her third nap of the day.
"Okay, I realize that you're sad right now but you can't just sleep all the time," Nicky had sighed. Red's response had been to burrow even deeper under her blanket.
"If you don't get out of bed tomorrow than I guess I'll drag you around town running errands against your will. Let's see how you like that," Nicky had joked lightly. "You didn't let me get away with lying around feeling depressed about my Dad. Don't you think this is just a little bit hypocritical?"
"I'm not feeling sorry for myself," Red had retorted, opening her eyes to glare across the room at Nicky, "I am exhausted. Besides, it's Sunday. Aren't I entitled to a day of rest like anybody else? It's in the Bible."
"I thought you weren't religious?" Nicky had smirked.
"I'm not," Red had insisted, "but that doesn't mean I don't deserve a day in bed every now and then."
Nicky had decided to leave it at that. She kissed her mother goodbye and went to work. When she got home after meeting up with Piper and Alex, it was well after midnight and Red was in a deep sleep.
The next few days Red was working long hours and, with Nicky working nights, they barely crossed paths. That was alright, Nicky knew Red wanted time to be by herself. She had the tendency to retreat and prefer to handle emotional things alone. Quite an interesting tendency for a woman who loved being there for everyone else, and maybe that was part of the problem. Maybe Red was struggling to accept that she couldn't fix things for Gloria and the two boys she had grown to love so dearly. Sometimes she couldn't control everything.
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It was early Thursday morning and Red was sitting at the kitchen table quietly drinking her morning coffee and nibbling on a piece of buttered toast. She didn't feel like making anything more for herself than that. She had barely cooked all this week, quite possibly her surest sign of depression. Red had been doing her level best to ignore the little voice in her head that had been repeatedly informing her that she was being dramatic and selfish. Maybe she was being those things, but it wasn't as if she could control how she felt. It was sort of amusing how much that little voice had begun to sound like Nicky, though. Just when had her daughter gotten so smart?
Nicky was still sound asleep in the disaster area that she called a bedroom. Red had barely interacted with her at all this week because she hadn't wanted a lecture. She wasn't sure when their roles had begun to reverse but she still wasn't sure how she felt about it. Besides, she didn't need Nicky to tell her that it would be unreasonable to expect anything more from Gloria than what she was prepared to give. If Red had been in Gloria's position, she knew with absolute certainty that her measures would have been even more drastic. Red would have done the same thing had her sons still been children. A mother made sacrifices for the betterment of her children, not the opposite. If Gloria had not been nervous about Julio and Benny's adjustment, then she wouldn't be the person Red loved. She understood and respected the choices Gloria made as a mother, but that didn't make it any easier to be cast aside. It was a devastating blow for Red to realize that she didn't really belong with them right now.
There was a knock at the door and Red sighed before reluctantly getting up to answer it. Yuri often dropped by to see her on his way to work in the morning, but he always let himself in. The clock showed that it was only a little after eight. It was too early for anybody else to be calling. She swung open the door.
"Oh, Julio," Red murmured softly at the sight of Gloria's oldest son, "good morning." She held open the door for him to come inside and then closed it firmly. Red tapped her fingers against the brass handle before she turned around to face him. He was dressed in blue jeans and a t-shirt and had his backpack slung over one shoulder. He dropped his bag onto the couch and plopped down beside it. He hadn't spoken a word yet.
"Are you on your way to school?" Red asked him calmly, even though she knew to get to her place he would have had to walk in the opposite direction.
"I left the house early to come visit you first," Julio said quietly, "I thought maybe you had caught the same flu Tia Lourdes has. Are you sick?"
"Sick?" Red asked, as she passed him on her way over to the kitchen sink. She turned on the tap and began rinsing out her coffee mug and plate.
"No, I'm not sick," she said quietly, "maybe a little tired."
Julio let out a shaky sort of laugh. "You should have just gone with the alibi that I offered you," he said from his place on the couch, "now I don't know what to think."
Red gripped the edge of the counter and took a couple of calming breaths with her back to him. Then she reached for the dishcloth and turned around to begin wiping some imaginary crumbs off of the table. Her face was the picture of calm, although a flush had overcome her when she had glanced at him quickly and seen the expression on his face. She hadn't been expecting to be confronted this early in the morning before she had planned an appropriate response.
"Julio," she sighed, her eyes fixed upon the table she was wiping, "is this about last night?"
"You told him you were going to be there," Julio said softly, "and then you didn't even bother to call and say you couldn't come."
"I should have called," Red admitted, turning her back on him once again so that she could return the dishrag to its place over the tap. She was finding it very difficult to look Julio in the eye right now. She probably should have just gone ahead and pretended to be sick, but she had never been a liar. What she was, was emotionally fatigued, without a desire to do or go anywhere. She just wasn't sure how to express that to a teenage boy.
