"I can't believe it," Billie was practically beaming from ear to ear, "I'm finally going to meet your deranged family."
"And as soon as you do, you'll be sorry you did," Methos told her.
"Oh, impossible," she replied with a shake of her head, "I've been looking forward to this for 12 years."
"Yeah well," Methos mentioned to her, "It's going to be a bit more complicated than we originally thought. It seems I'm not the only one who saw fit to get married this side of the 20th century."
This surprised Billie, and it showed by the momentary dumbstruck look on her face, before she promptly recovered and asked him, "You mean somewhere out there, there are three more women dumb enough to marry into this family?"
"And all of them Immortals," Methos added.
The tall, lanky blonde who still looked like she was in the hippie era did a double take and asked her husband, "What is this, some kind of convention?"
"Luck of the draw," Methos offered simply, "Apparently this century, Immortal wives are in."
"Now I really can't wait to meet the rest of this family," Billie said with a sly grin on her face.
"I certainly could," Methos responded.
"So when are we going to?" Billie asked him, "When? When?"
Methos sharply inhaled and answered, "Tomorrow."
If there was even a word for the sound Billie made upon hearing this, it even escaped Methos, it was just clear that she was enjoying this, him not so much because he knew what they were likely to be getting into, and she did not. He'd done well to try and keep his wife in the dark all these years about most of his exploits with his brothers thousands of years ago, as well as their basic personalities. Logically he knew after everything they'd been through, Billie would be able to handle it, but he still saw best to avoid coming to that as long as possible, and now everything was about to come crashing down and his wife was going to get a crash course in discovering exactly what kind of cloth he'd been cut from. He had no doubt she could withstand it, but he also knew once it was all over, he was never going to hear the end of it.
On the other hand, he had to admit he himself was just as curious to find out who and what his brothers had married, and knowing that two of the marriages had already survived 14 and 33 years, he found himself becoming increasingly morbidly curious to find out about the people who had entered this family line.
That night, Kronos lay on his side of the bed, trying to get to sleep but quickly found that to be an exercise in futility since the other side of the bed wouldn't stop vibrating.
"Roberta, quit moving around and go to sleep," he told her.
"I can't help it," his wife responded as she looked up to the ceiling, "Tomorrow I'm finally going to see what the rest of this family is like, I can't wait!"
"Well I can," Kronos replied.
"That's easy for you to say," she turned on her side to look at him, "You already know them, this is all new territory for me."
"Believe me," Kronos told her dryly, "The newness wears off quickly."
"As much as all you've done in the 30 years we've been married is recount your glory days with those 3 Stooges?" Roberta shook her head, "I don't believe it."
"You will," he responded. He turned his head to look at the clock on the nightstand: 1:30 in the morning, he rolled his eyes, then turned his head to look towards his wife and told her, "Roberta, it's late, I'm tired, go to sleep."
"Fine," she remarked in a tone that refused to admit defeat.
Almost by a force of reflex, the two Immortals turned towards one another and sat up enough to kiss goodnight, then resumed their previous positions on their separate sides of the bed.
"Kronos," Roberta's voice carried over towards his ear.
"What?" he asked in a tired, borderline fed-up tone.
"Have you seen any of your brother's wives?" she asked inquisitively.
He looked over towards her in the dark and answered, "No."
"I wonder what they're like?" she asked.
"Downright moronic," was Kronos' guess.
She looked at him coyly and asked, "Because they married your brothers?"
He grunted something she couldn't understand and then he added coherently, "I'm surprised that Methos finally got around to marrying one of his own kind, it's taken 5,000 years but I think he's finally learning."
"Why do you hate mortals so much?" Roberta asked him as she rolled over on her stomach, reached over and poked him in his.
There was a small pause before Kronos answered bluntly, "Because they're idiots and I have absolutely no use for them."
"You don't have any use for Immortals either unless they're in your precious family," Roberta pointed out.
"Precisely," Kronos told her, "So what?"
She pushed up on her elbows and asked him, "So what if I hadn't been Immortal?"
There was a brief silence in the room between her question and his point blank answer of, "You are."
"But what if I wasn't?" she asked him.
"There's no point in answering because you are," he said.
"What if I hadn't been?" Roberta asked, and probed further, "Was that the only reason you were ever interested in me?"
Even in the pitch dark he could feel her eyes glaring at him, waiting for his answer.
Finally he answered, "It was the first thing I noticed about you."
Some small sound formed in Roberta's throat, and she said in a half accusing, half dismissive tone, "Then that's it, that's all it ever was, wasn't it?"
"Don't be so dramatic," he told her, "I knew what you were long before you ever laid eyes on me, and even when you did you didn't like me."
"I'm still not sure I do," she replied.
"Oh, funny," he dryly responded.
"I mean it," Roberta told him in a mocking tone, "Once I really start to think about it, the disadvantages far outweigh the benefits: you're loud, obnoxious, overbearing, you can't ever" suddenly she lunged over and shoved him with enough momentum to knock him clear off the bed and onto the floor, "Shut up about the old days."
