"I've gotten to the point where nothing really matters anymore…" I began, staring into space. Kyouko was by my side, that night, standing next to me with the most intense expression I've ever seen. But I wasn't really paying her any attention. I wasn't paying anything much attention. I replied to what she had said, but I couldn't even remember what she had said in the first place. I wasn't even paying attention to what I was saying. It didn't really matter, anyway. I was just spilling empty words out of an empty body. My soul wasn't there, at any rate. I wasn't alive, of that I was sure. I didn't really have any purpose, now. I had lived past my usefulness, and now I would die. Who would miss me? Madoka was the special one, everyone liked her more, except Kyouko. And she wanted something out of me, anyway. Why else would she be nice? She tried to kill me twice. But I'd beaten her to it, now.
I glanced down at my hands as I spoke. My soul gem was in there – black as the night and swirling with corruption. I didn't even know it could get any darker. I felt weak, near death – I don't think I had long left.
I looked up at Kyouko, opening my hands a little. I noticed how strange the scene was – I was about to die, and my only mourner was the one girl that had wanted me dead. But she seemed sad, tearful even.
"I've been such an idiot…" I finished, paying attention to myself again for the first time. This was it. I felt a single tear roll down my cheek. I waited to die, for that last shred of energy to leave my body. But something else happened instead.
"Don't say that!" Kyouko's voice cried, cutting into the thick fog enveloping my mind. Her hands grabbed my own, pressing them together and sealing off my soul gem. "Don't leave me!" She cried, tears flowing down her grubby cheeks. Her hands were warm, I noticed. And soft, despite the callouses of her duties as a Magical girl.
"What does it matter? We're dead already, you and I…" I murmured softly, but my words spoke with less conviction than before.
Then Kyouko had released my hands, and instead held my by the shoulders, pulling my limp body in close and hugging me like I'd never been hugged before, squeezing me to her chest like I was the only thing in the world that mattered. Her chin rested on my head, and she cuddled my head in tightly to her chest.
"We're not dead, Sayaka… You… You idiot… Yeah, we're different from the others, but we're alive, and we're together… You and I… The others too, if you'll let them… We're here for you."
For the first time in what felt like weeks, I cared about what she said, and I listened. I remembered what she had tried to explain to me before, and for a brief moment, I think I understood her. But the most important thing, the thing I remember the most, was Kyouko's heart.
Thump thump… Thump thump… Thump thump…
It was the most comforting, most gentle sound I've ever heard. I don't know if she meant to do it, or if she was just hugging me, but something about it worked. Everything just seemed… Better, I guess. She was so warm, so tender… It surprised me, jolted me back into life. Almost immediately, it felt as if my soul gem was warm in my hands, and though it was still dark, I didn't feel close to death anymore.
After that, I think I just broke down and started crying. I cried for what felt like hours, and Kyouko just sat with me, holding me close.
Honestly, I don't know how long we were there. I didn't have much of a mind for time, that night. But by the time I was done crying, and we had met Madoka and the Transfer student on the way back, a lot of time must have passed, because it was almost light when Kyouko got me home.
I don't know if that was the night I started to feel confused, but I'd like to think so. Things always seem better when they're more dramatic.
I woke with a start, wringing with sweat and lying on my back. I panted softly, putting my hand to my heart. It was thumping like mad.
I grimaced, sitting up and sliding over to the edge of my bed. It was warm, and I didn't want to get out. But I had school, and my grades are really slipping. I sighed and looked over at Kyouko.
The childish redhead was sprawled out on top of her sleeping back, her arms and legs all out at different angles. Her long hair was splayed out beneath her, looking like dark flames wreathing her sleeping body.
Alright, I confess. I was staring. Kyouko's got a way of demanding attention, even when she's asleep. Or, maybe that's just me.
Either way, I had to get up sooner or later, so I wriggled reluctantly out of bed, slipping down onto my knees and edging over to her. Her breathing was soft and gentle in the quiet morning haze, and her mouth was open, those weird little fangs showing and a trickle of saliva running down her cheek. I debated wiping it away for a moment, but I eventually decided it would be too weird, even for me.
"Kyouko…" I murmured softly, leaning in a little closer. She didn't stir.
"Kyouko…" I pressed. "I'm gonna make breakfast just for you…" Still nothing. And that always worked.
"Well, fine." I huffed. "You'll just have to eat it cold later." I got to my feet and stretched, leaving my sleeping companion to get the rest she apparently needed. She was like a small child, or a cat or something. She'd eat or sleep for twenty-two hours a day, but those other two hours were really something to see, a blur of hyperactive motion. I wondered how on earth she managed to concentrate on anything for more than a couple of seconds. I sighed and left her to her dreams, heading out of my bedroom and closing the door behind me. Whatever they were, they were apparently more important than me and breakfast, so it was best that I left her to it.
As I wandered downstairs and started preparing some omelettes, I thought to myself about whether or not I gave Kyouko too much space.
I mean, she's always been mysterious, and always likes to have things on her own terms, and at her own speed. Which might be a little difficult for me to keep up with, but it keeps her happy and comfortable. And she really deserves that, after all this time. But I never really enquire about her personal life or feelings – does she know I'm trying to be respectful, or does she think I don't care?
I sighed irritably as I plated up the fourth omelette. Of course I'd only ever have one myself – I had to watch my weight, after all, but Kyouko loved to eat to her heart's content when she woke up. I hope she notices how much love I put into her breakfast – I make it nearly every day.
Perhaps I worry about this too much? I thought as I sat alone at the kitchen table, steaming omelette before me. I never really cooked anything before I started hosting Kyouko, but she said I'd gotten pretty good at it since she started coming over. I didn't think much of what I made, but she always wolfed it down. Of course, she always wolfed anything down, but that was beside the point. There's something weirdly… Satisfying, or even enjoyable about watching Kyouko smiling as she ate food I prepared for her.
Perhaps I think about her too much? Was the first thought in my mind as I cleaned up in silence, leaving the other omelettes for the redhead for when she got up. It was fair to say that more than half of my thoughts that didn't involve things around me were to do with Kyouko, these days. She just had a way of… invading my mind at all hours of the day, and once I'd started thinking about her, it became very difficult to stop.
