Impossible to Love You
Disclaimer: Naruto belongs to the brilliant Masashi Kishimoto-sama. I am not Masashi Kishimoto-sama, unfortunately.
Warnings: Incest, swearings.
Pairings: ItaSasu.
A/N: I'm more than half a year late… I hadn't expected the trip to make me lose inspiration. Don't get me wrong, it was wonderful. I dearly missed it, and all the friends I had made. But maybe it wasn't the trip, but rather my school that made me lose inspiration. A few months back, I tried writing a paragraph, and I didn't get pass it. I wouldn't say my inspiration is back now either. But I really do want to end the story properly. I think most readers who had been following this story have forgotten about it, and I'm really sorry to all of you. But thank you for all the wonderful reviews. I do appreciate them with all my heart. On a side note, I learnt that salted salmon is shiozake. I had plenty of 88yen shiozake onigiri in Japan's convenience stores, haha. Wang Yao, thank you so much for that long review. I try to make their characters as close to the manga as possible, cos I do kind of hate OCC characters. Even if it's A/U, it's no excuse to make them OCC. It wouldn't be a fanfiction based on our favourite characters anymore, I feel. Ok, I'm rambling. I still don't quite know how to end this, but I have a feeling it's not going to be too happy an ending, looking at the way my plot is weaving itself out, haha. About "Thor's hammer", I'm sorry but I couldn't resist. I simply love Norse mythology since like, forever. Hot4Sas, don't worry, I haven't forgotten Gaara!
"Alright, now, let's aim for the prostitution den in Tobita-Shinchi. It's reasonably far from Tokyo, and it's located at the famous red-light district in Osaka, so even if the police are to bust them, it wouldn't be traced to us." Sasuke proposed, tracing his finger on the map.
"As you wish, sir." Suigetsu said mockingly.
"And you'll gather your friends to help see when exactly they're operating and only inform the cops when it's the peak hour. If Itachi's there cease your operations."
"Why? Still care for your big brother?" Suigetsu teased, a twinkle playing on his amethyst eyes.
"Are you wishing for an early death?" Sasuke growled darkly.
"Nope. But seriously, if you hate him that much you could easily do him in that way!"
"I want to deal with him on my own." Sasuke said sullenly.
"Fine, fine. Anything more, my lord?"
"Not for now. Message me when the work is done." Sasuke replied curtly, seemingly unfazed by the endless teasing.
Suigetsu waved cheerily at his disappearing figure before he turned his eyes back to his big project. This was going to be great fun he had sorely missed for a while.
Sasuke counted the wad of notes in his hands glumly before handing it to the clerk behind the counter. His credit card was was frozen, as were all his bank accounts. That Madara asshole. Now that he was his temporary guardian he was doing all he could to break him.
As the clerk returned him his change, he clutched the coins in his hands so deeply he felt the hard circlets digging and imprinting themselves into the flesh of his palm. With this paltry sum of cash with him, he could barely survive for more than four days in this dingy motel. Suigetsu had better strike fast.
Sasuke lumbered to the tiny room, scowling at the peeling paint on the walls and the thin, rat-eaten carpet. The fetid stench of cigarettes hung over the room like invisible smog. Sasuke placed his violin case on the bed and opened it.
His violin rested in the black velvet like a corpse in a coffin. He hadn't played the violin in ages, it reminded him of the better times he'd had with his family. His mother's beautiful smile, his father's pride that softened the creases on his face… faded like a vague dream, but the emotions remained acute, driving a ragged nail into the core of his heart. He ran his fingers over the varnish of the wood, pressing softly at the strings that lay over the ebony. He shut the lid of the case gently.
At that moment his phone rang. Sasuke swiftly checked the caller, his heart racing wildly for the briefest of a millisecond, sinking immediately when he saw the caller's name.
Naruto, again. This irritating fellow had been pestering him since he left the hospital. If Sasuke hadn't had a crucial mission, he would have switched his phone off. Or flung it across the room. But he had to be on constant alert for Suigetsu's possible call or message. Damn that Naruto.
Sasuke heaved a yet louder sigh. Deep within himself he knew that he was hoping for Itachi to call. What for, he didn't know. He wouldn't even know what to say to him. And he certainly didn't want to hear all the nasty words from him again.
The three words since the night in the rain still rung clear in his mind, giving his body an involuntary shiver as the vivid memories of the night flooded back.
Sasuke could still taste the rain, and his lips, and feel the rain mixing with his tears.
But Sasuke knew that he wanted, no, craved to hear his voice just once again. Even if all that rolled from the silky mouth was poison, he was intoxicated by the lull of the velvety baritone. The days spent apart from him were slowly but surely driving him to the point of unadulterated insanity.
