Chapter 20: "Alone"
"I see a red door and I want it painted black...
No colors anymore, I want them to turn black...
I see the girls walk by dressed in their summer clothes,
I have to turn my head until my darkness goes...
I see a line of cars and they're all painted black,
With flowers and my love, both never to come back...
I see people turn their heads and quickly look away...
Like a newborn baby, it just happens every day.
I look inside myself and see my heart is black...
I see my red door, I must have it painted black...
Maybe then I'll fade away and not have to face the facts...
It's not easy facing up when your whole world is black...
No more will my green sea turn to a deeper blue...
I could not foresee this thing happening to you...
If I look hard enough into the setting sun,
My love will laugh with me before the morning comes...
I see a red door and I want it painted black...
No colors anymore...
I want them to turn black... "
~ Hidden Citizens - Paint It Black (The Rolling Stones Cover)
None of us had expected any of this. None of us knew this would happen. Most of us thought we were days or hours from encountering our deaths. We thought this was going to be just yet another game. Just yet another year when 23 innocent kids were going to stop breathing, to put it nicely. And I was sure I would be one of them.
None of us saw that coming. Makes me wonder... if we had known, would it have changed anything? Would it have affected the training? The relations between all of us for those two weeks we had spent in each other's company, already seeing death creeping onto people's faces. The smell of it everywhere around.
It makes me wonder... would have anything gone differently in the arena if we had known from the start how different our Games were going to be?
Not that it matters now. Now it's too late. Now they're all gone. It's just me now, still breathing. Still alive. Just me.
I wish I'd died with them.
No.
My eyes were open. I was breathing. My chest was moving. Slowly. Up. Down. Then again.
No.
Up. Down. Up. Down.
"No, no, no-"
I blinked away some upcoming tears and swallowed that thick lump in the back of my throat, hoping that this was just a dream. That the blackness I remembered fading into was about to swallow me once more. That I would never have to face another day. I couldn't do this. I couldn't-
Up. Down. Up. Down.
This was really happening. I was awake. I was breathing.
I was alive.
Going into the Games, I would have never thought that I would not want to make it out of the arena. Who didn't want to survive the Games? Every kid that had ever been reaped or volunteered must have prayed that they'd get the chance to go back home. Each and every one of them had surely wanted to see their loved ones again. Even all the Careers. They too might have had people they wanted to see again. How in the world was I so disappointed to have woken up?
Everything around me was white and bright. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw an IV bag with clear liquid inside and it hit me where I was and what exactly was going on. Out of the blue, pain filled my body and I screamed. But it was not a cry of pain. I shouted because I wanted to die.
I heard some fussing and yells in the background. Through my tears I was able to see people everywhere around, trying to keep me still. I wouldn't give in. I was mental. I was done.
"Get off of me!" I shouted at them, tugging at every single cannula I could reach and tearing them from my skin, blood beginning to drip down my arms. But I didn't care. I couldn't care any less. "Get away from me!"
"Get me sedatives!"
"Don't you touch me!" I yelled even louder, watching all those terrified faces above me with hatred in my eyes. "Let me die! I wanna die, I wanna die, I want-"
"Calm down!" someone shouted back. "Everything is alright, you're okay!"
"Get OFF!"
"Where are those sedatives!?"
I screamed and I screamed. And then I screamed some more. But no one was listening. No one wanted to end my pain. Nobody helped.
I begged them to kill me. I begged.
No one was listening.
I rested my chin on top of my knees as I waited, curled up like a broken doll, on my hospital bed. Waited to be taken for preparation. To have my body washed from all of my scars that the Games had left me with. But I couldn't care less about them. I didn't care about anything. I just wanted for this nightmare to finally end. I wanted to get away from this place. To be as far away as possible from the Capitol and all those people who thought I was ungrateful for not appreciating that I was the lone survivor. They wouldn't even call me a victor. I was a survivor. But in my head, I might have as well just died.
I was dead inside anyway. It didn't matter to me that my body was still somehow functioning. I should have died. I wished I'd died.
