Speak Now or Forever Hold Your Peace

Disclaimer: all characters and copyright belong to Stephanie Meyer.

A/N-thanks for the awesome reviews. Nikki :)

Part Five

The days passed slowly. Charlie remained in an unconscious state. Bella sat by his bedside maintaining an almost permanent vigil. The hours seemed to drag by, sometimes she would have others with her, Billy came every day for a few hours and so did Renee. Bella could sense that her mother was dying to get home to Phil; her stepfather couldn't accompany his wife because of his job. Jacob too took as much time out as he could to be with her. During the time he sat with her, they talked about the past, not the time when she had moved to Forks to live with Charlie, but further back when they had been young kids, and Sarah had still been alive. They both felt it was safe ground sharing banter about those early days, when they had both been young and so innocent. It felt good reminiscing about happier times.

But mostly Bella was on her own. When she was by herself, listening to the incessant beeps of the machines keeping her dad alive, then her thoughts would turn dark. She would mull over her past actions and feel full of regret and shame. It was hard to pull herself out of her funk; going over how she had dealt with others who had only had her best interests at heart, made her feel mortified. Bella didn't know how to overcome the heavy burden of guilt that she was now carrying around with her. Some days when Billy was in the room she could barely look him in the eye. How could he even bear to be near her? Billy never showed her nothing but politeness and caring.

One night while she sat by Charlie's bedside the idea came to Bella that perhaps she should write how she was feeling down. Perhaps she could write letters to each individual who had risked their lives four years ago to keep her safe. She had never thanked the pack properly. She would start with them. With this idea cemented firmly in her mind, Bella purchased some notepaper and pens from the hospital store and began to write. Once she began the words poured out of her. She started with Leah and worked her way through the pack. She also wrote a letter to Billy and lastly Jacob. She found this the hardest letter to write. She saw him everyday but had found it difficult to kick start a conversation about what had happened between them all those years ago. It took a lot of false starts before Bella felt satisfied that she had chosen the right words to tell him how she felt and how sorry she was.

By the morning Bella had a pile of letters clutched in her hands ready to pass to Jacob. She hadn't slept at all and was feeling exhausted and a little woozy. Jacob arrived about ten in the morning pushing Billy in front of him. He was surprised to see an exhausted looking Bella greet him outside her father's room.

"Hey, are you okay?" He asked worriedly. He saw how pale she looked. The dark circles under her eyes made them seem huge in her face.

Bella smiled wearily at him and Billy. "I'm okay. How are you this morning, Billy?" She asked politely.

Billy reached out and patted her hand. "I'm doing good now my boy is home. How was the chief last night?"

"I think he has a little more color in his cheeks." Bella pulled out the only hopeful statement she could think of. Her words seemed to ease Billy's mind. He smiled at her and rolled his chair into the room. "Go get some rest, Bella." He called over his shoulder. "I'll sit with him."

"Okay." Bella sank down on one of the chairs outside Charlie's room and sighed.

Jacob took the seat next to her. "You look exhausted. Why don't you rest up like my dad says? He'll be here for most of the morning. Come back later."

"Yeah, I think I'll do that." Bella closed her eyes for a moment before remembering the letters. "Oh, can you pass these on for me? I have written everyone's names on the front of the envelopes."

"What are these?" Jacob took the pile from her hands and stared at them.

"Letters of apology. I know its four years too late but well..." She shrugged. "There is one for you and Billy too. But don't read yours until later."

"Bella you don't need to do this." Jacob rifled through the envelopes until he found the one with his name on it.

Bella put a hand over his. "Not now, later." She yawned and stretched a little before getting up and walking away, leaving him staring after her.

Jacob left Billy at the hospital with Renee keeping him company. She had told him Bella had turned up at the Swan house and was having a nap. Now that his father wasn't alone, Jacob left the hospital to deal with a problem that had been brewing since he had arrived home. Melissa Hoult had been causing trouble, badmouthing him around the reservation. She had not been one to hold her drink and she had been ringing the house and turning up unannounced begging to see him and, because he wasn't often there, hurling insults at whoever had answered the door. It had been Rachel who had born the brunt of Melissa's ire as she was always in the house. She had warned her brother that he needed to clean up his mess and make it clear to Melissa that he wasn't interested. Jacob was just thankful that Melissa had not turned up at the hospital. The last thing Bella needed was a jealous ex of his yelling at her.

Reluctantly he drove Paul's car, which he had been borrowing since his return, and parked up outside Melissa's small house. The front yard was a mess, weeds were growing up high and the windows were caked in dirt. She obviously had been neglecting things since he had left to go on his road trip. He took a deep breath, climbed out of the car and slowly walked up the front path which was littered with debris. He had hardly raised his hand to knock on the door before it was opened and Melissa herself appeared. Her dark eyes lit up with joy at the sight of him and she threw herself in his arms, clinging to him like a limpet.

