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Thanks again to moosals for pre-reading. Stephenie Meyer owns all characters.

Chapter 20 – I Don't Want Your Love

After the book signing is over at noon, Edward returns to the hotel to pack up his suitcase so that we can check out by 1pm. It's still raining, so instead of finding a place nearby where we can walk to lunch, we drive north into Washington before exiting the freeway and looking for something.

It's about a four-and-a-half-hour drive from Portland to Forks, so we're back home just in time for me to meet the girls for our usual Thursday night dinner. I know they're going to grill me on what happened with Edward. I don't mind though; I'd really like to get an outside perspective.

Alice is already in the corner booth when I arrive. She starts squealing as soon as she sees me.

"Oh my God, tell me what happened!" she demands, bouncing in her seat.

"Hold your horses!" I laugh, sitting beside her. "I'm not telling you and then repeating it when Angela shows up. And this from the girl who refused to give us any of the good deets on your visit with Jasper."

"I told you, I don't kiss and tell!" she repeats for the hundredth time.

"Well, neither do I."

"There was kissing involved?" she squeals. I roll my eyes.

When our waitress stops by, we order drinks for the three of us — Alice and I know Angela's order by now. She shows up just as our waitress is setting the drinks on the table.

"I swear to God, if I get much bigger, we're gonna have to start sitting at a table," she grumbles as she slides into the booth across from us. Alice and I — and our waitress — snicker at her, earning each of us a lethal glare. We place our orders and then I know it's my turn in front of the firing squad.

"Spill it, Swan," Angela orders. "Give us the good, the bad and the ugly of your trip with Edward."

I take a long sip of my drink first, mostly to make them sweat it out. "OK, the good… I had a great time with Edward, and I really enjoyed spending time with Masen." I pause dramatically. "Also, I think Edward is a leg man."

"What?!" Alice exclaims.

"I bought new pajamas with shorts, and I know he was looking at my legs. He also seemed to be looking down my top when I inadvertently gave him a peep show."

"A-ha! I told you that you needed to get sexy pajamas!"

"They weren't sexy," I stress. "But the top was loose enough to blouse out from the way I was sitting."

"OK, so he looked, then what?" Angela asks.

"Then… nothing. I think he liked what he saw, but he didn't really want to."

"But that's progress, right?" Alice persists. "You know he's attracted to you. I'd definitely put that in the good column."

"And the fact that he doesn't want to be is in the bad column. Along with Jane."

"Who the fuck is Jane?" Alice asks.

"She works for Edward's publishers coordinating the book signings — basically a glorified babysitter. She had her eye on Edward, but I'm sure my presence put a snag in her plans."

"You know this for sure?" Angela asks.

I nod. "She actually asked me when we were alone if Edward and I were together, and when I said no, she asked if he was available. I tried to tell her she'd be wasting her time."

"She doesn't sound like much of a threat then," Alice comments. "Anything in the ugly category?"

I sigh, taking another sip of my Diet Coke as I try to figure out how to explain this. "I think… I'm really falling for Edward," I confess. "And Masen."

"Why is that so awful?" Angela asks, her face adorably scrunched up.

"Because he appears to be nowhere near ready for a new relationship. Yeah, I already knew that he's still grieving, but from some of the conversations we had… I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel," I shrug.

"I wouldn't be too sure about that," Alice advises. "If he's looking at you, if he's able to find another woman attractive, then I think he's not that far off being ready to move on with someone else."

"You really think so?" I ask hopefully.

"Yeah, I do," she smiles. "I promise I'm not just trying to make you feel better."

"I agree with Alice," Angela speaks up. "I took a few Psychology classes back in college, and I remember reading a list of signs that indicate someone who's been widowed or divorced is ready to stick their toe back into the dating pool."

"So you're saying I just need to be patient," I sigh. "I guess I can do that, if I feel like my patience will lead to something."

"You can't push him, so what alternative do you have?" Angela questions. "All you could really do is move on and start dating someone else."

I wrinkle my nose at the thought of dating another man from Forks. "Patience it is then."