Slowly, Kronos reached up and pressed one hand on the bed, then the other, then slowly drew himself up so that his face was only visible from the eyes up and he told her warningly, "I'll get you for that, Roberta."
"Oh, I'll make it easier for you," she replied smugly as she laid down flat on the bed and told him, "This is usually the finishing line anyway for our little…debates."
"Not tonight," he told her as he pulled himself up and reclaimed his side of the bed, "I'm not in the mood."
"I've heard that before," Roberta said coyly.
"I mean it," he said with somewhat more emphasis, "I'm tired, go-to-bed."
Roberta snorted and told him, "I'm in bed, it's sleeping that's the problem."
Kronos pushed himself up on one arm and told her, "Roberta, either you go to sleep or I'm putting you to sleep for a week."
"Promises, promises," she clicked her tongue as she settled against the pillows again.
The next morning was gray and dark, the air was heavy and practically promised a storm at any moment. Perfect atmosphere for the meeting that was about to take place.
Torchy looked out the window on her side of the car and saw they were climbing higher and higher up the mountain road now at a steadily increasing pace. She saw the scenery down below and swallowed heavily as she turned away from the window, and to make sure she didn't have to be any further reminded of how high up they were, half turned in her seat and pressed her back against the window, folded her arms against her chest and said to Caspian, "Remind me again why we have to drive so far out of the city limits for this meeting?"
Without so much as a glance towards her, Caspian answered, "Because that is precisely how he requested we meet, miles from any other human life."
"What's the matter with him, is he paranoid or something?" Torchy asked.
A small sound of amusement caught in his throat and he told her, "I've always thought so, anyway."
"I suppose he'd have reason to be," Torchy said as she adjusted in her seat and told him, "Wake me when we get there."
"Very funny," Caspian remarked.
"Come on," she told him, "You know I don't like heights."
"And I already explained to you it can't kill you, not permanently anyway," he pointed out.
"I don't care," Torchy replied, "I still don't like them…I can understand going out to the middle of nowhere for this reunion but why the hell did you have to pick it up a damn mountain?"
Looking ahead with a slight but nevertheless unnerving smile on his face, Caspian told her, "I know these roads like the back of my hand, so will they."
"I sure as hell hope so," Torchy said as she leaned back in her seat, "I'd sure hate to think we come all the way up here for nothing."
Not wanting to see the road beneath them, Torchy looked out the windshield towards the sky and it seemed to her the clouds were getting darker, she couldn't help wondering if that was supposed to be some kind of omen.
They drove in silence for another mile or so, and suddenly the inside of Torchy's skull started throbbing on one side and she leaned forward as she looked out the windshield to see if the other Immortals were already waiting for them. As it turned out, three other black cars were all pulling up within close proximity to one another just a few yards ahead.
"What timing," Torchy observed.
"I told you they'd know the way here," Caspian said as he pulled the car up near the others and hit the brake.
"It looks like a funeral procession," Torchy noted as she realized all four cars were black, all different makes and models a few years apart from one another, but all looking very much the part for funeral cars.
"Fitting," he remarked.
"By any chance is this a hangout of you guys' or something?" Torchy asked as she reached for the door handle.
"Or something," he answered.
Eight car doors opened and eight people got out, and walked around the cars, and met in the center between the four cars, and each looked around at the others and took in unusual and intriguing sights:
A tall, thin, pale man with short dark hair dressed in a T-shirt and blue jeans, wearing a dark gray trench coat that hung open, and standing beside him, an equally tall and thin woman with long blonde hair pulled back as women wore it years ago, and to match it she wore a blue floral tie shirt and a pair of denim bell bottoms.
A huskier built man, a couple inches shorter than the first, with short spiked hair, a long scar going down one side of his face, dressed all in black, alongside him a woman a few inches shorter, of a slighter build than he, with short reddish brown hair, dressed in black jeans and a ratty black and white striped tank top that had clearly seen better days.
A tall and large man with very short blonde hair, wearing a black coat over a dark shirt and black pants, standing next to him a frighteningly equally sized woman with slightly longer blonde hair pulled back in a short ponytail, wearing a blue short sleeved dress that looked like something from 60 years ago, and to further drive home that idea she also wore black tights and very old fashioned looking white button up shoes.
A man between the height and build of the first two with a fu Manchu mustache and a bear that matched, long black hair tied back in a ponytail with the sides of his head shaved and a black tattoo of a dragon on the right side of his head, and like the second man he too was dressed all in black. And standing next to him was a woman almost as tall but far scrawnier than he, with short spiked black hair and dressed in a black jacket with the sleeves rolled up, black pants, black suspenders, a white sleeveless dress shirt, and a pair of black motorcycle boots on her feet.
For a moment they all stood where they were apart from the others, just as separately as the four directions on a compass, looking to one another, and nobody spoke.
"Well," it was Methos who finally broke the silence and observed, "This should be interesting."