Still, it was better than thinking about a lot of things, like being dead, which is what would have happened if Kyouko wasn't around.
I shook off such thoughts as I cleaned my teeth, still looking tired and half-asleep in the bathroom mirror. It wasn't good to be thinking about that sort of thing this early in the morning, anyway…
I'd much rather spend that time thinking about Kyouko… Or anything, of course. I thought, hastily. It didn't always have to be her, damn it!
I got dressed in the bathroom, too. I didn't really like the idea of Kyouko waking up at the wrong time, and I could make myself just as presentable in front of the bathroom mirror. My hair clips were an important addition to my daily routine, and had been for years now. Kyousuke had bought them for me as a birthday present back when we were both kids, and wearing them had become habit. At the time, the gift had felt very important and heartfelt, and I'd proudly worn them in my hair with a smile on my face and a blush on my cheeks. Looking back, they really aren't that great. He probably could have bought them on the way to school with his eyes closed.
Not that I like to think badly of him. I still struggle to approach him, and he's dating Hitomi now! Which I'm over, that's for certain. I don't really dwell on it so much anymore. I mean, I have little cause to. The three of us are still in the same class, but I scarcely see them these days. I guess it's because Madoka and I hang out with Mami and the transfer student a lot while we're at school, which she probably finds intimidating, and Kyouko spends time with us outside of school, and I think Hitomi's scared of her. I would be, if Kyouko gave me the kind of looks that she gives Hitomi.
Kyouko hates them both with a passion. I've tried explaining to her that it's not really their fault, but she's childish and stubborn about that kind of thing, and I just can't change her mind easily. I think she has some impression of them as cackling demons, canoodling in front of me and making me watch! But they're actually pretty good about it. Unless he's just as distant with her as he was with me…
The strangest part is that I still have to ask myself if I like him. It's like I can't even tell anymore. Is there really room in my heart for two, or am I just fooling myself because it's habit?
I glared about my reflection. Don't I have anything better to think about? I then glanced down at my hand, and to the ring that was placed around my finger. I traced the runes on its surface with my other hand for a second, noting how it was always that tiny bit warmer than my skin.
Of course, I'm still bound to him… I thought, with a sigh. No matter how hard I tried, no matter how much I distanced us, no matter how much I thought of Kyouko and dreamt of holding her slim, athletic body in the small hours of the morning, I was still tied to his wellbeing by the nature of my wish.
I had wanted nothing more than to heal him, at the time. And to be honest, I definitely don't regret that part. He never would have been happy again, without the use of his arm. But what I do regret is the selfish nature of my feelings at the time. I know I only wanted to help him. I know I only wanted to make him better simply because he didn't deserve that kind of fate, but deep down, I was desperate for some kind of return on the love I had given him for so long. Love was a tricky emotion. I couldn't help but experience it, time and again, but I somehow felt it would be the death of me, someday. I know I have to stop thinking so self-destructively, but I'm naturally melodramatic, and I'm genuinely worried about what will happen between me and Kyouko.
I'm going to have to talk to Mami about this after school… I thought, shouldering my schoolbag and heading for the door. So there's no more worrying involved. But I'll have to be discrete about it…
I'm not sure why I couldn't tell Mami. She could probably keep a secret after all, and there aren't many people she could tell. But it'd feel weird being that open to her, and not just because she's my senior. I could trust Madoka with it, but I don't think asking her would be very productive. For a start, she doesn't seem to know much about love, and she hardly knows Kyouko at all.
Probably because Kyouko only spends time with me… I thought, but I quickly shook it off. What did that mean anyway? The transfer student spends all her time with Madoka, and there was nothing between them. And Mami spends all her time with Nagisa, and she's just a kid! Though that could be because she needs looking after…
I spent about half of the morning walk to school in silent contemplation. The journey's basically automatic to me now, so it doesn't need much conscious thought anyway. I've become a lot more thoughtful since I nearly died. I don't remember thinking about stuff nearly so much before all this Magical girl stuff started happening, and our lives twisted into tragedy. I mean, that could just be because I've got more to think about, but they say people become a lot more philosophical after-
"Sayaka!" A bright, cheerful voice cried out behind me, and one I knew all too well.
"Madoka!" I replied, turning back to face my pink-haired childhood friend. "Morning!"
Madoka ran up to me with a brilliant smile on her face, but her stony-faced companion wasn't far behind. She was like a shadow or something. "Good morning, Sayaka!"
"Transfer student." I acknowledged with a nod. "You don't usually come this way to school, do you?" I asked, remembering roughly where she normally met us.
"A-ah, Homura stayed over at my house last night, because I thought she might be lonely…" Madoka said, smiling bashfully.
"What do I have to tell you about picking up strays?" I jokingly scolded her. "You're too kind for your own good, you know."
Madoka giggled softly in reply, but Homura fixed me with a glare. Or, maybe she was just looking at me. Hard to say.
"I have a name, you know. And I've been at this school for months." The Transfer student said coldly.
"Yeah, yeah…" I replied dismissively. I admit that I was trying to provoke her a little. She's just so expressionless!
"Oh, I do wish you two would get on a little better…" Madoka said with a pout. "Homura's our friend and companion now! We should all be nicer to each other."
"Yeah, I know… Sorry Madoka." I replied, deliberately not apologising to Homura. "Had a fun evening?"
"O-oh yes! It was nice, and Mama was in for the evening, and… H-how was the witch hunt?" She asked, rapidly changing the subject as we started to walk to school.
"Oh, that?" I said, deciding not to think anything of Madoka's change of subject. It's not like she had anything to hide. "Piece of cake." I finished, quoting Kyouko.
"Did Kyouko stay over at your house, again?" Madoka asked, cocking her head to one side. Homura just silently shadowed her. She rarely said much when anyone else was around, but apparently she was quite animated when alone with Madoka.
"Mhm." I said, nodding. "But I couldn't even wake her up with breakfast, so she's staying at my place until she gets up."
"Sh-she's… Okay, right?" Madoka asked quietly, leaning in closer a little. As if anyone in this city even knew who Kyouko was.
"Yeah? Shouldn't she be?" I asked, a small pit forming in my stomach. Was something wrong with Kyouko that she didn't tell me?