They came soon after this thought had crossed my mind once again. I hadn't spoken to them since I woke up the second time around. I hadn't said a word. I had nothing to say. Now that my wounds had healed, I was ready to be polished and made up for the ceremony that was supposed to take place in a couple of hours. For the coronation and the highlights of the Games that I was unfortunate to have won.
Won? What had I won? Misery. Depression. Suicidal thoughts. I was full of hate towards everyone and myself the most. I didn't want to be here. I didn't deserve this.
"Let's walk," the Peacekeeper that my stylist must have sent barked at me. I hadn't even noticed him coming in. I didn't look up. I stared at the wall in front of me in silence, finding it just slightly amusing that everyone was so afraid of me (and whether I'd freak out again) that they had been sending Peacekeepers to escort me when needed. He surprisingly gave me a minute to get up. I had expected him to force me to move. But then again - I didn't think he wanted unnecessary drama so he let me have my way and take my time.
For the next few hours, I tried my best to keep my mind occupied with anything but the Games and the fact that I was about to be presented to the audience like some sort of a circus trick to be praised and laughed at. But that turned out to be an even more difficult task than I had predicted. I couldn't shut them out. My allies. All of their faces were stuck in my head and it seemed like there was nothing I could do to get rid of them.
"Turn around," a cold voice rang in my ears and I did as I was told, automatically. Almost as if someone was steering my movements with a remote control. I felt people touching me, putting clothing on my broken body and tons of make-up on my pale, tired face to mask any and every imperfection they could find. And there were many. I looked up in the mirror at one point and my heart stopped beating for a few seconds.
There I was. My eyes so blank like I wasn't even there. I swallowed hard and looked away. I didn't know who that person was.
"Step down,"
I did.
"Let's go,"
I followed. No questions asked. No reaction. My face remained expressionless the entire time. I did what I was told. Nothing more. Nothing less. The next thing I heard was the cheering coming from the audience and Ceasar Flickermann's excited voice, announcing what was about to go down.
"My, my! Isn't this just thrilling!?"
Fuck you, Ceasar.
"Let me hear it!" he continued his insufferable egging on, making me want to run up to him and somehow make him stop. I closed my eyes. My hands clenched themselves into shaking fists, the furious beating of my drenched heart filling my ears. "Let's bring out this year's victor! Ladies and gentlemen-"
I don't want to be here, I don't want to be here, I don't-
"-CLOVE RAVEN!"
I was brought to another room that looked like it could use something, anything authentic. Everything was rough; from the depressing, metal walls to the hard, cold floor and a very uncomfortable-looking bathtub. So this was where they would once more clean me from my imperfections. Remove my scars. Erase the last bits of proof of what had actually happened to me.
"Wait here," the Peacekeeper that had escorted me here from the hospital snapped, as if I had done something to anger him. I didn't even bother nodding. I just stood there as he left and I heard him lock the door. I stared at the bathtub, short and shallow breaths coming out of my mouth. I crossed my arms over my chest and felt a shiver crawl down my spine so unpleasantly. I glanced down to my chest and dragged my eyes across to my arms and all of the minor scratches and cuts that littered my skin.
I remembered running from the fire that had claimed the life of that little kid from 4. I remembered running back to him to help him. And for what? To have to watch him die mere minutes later. I remembered my furious run back to the city to find Cato. The way I cut myself making my way through all the woods. I hadn't paid that any mind. I just wanted to reach him. To get to him. To see him one more time.
My fingers ran up my goosebump-covered arm and made it close to my left shoulder where Glimmer's dagger had cut it open.
'You think he'll cry when he sees your face in the sky tonight?'
Marvel's hateful voice filled my head as I remembered his exact words. How full of joy his eyes were, seeing me so vulnerable and at his mercy. How much he enjoyed thinking that he would get to kill me and somehow wound Cato by that very act. Funny. He had been so sure it would hurt Cato real badly if he harmed me. Me? Not so much. I remembered doubting he would care and hoping he would at the same time. I had been so clueless. So unbelievably cold on the inside.