Red had planned to attend the school's Creative Arts Night and watch with pride as Benny received an award for the essay he had written. Until Saturday, she had even been really looking forward to it. It was a remarkable achievement for a boy who had been struggling academically and interpersonally for years. Yet, Gloria's revelation that she wanted a bit of distance between them while she focused on her boys alone, had caused Red to lose her enthusiasm for their special occasions. She felt Gloria had undermined everything she had given and been for Julio and Benny since she had come into their lives. So, although she had been looking forward to supporting Benny and making the fuss over his achievements that he deserved, when the time had come for Red to get ready to go last night she had found she couldn't face it. She had gone to bed instead.
"I just wouldn't have been very good company last night," Red told Julio honestly, choosing her words carefully. She gripped the edge of the counter and still had her back to him.
"Is everything okay?" Julio asked, frowning slightly in concern.
Red outlined her bottom lip with her finger tip and considered the question for a moment.
"Everything is fine," Red said at last, "nothing you need to worry about."
"I just don't understand why you wouldn't let him know you weren't coming," Julio said, a little testily, "I know you didn't forget."
"Benny didn't really want me there anyway," Red said brusquely. "He didn't even want me to know about it. If I recall, he was annoyed when you brought it up."
"I think he just tends to downplay things because he's not used to getting so much attention," Julio replied. "He doesn't know how to react. It was the same when Yuri, Max, and Vasily would come watch his basketball games, back when he still played. It always made him happy that they came, but he'd act like it didn't matter much to him."
Red's stomach twisted in a knot and she tried to ignore the guilty feelings that overcame her. She reminded herself that in a matter of weeks Gloria would be home to attend school functions with them and then they probably wouldn't even want her there. It was no excuse for breaking her word to a sixteen-year-old boy though. There was no good way to defend herself.
"Julio, it won't happen again," Red said shakily, as she turned around to look him in the eye, "I promise." Then she picked up her rag and began scrubbing at the kitchen cupboards to have something to do in the awkward silence that came over them.
Nicky chose that moment to walk into the room. She glanced quizzically between Red and Julio, before going to the fridge to pour herself a glass of orange juice.
"Benny got his award though?" Red asked Julio, trying to perk up despite feeling as though she had been punched in the stomach. "How was that?"
"He got a ribbon," Julio replied, "best writing entrant in the Sophomore class."
"That's awesome!" Nicky exclaimed enthusiastically. She wiped her mouth on the back of her pajama sleeve.
"Did he have to read an excerpt from it?" she asked.
Julio hesitated, "he was supposed to," he said slowly, "but we left before that part happened. He wanted to go home."
Nicky looked closely at the crestfallen expression on Red's face when Julio spoke. She knew immediately that something must have happened.
"I should…I should go talk to him," Red said faintly. She glanced nervously over at Julio, "try to explain…"
"You can't tell him that I came here and talked to you about it!" Julio said, looking alarmed at the mere thought of it, "he'd kill me!"
"So, I won't say that I talked to you," Red said gruffly. She walked towards her bedroom to quickly change out of her pajamas. Julio leaned back in his seat looking thoroughly miserable.
"What's going on?" Nicky asked, sitting down beside him on the couch.
"Nothing," Julio sighed, "I just came over to find out why she didn't show up last night like she said she would. I thought she would have had a good reason…anyway, I could tell Benny was pretty upset."
"I don't blame him," Nicky said shortly, glaring at the bedroom door that Red had just disappeared through. Nicky knew very well the feeling of accomplishing something and having nobody show up for you. She couldn't believe that Red would have done that to Benny just because she and Gloria were currently at odds.
"I can tell she feels bad about it," Julio said quickly, sensing Nicky's displeasure, "I feel a little guilty for even bringing it up."
"She's not the one you should feel sorry for," Nicky told him, "if I had been home last night, I'd have kicked her ass."
"Is Benny still at home?" Red asked Julio quietly, having re-entered the room. Nicky knew Red must have heard the tail end of what she had said, but she wasn't troubled by that. She deserved to hear it.
"He should be," Julio replied, looking slightly nervous, "he'll be leaving to walk to school soon though. That is, if he's going."
"Make sure you're not late for school," Red said meaningfully, "I'm going to try and catch your brother."
"Don't tell him I was here," Julio warned her.
"I never saw you," Red reassured him distractedly, as she pulled her shoes on. She stood up and was about to walk out the door.
"But honey, I do thank you," Red said quietly, "we'll talk more later. Okay?"
Julio nodded. Red's eyes swept over him and landed on Nicky, who had her arms crossed and was wearing a stony expression upon her face. Red turned and left the apartment without another word. She could only deal with one person being angry with her at a time.