"O-oh, well… It's just that she was with me and Homura the other night, and she was really… Quiet…"
"That's all?" I replied, relieved. "She's fine, don't worry. I'm sure she just didn't have anything to talk about."
Truth be told, I knew the answer why. On most nights, unless there were exceptional circumstances, only two or three out of the six of us would go out on the witch hunt, so that the others could have a life or rest without risking their soul gems. Nagisa got more time off than us because she was younger and needed more sleep, and I would often go with Kyouko or Mami because we can compliment each other. But Homura refuses to be paired with anyone other than Madoka, and it's far more hassle than it's worth to argue with her. But when those two are out with anyone else, it gets really uncomfortable for them simply because… Well, Homura has a way of making it obvious that you're not wanted. Mami and I can generally ignore it, and Nagisa doesn't really notice, but Kyouko's not as reserved as we are.
"Are you sure? I only really see her after school, these days." Madoka said, still looking concerned. Homura just looked irritated that she was still talking to me.
"I am! Look, I know Kyouko better than anyone. You know that, right?"
"Y-yeah… You have been spending a lot of time with her, lately… When are you going to introduce her to your parents?" Madoka asked, as if it was important.
"Huh? Well, I dunno." I replied suspiciously. "I don't think they'd much like her anyway. She's unkempt, uneducated and impolite, most of the time."
"If that's the case, why do you like her so much?"
"What do you mean 'so much'? She's my friend, and she saved my life." I said, much more defensively than I intended.
"S-sorry!" Madoka apologised, putting her hands up. "I-I didn't mean anything by it, only we don't really see you two so much anymore…"
"Aww, don't be that way," I said, putting my arm around her affectionately. I think I saw a glimmer of emotion from Homura. "It's not because we're avoiding you guys or anything, it's just-"
"Hello girls!" Came the kindly, more mature voice of our senior.
"Mami!" Madoka cried enthusiastically, slipping out of my grasp. "Good morning!"
I grinned and turned to face the blonde veteran, giving her a wave as she sauntered over to us. Presumably, the transfer student acknowledged her as well.
"Good morning, everyone. How was the witch hunt last night, Sayaka?" Mami asked, getting straight to business. I really respected her maturity. Kyouko could do with learning from her.
"Oh, it was fine. Me and Kyouko only managed to find the one witch last night, and it wasn't too strong. Have you already dropped Nagisa off at elementary school?"
"I have." She said, nodding. "I would have met you two earlier, but we had a little trouble finding some of her schoolwork this morning."
"Jeez Mami, you're like her mother or something." I said, laughing.
"Well, someone has to be, and I'm the oldest." Mami said in a responsible manner. But I knew from that little smile of hers that she loved Nagisa's attention. She was like the little sister that Mami never had, and she doted on her.
"I still wish I'd been allowed to look after her…" Madoka said with a pout. "She's really nice…"
"You know that would have raised far too many questions, Madoka." Mami replied kindly. I happily retreated into the background of the conversation, letting them talk around me. "And my flat was designed for two people anyway. Besides, don't your parents have enough trouble looking after you and Tatsuya?"
"W-we're no trouble!" Madoka cried, but the point had been made time and again.
"Oh yeah, you're such a troublemaker, Madoka!" I laughed, playfully cuffing her shoulder. "Sneaking out at night and getting into fights!"
"I-it's not like that at all!" Madoka returned, playfully shoving me. "And not so loud… People might hear…" She said, looking about. Sure enough, we had ended up right outside of school almost before I knew it, and we were surrounded by the milling throngs of unenthusiastic students.
"And what they hear won't make sense, anyway…" I said lightheartedly, smiling. I glanced over at Mami though, and she smiled. She always said that it was important to be able to make light of a Magical girl's duty. Taking the edge off it during the day made it easier to live with when alone. Luckily, we weren't truly alone like she had been.
"Come on, Madoka." The transfer student said softly. "We'd better get to class before registration."
"Ah! Good idea, Homura! Come on, Sayaka!" Madoka said, looking back at me as the pair of them sped up. I looked to Mami, who smiled encouragingly.
"I'll see you all at lunch, okay?" She said, breaking away from us and heading toward her own classes.
"Alright, Mami. See you later!" I called, but I caught myself at the last moment. How could I forget so easily? "W-wait, actually! I need to ask you something!"
"Oh?" Mami replied, turning. "What is it?"
"Look, can I ask you after class?" I asked, glancing over at the rapidly disappearing forms of my two classmates. "It's… It's not serious at all, I just wanted to know something about Kyouko. 'Cos you've known her for the longest."
Mami gave an odd smile, much like her normal warm smile, but almost with a hint of a smirk to it. "Certainly, Sayaka. See you soon." And then, with a small nod, she was off, walking in that deliberate measured way that only she could. Like Kyouko, she was a veteran too, and with far more experience even than my beloved redhead. She had a level of self-control that even masters of the martial arts could only dream of. I couldn't help but wonder if it was only skin deep, though. She could never bear to be alone, that was obvious.
Not that anyone can blame her, I thought as I rushed after Madoka and the transfer student. Given that I was trying to turn my grades around, turning up late to school wouldn't have been a great start. I couldn't imagine what it would be like to be so totally alone that I had to rely on Kyubey for company. But I brushed thoughts of him out of my mind completely as I hurried to class. Today was the day that Magical girl Sayaka became class genius!
.0.
I suddenly awoke to the unusual and faintly unpleasant sensation of being prodded. Furious with myself for sleeping in class yet again, I started, sitting up as quickly as I could. Madoka was the obvious culprit, sitting to my right. I glanced over at her, still clearly looking as confused and startled as I felt. Madoka just pointed urgently to the front of the class. My eyes followed her gaze as I slowly caught up with the world.
"-To announce that we have a new transfer student today!" Miss Saotome finished, smiling brightly. "She's missed a lot of school because of some family issues, so she's retaking this year." I regarded our teacher with some considerable dread as I remembered the disruption caused by the last transfer student. I glanced over to my left, and my heart sank yet further. The space next to mine was the only one in the classroom.
"Now, I'd like you all to be very accommodating, and always do your best to help her out if she needs your help." I all but let my head hit the desk again.