My fingers slid up my shoulder and reached my collarbone, then moved to the back where deep, still very pink wounds were from the claws the mutt had pierced right through me on both sides.
'No!'
I heard my own pitiful, hopeless cry echo in my ears, making me squeeze my eyes shut and wince at the memory.
'Thresh!'
Rue's voice followed and I felt a sob trying to make it out of my mouth, but I choked it down. I would not cry.
'Don't you dare die on me!'
But he did. He died. I watched his moving chest come to a stop. I could still feel his blood, draining from his body, on my shaking hands. How I had failed him. All of them.
'Please, Thresh...'
He was so good. So amazingly kind and loyal. Caring and trustworthy. I knew from the moment he died that I would never be able to forget him, even if I tried. He had changed so much in me. He'd shown me what having a friend was about. He was dead because of how pure and dedicated his heart was. And I missed him. I missed all of them. It might have seemed as though we'd only spent a couple of days together, but in that arena time worked differently. It felt like weeks. Weeks during which I had found my true self within me and was given the chance to be re-born into someone I would have been from the start had I been allowed. During that time, I felt more free and more careless than I ever remembered feeling in my entire life. I learned what it was like to ba cared for. To care for someone back.
I missed Katniss and her fierceness. Her somewhat amusing naive attitude, how logical she was and determined to stay true to herself. Before the Games, I would have never thought that I'd ever find myself admiring such qualities.
I missed Rue and how completely pure and innocent she was. The way she cared for my well being. The way her eyes went from filled with fear at my sight to happiness at finding me well and alive.
And I missed Cato... I missed him like I'd never missed anyone in my whole life. I didn't know I was even capable of that. Missing someone. But I did. I missed every minute we had spent together and I resented myself for taking each one of those moments for granted. Even in the arena. I should have acted differently. I should have told him how those Games had changed me. How I had finally allowed myself to admit to my feelings for him. That I had any feelings, to begin with. How could that be, right?
'Oh my God, I'm dead,' 'Not yet, you're not,'
His words vibrated in my ears as if he just whispered them to me. I remembered how I felt in that moment - when he came back to save me from the wolf mutt with Marvel's eyes, right after Thresh was killed. I remembered how I thought it was Thresh at first. Because who else? Back then I thought Cato had died days before. I remembered how absolutely shocked and ... happy I was to have found he had survived. That he was still with me. He was still alive. I couldn't believe it at first.
How could I now?
I hugged my arms to my chest and squeezed my eyes shut. He was dead this time. He was gone. There was nothing I could do to change that. Cato was gone.
They all were.
The lights blinded me as I walked onto the stage, feeling like a clown whose only purpose was to entertain and make people laugh. When I looked at the audience, I realized that I had surely done my job right because all those parrot-like looking people were clapping and whistling and simply going crazy for this year's Victor.
Oh, right.
It was me that they were so psyched about. They were all so excited for me. I would have never thought that coming back on this stage would be such a joke to me. I'd always imagined I'd be thrilled. That I'd laugh with them. Funny. Now that I had achieved my goal, I didn't feel like laughing at all. I wanted to scream. To throw things at them. I wanted to see them bleed for a change. To stand above their dying bodies and laugh at that.
How funny would that be?
"Welcome back, my dear Clove!" Ceasar Flickerman drawled, grasping my hand without permission and I scowled at him, the disgust so apparent in my eyes I almost thought he'd cut the show immediately. "Let's have a seat!"
I didn't want to. I didn't want to speak with him. I wanted this to be over. I just wanted to go home...
'It's not home, Clove,' Cato's voice filled my ears. 'It's not home if you're not there...'
Ceasar was saying something to me, but I couldn't hear anything. All I could focus on were the words Cato had said to me what seemed like hours ago. He was right. It wasn't home. District 2 was not my home. Not anymore. Not without him.
Where was I gonna go then?
