Author Note: Thank you for the great response to this story so far! Happy Boxing Day! If you're from one of the countries smart enough to make the day after Christmas into a holiday, that is.
Thanks again to moosals for pre-reading. Stephenie Meyer owns all characters.
Chapter 31 – Ball of Confusion
I quickly scramble off of Edward's lap, getting to my feet. Almost immediately he brings his hands up over his face.
"Why didn't you stop us?" he cries. Before I can answer, he shakes his head. "I'm sorry. I don't mean to blame you." He peeks up at me through his fingers.
I decide to answer him anyway. "I thought you were in control of what you were doing and you'd stop if it got to be too much. And… to be honest… I didn't want to stop."
Edward kicks his shoes off and brings his feet up onto the couch, burying his head on his bent knees.
"You didn't do anything wrong, Edward."
He remains silent for several long moments. "I know," he whispers, and I let out the breath I'd been holding.
"Do you need me to leave?" I ask, because I feel like I should ask, even if I don't want to leave him alone.
He shakes his head, but doesn't speak.
"I don't know how to deal with it," he finally says, his voice cracking. I think he might be crying. "M-maybe it's just that I haven't been with a woman in so long, but… the alternative… I didn't stop because I want you so much and…"
"And what?" I ask when he doesn't continue. I'm not sure I follow what he's saying.
"I've never felt this before," he cries. "The way I want you. I don't know what to do with that!"
I stand there stunned as I try to put the pieces together. Is he trying to say that he wants me physically… more than he did his beloved wife? Or is he just horny just because he hasn't had sex in over eight months? Somehow I think he wants it to be the latter.
"I need to think," he rasps, the palm of his hands pressed against his temples.
"I'll leave you alone on one condition." I wait until he looks up at me before continuing. "Promise me that you're not going to pull away from me. I'm working at the bakery until seven tomorrow, but you and Masen can come over after that. I can pick up pizza on the way home."
"All right," he agrees.
"I'll see you tomorrow then."
Once I'm outside in the cool night air, I take a deep breath. This was not at all how I wanted this evening to end, but maybe it's not such a bad thing if it forces Edward to confront his feelings.
After not sleeping well last night, I'm exhausted by the time I get off work. The bakery has a booth at the Fourth of July Fair on Tuesday at Tillicum Park, so we've been busily baking up dozens of cookies and other items to sell at the fair. Tomorrow morning, I need to bake three different pies to enter in the pie contest, and then it's back to the bakery to help make ice cream.
I call in our pizza order about 10 minutes before I leave work. As I pick it up, I text Edward to let him know I'll be home in about five minutes. Since my truck got its tune-up, I can't count on him hearing me coming.
After pulling into my driveway, I try to juggle everything as I make my way to the door. Luckily, Edward comes rushing out to help, grabbing the box from my hands so that I can unlock the door. "Ben!" Masen smiles, looking up at me and making me laugh.
"We're gonna eat first, bud," Edward warns as his son immediately runs off in search of my kitten. He sets the box on the table and I start getting drinks out of the fridge. "I brought a sippy cup with juice for Masen," he says, pulling it from the diaper bag.
I grab bowls to split up the Caesar salad, adding a little bit to a plate for Masen, who's up on his knees on one of my chairs. Sandy appears at my feet, meowing plaintively, so I quickly fix up a bowl for her before sitting down to eat.
"How was work?" Edward asks. "I would've come by except that it was raining earlier. We didn't end up going to the park."
"I was really busy with the fair coming up in two days. You and Masen are going, right? I'll be working our booth, but you can cheer me on in the pie contest. And I'm sure they'll have activities for children."
He laughs. "I remember you telling me that your apple pie has won four years in a row."
"That's right," I reply proudly, impressed that he'd remember. "I'm also entering a blackberry and a pecan pie this year. Oh, and my dad should be there… I don't know if you're ready to meet him, but… you can see him at least."
He gives me a small smile, nodding.
Once we've cleaned up all of the pizza, I decide to just leave the dishes for now, and we head into the living room. Sandy is lying on the floor, so Masen picks up one of her toys to start playing with her.
"How are you doing?" I ask quietly, sitting on the couch beside Edward. "I mean, you seem OK."
He shrugs. "I really need to talk to my therapist, but my appointment isn't until Wednesday."
"Can you talk with me?"
"I can try, but… it doesn't even make sense in my own head." I smile sympathetically.
"Sorry in advance if any of this is tough for you to hear." He swallows thickly. "You know that I love Bree… more than I ever thought possible. She made me who I am today. She's the one who encouraged me to be true to myself."
"By forgoing med school to become a writer," I clarify.