Sasuke growled. He hated himself for being this weak, and pathetic. Itachi was absolutely right. He was a pathetic being. He threw his phone onto the bed and strode out of the room. He needed a breathing space to clear his mind.
As Sasuke trudged down the narrow hallway, he spotted a familiar figure. Of all places! He couldn't believe his bad fortune. Tokyo was fucking huge, why did he have to bump into him again?
Sasuke turned tail and sprinted back to his room, locking the door firmly behind him. At least he still wasn't that down on his luck for he hadn't seen him. Well he had been too busy necking that skinny stranger anyways. Sasuke rolled his eyes as he entered his bathroom and ran his bath. He really needed to be by himself, to focus on his plan.
He had just finished with his bath when he heard a knock on his door. Sasuke frowned. He didn't remember calling for room service. He wrapped himself in a robe and opened the door cautiously, only to slam the door shut when he saw the familiar khol-lined eyes that widened almost comically at the sight of him. Repeated bangings followed suit and he walked towards the motel room's phone on the dressing table purposefully. He dialled the reception number, and waited.
"Excuse me, I'm from room 213 and there's a lunatic trying to bang my door down. Can you get someone to stop this troublemaker?" Sasuke snapped.
After hearing apologies and assurances from the reception desk, he hung up the phone and waited impatiently for the racket to end. It was only when it did a good fifteen minutes later, he could finally switch off the lights and sleep in peace. Or attempt to sleep whilst his mind busied itself with skidding thoughts of his revenge and flashes of a fair-skinned man with dark hair and eyes. Gradually sleep ruled over his mind, but he was not spared from disturbing dreams of his dead mother and a man he once called brother.
Sasuke almost leapt from his bed, his eyes flipping open. He couldn't sleep any longer. Not after this particularly bad dream that featured Itachi dripping in blood as he stood over their dead mother with a sinister grin, his index finger trailing the blunt side of the murder weapon, a long sword that gleamed ruby under the crimson moonlight.
Sasuke swung open the room door, anxious to leave the room and his disturbed mind.
The door swerved out to hit a solid body that yelped in shock and pain. Sasuke hastened to return to his room upon hearing his yell, but the persistent man stretched a long arm across and pressed his palm firmly against the door.
"What do you want with me?" Sasuke demanded hotly.
"Why are you avoiding me like the plague? Gaara shot in return.
"I have better things to do than deal with you. Go back to your lover." Sasuke snapped harshly.
"Are you jealous?" Gaara asked coyly.
Sasuke merely bristled in reply. Gaara wilted slightly.
"Fine. But I have things to say to you."
Sasuke folded his arms and barked, "Out with them."
"Now now you shouldn't be treating me so badly. Remember, I didn't even take advantage of you when you offered yourself to me." Gaara reminded.
Sasuke flushed. He certainly remembered that embarrassing incident, which was partly the reason as to why he didn't want to see him.
Gaara continued, seemingly oblivious of Sasuke's flustered state. "Anyways, I haven't heard from you in about two weeks. The school has closed down with your father's arrest, and with all that unrest happening to your family, I was seriously wondering what happened to you. You're looking quite bad, by the way."
Sasuke scrutinized him with a narrowed gaze. Gaara's kohl-lined eyes spelt of nothing but pure sincerity. Sasuke stared deeper, searching for signs of deceit, but he could find none in those jade green orbs.
Gaara interrupted their stare with a loud sneeze. Sasuke sighed, and tapped his arm that was blocking the doorway. Gaara only stared back at him blankly.
"Go on in."
Gaara smiled, and held the door open for Sasuke to enter. Sasuke pointed him to the sofa at the corner of the room as he himself sat at the edge of the bed.
"Do feel free to confide in me babe. I need to see my beauty bright and perky. I hate those shadows around your beautiful eyes."
"Stop all that flirting nonsense. You know I'm in no mood for this right now." Sasuke growled.
"Alright… I heard from Shikamaru that everyone was unable to locate your whereabouts. Why are you avoiding the whole world? We could help you."
"I have other friends who can provide me with more than just words of condolences. Anyway, don't you dare tell anyone that you've seen me around."
"I won't, I promise. So you'll keep staying here?"
"While I still can." Sasuke looked away, embarrassed. He had just admitted that he was flat broke to this person he didn't even consider a friend.
"I have an apartment, if you don't mind, you can move in with me." Gaara offered generously.
"You're living on your own? Why do you need to make out in motels then?" Sasuke blurted in a weak moment of curiosity.
"I was never on good terms with my father, so I moved out the moment I could. And about that… think again my innocent. No one in their right mind likes to dirty their own bed for one-night stands. And to let a stranger know where you live…" Gaara explained as he stood up and walked towards Sasuke, who was busy digesting the information.