Roberta looked around at the others and finally commented, "So these are the 3 Stooges I've been hearing about on a daily basis for over 30 years. Not exactly the rogue's gallery I had pictured, but I'm sure it'll do." She turned to Kronos and elbowed him and said, "Well?"
"Well what?" he returned.
"I think an introduction's in order," she pointed out.
"What for?" he asked, "I already know my brothers."
Roberta elbowed him again, harder this time, and lower.
"So that's my new sister-in-law," Billie said to Methos as she folded her arms, "Nice."
"Well is anybody going to say anything worth the trip up here?" Maude asked, "Or are we just going to stare at each other all day?"
"Well?" Billie asked her husband.
"Alright, alright," Methos said, and pointed to them one by one as he explained, "This is my brother, Kronos, and his wife Roberta."
Billie nudged him and asked him, "Is he the one that's like Uncle Ernie, or Mr. Magoo?"
That garnered a very confused look from Kronos and a large round of guffaws from several of the others. Methos chose to ignore that comment and continued, "This is my brother, Silas, and his wife…"
"Maude," she answered, "Maude Tompkins."
"And this," Methos concluded the introductions, "Is my brother, Caspian, and his wife…"
"Torchy Albright," she answered for him with a large air of assertiveness around her, "Former Deputy District Attorney of the county…so you're the son of a bitch that got us married," she took two large striding steps over to Methos and grabbed him by the throat, and instead of the regular choice of throttling by shaking him back and forth, Torchy instead opted for throttling his neck from side to side as she told him, "I have half a mind to choke you unconscious for that!" but instead she delivered one swift, strong punch to the throat and sent him reeling back.
Methos hit the ground and a loud choking cough escaped him. Standing over him, Kronos was laughing as he looked down at Methos and told him, "Congratulations, brother, you always did know how to find the feisty ones."
"Thanks," Methos painfully responded as he slowly got up, "They can put it on my tombstone."
"I like her," Roberta commented with a sly smirk on her face.
Kronos grabbed Methos' arm and helped him to his feet. Methos rubbed his throat and said simply, "It's going to be a long day."
After a couple hours up in the mountains getting acquainted with one another and getting an earful of everybody's lives and exactly what the hell each other had been up to in the last century, the sky finally opened and poured down on them, and it was decided if they were going to continue the conversation, to take it back down the road and back to somebody's house where they had a place to dry out, sit down, and drink heavily. It was to each other's surprise to find that the others all lived within relatively close proximity of one another, only about 20 miles and a handful of twists and turns through back roads and shortcuts from one house to another to the next to the other. Finally it was decided that everybody would follow Kronos and Roberta back to their home, where Roberta assured them there was room enough for everyone, especially since after a few more truths came out, some people might need a sudden distance between themselves and their spouses, or their in-laws.
Everybody piled into their cars and one by one they backed up, turned around and started back down the mountain road and headed back into town.
Billie looked behind them and commented, "Huh, she was right."
"Who?" Methos asked as he watched the road, "What?"
"That lawyer chick," she said as she looked at the cars behind them, "It does look like we're going to a funeral."
"Rather fitting," Methos cynically remarked.
Billie turned forward in her seat and looked at her husband and said to him, "I don't know what you're going on about, everything's gone fine so far."
"So far," Methos repeated, "Give it time, once the newness wears off it's a whole other story, believe me I know."
Billie chuckled under her breath and asked him, "Exactly what is it you're so worried about?"
"Believe me," Methos said, "After you spend a couple thousand years with them, you get so you can tell when the other shoe's about to drop."
"It can't be that bad," Billie said.
He glanced over at her and replied, "That's right, I never went into the full details of what they're like."
"Still, that was thousands of years ago," Billie said, "You don't mean to say so little has changed since then?"
He snorted and told her, "You show a stunning lack of imagination."
She looked at him and shrugged, "Okay, so what's the worst that could happen?"
"I refer you to my previous statement," Methos told her.
"Well you don't mean you think they'd actually try and kill you," Billie said.
"Silas and Caspian, no, Kronos on the other hand has the memory of an elephant and he's twice as stubborn as a jackass."
"So?" Billie asked, "If he tries killing you, he's going to have to deal with me."
That got a laugh out of Methos and he told her, "That's a laugh, he'd grab your legs and use you as a wishbone."
"Yeah well you know what?" Billie glanced back again and told him, "I don't think I'd have a whole lot of trouble recruiting my new sisters-in-law if push came down to shove."
A small sound of amusement formed in Methos' throat as he told his wife, "Have to admit, it looks like they all picked some real winners this time."
"This time?" Billie parroted, "You mean they've been married before?"
"We're 5,000 years old, Billie, you knew that was bound to happen," Methos said.
"Well who, wha…what were they married to before?" she asked.
"Oh they always managed to snag some colorful characters, but…" Methos shook his head, "Nothing quite like what I saw this morning."
"And just wait till the newness wears off," she mocked him.