"Yeah," he smiles. "We were friends first before it grew into more. I'm thankful that our relationship had that strong foundation. We were together because we really clicked; it wasn't just lust. Don't get me wrong — our sex life was fine. Great, even. I'd never had any other serious relationships to compare it to, but I had no complaints, and… I don't think she did either."
"It sounds perfect," I reply quietly, wondering once again how I could ever live up to Bree in Edward's mind.
"It was perfect. I fully expected that we'd one day celebrate our 60th or even 70th anniversary. I was looking forward to growing old together," he says wistfully.
"I have to admit, I'm not quite sure how this relates to what happened last night… or what you said afterward."
"That's why it makes no sense!" he exclaims.
"Why what makes no sense?"
"Why I can't keep my hands off of you! Ever since we started dating, that night we spent together flashes through my mind. I remember it and I want it again, even if I feel like it's too soon. It's getting more and more difficult to stop with you. I've been relying on you to be the sane one, even though I know that's not fair to you.
"I don't think our relationship is just lust, because we were friends first too, just like Bree and me. But the thing is… I don't ever remember having this physical pull toward her. We were never about that. I didn't feel this yearning. Maybe it's just because I'm dying for any touch, but I really don't think that's it. It's not that I haven't had offers when I've been out around town, because I have, and… I wasn't even the slightest bit tempted. You're the only one I want right now."
"I'm not sure what to say, Edward," I reply carefully. "I don't think that anything you feel for me should diminish the relationship you had with Bree. They're two different things."
"They are," he agrees, "but… I don't know how to handle these feelings. My body is so ready to move forward with our relationship, but my heart and my head aren't there yet. It's so confusing to me to feel this ache for you when I didn't feel it for the woman I loved more than my own life. What does that say?" he asks, throwing his hands up helplessly.
I assume that's a rhetorical question, but I feel like he deserves an answer. "I really don't know. Hopefully your therapist will have some ideas." It's definitely… flattering to be the object of his desire, but I want to one day have his heart, too.
"Yeah… in the meantime, maybe we shouldn't be alone together until all of me is ready to move things forward physically."
"No, I can be the sane one for you. Last night I let desire overrule my brain, but I won't make that mistake again," I promise.
"You know, I… sort of left you hanging last night. That wasn't very gentlemanly of me."
"That's why we have vibrators." Edward's eyes widen and I burst out laughing. "I'm kidding! Seeing your pain last night kind of killed the mood."
"I will make it up to you one day."
"I'll hold you to that," I smile.
Tuesday morning, I'm up early to bring my three pies to Tillicum Park to be entered in the pie contest. I drop them off, then head over to the bakery's booth to help set up.
"How many pies are you entering?" my boss, Eric, asks.
"Three," I answer. "Are you judging this year?"
"Yeah, but I'm not sure which category." The fair committee tries to bring in different judges each year for fairness, though as an accredited pastry chef, Eric is almost always selected.
The fair opens as 11am. Because we sell desserts, business is expected to be light for the first couple of hours, leaving me time to walk around and check out the rest of the booths.
I spot Edward and Masen in line for burgers shortly before noon. "Hey, guys," I call, running up to them.
"Ben!" Masen holds his hands up, so I reach down and pick him up.
"I really think that's your new name now," Edward laughs. "I was gonna look for you after we ate."
"We're over there," I point out our booth. "I'm just looking around until we start to get busy. Once everyone's had their meal, they'll be looking for something sweet."
"Do you want a burger?" He's next up to order.
"Sure," I smile. "Can you carry everything if Masen and I go grab a table?"
At his agreement, I seek out a picnic table with room for three, sitting down with Masen on my lap.
"Are you having fun, Masen?"
"Yeah!" he yells. "Kitty?"
"The kitty's at home, probably sleeping. She sleeps a lot."
"Seep?"
"Like you do every night in your crib," I smile.
When Edward shows up with our food, I help him unload the bag. "I got Masen one chicken finger and figured he could share our fries."
"Works for me," I shrug, taking one of the sodas out of the cardboard tray.
"I like your outfit," Edward smiles.
"Yeah? I got this shirt a couple years ago at a store in Seattle." It's gray with screen-printed red, white and blue stripes to resemble a flag.
"I figured a red t-shirt was good enough," he laughs.
We've nearly finished eating when my dad wanders over. "Hey, Bells, I thought that was you. Who's your friend?"
Shit. I wonder about how to introduce Edward. If I introduce him as my neighbor, I'm minimizing who he is, as if I don't want to my dad to know we're dating. But if I call him my boyfriend, that may be way too forward for Edward right now.
I clear my throat. "Dad, this is Edward Cullen and his son, Masen. Edward, this is my father, Chief Charles Swan of the Forks police department."
"It's nice to meet you, Chief Swan," Edward greets him politely.