"I knew you couldn't keep away." Melissa purred, an exultant smile crossing her lips. She tried to kiss him but Jacob dodged her mouth and pulled her off of him. "What's wrong you never complained before?" She snarled, the smile disappearing from her face to be replaced with a scowl.

"I am only here to tell you to stop hassling my family and to keep away from me. What you think is going on between us, isn't. I have no interest in having a relationship with you. I made that clear when we started seeing each other, it was only ever casual. That's all." Jacob said bluntly.

Melissa's eyes narrowed. "So I am only useful for a good screw is that it? Not good enough to marry?"

Jacob sighed and rubbed the back of his neck. He was already dying to leave so he could read the letter that Bella had written him. He looked at Melissa, her black hair was unwashed, and it looked like she had slept in the clothes she was wearing overnight. Her short dress was creased and her feet were bare. She was a mess. "Just accept things and move on. I'm sure you'll find someone better. Goodbye." He turned to leave but Melissa ran round him and blocked his path.

"Come on Jake, please." She wheedled. "We're good together aren't we? I mean I know you enjoyed the sex." She tried to come onto him again but he just gave her a look of disgust which reignited her anger. "There's someone else isn't there? That's why you want to toss me aside. Who is it? Who have you been screwing now? I'll find out, I will." She ran up to him and hit him on the chest with her balled fists in a rage.

Jacob captured her arms and shoved her back a few feet. "Have some respect for yourself." He snapped impatiently. "You look a mess. There is no one else. I just got bored. Deal with it." He finished cruelly.

Melissa wilted as he marched away from her and got into his car. She watched as he drove away until the car disappeared from view. She stood there for a long time, a calculating expression on her face. Eventually she stood taller and smoothed her hair back with her hands. "I'll find out who she is, Jacob Black. When I've finished with her you won't be able to look at her. You'll come running back to me then." She muttered. With a grim smile on her face, Melissa went back into her house, slamming the door.

Jacob delivered the other letters by hand to his brothers. They were all a little surprised to be getting a personal note from Bella Swan of all people, but they were all fair minded and kept their thoughts to themselves. Bella had even penned a note to Emily and Kim as well. With his father at the hospital still with Renee, Jacob decided to head to his garage so he could read Bella's letter in private. He couldn't go into the house as Paul and Rachel were inside and he had a fair idea of what they were doing while they had the place to themselves. He grimaced at the thought. He really needed to get a place of his own and soon.

He sat on an old upturned crate and opened the envelope, his hands shaking a little with anticipation as he pulled out the letter and began to read;

Jacob...no Jake, you've always been Jake, my friend, my best friend,

jeez how do I even begin this? Out of everyone's yours is the hardest letter to write when really it should be the easiest. I guess I should be telling you this to your face, but I already told you I was a coward, didn't I?

I should start by saying I'm sorry. Sorry for those words that I said to you when you were injured after the newborn battle. I never meant for them to haunt you. I have never been good at expressing myself verbally, as you very well know, and I completely made a hash of it that day. I even practised what I would say before I came to see you, did you know that? But when I saw you lying all broken and hurting in that small bed, the words just wouldn't come. Not the right words. I failed you badly that day. I never meant to make you feel that you were never good enough, because that wasn't it at all. You were always good enough, way better than ever I deserved.

When I left you, did you know I cried my heart out as if it would break? I cried for hours, I had to pull over and stop driving because I couldn't see the road through my tears. Edward found me like that, parked up at the treaty line, a complete mess. I could see that I hurt him grieving like that for a love I would never get to experience. He begged me to rethink my decision, but I had hurt you enough already and I wasn't going to do so again.

I have a very low opinion of myself. I always have. It seems stupid to me now, all the petty things I used to worry about like that I wasn't good looking enough, bright enough, just enough in general. I couldn't see what you saw in me or Edward either for that matter. I pushed you away because I thought you deserved someone better. I had already turned your life upside down and everyone else's. Seeing you injured like that was a wake up call to me. I was a danger to you and I wasn't going to risk your life again. So I left with Edward, planning to marry him and change so I finally could be strong like you both. I thought being a vampire would make me into the beautiful, strong girl that I desired to be. Vain isn't it? Pathetic isn't it? Yes I am all of those things and completely selfish too.

But now I think underneath all of that there must have been something that was good about me. You loved me, so I must have had some redeeming qualities. I hope so. I hope that the times we did spend together before Edward came back and turned my life on it's head are good ones. I like to think so. I remember days fixing up the bikes together, sharing banter and eating pizza with our hands. I remember days spent in your garage, rain bouncing off of the tin roof while we were warm and snug inside. I loved watching you tinker with the Rabbit, you were so proud of that little red car. Do you still have it?

I digress, what I am trying to say is thank you. Thank you for those days and mostly for being my friend, my best friend when I needed one. I hope we can regain some of that in the future, if that is what you want too. Because I love you Jake. You know that and I know that.

Love,

Your friend, Bells XXX

A/N-thanks for reading! What did you all think of Bella's letter? Nikki :)