I stared at the blue-haired excuse for a human being in front of me as he tried to get me to answer whatever questions he'd just asked me. His lips continued to move, but my ears were ringing. I couldn't hear a word. I glanced at the audience and realized that they had wiped those silly smirks off of their faces. They were now looking at me like I was insane. No longer was I their favorite circus act. No. Now I was just plain mad.
"-all right?... Clove?... -need a medic?..."
I heard some faint words in the back of my head and looked at Ceasar again who by then, shockingly, seemed concerned. I let out a heavy breath and gathered the material of my dress in fists, swallowing hard as I did so.
"I'm fine," I lied, my face wearing a stern expression. I decided he did not deserve my smile. None of them did.
"Are you sure? You're very pale," he continued to question me and I nodded mechanically. I had to play my part for the time being. Until I figure out what the hell I was supposed to do with my life from now on. Or what's left of it...
"I'm just getting used to how all this feels," I lied again because I found I was good at it. Ceasar bought it easily enough, or maybe he was just as good of an actor. He laughed his stupid laugh and the audience followed, their concern for my well being disappearing much faster than it had appeared.
"Now this I can believe! Can't you, folks!?" Ceasar drawled and everyone clapped. I dragged my glaring eyes across the people's faces and they all looked like a bunch of evil-looking clowns, watching my every move, every facial expression, listening to every word. I half expected for them to boo me off the stage for the lack of thrill I had so far presented. But they didn't. They didn't care. Or maybe they found my obvious disgust that much more exciting since I was a Career and I was supposed to be cruel and cold-hearted. How could they believe that though? After everything that I had done in the arena. After how much heart I had shown when it came to Thresh and Cato. Even Rue and Katniss. One thing was for sure - even if they believed I was still the same person the Academy had tried so hard to make me become back in district 2, President Snow surely did not.
Ceasar Flickerman made a few more jokes that everyone, except me, laughed at, and then it was time for me to somehow grit my teeth and get through the following three hours of the show. I didn't want to experience everything that had happened once more. I didn't want to have to watch all of my allies die once again. How could I have ever wanted this so badly? I used to imagine myself sitting on this very stage and smirking cruelly at the screen as I watch myself kill other kids in a truly vicious Career-like fashion. I used to imagine myself clapping along with the audience and accepting their approval for my maliciousness with a smile.
How could I be this person?
During the highlights, as always, they periodically were going to show the winner's reaction up on a box in the corner of the screen and I had to try very hard not to glance that way. I did not want to see my face, crunched up in pain as I was forced to watch my allies who were now all dead. I knew what the Capitol was doing. I knew Snow wanted to break me, just to have one more excuse to kill me later on more quickly. I was dead already. I knew it. He would not let me get away with everything I'd done.
The first half hour focused on pre-arena events. I watched myself volunteer, my face emotionless and determined as I walked to the stage and I felt like it was not me I was looking at. I did not recognize that person. The hateful glare my eyes held, that thirst for blood they showed. It wasn't me.
Cato's voice echoed shortly after and something squeezed my throat. His face was also frozen in a stern expression, but now I could see right through it. His eyes were on me during his entire walk up to the stage. He was terrified. I could tell he was already imagining my lifeless body being carried away from the arena by a hovercraft. Now I truly realized how much he'd always cared. The audience couldn't possibly see all those subtle hints he had given throughout our time in the Capitol, but they were there. The way he watched me during our training sessions and lunch with the Careers. The way he stared at me as I was being interviewed. How he pulled me away from Marvel shortly after before I was able to beat him to a pulp for taunting me. Him threatening the guy. Multiple times.
And then there came the time for the Games. They showed me standing there, completely dumbfounded at how things had played out. I still seemed ruthless at first, though I wasn't too good of a leader. Not surprisingly, they omitted all the parts where I showed any sort of kindness toward my allies, like for example something as crucial and completely outraging (by the Capitol rules) - a Career thanking a fellow tribute from District 11 for saving their life. Never mind my "thank you". The fact alone that a boy from 11 saved a Career was shocking enough. People must have seen that coming, though. The rules had been changed and it was clear that we were supposed to have each other's backs. Still, I had no doubt that Thresh saving my life was definitely one of the most surprising events of this year's Hunger Games, if not in their entire history.