"So, if you'd like to introduce yourself?" Miss Saotome said to someone I couldn't quite see, despite the glass walls. Then the transfer student stepped inside, with a flash of red and a familiar smile.
"Hi there!" She said, as my bottom jaw just about hit the desk. "My name's Kyouko Sakura! It's really nice to meet you all! I hope we can all be friends!"
I had to admit, Kyouko looked good in that uniform. After seeing her in that hoodie and those shorts for so long, to see her wear something with a shred of class was just… Unusual. But it really suited her! She had really nice skin. I'd noticed that a little while back, but it was really obvious now, with her skirt so short and free. She had really long, pretty legs, too. Much nicer than mine, at least.
I realised that I was staring. And my mouth was still slightly open. Was I blushing? Yeah, I was blushing. I coughed as quietly as I was able, breaking my own concentration and bringing me back to my senses.
It didn't take long for Kyouko's eyes to find me – my hair is blue, after all. But my heart did skip a beat when she chose my face out of all the others to give an extra-wide smile.
"Ah! There looks to be a spare seat next to Sayaka, there. Would you like to take your place?" Miss Saotome said, and I almost forgot to be annoyed at Kyouko for a second. How dare she enrol without even telling me?
"Sure thing, Miss Teacher-person!" Kyouko said enthusiastically, to the mild amusement of the class, weaving her way down the classroom. It was just like the childish redhead to forget the teacher's name so quickly.
"That's Miss 'Saotome', Kyouko…" the aforementioned teacher added, as Kyouko approached me. All eyes in the class were on the fiery-haired whirlwind.
"Hi Sayaka!" She whispered just loud enough for everyone in the city to hear. I just ignored her. Straight-A Sayaka was not going to be distracted by the new transfer student.
Class went on pretty much as normal, from then on. The only real difference is that I was most certainly awake, for once, and for the first time since before Kyousuke's accident, I felt really self-conscious. But despite all that, I wasn't paying attention to Kyouko. I was doing my work like the excellent student I am, and I wasn't stealing glances at the soft features of her face, or those cute little fangs, or-
"Psssst! Sayaka!"
-Or the way she kept trying to get my attention. And I certainly wasn't paying any attention to the way that she was tapping a pen and pencil like a drum-set against the edge of her desk, or tapping her feet, or her long, lustrous hair held back in that ponytail-
"Sayaka! Pssssssst!"
-Or the way that she clearly wasn't doing any work, or the way that she was actually eating in class now, or the fact that she was scrunching-
A scrunched up piece of paper bounced firmly off my nose. Seething, I turned to look at my aggressor.
"What do you want from me?" I hissed, glaring at her.
"Whoa, what's your problem?" Kyouko said quietly, taken aback. "I was just trying to get your attention!"
"Why?" I asked, exasperated. "You're not even doing any work!"
"Yeah, I don't… I don't get what's going on." Kyouko shrugged.
"It's simple maths, for crying out loud!" I replied. "What's not to get about long multiplication?"
"Uhh, I missed two years of school. Remember?" Kyouko retorted, as if it was something that didn't really matter.
"Well maybe if you paid attention, you'd understand?" I asked, frustrated.
"C'mon, Sayaka, what's your damage? You wake up on the wrong side of bed, or something?" Kyouko asked, looking genuinely taken aback.
"Is something wrong, Kyouko?" Came the voice of Miss Saotome. I winced at my own stupidity. She must have noticed us talking.
"Ah! Sorry Miss, I was just asking Sayaka what was going on 'cos I didn't get it." Kyouko said, and I sighed with relief. No more questions would be asked, and I could get back to wor- "But Sayaka wouldn't tell me."
What?
"Sayaka? Why on earth not? Don't you understand either?" Miss Saotome asked, her gaze on me. I was now stuck in the incredibly difficult situation of lying and saying I didn't understand something easy, or trying to tell the truth in some way that it would make sense.
So, I decided to lie even harder.
"Sorry, Miss… I was just trying to finish off a question so I could help her, is all." I said, looking as innocent and apologetic as possible.
"Oh, I see." The spectacled teacher replied, smiling kindly at Kyouko, who judging from her reaction to my glare, hadn't noticed what she had done wrong. "Well Kyouko, you know that if Sayaka's busy, you can ask one of the others, right?"
"Huh? Oh, 'course Miss, it's just that me and Sayaka are old friends." Kyouko said happily, smiling over at her.
I groaned inwardly. The whole class was now disrupted, and all eyes were on us. Kyouko didn't much seem to mind, but it sure bothered me. Madoka was trying not to laugh, and even Homura looked smug at my embarrassment.
"Oh, right. Well, do try not to disrupt class again, okay?"
"Sure thing, Miss!" Kyouko said, probably having forgotten Miss Saotome's name again.
As she turned back to face the board, Kyouko grinned over at me. But as cute as she was, I couldn't forgive her so easily.
"What was that?" I whispered softly, leaning toward her.
"What was what?" She replied, just as quietly.
"Dropping me in it like that!" I shot back, glancing over at Miss Saotome to make sure that she hadn't heard.
"Oh, that?" She said, as if it had happened years ago. "Yeah, sorry about that. Guess I didn't think."
"When do you ever?" I replied, turning back to face the board.
"At least you're talking to me, now." She said, shrugging.
I just sighed and rubbed my face. "You're unbearable."
"Yeah, but I'm the best you've got." She said cheerfully.
I swear to god, Kyouko… If I didn't love you so much… I thought to myself, gritting my teeth.
"Just pay some attention. Please?" I growled, to which she just smiled.
After that, maths was long, hard and boring. It was always long, hard and boring of course, but especially so now I had Kyouko right next to me. It was making being a perfect student extremely difficult, given how much she was distracting me. It wasn't just her presence, either. She kept poking me, or trying to talk to me, or fidget, or play with her stationary, or talk to our classmates…
*Oh god, please! Make it stop!* I broadcast mentally, just generally casting it out to the others.
*Hey!* Kyouko cried internally.
Madoka stifled a giggle to my right, and the transf- Homura didn't react at all.
*But you're so annoying!* I cast back at Kyouko.