Sasuke almost jumped when an arm slid over his shoulder and squeezed it in a less than innocent manner.
"If it is you though… I'll be more than happy to have you warming my bed." Gaara whispered seductively into his ear.
"Are you genuinely offering me help or trying to take advantage of me?" Sasuke asked coldly, narrowing his eyes in suspicion.
"Can't you take a little joke? I won't have you moaning your beloved's name whilst I'm at my personal high. Come on, let's get out of this sick place. It stinks."
Sasuke absorbed his surroundings in appreciation. The apartment was big and had a modern furnishing, with glass windows that dropped from the ceiling all the way to the ground, allowing one to admire the city lights below that shimmered like a psychedelic myriad of stars in a starburst galaxy.
"Thank you." He muttered softly. Even though it was far from his house's luxurious decor, it had a lived in appearance, and reminded him of what his home used to be.
"No problem. There's a spare room down the corridor. I'm really bushed, and I think I'm getting down with a cold too, so I'm off to bed now. Goodnight." Gaara said with a wheezy voice.
Sasuke stared as he vanished into his room, feeling a sudden twinge of guilt at making him stay out all night at the cold corridor. He quickly shook the thought away and made his way to his room. After all, he could always make up for it by making some breakfast for him tomorrow.
The next day, Sasuke was up and about at 7 am in the morning. Suigetsu had just given him some wonderful news, so he was going to make a lovely breakfast as a mini celebration.
Sasuke rummaged the fridge, and was relieved to find sufficient provisions inside. As he set about steaming the rice and chopping the ingredients for miso soup, he thought happily of how Madara must have looked upon finding out that one of his famous prostitution dens had been busted.
Now he'd have to meet up with Suigetsu to discuss about their second step. Maybe he'd destroy one of his gambling dens next. But he had to move carefully to ensure that Madara wouldn't smell a rat.
A dark smile played upon his aristocratic features as he finished cooking the rice and soup and started grilling the shiozake.
A pair of hands wrapped around his waist, startling him out of his gleeful thoughts. Gaara laid his head on his shoulder, snuggling against him.
"I was dreaming of a wonderful breakfast back in my bed when I realised that the delicious aroma was too strong to be a dream. Why such a spread early in the morning?"
"It's just a simple breakfast." Sasuke muttered, shrugging a disappointed Gaara off him.
"Really?"
"Fine, I made this to thank you for allowing me to stay in your abode."
"Angels are always welcome." Gaara purred, patting an irate Sasuke at his lower back before slinking off to the living room.
The two of them sat opposite each other in the tiny square table, savouring the warm breakfast before them.
"You should be a chef. I especially love your shiozake." Gaara praised.
"Hn. I've a question for you. Why are you helping me? Don't give me lame reasons like because I'm hot or stuff like that."
"I… You have the same eyes as I did." Gaara answered calmly, even as he averted his eyes.
"What?"
"My father sees me as my mother's murderer, for she died giving me life. My siblings as well, took to his thinking, and were, for quite a long time, frankly quite afraid of me. But we have all grown, and they now know that it hadn't been entirely my fault that our mother died, so I guess we're on better terms." Gaara explained.
"I don't see how we share the same eyes."
"I once held hatred for my father, my brother, my sister. This tattoo was a mark to remind myself that I should only love myself and exist for myself. I was too held back by my past, and lived in the past. It was a time of the greatest darkness for me. I only just understood that it is better to look forward to the future, for one cannot change the past."
Sasuke stared at him. He hadn't expected that Gaara would reveal such a vulnerable side of himself to him. And he understood what Gaara was trying to say. And he couldn't agree more.
"Yes, I believe in looking forward to the future." To his future revenge, that was.
Gaara gazed at him, doubt clouding the green in his eyes, but said nothing.
Itachi's hands hardened into fists in his pockets, but he held himself in check with a superhuman strength he never knew he possessed. Madara crossed his arms with a careless grace, reclining in his leather chair as he lifted his legs and placed them on his desk.
"Why did you do it?" Itachi asked with gritted teeth.
"Do what?" Madara smirked.
The impulse to wipe the smirk off Madara's face with a nasty punch rippled through his body but he remained in stiff poise even as a vein throbbed in his temple.
"You. Killed. My. Father."
"Now now you must speak with evidence. Don't go around accusing innocent people like me." Madara said with a mock hurt expression.
Itachi squeezed his lids shut, taking in a deep breath to control his burning rage that threatened to explode into mindless violence.
"I don't need evidence. I know you did it. Why? I didn't do any more damage to your businesses—"
"One of my biggest businesses in Tobita-Shinchi has been raided." Madara said coolly.