Watching our struggles to stay alive as a team quickly began eating away at me and I felt tears tickling the back of my eyes. I stubbornly pushed them back, knowing what was at stake here. They were doing this on purpose - they were trying to break me. I knew what would come next if I gave in. I'd sign my own death sentence. Again. It seemed as though I had signed a lot of those. Still, my allies did not die so I could come back and give the Capitol another excuse to eliminate me shortly after. So easily. So effortlessly. My allies deserved more. I needed to somehow fight this. To survive. For their sake. To avenge their lives. I definitely didn't care to stay alive, but I had no choice.
For them. For them. For them. For them. For-
The audience gasped in shock when the fireballs began charging at us and ended up causing the death of my ally from 4. The little boy. I couldn't remember his name. I wasn't sure whether I had ever asked for it...
"My goodness, the excitement!" Ceasar commented with a grin, making me want to puke right then and there. Exciting? This? The 12-year-old boy bleeding out?
The astounded look my eyes held immediately disappeared when many memories from my life before the Games hit me like a pile of bricks and I couldn't breathe. Because I knew very well that having to watch someone die in front of me, if not being the cause of their imminent death myself, was what I had trained and lived for throughout at least 10 years of my life. The sight I was watching now used to be, by the Academy's definition, something thrilling to me. Something good. Something I was expected to be a master of, once chosen as my district's tribute.
Who even was I? I didn't know anymore. I didn't know how I felt because I didn't use to be capable of feeling anything but what I had been taught.
What I could physically feel was an elevated heart-beat. I could feel hot blood pulsating furiously in my veins, so fast it was almost painful. I could feel my throat tightening, almost as if someone's hand was squeezing it. I could feel my stomach contracting as if I was preparing myself for an attack. But there was no way out of this state. There was no way out from this situation. I was stuck here, watching all these people in the audience fake their tears and laughter and I felt sick.
Soon enough, though... I was almost gagging.
"You have ten seconds to take me to where you'd last seen her or I promise you won't like what I do with this blade next,"
His voice rang in my ears and suddenly, I was chilled to the bone. It was nothing like the voice I still remembered; the way he spoke to me when we were in the arena or even before that. This Cato, the Cato I was seeing on the huge screen before me, was not the same person. This Cato was possessed. He was cruel and cold-blooded. This Cato was a Career. A district 2 legacy. Someone that would have gone down in history had it not been for the fact... that he was gone.
"I told you to fucking stay away from her. I told you there would be hell to pay if you so much as touched her,"
Glimmer died an absolutely horrifying, gruesome death. I found myself looking away as soon as Cato made his first cut. I didn't care at that point whether I'd be killed before I even made it out of the Capitol. I could not watch Cato murdering this girl so viciously, knowing that I was the reason she had to suffer so much. I had never cared for Glimmer but no one deserved to go so painfully. When I was out there with Katniss and Thresh, he was brutally making the life bleed out of this girl because she dared to hurt me. Because he cared for me so much he actually turned into this monster the Academy had tried so hard to wake up within him.
She begged and she cried hysterically but he never stopped. Not until I was positive she had finally passed out and her heart stopped beating, her cannon ending this absolutely brutal, bloody show. I glanced at the audience and to my surprise, they weren't cheering or laughing. They all seemed fairly stunned. Like this was the first time someone was killed so savagely. It wasn't.
Have they actually realized how merciless the Hunger Games were? One could hope. I knew that was not the case. But Cato indeed had managed to shock them so much no one dared to smile or speak throughout the whole thing.
Oh, Cato... What had you done? Why did you let them see you at your absolute worst? Why did you let me see you this way?
I watched him scream my name in his dreams. I watched him glance up at the sky anxiously whenever a cannon boomed, worried sick that he'd see my face looking down on him, never to see me alive again. I watched him follow me into the cabin where we'd encountered each other for the first time in the arena. I saw how his face lightened up when he noticed me from across the clearing, his eyes glistening, lips curving into a smile. He looked so relieved. So happy to have finally found me.
