CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX

Dawnpaw was tired.

Not a good tired, not the kind of tired you get after a long day of productive work, of training or hunting or patrolling, but a complete physical and mental exhaustion that overtook her entire body. It was an exhaustion that had done nothing but grow over the time she had been here, and it was changing her. The she-cat was not the same as she had been entering the Dark Forest. Though it hadn't been that long, she felt like she had aged moons and moons, like she was an elder drawing some final, shuddering breaths before she would close her eyes for the last time.

She sat with Branchpaw a long time, letting the starlight bathe over her, trying to draw strength from her proximity to StarClan. She had continued sitting even after her brother had left, feeling her heart crack into pieces at his absence. She hadn't realized just how much she missed him, and seeing him again – just to lose him – made it one hundred times worse. She remembered the day he died, remembered killing him and the taste of his blood, and while part of her was relieved that he was happy now, the guilt had returned, leaving her confused. Dawnpaw had thought that coming to StarClan would be the end of journey, but now she was lost. Where did she go from here?

She sat the whole night by the border, alone, lost in her thoughts. It felt like she was sitting vigil for a warrior ceremony that might never happen. She was still too young to receive her name, but in this moment Dawnpaw felt like a warrior. The ginger she-cat was older and tougher and realized that she had to fend for herself now. There was no Sootclaw down here, no Thickfur, and now she had cast away Shredtail as well. She was all alone and had to step up and make her own decisions. Even if her name remained the same, Dawnpaw felt like a warrior – but a warrior of what Clan? She was disconnected from ThunderClan, lost in the mists of a dark and treacherous woods.

When morning broke, Dawnpaw took a deep shuddering breath. She got to her feet, stretching out the ache in her muscles, and did a quick lap around the grove of trees she was in. There was a small stream trickling through, and once again the apprentice found herself staring at her reflection, marvelling at how drastically different it was. Her face was gaunt, her eyes hard, and her body lean and wild. Even though she couldn't see inside her head, couldn't see her mind, it felt stronger as well. The mental exhaustion was there, but she was battling it, determined to make it through this trial.

But what was next? Dawnpaw had to figure out what to do. She couldn't just stay at the StarClan border, aimlessly milling around, hoping for a glimpse of Branchpaw and waiting for some miracle to allow her to cross over. And while she hated to admit it, Shredtail had known what to do. He had been prepared to help her, to show her the way, when she had gone too far inside his mind. Shredtail had been left vulnerable and Dawnpaw disgusted at the thought that her guide, her only help, had been one of the most evil cats at all.

But Shredtail must have known he and Worm would never be able to cross over into StarClan. There had been no hope that they could escape the Dark Forest. The redemption they spoke of – it had been a moral one. They couldn't save their bodies, but they could save their hearts, and they were willing to put themselves in danger to do the right thing. As angry as she was that Shredtail had deceived her, Dawnpaw couldn't deny his good intentions. Whoever he and Worm had been in the past, they were trying to change and help her. She would be foolish to reject the help they offered. They hadn't betrayed her so far, and she needed to have faith in them.

But Dawnpaw had cast them away and there was only one way to find them again. The Dark Forest was vast and endless in its intricacies, and there was no way Dawnpaw would be able to navigate it well enough to encounter her guides. Instead, she would have to venture back into her mind, something the ginger she-cat was extremely reluctant to do. The last time... well, things hadn't worked out so well. She hadn't been able to control herself and she had scarred both herself and Shredtail.

And yet it was the only way.

If what Shredtail said was true, that she could reach any mind, it had tremendous implications. A whole new world would be opened up to her and Sootclaw. For a brief moment, Dawnpaw wondered what it would be like inside Thickfur's mind. To live with all that anger and bitterness... she had hated him for so long, but she had been selfish. The pain of killing Branchpaw, the way she had hated herself while fully understanding it had been the only way... she wondered what Thickfur had gone through that had made him that way. After all Dawnpaw had been through, after everything she had seen, it was ridiculous to think that cats could just be unconditionally good or bad or nice and mean.

And cats changed.

Shredtail had changed.

She needed to find him.

Settling in a sheltered spot, Dawnpaw drew herself in and closed her eyes. She pictured herself standing in the darkness, a frail ginger she-cat, except now her limbs rippled with muscle and her amber eyes were hard as stone. Idly, she wondered if Sootclaw would recognize her, or if anyone would. Then she dismissed the thought, knowing she needed to concentrate. The she-cat tensed her whole body and focused her mind, searching for that one spot in the darkness where Shredtail's mind glowed bright. It wasn't too hard to find, but trying to reach it felt like swimming through mud, the darkness around her heavy and viscous. Her whole body resisted, as if trying to say that her mind belonged to Sootclaw and Sootclaw alone, but she preserved and manage to touch the frayed edges of her mind with the glowing spark that was Shredtail. There was a jolt and then they were connected, and Dawnpaw felt full again.

