Speak Now or Forever Hold Your Peace
Disclaimer: all characters and copyright belong to Stephanie Meyer.
A/N-thanks for the awesome reviews! Nikki :)
Part Twelve
Charlie was brought back home in an ambulance. The paramedics carried him inside the house and helped Bella to settle him into the new bed that she had ordered on-line. It was a specially made bed which you could adjust at will to make the patient more comfortable. It was quite large and filled up one half of the living room. Jacob had helped her the night before to move all the furniture out to the back garden and cover it over with tarpaulin to protect it from the elements. The front room was now Charlie's bedroom. Renee and Bella were going to share Charlie's old room, while Jacob stayed in Bella's. He was going to help with Charlie's care for the first week until Bella felt able to manage alone.
The main problem with the layout of the house was the fact that it had only one bathroom and toilet, and that was up a narrow staircase. For the foreseeable future poor Charlie would have to use a commode. Bella would never be able to carry him up the stairs. The washing facilities would also need to be sorted out, but for now, Bella was glad to have her father home.
"Are you comfortable?" She asked him anxiously as she hovered by his side.
Charlie forced a smile onto his face as he glanced around the room. Being here, like this, just made it all the more obvious how much his life had now changed. He felt like a burden. However he didn't want Bella to see that. "I could use a nice cold beer." He suggested.
"Dad. No." Bella frowned.
"For goodness sake, Bella. I have been stuck in that damn hospital for weeks living on their version of a good meal. I have had it up to here with healthy food. If I want a damn beer, I'll have one." Charlie snapped, finally losing his cool.
"I'm sorry, but no. It will interfere with your medication, you know that." Bella stood firm, although it hurt her to be spoken to in that way. She tried to see it from his side and be understanding. "Maybe in a few weeks..."
"Few weeks?" Charlie spluttered. He fell silent a moment before turning his head away. "So this is how it's going to be is it? You are now my jailer."
"Dad, please..." Bella begged him.
"Just leave me alone, will you." Charlie cried out in frustration.
"Please..."
"Just leave." Charlie roared.
Bella fled from the room, tears welling up in her eyes. This was not the homecoming she had anticipated. Charlie had only been back five minutes and she had screwed up already.
Jacob turned up half an hour later. He had brought Billy with him, along with a bag packed with some clothes. While his dad went straight to see Charlie, he hunted for Bella. He found her in the kitchen, her face awash with tears, as she held on tight to a mug of cold coffee. "Hey, what's wrong?" He asked in concern as he sat beside her.
"I screwed up, Jake. I just can't do anything right." Bella whispered, she wiped a hand across her eyes.
Jacob put an arm around her shoulders and squeezed her gently. "You haven't screwed anything up. Let me guess, Charlie got home and demanded a beer and you had to tell him no."
Bella stared at him in surprise. "How did you know? I felt like a wicked witch telling him he couldn't have one. He got frustrated with me and ordered me out of the room."
"My dad does that a lot, Bells." Jacob said easily. "He can get very temperamental when his illness gets him down or prevents him from doing, eating or drinking what he wants. He snaps, but he doesn't really mean it. He is just venting his frustration at the one closest to him."
"How do you cope?" Bella asked him. It was odd getting an insight into exactly what Jacob had dealt with over many years. She had only had five minutes.
"Develop a thick skin. Pretend your deaf. Say to yourself that it's not you that Charlie is getting at. He is snapping at the injustice of things. It's his way of coping. I bet you right now, he is in there telling my dad just how guilty he feels for yelling at you." Jacob assured her.
Bella lay her head on his broad shoulder and closed her eyes. "I never knew, Jake. I never really understood just how much you sacrificed to care for Billy. You were so young..."
"It wasn't all bad, Bells. Dad managed to adapt quick enough so he could do a lot of things without my help. Charlie will too, give him time. Remember the doctor's said he won't be wheelchair bound all the time. He will be able to walk on occasion if he is careful. Things will work out. Once you move into that new apartment, being all on one floor will help." Jacob kissed the top of her head.
"I don't know what I would have done without you." Bella hid her face in the crook of his neck. "Thank you."
"I'll always be there for you, Bells. You know that." Jacob promised her.
"I know. I've always known that deep inside. I just wish I had let myself believe it a long time ago." Bella confessed in a small voice.
"Well as long as you believe it now."
"I do, Jake. I really do." Bella began to cry quietly as Jacob held her in his warm arms.
"I shouldn't have yelled like that." Charlie was full of regrets as he confessed to Billy how he had yelled at Bella, not five minutes after he had been brought home. "I'm an ungrateful monster."
"No, you are just human, Chief." Billy said mildly. "I must snap at Jake at least once a day because I'm having difficulties with one thing or another."
"What does he do?" Charlie asked.