She walked briskly down the street, eager to catch Benny before he set out for school. She hadn't intended to hurt him, but Red knew that if she had been thinking about anybody besides herself last night she would have noted that failing to show up as promised would do just that. She reached the stairwell that led to the Mendoza's apartment at the same time Benny was on his way down.
"What are you doing here?" Benny asked her awkwardly.
"I was hoping that we could talk," Red said honestly.
"Yeah, well I have to get to school," Benny said, adjusting his backpack on his shoulders, "maybe later." He made to walk away.
"We can talk while we walk," Red said, joining in step with him.
Benny scoffed but said nothing. He held onto the straps of his backpack tightly and stared down at his well-worn sneakers.
"I'm sorry I didn't make it last night," Red said directly.
"It's okay," Benny said, perhaps a bit too quickly to seem believable.
"It's not okay," Red replied, "I should have been there. I said that I would be and I had really wanted to."
"It was boring anyway," Benny told her, "I told you that it would be"
The walked in a tense silence. Red wasn't sure what to do. It would have been easier if he had been obviously upset with her instead of putting himself down and pretending his feelings didn't matter.
"I wouldn't have been bored," Red said, "I was really looking forward to being there because I'm so proud of you. I just…was having an off day, I suppose."
"It really doesn't matter," Benny said again, "I told you the whole thing was going to be stupid, and it was. My paper wasn't even that good."
"It had to have been good for you to be honoured in the first place, Benny," Red said as they turned a corner and the school came into sight.
"I would love to read it sometime," she added.
"I wouldn't waste your time," Benny replied.
"Benny—" Red tried to place her hand on his shoulder. Immediately, he jerked away from her touch and created some obvious distance between them. Red's arm dropped limply to her side in defeat.
"I know I hurt you," Red said thickly, "I said I would be there and I wasn't. I wanted to apologize."
"Okay, seriously, Galina," Benny said, his growing impatience becoming obvious in every syllable. "I'm trying to be nice here but how many times do I have to say that I don't care? I didn't ask you to come to the stupid thing, so it definitely doesn't matter to me that you came to your senses and realized how lame it was going to be. Don't worry about it, okay?"
"Okay," Red said in a clipped tone.
"Now, I need to get to class," Benny said. He picked up his pace into a jog and raced ahead of her in the direction of the school without a backwards glance. Red stood on the sidewalk watching him until he reached the school, and then she turned to walk aimlessly down a random street.
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Nicky had been waiting impatiently for Red to return for hours. She had a lot to say to her and could only presume that Red knew this and was choosing to hide out at one of her sons' houses or somewhere alone, rather than coming home to face the music. Julio had left for school awhile ago and Nicky had been lying on the couch with the two dogs ever since.
She heard the familiar humming of a phone that was not hers, and realized that Red must have left it behind in her hurry. At least she had finally relented enough to turn the darn thing back on. Nicky quickly got up and answered it. The intro message from the prison played and then Nicky pushed star so that she could be brought through to Gloria.
"Red?" Gloria's familiar voice said into the phone.
"Nah, it's me," Nicky replied, "she went out somewhere and forgot to bring her phone. So, you get to talk to me instead."
"Oh," Gloria said, sounding a little disappointed, "well, how have you been, Nicky? It's been such a long time since we talked."
"Yeah, well, every time you call you only seem to want to talk to her," Nicky teased, "and I was going to come visit you last Saturday, but Red wouldn't let me."
"Maybe she should have brought you," Gloria said weakly, "it was hardly an enjoyable visit."
"Yeah, I got the aftermath," Nicky replied, "and she's been in an awful mood ever since."
"I didn't want to upset her," Gloria sighed, "and we've barely spoken since then."
"Don't take it personally," said Nicky, "she hasn't been talking to anybody. She'll come around though. She's just being a little high maintenance right now."
"Only right now?" Gloria scoffed, "Nicky, what am I going to do?"
"You're going to do just what you said you were going to do," Nicky said firmly, "because you're right. You know it, I know it, and Red knows it. She'd just been feeling sad lately, but I think she may finally be snapping out of it."
"Why? Did something happen?" asked Gloria.
"Oh, you could say that," Nicky said dryly, "I'm sort of nervous to tell you about it, but you are their mom and all."
"Something about the boys?" Gloria asked worriedly, "Nicky, just tell me."
"Okay, I will," Nicky sighed, "it's just about the Arts Night thing at their school. Did you know about it?"
"Benny was getting an award for his writing," Gloria said. "I could hardly believe it when he told me about it. I mean, he was always a good writer, but it's been years since he's actually applied himself enough in school for them to notice it. He showed up for it, didn't he?"
"He did," Nicky said slowly, "Red was the one who didn't go."
"Seriously?" Gloria asked incredulously.