There was a strange intimacy about their mindlink that she had to navigate as delicately as possible. It was nothing like her link with Sootclaw; there was no sense of need and belonging and immediacy, but sharing a mind was not something one did without feeling some sort of attachment. Dawnpaw didn't want to feel attached or intimate with Shredtail, but the rawness of their connection couldn't be denied, and she took care to hide herself from his mind as they connected.

Hello, she said, probing the waters.

He must not have felt her attach, as his answer sounded surprised. Dawnpaw?

She paused and gathered her words, knowing an apology was in order. I'm sorry for what I said. I – I do need your help. I can't do this by myself. I need you to continue to teach me about this power I have, and how to use it.

There was a long silence and then she felt Shredtail grunt in acknowledgement. I can do that. Dawnpaw, I told you, I'm not good. I was one of the worst. But I've been here too long and I'm sick of it. That wasn't a lie.

I wish you had told me from the beginning. I wish you'd been honest, she said. It felt weird, speaking this way to someone who wasn't Sootclaw. Shredtail's voice was harsh and unfamiliar in her mind. It felt wrong there. She didn't want it. She wanted Sootclaw. She needed Sootclaw.

Really? If I told you I had trained Thistleclaw – would you have come with me? Shredtail asked.

Dawnpaw mused on that. It was a good point. She wouldn't have understood – she had been scared enough of Shredtail as it was. You were the only hope I had, she pointed out.

I didn't want to risk it, he said. You're important, you and Sootclaw.

Important. Dawnpaw didn't want to be important. In an ideal world, none of this would ever have happened. She would have ended up with Elmheart, would have been an average member of ThunderClan, would have had a loving brother beside her the whole time... being normal would have been fine. I don't want to be important. Normal meant she would never have killed Branchpaw. It meant she would never have ended up down here.

Without you, Falconswoop would have taken over ShadowClan, Shredtail told her. You don't get a choice.

She sighed. It was true. StarClan had needed someone to give Sootclaw strength. But why her? Why not anyone else? It didn't seem fair.

Shredtail spoke again. You didn't get in to StarClan.

Dawnpaw shook her head, even though she knew he couldn't see her. A few moons ago she might have felt silly, sitting here alone and yet absorbed in conversation, but now she was used to it. It was familiar and comforting and she could almost pretend it was Sootclaw in her mind. They couldn't let me in, she told him. The whole exchange thing. For every action, an equal reaction.

She waited for anger and disappointment on his side, but there was only quiet acknowledgement. I thought this might happen, Shredtail admitted. It's alright Dawnpaw. There's still another way.

What? She asked.

I'll tell you when we see you, Shredtail replied. Where are you?

I'm still near StarClan. I'm by a stream, in a grove. Dawnpaw cringed a little, knowing it was a bad description.

Luckily Shredtail seemed to know exactly what she was talking about. Follow the stream, he instructed. It will lead you to a copse of pines where the middle one has fallen across. We will meet you there. It shouldn't take long.

Thank you, said Dawnpaw, knowing she had made a mistake leaving them and was relieved that Shredtail was ready to forgive her so easily.

He grunted.

Can I ask you one more thing ? Dawnpaw thought to him, recalling how she had watched him mentor Thistleclaw. About what I saw?

Shredtail tensed, but after a long pause, consented. What?

When you were mentoring Thistleclaw... why were you so cruel to him? Is that just a general Dark Forest thing, or...? Dawnpaw was aware of how ridiculous she sounded, but she was thinking about Thickfur now. The grey tabby had always confused her, how he switched from being harsh to kind, from belittling to understanding.

Well, yes, said Shredtail, who seemed reluctantly bemused by her question and was trying to hide it under his rough attitude. Dawnpaw, you have to understand... cats go bad for a reason. We're all the same, in a way. We're cruel mentors because that's how we learned to be strong – by being hurt. By pain and hatred.

So was Thickfur just trying to make her strong? Dawnpaw mused on that for a moment before she realized that Shredtail was waiting for her to speak again, and she knew that she needed to find him and Worm again. Alright, she said. I'm on my way.

.

As she followed the stream, Dawnpaw tried to walk with purpose. Sitting outside StarClan, she had held a silent vigil and allowed her mind to breathe, to take the weariness and turn it into a new energy. Now, however, she let her mind wander as she attempted to figure out exactly how she had gotten here. She had spent the past moon wandering the Dark Forest, helpless, and even though she still needed Shredtail and Worm, she was going to be strong. But part of her was still lost and she needed to understand who she was.