Jasper and his parents arrive in Forks on Friday night, staying through Monday. I'm kind of jealous of my best friend when I learn that she'll be having Easter dinner with the Cullens on Sunday. Edward actually invited me to join them, but my dad was insistent on having a family holiday of our own with Sue and her kids.

Though I offered to host, Sue is helping out by bringing the side dishes. I spend Sunday morning baking a carrot cake — a tradition my dad started with me when I still believed in the Easter bunny — then start the ham for our dinner.

"How was your trip with Edward?" Dad asks as we eat.

"Hottie Edward?" Leah exclaims, her eyebrows nearly up to her hairline. "Man, you'll be the envy of nearly every single woman in Forks."

"Yes, that Edward," I reply, rolling my eyes. "I was just helping him out, watching his son while he was busy at a handful of book signings. And I had a great time, Dad. It was a lot of fun watching Masen. The weather was nice enough when we were in Seattle to take him to a park with a playground."

"Even if it was innocent, I wouldn't tell too many people," Leah chuckles. "Seriously, I think women follow him around the store like a dog after a treat. Or maybe a big meaty… sausage."

I burst out laughing at her description. "Yeah, my coworker's sister works there and she mentioned how popular he apparently is."

"Oh, what's her name?"

"Lauren."

"Ha! She works in Produce and is probably one of the worst at throwing herself at him."

"I have to admit, you've got me intrigued as to what this man looks like," Sue says with a smile.

"Well, he's right next door if you want to go knock and take a peek," I tease her.

"Did you ever find out how his wife died?" she asks. "And what made him move to Forks?"

"Oh… yeah, I guess I found that out over two months ago. She was killed during a home invasion."

"Oh dear!" Sue gasps. "I hope the person responsible is behind bars."

"He is," I nod. "He was convicted in late January, though he hasn't been sentenced yet. Hey Dad, do you think that's maybe why Edward's name sounded familiar to you?"

My dad puts down his fork, stroking his moustache. "I can't imagine I would've heard of a murder in Chicago."

"Bree's car was stolen, so maybe there was an APB on it?" I question.

"That's possible," he agrees.

"Edward moved to Forks because he couldn't stay in Chicago due to nightmares," I answer Sue's second question. "I think he wanted a quiet, safe community, and he'd enjoyed this area while on a vacation with his parents years ago."

"That makes sense," she nods. "The poor thing may be suffering some kind of PTSD."

"Well, he'll have his pick of women once he's ready to move on," Leah comments, making me frown. It's true that Edward may be attracted to me, but I'm sure there are other attractive women in Forks. What if he falls for one of them?

My dad clears his throat. "Um, speaking of moving on… I've asked Sue to marry me, and she said yes!"'

"Dad!" I yell at the same time Seth yells out, "Way to go!" and Leah jumps up to hug her mother.

"Charlie," Sue chuckles, "I thought we were going to tell them after dinner?"

"Eh, the timing seemed right," he shrugs.

"Have you set a date?" I ask.

"Soon-ish, I think," he answers. "If Sue and Seth are going to be moving into the house, we'd like to get them settled before Seth starts at Forks High in September."

"I hope it's OK if Seth moves into your old bedroom, Bella?" Sue asks.

"Yes, of course! I don't plan on living there again," I laugh.

"Now, we're not thinking of a big wedding," Dad cautions. "We might just elope somewhere, just the two of us."

"Well, that's no fun if I can't make your cake," I pout, mostly teasing.

After dinner, the five of us move into the living room and turn on the TV until we're hungry enough for dessert. Dad had insisted that we have our dinner after the Mariners' afternoon game, but he picks up the remote control looking for another night baseball game to watch.

When we're finally hungry again, I head into the kitchen to serve up the cake, surprised when Dad follows me.

"I thought I'd help out," he says when I look at him in confusion, but somehow I think there's more to it. Dad never really has anything to do with things in the kitchen, except for rinsing off dishes.

"Isabella," he begins while I search for the best knife in the drawer, "are you really OK with my getting married again?"

"Of course I am!" I stress, turning to look him in the eye. "Why wouldn't I be?"

"Well, you know… it's been just the two of us for so long."