"When I woke up this morning, Julio was here. He had come over to ask her why she hadn't shown up," Nicky continued. Gloria made a sound like an angry cat
"And what did she say to him?" she asked in a throaty whisper.
"I mean, there's nothing she really can say, huh?" Nicky said in her raspy voice. "She promised him it wouldn't happen again. Then she went out to find Benny and presumably apologize. If it means anything, I know she feels terrible about it."
"As she should," Gloria said dangerously, "I can't believe she would do that to him, just because she wanted to punish me. I mean, I know that Benny can be a mouthy little bugger, but he's been such a good boy lately. He's staying out of trouble, doing well in school, listening to Lourdes."
"Gloria, it's nothing he did," Nicky said quickly, "Benny is doing great and so is Julio. You have great kids. I really admired the way Julio showed up here and stood up for his brother, by the way."
"They've always been close," Gloria said softly, "but when I came here they really learned to depend on one another. It doesn't surprise me that Julio would speak up for his younger brother. Benny must have been really upset for him to do that though."
"Red left to go see him almost immediately," Nicky said, feeling the need to defend Red where she could. "She wasn't trying to punish anybody. She's just been keeping to herself lately."
"Hmm, maybe I'd have more sympathy for her if I could forget how happy Benny was on the phone last week when he told me about how she took them out for dinner and said she would love to go with him," Gloria sounded more than a little bitter.
"She'll make it right," Nicky said softly, "she loves him, Gloria, it's obvious."
"Well, I'm not going to hold my breath waiting to find out whether Benny gives her that chance," Gloria huffed, "I thought it was a miracle that he let her get as close to him as he did in the first place."
"He didn't really have a choice after he got drunk on New Years and needed her to take care of him," Nicky answered.
"He did what?" Gloria asked sharply.
"Oh, right," Nicky said awkwardly, "I forgot that you didn't know about that."
"So now she's keeping secrets about my sons from me?" Gloria exclaimed.
"It's not that big a deal," Nicky chuckled, "normal teenager stuff. They got drunk on New Years, Julio was smart enough to call Red who came and picked them up. She brought them to our place, Benny was a little sick so she sat up with him through the night until he was ready for bed."
"Oh," Gloria said softly, "if I forget the part where she kept it from me, it makes a pretty cute story."
"Don't be angry about that," Nicky pleaded, "there are plenty valid reasons for you to be mad at her but that isn't one of them. She just didn't want to betray his trust in her by getting him into trouble with Lourdes. They didn't get off scot free though. She made them clean the apartment from top to bottom as punishment. It worked for me though. She had been nagging me to scrub the bathroom and then they did it for me."
"She's so good with them when she wants to be," Gloria sighed, "she can be such a good mom. Way better than me."
"That's not—" Nicky started to say.
"This is all my fault," Gloria said miserably, "I don't know what the f**k I'm doing here, Nicky."
"What do you mean?" said Nicky.
"Red been such a good person in their lives," Gloria said somberly, "I can tell how happy Julio and Benny are with her. And now, I'm getting out and gonna interfere with all of that."
"Okay, did you know that Benny has a literal countdown app on his phone that is set for your release date?" Nicky asked.
"No," Gloria said softly.
"Well, he does," said Nicky, "and sometimes he just sits there and watches it. And Julio, he just talks about you constantly. Everything we do, he usually has a memory that involves you or he wonders what you would think if you were there."
Gloria let out a small giggle, "really?"
"Yes!" Nicky exclaimed, "so I don't want to ever hear you implying that you think they would be better of without you. All they want is you!"
Nicky thought she could hear a small sniffle on the other end.
"And if it makes a difference," she proceeded to say, "I know that you're making the right decision. Why overwhelm them and stress everybody out?"
"I just want to be a good mom," Gloria admitted quietly, "I've f**ked up in a million different ways. My two girls want nothing to do with me and, until very recently, Julio and Benny barely spoke to me either. I don't want to do anything that is going to create distance between me and my babies. I only want to make decisions that are going to bring them closer to me."
"And you are," Nicky told her confidently, "you're doing good, Gloria. Don't let anybody make you feel differently."
"But Red's been good for them too," Gloria said sadly, "she's done so much for them. When Lourdes was sick last winter, Red took such good care of them. They'd have been left on their own if she hadn't stepped in."
"It's not like you're getting rid of her," Nicky reminded Gloria.
"Despite what Red's overreaction might imply, from what I understand, all you're doing is choosing to not move them in with her. You can still see her everyday. Honestly, I don't see what the big deal is."
"I didn't think it was going to be that big a deal either," Gloria sighed
"She's feeling a little cast aside right now but she'll deal with it," Nicky said reassuringly, "she has a few weeks to get it together. Everything is going to be fine."