*But it's so boring, here!*
*You didn't have to enrol!*
*Oh, I'm sure it's not so bad.* That was Mami's voice. I keep forgetting she was in range.
*Hold on, you knew?* I asked incredulously, sighing.
*Ummm… Well, technically, yes. Somebody had to set things up for Kyouko so that nobody would ask questions, and I've done it myself before.*
Some deep part of me felt a sudden pang of emotion over that. Obviously, I know that it's because of their shared loss and Mami's experience with that kind of thing, but I really hate it when there's nothing I can do to help Kyouko. She might have been Mami's once, but she's mine now!
*I still wish you'd told me, Kyouko.* I said, sounding sulky.
*I said, I wanted to surprise you!* She said enthusiastically in her mind, flashing me a grin. I reluctantly smiled back. *Besides… Don't you want me here?*
*Hey, don't make it like that. That's not what I said at all.* I said, before focussing my mental conversation onto Kyouko alone, out of privacy. *I'm happy to see you and all, I just… didn't expect it.*
*Ah, no worries.* Kyouko replied, leaning back on her chair and putting her arms behind her head. *Sorry I didn't realise you'd get all crazy about it.*
I huffed indignantly, turning away. But out of the corner of my eye, I could see Kyouko smiling at me. She just loves to wind me up, all the time. But hey, we antagonise each other. It's not perfect, but it's fun.
*So, Kyouko… Did you like your breakfast?* I asked publically, in a casual tone.
*You're damn right I did, Sayaka!* Kyouko replied eagerly. The way she said my name mentally was just as cute, I noted for what must have been the fiftieth time. *Three whole omelettes! You're the best host ever.*
I smiled with pride at my talents as a hostess. But not as widely as I smiled at what came next.
*Is that so, Kyouko?* Said Mami. *I shan't forget that…*
*Ah! M-Mami!* Kyouko cried, shooting forward in her seat with surprise and fear. *I didn't-*
Madoka and I sniggered at her reaction as the redhead produced a dusting of red upon her cheeks as well. Of course I knew perfectly well how proud Mami was as an entertainer.
"Is something wrong, Madoka?" Miss Saotome asked wearily. Apparently she'd seen the three of us, and trusted Madoka's honesty.
"I-it's nothing, Miss Saotome…" Madoka said, coughing a little and settling down.
The rest of the day passed slowly, to say the least. And even though I am now a start student, I admit that I found it pretty hard to focus. Not only were my eyes apparently eager to see Kyouko's new look as often as possible, I was also starting to get a little worried about this 'personal chat' I was going to be having with Mami. I was starting to wonder if it was strictly necessary, for a start. I mean, did it really matter that much if Kyouko was into girls? She could be into a million girls, and I might not be one of them. And it's not like Mami could tell me that. No, only Kyouko could, and I wasn't about to ask her just yet. And really, what was the rush? Knowing this today wouldn't be much different from finding out a month from now, right?
Except we could all be dead by the end of the week… I thought briefly, while everyone else laughed and enjoyed their lunch. I wonder if the others thought about that often, or if it was just me, given how close I'd gotten myself? Either way, those were dark, corrupting thoughts so I ignored them as best I could.
But they really did tell me that time was of the essence, and if I didn't act, sooner or later my object of my affections would slip through my fingers yet again. And I couldn't let that happen twice. Not for my sake, or for the sake of anyone living in Mikatihara.
.0.
"So, Sayaka… You wanted to talk to me, yes?" Mami said, smiling kindly. I didn't see any of that smirk from before. We were walking back in the late afternoon light, bags upon our shoulders. We had finally managed to lose the others – it took some explaining to get Kyouko to head home without me, but Madoka and the transfer student seemed perfectly happy to go and do… Whatever it was while they were alone, I suppose.
"Mhm." I said, my mouth feeling dry.
"About Kyouko, and how I've known her for a very long time?"
"Yeah, that…" I said non-committedly, looking away. This felt like a really bad idea already.
"Well, is something wrong, at all?" She asked, looking over at me. Through the corner of my eye, I could see a concerned expression on her face. She was always so kind.
"Oh no, nothing's wrong like that, at all…" I said, trying to find the right words to sum up my question without revealing too much. How do you ask anyone someone's sexuality without being asked why? We spend so much time together; Mami's going to assume something by it.
"Then in what way is it wrong?" She asked, walking a little closer.
"Look, it's… it's nothing. Don't worry about it, 'kay?" I asked, hoping that would be an end of it.
"It most certainly isn't 'nothing', is it Sayaka?" Mami said, with just a hint of force. I flinched at the sudden gravity of her tone. "Look, I don't want to pry. You're one of my closest friends after all, and you're entitled to your privacy. But we have to trust each other with our lives, and if there's something wrong between you and Kyouko, then-"
"There's nothing wrong!" I said, suddenly realising that I had almost shouted. "I-I mean, there's nothing wrong between us, really. We're still just as close as ever, and we still trust you and each other just as much as before. It's nothing to do with Magical girl stuff or anything, I promise."
"Then what are you hiding from me?" She asked, her tone stern. Apparently she hadn't appreciated the way I had almost shouted. And honestly, I didn't blame her. She had only asked me a valid question. "And more importantly… What are you hiding from Kyouko?"
"Nothing…" I began, but Mami saw right through me. Everyone seemed to, except Kyouko.
"I don't know how you two are when you're alone, but when you're with us, you seem uncomfortable, Sayaka. You act… On edge, and awkward, like there's always something that you want to say but you just can't quite get it out."
My palms were sweaty. My knots in my stomach had become writhing snakes, and my blood ran cold. Mami had me figured out.
"In fact, the way you've been acting over the last couple months or so, is… Almost like something I hardly ever saw. In fact, I think I only ever saw you acting that way twice before. And you know, it was when-" She stopped, both in speech and in movement, pausing as an expression of realisation spread like a sunrise across her face.
"Kyousuke." I muttered, finishing her thoughts for her. I kept walking a couple steps ahead of her, but I stopped after that. I think my heart had stopped beating anyway. I would have appreciated a witch arriving just to break the tension of the moment.
"Oh, Sayaka…" Mami said softly, and I was surprised to hear that her tone was neither mocking nor smug. "I had a feeling I was right…"
"Yeah, well you were." I spat. I didn't feel like talking anymore.