She felt Shredtail at the edge of her memory, patiently observing, and after what she had done to him, Dawnpaw felt like it would be wrong to kick him out. Her feet carried her along the bank of the stream, but her mind wandered, remembering all of those important moments of her life, moments she had let lose importance over the past few moons.

Being a kit with Branchkit... with two older parents who had become elders shortly after, the two kits had been inseparable, even for siblings. Though she had become fast friends with Elmkit, who had left the nursery not long after her birth, she had always considered Branchpaw her best friend. When he started becoming distant, she had been two preoccupied with Sootclaw to notice.

And then there was Thickfur. She remembered her apprentice ceremony, where Thickfur had looked down at her with reassuring eyes and she had believed that everything would be alright. That hope soon turned to dust when she realized everything she did would irritate Thickfur in some strange way. After a moon of that and telling all of her worries to Elmpaw, blissfully unaware of his feelings, everything had changed. Dawnpaw had scented fox.

Then it had been Sootpaw. She had resented him at first, resented him for being successful, and yet she had been too eager to butt into his life, pushing him to accept Kitepaw and stop blindly idolizing Falconswoop. Dawnpaw hadn't considered her role that important, and yet Sootclaw had said that she had done everything. It seemed a little ridiculous, that she had spent so long harping on about the power of love, but that was who she was. Who she had been.

Dawnpaw had been so idealistic, to believe that love and faith could solve everything. After what happened with Falconswoop, her worldview had just been reinforced. But killing Branchpaw... it was an act of violence as well as love, the two things so intimately twisted that she felt queasy even thinking about it. It had introduced her to the darker side of love. Things couldn't always be pretty. There had to be sacrifice.

So where did that leave her? She wanted to believe, but it was so hard. She had been here for so long... Dawnpaw was starting to forget who she was. Whoever she was now, it felt drastically different than the she-cat who had first felt her mindlink with Sootclaw. And she should have felt scared, but for some reason, she didn't. Despite the tremble in her chest, she felt brave.

Shredtail listened, silent, but she felt him hum against her, and it made her uncomfortable, to share all these thoughts with him. She regarded him almost as a mentor, as a cat she didn't like but had to respect, but having the mindlink made her feel other ways about him... it made her want to be close to him. To understand and forgive and love. She didn't like Shredtail, she knew it was just their connection speaking, but... it made Dawnpaw worried. Did she only love Sootclaw because of the link? Were her feelings real, or were they created by StarClan when they had placed pieces of the two inside each other.

Sootclaw is brave, she thought, closing her eyes tightly. He is strong and caring and he would do anything for his Clan, or for Kitetail. He could be rude and impatient, could be oblivious, but he had a good heart. Dawnpaw had felt it and she loved it, she was sure. Even if his feelings were for someone else.

It sounds like you care a lot about Sootclaw, thought Shredtail.

Dawnpaw winced. It's none of your business.

Look, he continued, I don't know if it's the link or not that makes you feel that way. But your feelings are what make you strong. I've been watching – we've all been watching; the fate of everything hangs on this after all – and that's what got you and Sootclaw through. It's what's going to get you through the trials to come.

Do you know what's ahead? Dawnpaw asked. What they have planned next?

I know some, he said. Not everything. Not what comes after this. I'll tell you when we meet.

She frowned, confused. Why are you complimenting me – why are you saying these things?

Do you think you'd succeed if I insulted you and brought you down? Shredtail let out a mirthless laugh that echoed through her mind. But I am telling the truth. If I thought you were useless I wouldn't bother trying to help.

Feelings. That's what made her strong. Shredtail put into words what she had been starting to realize. She had known before, a long time ago, but down in the Dark Forest she had seen that only physical strength and violence were respected. That was how she had to survive down here, and it was wearing her down. Figuring out how to balance these two things – it was probably the way to succeed.

Almost there, she told him, changing the subject. In front of her, a group of pines were visible and through the branches she could make out the outline of a fallen one. Her connection with Shredtail seemed to pulsate as she neared the grove, the spark of his mind growing brighter until –

He cut it off. Dawnpaw let out a gasp, not expecting to feel as though the air had been forced out of her. She stumbled a bit before catching herself, feeling a moment of pain and emptiness, before her body readjusted. It wasn't like she had lost Sootclaw. She was alright.

Dawnpaw padded into the grove, sighting Shredtail and Worm sitting together over a scrawny mouse that they offered her upon seeing her. Shredtail had a carefully neutral expression on his face, though she noticed that his cold anger seemed to be gone. Worm looked interested, and his eyes followed her as she moved across the clearing. There was something unnerving in them – envy, perhaps?