"Dad, I'm 25 years old! And even if I was still a young child living at home, I never would've begrudged you a second chance at happiness."

He stares at me for a long moment, then nods. "All right then."

Later, after everyone has left, I load and start the dishwasher, then gather the trash bag to put in the bin out back to wheel out to the curb for tomorrow morning's pick-up. Opening the back door, I step outside, but as I lift the lid, I hear voices coming from nearby.

"What about Bella?" a male voice asks.

"Bella is a wonderful person, and she's great with Masen. I couldn't ask for a better friend."

Edward. He must be talking to Jasper, as the first voice didn't sound like their father.

"Now you know that's not what I was asking about," Jasper drawls.

There's silence, and I carefully set the trash bag in the bin, holding my breath waiting for a response. Some part of me knows it's wrong to eavesdrop on their conversation, but I can't help myself.

"Jazz… I can't even think about another woman in that way. It feels like I'm betraying Bree."

"There's no betrayal. You took a vow until death do you part. You've lived up to your end of the bargain," Jasper says, so softly that I can barely hear. "You know that Bree would want you to be happy. She wouldn't want you to spend the rest of your life alone."

"I'm not talking about the rest of my life!" Edward says angrily. "Why are you pushing me on this?"

"I'm not pushing you. I just don't want to see you completely close your mind to the possibility of another woman someday. I know you want what's best for Masen—"

"So I should find him a mother?"

"You didn't let me finish," Jasper scolds. "I don't think you can be the best possible father to Masen if you're not taking your own needs into consideration. I saw the way you were looking at Alice and me when we were holding hands. It's all right to admit that you're starving for affection."

"It feels like a betrayal," Edward insists, and I wonder just how much he punished himself after we slept together six months ago.

"It's not."

"It is as long as I still love Bree."

"Ed," Jasper sighs, "I think a part of you will always love Bree. That can't be your guide for when you're ready to move on. Your heart can expand to love another woman the same way it expanded when Masen was born.

"Look, I don't think you need to jump back into a committed relationship. But I think… baby steps would be good for you."

"You mean start dating."

"Not tomorrow or next week, but… yeah. Go out on a few dates, see how it feels. Open yourself up to the possibility of finding love again. You've got Bree on this pedestal, and she was an amazing woman, we all miss her, but there are plenty of good women out there."

It's quiet for several moments, and my heart starts beating madly as I wait for his reply.

"Did Mom put you up to this conversation?" Edward asks.

"She… might have suggested that you'd take it better coming from me than from her, but I don't disagree with any of her worries."

"I know you're just looking out for me like a good big brother should, but… falling in love again isn't near the top of my priority list. Right now I just need to concentrate on Masen and on my career. I'm not ready for a new relationship," Edward stresses. "I don't know when I will be ready. I appreciate everyone's concern, but I'm the only one who understands how I feel. I'm the only one who will know when it feels right to start dating again. It's too soon for me right now; Bree hasn't even been dead for a year. Maybe some men are able to start dating again after just a few months, but I'm not one of them. It's not like she'd been sick for months and I'd had time to prepare for the inevitable."

"I get that," Jasper acquiesces. "I understand that you aren't ready to start looking for love, but… what if love finds you? Promise me that if you find yourself with feelings for a woman that you'll take that as a sign that you're ready."

"I… don't know if I can promise that, Jazz. I can only do what feels right to me."

I should've gone back inside several minutes ago, but now I know that I can't listen to any more. I tiptoe back toward the door, opening it then closing it as silently as I can once I'm inside. I'll have to wheel the trash bin out to the curb later.

The tears that had been pricking at my eyes are now falling in silent streams down my face. Jasper tried his best, but in the end, he couldn't convince Edward to give love a chance. In fact, it seems that he dug in his heels the more he was pressed on the subject.

Alice and Angela had my hopes up last week, but now… moving on may be my best course of action.

A/N: Yay for Charlie and Sue!

So Bella's friends think Edward isn't a lost cause and she should continue to be patient… but then she overheard an interesting conversation. Who's right — Edward or Jasper? And how many of you are going to come down on Bella for listening? Or would you have done the same?

Next update on Monday!