"Then what was it that you wanted from me, then? Did you want to know if we had ever…?"
"Wh-what?" I asked, incredulous. "N-no! Why would I… Wait, did you?" I asked, confused. Surely, her and Kyouko had never-
"Oh, no. Kyouko and I were close, but we were never a couple. Of course, in those days, I did… Love her, in a manner or speaking, but it was a familial kind of love. Like you have for your parents, I'm sure." She explained, blushing.
"I never really see my parents." I replied, unwilling to think of anyone else loving Kyouko in any kind of way. Am I selfish? Without a doubt, it would seem.
"Please cherish them, Sayaka. I'm sure they love you." Mami said softly, and I felt a sharp pang of regret at what I said. I never thought about what I was going to say, and I stepped on far too many toes. Kyouko was a lot like that, too.
"Yeah, I'm sure." I said softly, withholding any opinions that stated the opposite. I had enough of those. "But this isn't about my parents…"
"Yes, I'm sorry. And you… You love Kyouko too, then? And not in the way that I did… Or do, rather."
I just nodded. My only complaint was that perhaps 'love' just didn't sum up what I wanted to say strongly enough? Just to have one word to describe a feeling like that… It wasn't enough to talk about the pain, the fireworks, the hunger, the passion, everything.
"I must admit, I never much thought she would be your… Type?"
"Not much like Kyousuke, is she?" I asked, chuckling without much humour. This conversation hadn't much put me in a good mood. "I mean, aside from the obvious."
Of course, this was true. Aside from having a similar root name, and now attending the same school, there weren't many similarities. Kyousuke was smart, successful, came from a wealthy family and knew how to succeed. He was also pretty cold and distant to most, even me. Kyouko was… Fire. Hot, bold, passionate, outgoing. She came from a poor family that only got poorer before tragedy struck. And yet I had loved them both. Only with Kyouko it felt… More natural, perhaps? Even with my difficulties, I felt much more at ease with Kyouko, and the feelings I have for her seem a little stronger than they were for Kyousuke. Not that it mattered. I don't feel much for him at all, anymore.
"Not at all." Mami said, sharing the gentle chuckle. "But despite her rough exterior, she's still wonderfully kind, and I can easily see why you might feel so strongly toward her. But of course, I'm sure you know that, already."
I smiled briefly, but I couldn't keep it up long. There was still more things that needed to be said.
"Mami, do you think… Kyouko might ever have feelings for… Someone like me?" I asked hesitantly.
"Are you asking if… She's interested in girls?" Mami asked in reply. I just nodded morosely again.
"Then I'm afraid I really can't help you. Even before, when Kyouko was much more open about this sort of thing, we never really discussed it."
"I mean, she is really Christian…" I interjected. I know that some Christians can be a little… iffy on that subject.
"Yes, she is, but I really think it'd be a matter of personal preference over what she's been taught, anyway." Mami said kindly. "Kyouko can lie to a great many people, but she can't lie to herself."
"Ah, you're probably right. But what should I do? I don't want to mess things up." I said, as we turned a corner and started to approach the playground outside the back of the elementary school that Nagisa attended. Kids were playing after school, running about and climbing and rough-housing and all the things kids do. It made me miss my own innocent childhood a bit.
"I think… for now, you should just try to keep an open mind about it. Look out for clues, but don't let it get you down until you know for sure." She said in her veteran's voice, and I nodded in agreement. When Mami used what me and Madoka call her 'veteran's voice', you listened. She was full of vitally important information for a magical girl, and knew the best ways to keep her soul gem stable.
"Anyway, it would appear that we have arrived…" Mami said distractedly, looking out into the throng of playing children. "Nagisa dear?" She called out.
"Sis!" The bubbly child replied, suddenly appearing from the centre of the crowd, waving to someone behind her as she ran toward us.
Nagisa was an adorable little creature, no mistake. She wore a spotted pink frock with dark magenta sleeves, dark magenta tights and shoes with little bows on them. She also wore a huge smile as she ran up to us, throwing herself into a full-body hug with Mami. Well-used to the treatment, Mami took the hug easily in her stride, swinging her gently round and setting her down again. For the third time in two days, I felt a tiny amount of jealousy toward the more experienced magical girls, envying their poise. The only thing I can really swing with any amount of ability is a baseball bat.
"A-and hello to you too, Sayaka!" She cried, turning her head toward me while she still held both of Mami's hands.
"Hey there, kiddo!" I said with a smile and a childish little wave.
"How was your day, dear?" Mami said, in the motherly sort of voice she used on Nagisa.
"Eh… It was okay, Mami…" She said, rolling her eyes. "I got so much homework, though!"
"Well, you'll still have to finish it all before dinner…" Mami replied. Obviously, she too could remember what a child meant by 'so much' homework.
"Aww…" Nagisa whined, releasing Mami and beginning the stroll back to their apartment. "Ooh! Ooh! Can Sayaka stay for dinner?" She asked, suddenly turning round and bouncing off her toes.
"Oh, well, I don't know…" Mami started, looking over at me. "You two aren't free, are you?"
I looked over at Nagisa's huge, pleading eyes. "Well, I don't see why not. My mother's not back until- Hold on, us two?"
"Why, yes. You and Kyouko. She stays at your house nearly every night, doesn't she?"
"We're not tied together, you know!" I said indignantly, but like Mami, and Madoka, and Kyouko, I'm simply not capable of saying no to Nagisa. She's so sweet, and she's had it so tough… "Oh, alright. I'll go home and fetch her, okay?"
"Perfect! Thank you very much, Sayaka." Mami said, smiling warmly.
"Yeah, thanks Sayaka!" Nagisa said eagerly, grinning from ear to ear. Of course, she probably suggested it originally so she could put off doing homework, but she was nearly as fond of Kyouko as she was of Mami. Probably because they're both kids, whether physically or mentally.
"Oh, actually, if you two are coming over…" Mami began, stopping me as I started to leave. "Would you mind making a night of it? If I call Madoka and Homura, and I send you a text with a shopping list, you two could get me some ingredients and I'll prepare for everyone?"
"Sounds great!" I replied, though I didn't much feel like socialising tonight. "Guess that means Kyouko and I are on 'duty' tonight?"