"You smell like StarClan," said Worm, curling his lip, and his voice was wistful. He was jealous of her closeness to them, jealous of her life, and when Dawnpaw finally realized that it nearly broke her heart.

She didn't know how to respond so she just turned to Shredtail. "What does the Dark Forest have planned next?"

The massive brown tom chuckled bleakly. "Not wasting any time, are you?" When Dawnpaw didn't answer, he continued: "You know about the darkness in WindClan, taking over them, causing to obey the whims of the Dark Forest, the Place of No Stars. And I told you, that you and Sootclaw have the power to access others minds, if you just focus hard enough."

Dawnpaw nodded. "And?"

Shredtail snorted. "Put it together."

There was a long moment of silence as Dawnpaw thought it through. The ginger she-cat felt like she knew the answer, but it scared her to vocalize it. "Sootclaw would... Sootclaw would have to get it out of them, somehow." She didn't know how, as she wasn't sure the limits of their power, but she knew the darkness wouldn't just vanish. It would have to go somewhere. "But that darkness would..."

"Go in him, yes," said Shredtail quietly. "It would be – "

"A sacrifice," finished Dawnpaw. "But he could handle it. Sootclaw has dealt with many demons already, this would be nothing new, this..."

"This is different," the tom told her gently. "But it would save the Clans, at least for now, giving you time to deal with whatever Thistleclaw tries next. After this... StarClan and the Dark Forest won't be dancing around each other anymore. There will be a battle, and you have to be there for it. StarClan gave you this power and so you have to be their champion."

But Dawnpaw couldn't think about that right now. All she could think of was Sootclaw with that darkness inside of him. "Are you saying... that Sootclaw will die? If he dies... he's one of StarClan's so-called champions too, isn't he? Don't we need him?"

"I don't know what will happen to him," said Shredtail patiently, as if he were explaining this to a kit. "And he was. He did what he needed to – he stopped Falconswoop."

It was too much for her to handle. "I don't – I don't want to think about this, I can't..."

"You have to," Shredtail urged, coming closer to her. She was suddenly acutely aware of his presence and his scent, hypersensitive to him after their minds had touched, and Dawnpaw shrank away. She felt scared again, weaker than before, but determined to make it through. She didn't want to be here with Shredtail, with his mangy fur and cold eyes. She wanted to be with Sootclaw and his laugh and his musky, ShadowClan smell. Shredtail didn't seem perturbed by her reaction and continued to speak. "You need to reach Sootclaw and tell him that WindClan will attack, and tell him what he has to do."

"How?" asked Dawnpaw. "I mean, I reached him before, but barely – it was so difficult, I was almost lost, and I didn't have much time."

He nodded, as if he had been expecting her question. "StarClan swapped pieces of you in order to forge your connection and make it stronger than the Dark Forest could overcome. Even now, you could still reach it. I didn't think you were ready before – it's dangerous – but now I think you can do it."

"Tell me how," she demanded.

Shredtail nodded again. "Don't look for him outside your mind. Don't go out past those edges. Look inside, deep inside. It's not easy. Dealing with yourself, it's harder than dealing with others. But he's there, buried."

Dawnpaw swallowed hard. It sounded easy, sounded safe, but she knew what Shredtail meant about danger. If she wasn't in the process of figuring herself out, of understanding who she was, she might have been scared to try. But now she was ready. "I need space," she told them, gaze switching from Shredtail's intense stare to Worm's envious one. Then she took a step backward.

"I'll scout around, make sure we're safe," said Worm suddenly, darting away from them. Dawnpaw watched him go, then looked back at Shredtail, that same impassive look on his face.

She closed her eyes.

Instead of travelling out to the darkness, instead of standing on the frayed filaments of the border of her mind, she let herself be pulled inward. Her consciousness was a river and she was letting herself drown, letting herself fall under the dark, cold water. Every instinct in her body screamed to kick, to stay afloat, and though she tried to repress them she ended up doing it anyway. Dawnpaw's eyes shot open and she let out her breath. Her body did not want her in her subconscious. She knew if she let herself fall underwater, she might never come back up.

But she had to try.

This time, when the urge came to fight, she tensed every muscle in her body and locked them in place. The water closed over her head and she stopped being able to breath. Her body screamed from the lack of oxygen, but she could do this. She just had to concentrate. She wasn't really drowning – this wasn't real, she could control it.