"You too, son," he says, shaking Edward's hand. "How old is the boy?"
"Eighteen months," he answers.
"Masen, can you say hi to the Chief?" I prompt him.
"Hi, Teef!" Laughing, I hug him to me, realizing that Masen's spot on my lap might imply that we're more than just friends.
"How's it going, Dad?"
"We need one more judge for the pie contest. I'm trying to find a good candidate."
"Maybe Edward can judge?" I suggest. "He's new to Forks, so he hasn't tasted any of the pies before."
"Except for your apple," Edward reminds me.
"So you can judge a different category," I shrug.
"You up for it?" Dad asks.
"Well, it's a good thing I only got the one order of fries to share, but sure," he laughs.
"Judging is in about two hours, so you should be ready by then," Dad replies with a wink. "Head over to that booth around 2:20." He points out where the contest will be held.
"Got it," he nods.
"I need to get back to work," I announce once Dad has walked away.
"All right. We're gonna check out the kids' area. Good luck in the contest." He kisses me briefly, then walks away with Masen.
For the next two hours, I sell cookies and scoop ice cream. The fair brings in people from all over Clallam County; it's usually one of our bigger sales days of the year.
I'm in the back getting more stock out of a box when Eric comes up to me. "Don't look now," he stage whispers, "but there's a gorgeous hunka-hunka looking for you."
Laughing, I grab the new box of cookies, then walk up to the cash register.
"Hey," Edward smiles. Masen is standing beside him, looking around. "Do you think you can watch Masen while I judge?"
"Sure," I nod. "How many cookies can I give him?"
"More than two and you're watching him tonight," he grins, handing me Masen's diaper bag. "Masen, go over with Bella." I laugh when he crawls underneath the table we have set up, then bend down and lift him into my arms.
"You are getting heavy," I complain once Edward has walked away.
"Something you need to be telling me?" Eric says, raising an eyebrow.
"That's Edward, my next door neighbor."
"You two seem a little chummy for neighbors."
I roll my eyes. "We've been dating for a few weeks. This is his son, Masen."
"Please to meet you, Masen. I'm Eric." Masen just stares at him with big eyes. Eric must be a sight to a little boy with his rainbow-dyed hair and multiple piercings.
We have a small plastic chair, so I set Masen on that, then grab one of the chocolate chip cookies to keep him occupied.
"I made that myself," I tell him, as if he cares.
"Where's his mama?" Eric asks.
"She died about a year ago, before Edward moved to Forks."
"Oh," he frowns. "So sad."
"Yeah… Saturday is the anniversary. I'm honestly dreading it."
After about a half hour, I hear my dad broadcast over the loudspeaker that the judges' votes from the pie contest have been counted and the winners will be announced in five minutes.
"Get on over there," Eric encourages.
"Come on, Masen! Let's go find Daddy." Taking his hand, we walk over toward the judging area, awaiting the results.
"Da!" Masen yells, running away from me once he's spotted his father, who picks him up and walks toward me.
"Good luck," Edward whispers in my ear.
Cherry pie is announced first, followed by berry — I don't place — and other fruits. I'm shocked when my chocolate chunk pecan pie takes the nut category. Edward has to push me on stage to accept my ribbon.
After the "all other" category, they announce the apple winner. That's always the most popular category, given how synonymous Washington State is with apples. When my pie wins for the fifth time in a row, I nearly cry as I accept my ribbon. It's so good to see my hard work come to fruition.
"Congratulations," Edward says, hugging me briefly after I walk off the stage. Little Masen doesn't know what's going on, but he jumps up and down anyway.
"Two wins this year!" I laugh. "Which category did you judge?"
"Cherry and nut," he answers.
"Oh! You did mine."
"Yeah," he nods. "I told them my girlfriend had entered a pecan pie, but since I'd never had your pie before and there were five other pecan entrants, your dad said it was fine. I have no idea if I picked yours," he chuckles.
I barely heard a word he said after he called me his girlfriend. Here I'd been worried about introducing him to my dad as my boyfriend and he just casually uses the term!
"Bella?"
"Y-you called me your girlfriend."
Edward's eyes widen. "I guess I did, huh? Is that OK with you?"
"More than OK," I assure him, planting a kiss on his gorgeous lips.
A/N: So a couple big revelations there from Edward! He casually referred to Bella as his girlfriend, but the bigger admission was that he wants Bella more than his wife. Oh dear! Good thing he's seeing his therapist soon.
Congrats to Bella on winning the pie contest in two categories! I rarely make pies except for a chocolate cream pie recipe I got in eighth grade Home Ec. I've never made a crust from scratch though.
Next update on Friday! Finally the anniversary of Bree's death!