Mami winced a little, nodding. "Well, yes. Sorry. I'd ask Homura and Madoka, only-"
"Only Madoka's going to visit her grandparents out in the countryside tomorrow morning, and she needs an early night." I finished for her. That of course meant that Homura would largely be busy too, though I don't know what she does with her spare time. I could quite easily imagine her just sitting at whatever home she has and just watching the clock slowly count away the seconds. She was going to be like a lost sheep over the next couple of days, without Madoka.
"Sorry again…" Mami said, but I just smiled.
"Oh, don't worry too much about it. Kyouko loves her work anyway, and I'm keen to be protecting the city at night." I said proudly. "Oh, and speaking of which – I'll take the seed from last night down to yours, too."
"Oh! Good idea." Mami said enthusiastically. "I'll tell Madoka to bring the two that she and Homura collected the night before last."
"Alright then." I nodded, starting back the way we had come. Going to Nagisa's school was quite a long way out of my way, but I didn't really mind it. "Don't forget that list!"
"I won't!" Mami called out as I left, and Nagisa said something about seeing me soon, but by that point I'd already started running.
Sharing seeds was how we worked, now. Kyouko had taken a little adjusting to the idea, but was pretty keen on the concept as soon as Mami suggested it. Me and Madoka too, though I'm not sure about the Transfer student. She never really gives opinions.
Due to the hopefulness and happiness of our current situation, we burn up emotional energy pretty slowly. Even I could last longer than Mami could back in the day without recharging, and I burn through the stuff like a steam engine in a fight. The others can last way longer, and if it weren't for the witches putting frequent dents into our purity, we could easily last a month or two if we stayed happy and tried not to move much. But even so, we can't last forever, and because we don't all go out every night anymore, we can't just take what we win when we win it, or else we'd be imbalanced in terms of purity. (Not that it makes much difference – even though we've been at it for months, Madoka and Kyouko still have the purest gems.) So we try to meet up at least once a week or so to recharge socially, or if we've had a gloomy few days, we might borrow a little off one of the others to top us up before going out on the hunt. That way we're always ready, and we're always pretty strong. I'd be proud if it was my idea, but of course it was Mami's. It was adapted from when she used to share with Kyouko more than a year ago, when she used to dream of actually making a number of friends that were Magical girls and doing exactly what we do now. I suppose she's had enough time to think of tactics. That was before she realised that Magical girls like us were something of an exception.
If a Magical girl intends to live more than a few months, they have to toughen up fast or find some way of coping, thanks to the rules of karmic destiny. For some, like Kyouko, it doesn't kick in for months. For others, like Mami and Nagisa, it's almost instant, and for me, it took just under two weeks for karmic destiny to catch up with me. Things are always hard for Magical girls – otherwise we wouldn't be eligible to become one – but there's always a point where the nature of your wish comes back to bite you. I was lucky, because I had Kyouko by my side when it happened to me, and Mami's almost unique, in that she was strong enough to overcome it. Most, however, get hardened, like Kyouko, cold to the outside world and uncaring toward humans who haven't suffered for their happiness, while some simply lose their grasp on sanity. As naturally solitary people, unless they spot weakness in a neighbouring territory, Magical girls don't visit each other and we don't see much of outsiders. As desirable as our location is, we are essentially untouchable as a unit of six. But that said, someone recently moved into Kazamino, Kyouko's old territory, and we occasionally see them from a distance. Kyouko says she doesn't trust them, but I know we don't have anything to fear. Who would be stupid enough to take all of us on? Only Homura could really take on those odds, because she cheats. And before we drove him out, Kyubey said that her powers were all but unique because most don't have the karmic destiny to deserve that kind of power.
I sometimes wonder what it was that Homura had to overcome before she met us. It must have been some tough stuff, for her to get that way. Still, it wouldn't kill her to stop glaring at me the whole time.
I slowed to a jog, puffing a bit as I crossed a road, absorbed by the crowd of commuters. I looked at them, busy worker ants going about their day, and I wondered to myself how many of these people I had saved in the past. That was a strange feeling. It wasn't very rewarding, because we didn't get much appreciation for it, but it did feel a little nice to know that we had made a difference, correcting the mistakes of our predecessors. Sometimes I thought about who might have to kill me if I ever turn into a witch, but it's not healthy to think about that kind of thing.
I wonder if Kyouko can look these people in the eye? I thought, startled by my own change of metal pace. Sure, Kyouko fought with us now, and was a reluctant ally of justice. But that didn't change the fact that, for a whole year, Kyouko turned her back on the human race and lived like some kind of parasite, stealing from them and letting them die to fuel her own magic.
I'm still not sure how I feel about all that. It's morally wrong, without a doubt. And I don't take back any of the harsh things I said to Kyouko about it. But… Kyouko is so sweet and kind, sometimes, and as I start to get a little better at fighting, I've started to notice just how much consideration she gives me in the thick of battle.
I didn't notice much, at first. Just the odd moment where she might delay an attack to make sure I was well clear, or striking at a familiar I hadn't noticed. But the better I get, the more I seem to notice that she actually puts herself in danger sometimes, just to make sure I don't get hurt. It's stupid, really. And idiotic, but… I really like it.
I love the witch hunt sometimes, I thought to myself, as the crowds started to thin out a bit. I was passing through a residential district now, so most people were already at home. Yeah, it's scary. It's hellish sometimes, and disturbing, and I know only too well that I'm putting my life on the line every time that I step out of my apartment. But somehow, with Kyouko… It didn't really seem so bad. I couldn't explain it even if I wanted to, but she just makes me feel okay, in some weird way.
"Hey there, Sayaka!" Came the obnoxious, jolting voice of my discomforting love interest.
"Kyouko?" I stammered, startled. I looked around, but she was nowhere to be seen. Speak of the devil…
"Up here, Blockhead." She said mockingly, and I looked upward.
Still clad in her school uniform, Kyouko had decided to go for a subtle approach and was standing proudly atop a lamppost, hands on her hips in a heroic stance.
"For crying out loud, Kyouko! What are you doing up there?" I asked, squinting up at her past the glare of the light.
"Surprising you. I was starting to wonder if you were coming back! You've been ages."