Dawnpaw opened her eyes underwater and saw only black. But Sootclaw was in here somewhere, waiting for her. Out of the dark, images floated by her, thoughts she had repressed. Branchpaw convulsing, the way Elmheart's face had fallen when she had rejected him, the way Sootclaw felt about Lilystream... she didn't want to deal with these things. She wanted Branchpaw to be alive, she wanted Elmheart to be her friend, she wanted Sootclaw to love her. Dawnpaw faced it and passed by.

More images floated by and she saw herself, small and scared and alone, stranded in the darkness. This was who she was, but she could be more.

And then she saw him, just a fragment, but he was there and she recognized his energy. Without fear, she charged straight in, letting that little spark of light envelop her. There was a rush, and then a click as everything slid back into place, and her heart leapt as the familiar feeling of connection leapt through her, and it was a hundred times better than her link with Shredtail.

Dawnpaw felt home.

Sootclaw's mind vibrated against hers. There was a sense they were both holding their breath, revelling in the feeling of the link fully returning, and Dawnpaw didn't know what to say. This was everything she had wanted. Sootclaw was here, rumbling beside her, his hopes and dreams and love all flowing through her.

There was no need for words. They let their feelings speak for themselves as they flooded into each other. Her whole body trembled. Dawnpaw knew, even if it was just the link causing these feelings, that she was now complete and that she needed him. And yet – there was one thing she held back: her feelings. She knew how he felt about Lilystream, and she knew he wouldn't reciprocate. She had fallen for him, and while he loved her, it wasn't the way she wanted.

Hi, she said at last.

How did you find me? Sootclaw asked in a trembling whisper.

She wanted to smile but it wasn't right. Looking inside myself.

Sootclaw frowned and she felt him desperately hoping to believe. Are you here... for good?

Yes, said Dawnpaw, barely able to contain her excitement. Their minds were melded and everything was right again. She was whole. Sootclaw, there's a lot I want to say, but there's something important first. You have to listen to me.

Okay, he said, and she loved how he was so blindly willing to trust her. Dawnpaw pictured him, his muscular grey body and those smoky amber eyes, and knew that for the great warrior he was now, there had been a scared apprentice she had helped save.

It's about WindClan, she said. I told you about the darkness in them, but... you have to take it out.

What? He was confused. How?

Our mindlink... when StarClan gave it to us, they made it so we could access other minds as well. Not as easily, but it can be done. You need to use this to save WindClan. You have to take the darkness from their minds. They're going to attack again, and this... this is the only way you can save them, she told him. Dawnpaw wondered if he would ask what to do with the darkness, but she felt his breath hitch and felt understanding run through him.

This is the only way? he said to confirm.

She nodded sadly. Yes.

Okay, said Sootclaw unsteadily. She felt him shudder. I trust you, Dawnpaw. I –

But he never got to finish. They were jolted from their conversation when Worm came running back into the clearing, his eyes frantic and the fur on his neck standing up. "We have to go," he hissed. "They know. They found her."

Shredtail swore loudly. "They must be able to feel the mindlink. Dawnpaw, you have to close it." He saw the look of fear in her eyes and sighed. "Not for good. But for now. You can't talk to him, not unless it's an emergency. Come on. They must be wondering how you managed to reopen the link, and to be honest, I don't want them to find out."

She just stared for a moment. The brown tabby lashed his tail as he and Worm paced around frantically. "Dawnpaw. Now."

I... I have to go, she told Sootclaw. I can't talk, but I'm still here. I'm here and safe and I'm so glad I found you again.

I'm glad too, he told her, and that was it. Dawnpaw shut the link, trying not to show how upset she was about it, and leapt to her feet, ready to follow Shredtail.

She had found Sootclaw once more – and had already lost him. She knew he was still there, thrumming away, but it was too dangerous to talk to him. It wasn't fair, that she was so close and was still denied. All Dawnpaw wanted was to have Sootclaw again.

But for now, she ran. And as they went, she realized she had forgotten to ask Shredtail how he planned to get her out of the Dark Forest, and her stomach turned uneasily. She was sure it wouldn't be painless.

XX XX XX

A/N: Decided to finish this for NaNoWriMo this year! I've successfully completed my last five NaNos so this is definitely likely to be finished come December 1st, :) Because I'm speedwriting it, there may be some mistakes and some chapters might not be too great. It's also been a year since I last wrote about Dawnpaw and Sootclaw, so it might take me a bit to get back into their characters, hence the whole Dawnpaw character study going on this chapter. Next chapter is Sootclaw but it starts about the same time this chapter does (so before the link is back). Don't really have time to respond to reviews but just know that they are 100% appreciated! Will probably do some quick responses next chapter.

Thanks for reading and please review!

- PV :)