Itachi reeled back in shock. It couldn't be—
"I know it wasn't you. You wouldn't be that silly as to not listen to my warning. I figured it must have been that foolish brother of yours. Can't you hold him in reins?" Madara admonished.
"You knew it wasn't me, so why did you still, still do that?"
"It is high time your father gets punished. Besides, it's not like he's a saint. Oh, I mean, was. Now run along and break the news to your little brother. He's staying in one of my business associate's son's place. I believe his name is Gaara. Tell him he will be the next to die if he dares to try anything funny again."
"You got someone to follow him?"
"I had no intention to, but seeing how bent he is to destroy me I can't just sit back and do nothing can I? That's not my style, you know me." Madara's sardonic smile grew, twisting his face.
"You—" Itachi shot up from his seat, only to swallow his words and remove his fist from Madara's face upon seeing two pistols aimed at his head.
In his blinding fury he had forgotten the two bloody bodyguards that Madara had next to him whenever they were in private discussion. Itachi glared at their dispassionate faces and Madara's maniac smile, before spinning on his heel and left.
Itachi drove like a mad man, speeding through the red lights before reaching Gaara's apartment. He only hesitated when he reached the doorstep. It was the middle of the night. He shouldn't disturb them whilst they were sleeping. Or engaged in some night activity that he didn't want to think about. So he had no choice but to remain outside the door till morning arrived.
After a long wait out in the blistering cold, Itachi was greeted not by the morning shine on his face. Instead, he was rudely driven awake by someone shaking his entire frame. He cracked open a sleepy lid, momentarily not registering the kohl-lined eyes that blinked down owlishly at him. He shot up almost instantaneously when he realised who it was, calming down slightly when he noticed that Sasuke wasn't around.
"Aren't you… Sasuke's brother?"
Itachi nodded dumbly.
"You're looking for him? How did you know he's staying here?"
"I… I have something important to tell him."
"Come in. I'll wake him up."
"No, it's alright. I'll wait till morning comes."
"It's winter now. You have to come in if not you'll catch a cold."
"Thank you." Itachi bowed tiredly, and entered gratefully. The whipping cold seemed to gnaw at his bones even though he was wrapped in his coat.
"I have no more rooms to spare. You'll have to make do with the couch."
"It'll do. Thank you." Itachi bowed once again, not moving from his spot until Gaara retired to his room.
Itachi settled down on the couch, curling his long fingers together. He had been wrong about Gaara all this while. Gaara was a nice boy.
Could it have been his own jealousy that was providing warped views about Gaara?
Sasuke would be safe with someone like Gaara. However, his father was linked to Madara. But seeing that he is living alone at such a tender age he couldn't be on good terms with his father.
Naruto… Gaara… they were dependable people Sasuke could rely on. Now all he had to do was to convince Sasuke to move on with his life and not obsess about revenge. And he had no idea how on earth he could possibly do that. Sasuke was the most recalcitrant person he ever knew, and now, blinded by hatred and revenge, he knew Sasuke would never listen to him, especially once the horrible news was broken to him.
It was impossible to fall asleep, knowing Sasuke was just a few steps away from him. He could practically feel his very presence, and his body tingled with the notion.
Besides, it was only a few hours before dawn broke, and he would finally see him again. This entire week spent without him was driving Itachi to the teetering edge of hysteria.
Yet when he saw him, he missed him even more. For he could never touch him again, never talk to him in a normal brotherly way again. All he asked was for all these. But in a moment of folly, he became his family's undoing. He deserved this pain that pierced into his heart and soul, he knew he did.
But Sasuke didn't. And all he was doing was hurting Sasuke more when he was trying to protect him. He couldn't imagine facing Sasuke again, and telling him harsh words he didn't ever mean. It broke his heart a million times over whenever he saw Sasuke's pained face.
Sometimes, all he wanted was just to disappear from the face of this earth, but that meant that he couldn't protect Sasuke anymore, and he knew he couldn't be so selfish.
Death was never an option.
He could only live on in a dastardly manner to save his brother.
Itachi turned his head to look at the night lights below that spread like a bed of glittering gems, wishing the artificial lights wouldn't fade. But time ticked away against his wishes, and the sun slowly crept up the horizon, swallowing the moon and dissolving the night lights with its hazy silvery gold beams.
Itachi watched the brightening of the raven sky with mounting dread. He couldn't bear to lounge on the comfort of the couch anymore. He moved towards the full-length windows that stretched from one end of the room to another, pressing his palm against the ice-cold pane.
A loud gasp barely startled him. He was prepared for this. But he did not turn to face the person behind him. He couldn't.
"You!" Sasuke screeched from behind.
Itachi remained reticent.
A hand clammed down fiercely on his shoulder, forcing him to face up to him, to reality.