"He ignores me mostly. He knows I can't help it. The pain can get too much at times and you feel like life is intolerable. You see others going about their daily routine and wonder why me? But there is no answers. It's just fate and you have to accept your lot." Billy shrugged. "But you learn to cope and you will adapt. Give it time."
"Time." Charlie let out a long sigh. "This is my own fault, Billy. I was drinking too much. This is the end result."
"I could say the same about myself. I didn't look after my own health, forgot to take my meds and this chair is now a permanent fixture." Billy patted the armrest of his wheelchair.
"You were under immense pressure. You had just lost Sarah and had three young children to raise alone." Charlie reminded him.
"No, that's not an excuse. It should have been the incentive for me to make sure I stayed healthy for my kids, but I allowed myself to wallow." Billy admitted.
"My god, we are the same." Charlie shook his head in disbelief. "Two old wallowers."
"Wallowers? There's no such word. You made that up." Billy chuckled.
"I probably did." Charlie finally smiled, feeling a little more lighthearted now that his friend was here.
The next few days passed quickly. Bella thanked whatever god was in the heavens for the fact that Jacob was with her. Without him she would have struggled to develop a daily routine for Charlie. Jacob showed her the easiest way to transfer Charlie from his bed to the new wheelchair that had been delivered. Bella had worried that her meagre strength would not be up to the task, but Jacob told her it was the way you moved the person, not how strong you were. He insisted that Charlie also try and do it himself. Charlie had been very resistant at first, and his frustration at his initial lack of success made his temper boil over, but eventually he was able to swing out of his bed and lower himself into the chair using his arms and carefully guiding his body in a certain way.
It was Renee who was having the most problems dealing with her ex husband. Bella would come home from shopping or checking up on the new apartment to find her mother and father in a heated row. Renee would then run out of the house in floods of tears and stay away for hours, only returning late at night when Charlie had gone to sleep.
Charlie himself couldn't understand why his former wife was still hanging around. "Why doesn't she go back to Jacksonville to that boy she married?" He would often complain.
Bella tried to remain stoic like Jacob had advised, but after hearing this refrain once too often from her father, she lost her own temper. "She is doing this for you. Stop being such an ungrateful old fool." She snapped. "Can't you see she is trying her best? It's not easy trying to negotiate what damn mood you are going to be in. Stop taking it out on her and the rest of us."
Charlie had become mournful after this outburst. Bella hated seeing Charlie become upset, she wasn't used to it. Guilt had weighed heavily on her heart as he apologized for being selfish and a burden. It had taken all her willpower not to run out like Renee had and hide. That night she had gone to Jacob's room and slid into bed with him and cried for ages as she confessed she was struggling with her father's care and she felt inadequate and not up to the task. Jacob had held her all night until she finally dropped off in the early hours of the morning, completely exhausted.
However, by the end of the week, they had all managed to settle into a routine that was beginning to work for all of them. Life became a little easier as Charlie's mood improved. After another talking to from Billy, he tried harder not to pity himself and forced himself to learn more tasks to take the weight off of Bella. It was Jacob who took him to the hospital for his check up and his first physiotherapy session. He came back tired but a little happier that he had achieved something.
On Jacob's last night at the Swan house, Bella slipped into his room again and lay next to him. He had woken easily when he had heard her light footsteps. He would have recognized her beloved smell anywhere. He had been very careful around Bella, not wanting to put any pressure on her about where their relationship was heading. He knew she had a lot to cope with. But he was finding it harder every time she was close to him not to tell her how much he loved her and wanted to plan a future together now that their friendship was back on track.
To his surprise it was Bella herself who brought the subject up. She rolled onto her side and met his concerned gaze as he watched her carefully. He could see the anxiety shining from her eyes and the worried frown she seemed to be permanently wearing these days. "Jake I need to say something. I hope it isn't too soon or anything, but we've grown closer haven't we? We've got over all the crap from the past? You have forgiven me?"
"You know I have, Bells. Have you forgiven me?" Jacob asked cautiously.
"I should be thanking you for stepping in that day. I was too young and naïve to know what I really wanted back then. You did me a favour." Bella laid a hand on his bare chest. She heard his breath hitch as he laid a warm hand over hers.
"You really mean that?" He checked.
"Yes, I do." Bella said, her voice full of sincerity. "You saved my life that day, literally. I am going to say something now. You don't have to say it back, but it's been a long time coming and I'm done with hiding how I feel."
Jacob held her hand tighter in his own as he waited for her to speak again. He heard her draw in a deep breath as if steeling herself for his rejection, as she finally said the three words he had been waiting to hear from her lips forever. "Jake, I love you." A smile lit up her face, easing away the worry lines. "There I said it. I love you, Jake."
A sunny smile spread across Jacob's face as he grabbed her in his arms and pulled her on top of him. He began to kiss her wildly all over her face, making her laugh. "I love you too, honey." He said over and over, her laughter sounding like music to his ears.
A/N-thanks for reading!