"Yeah, we went to pick up Nagisa from school…" I said, frowning at her. She was far too laid back about the weirdness of this situation.
"Ah, okay. What is it you two were talking about anyway?" She asked, hitting home immediately. I knew she'd ask, but I hoped she'd give me a little more time to prepare.
"Oh, we were just… Hey, hold on!" I said, rapidly (And skilfully) changing the subject. "Get down from there! You're still wearing your skirt!" I was having trouble not looking myself, so anyone might see! Especially with her stance as wide as it was, and her legs as long and eye-catching as they were…
"Aww, crap!" Kyouko swore with a blush, using one hand to stop her skirt from billowing out as she dropped down. She landed as if she'd just stepped off a kerb, rather than a fifteen-foot metal pole.
"Really, Kyouko!" I scolded, lightly flicking her nose. "You are a girl, you know!"
"Ow! Hey!" She shouted in response, rubbing her nose as her blush only got darker. "Shut up! Nobody'd be lookin', anyways." She muttered stubbornly, sniffing.
"Oh sure, like a girl standing on a streetlight isn't gonna attract attention." I replied with a smirk, turning to go. Of course I understood what she really meant – that nobody would be interested in looking – but I wasn't about to let her wallow in unfounded self-pity. I did note that it was a very un-Kyouko thing to say, but I didn't press it. Instead, I turned to go. "Whatever. Let's go, shall we?"
"Go where? You're headed the wrong way, dummy." She shot back smugly, staying where she was.
"Am not. Who said we were going home?" I retorted, equally smug.
"Where are we going, then?" She asked suspiciously, hurrying to catch up with me as I got walking.
"Mami's. She invited all four of us around this evening to eat. Nagisa asked."
"Yay!" The childish redhead cried, jumping as she drew level with me. "Mami, Nagisa and decent food portions!" Although I always tried to cater for Kyouko's… unique dietary requirements, I've never really been the type to eat in big quantities, and as my parents are rarely home, the kitchen isn't well-stocked. Mami, on the other hand, as well as being a far superior chef, always knows how to cook for Kyouko, and can always cook enough to satisfy the greedy ball of youthful energy.
"I thought I was the best host, Kyouko?" I said mockingly, and she scowled.
"Shut up about that, already!" She growled, and I laughed softly. "Still… It's a shame about Homura." She said, throwing me with the sudden and unexpected change of subject.
"How so?" I asked, raising one brow in curiosity.
"Well, she's going to be there." She said, before flashing me one of her beautiful, enthusiastic fang-sporting grins.
I sniggered in response, happy to laugh for a moment at the black-haired misery's expense. She wasn't there, anyway. Kyouko knew me too well – jokes about Homura would almost always get a laugh out of me. Kyouko seemed to dislike her, as well, though that was little surprise – Kyouko seemed to be able to dislike nearly everyone. When I first met the two of them, I assumed they'd make good friends. They were both pretty callous and unfeeling, and neither seemed to care much about me, or about any humans that got in the way of what they wanted. But after a while, I realised why they could never get on, despite appearing so similar. Because while they both acted that way at first, Kyouko had been desperately lying to herself, trying to force herself not to care so that she wouldn't get hurt. Homura on the other hand… Well, she just seemed not to care at all. Kyouko, that… Deceptively sweet and caring girl, just couldn't get her head around it.
"Hey now," I said, still chuckling. "Madoka says we have to be nice to her, now we're all pals."
"Ah, Madoka's not the boss of me." Kyouko said, crossing her arms.
"No, she's not, is she?" I said, nudging her. "That would be Mami, wouldn't it?"
"Hey, knock it off with the Mami stuff!" She replied angrily, 'nudging' me back. I almost fell over.
"Well, she's the only person you listen to." I said, in response, getting my balance back.
"She's the only one I have cause to respect." She huffed. "She's the only Magical girl with more experience than me."
"As if being a Magical girl is all there is in life?"
"Isn't it?" She said back, almost looking serious for a brief moment. "It's who we are."
"You're a school student now, Kyouko…" I reminded her. "And you sit next to Straight-A Sayaka."
"Oh yeah…" She made a face. "Not sure all this 'schooling' rubbish is really for me, actually… Too many rules, and it feels so cramped!"
"You've only been a day!" I shot back, frowning at her. "How can you pass judgement on something so quickly!"
Kyouko rolled her eyes. "Well, obviously, it's because I'm amazing, and you're not."
"That doesn't even make sense!" I shot back, poking her arm. I love to argue with Kyouko. Even the stupid stuff is fun. Because when we argue, there's nothing between us. I don't need to step on eggshells like I do with other people. I don't need to be polite, or courteous. And better yet, I get to see Kyouko at her finest. It might not make much sense, from outside. Why would I like the Kyouko that fights with me the most? That should be the part I should hate, the one that I first met. But when we're arguing, she's so… Brash, so assertive, so loud that it's impossible not to like her. There's no restraint from Kyouko and I really like it.
"And besides, you don't- Hey, your phone's buzzing." Kyouko said, breaking me out of my trance.
"Hm?" I grunted, reaching into my pocket and retrieving it. "Oh yeah! I almost forgot, we need to pick up a few things for Mami!"
"Trust you to forget, Sayaka…"
"Hey! It's not like anyone would trust you with something like that, anyway…" I said, opening the message. The list looked pretty long.
"Only 'cos I don't have a phone!" Kyouko shot back, hands on her hips as we walked. "I'm super reliable, me."
"Yeah yeah, whatever." I said, intentionally belittling her. "Now come on, we've got loads to buy."
.0.
God damn, that was a long one! Worth it though, I think. Originally it was going to be almost twice as long, and include the evening's activities as well, but I decided that really, 10,000 words was quite enough for one chapter.
As a disclaimer, I do apologise if what Sayaka said was offensive to Christians. As an agnostic myself, I've got no real opinions on religious belief, but I see Sayaka as the sort of person that doesn't really know a great deal about Christianity, or really all that much in general. So, while I'm sure that Christians are cool with that sort of thing these days, there are those that aren't, and it's them that Sayaka's worried about.
Thanks for reading, and please let me know if there's any comments or criticisms you'd like to make!