"Hey little girl, how's life?"
His voice sent a chill down my spine, as I remembered his body pressed up against mine, his hot breath on my skin, his eyes looking into mine so intensely like there was nothing that could stop him from being with me. Where was he now?
When Thresh and Katniss turned up, I swallowed that thick lump in my throat and choked back some undesired tears, knowing what happened to them. I watched my attempt to save Cato from Thresh's sword and I couldn't help but wonder whether my ally would have indeed killed my district partner had I not stood between them.
Then there was me getting the infection and for half an hour, all I could do was stare at the screen blankly in disbelief, because how was I the one still alive? Had it not been for Thresh, Cato and I would have never even met in the arena. He saved my life twice. Had it not been for Cato and Katniss, I would not have survived the infection. Why was I still here? Still breathing. Still alive.
"Damn it, I was trying to protect you! Has that ever occurred to you!?" Cato yelled at me in that hidden bunker as he dressed my wound and I saw my face go from oblivious to confused, but I knew that even then I was still clueless. At least to some extent. I had been blind.
So very blind.
He never left my side after that. I listened to his conversation with Thresh, the rage in his eyes when he mentioned Marvel and how the guy had planned on hurting me in the arena to get to him. Seemed like even Marvel had been aware all along that I was someone of great importance to Cato. Thresh knew. Everyone could see how much it hurt him to have to watch me die in slow motion, curled up in the corner of that dark room. Everyone knew.
Everyone but me.
"She won't wake up! Want me to spell it out for you!? She is not going to wake up!"
And yet... I was lucky enough that the Game Makers had decided to give Cato a chance to save me. And he did just that. He chose to save me at a terrible cost.
I watched him put my trembling body down after Katniss had talked him into letting her join his trip back to the cabin. He covered me with blankets carefully and leaned in, his whisper accompanied by something that was most probably considered appropriate music for that moment by all those clowns in the Capitol. To me... it was disgusting. It made my stomach twirl before it settled down again, soothed by the sound of Cato's voice:
"I don't know how much fight you have left in you, partner. But I need you to stay alive. I will be back. I promise,"
My eyes burned as I tried to keep them from blinking, from releasing any tears that could be enough of an excuse for the Capitol or my own district to kill me. Once again I had to remind myself that their deaths could not go in vain. Their deaths had to be worth something. And I had to stay alive long enough to make sure they were. And so I had to keep my eyes open and stern while Cato and Katniss jogged through the forest as fast as they could to try and save my life.
"I think someone's after us!"
Katniss' cry echoed and from that moment on, I knew just how right she was. There were indeed people following them, right on their heels, probably just awaiting some sort of a sign from the Capitol to attack. My, now dead, fellow trainees from the Acadamy had been in the arena for a much longer time than I had originally thought. I wondered what made them wait so long to reveal their presence... I stopped pondering that thought when Katniss and Cato stormed out of the cabin and he let her run off with the bag for my sake.
And then... staying strong became almost impossible when I watched Cato desperately trying to fight off at least half a dozen of huge wolves at once. I winced over and over again when I saw their teeth biting into his flesh, crimson blood pouring out, tears of pain and sorrow running down his face as he successfully stabbed the last wolf to death and collapsed onto the ground, panting, his chest moving up and down so fast I was surprised he hadn't died of a heart attack. My hands curled into fists and I squeezed them so hard my nails broke the skin on my palms.
Cato.
He lied there for a long while, just bleeding, his eyes squeezed shut as he whispered something inaudible. Some of his worse wounds were located on his shoulder blades, reminding me of my own injuries I had suffered before Thresh saved me from a certain death. Who was going to save him now? He lied there so defenseless and hopeless, just murmuring something under his breath as he fought to stay awake. My body went cold because I knew that however he was about to survive that attack, at the end of the day - he was gone anyway.
I glanced at the audience once again and saw their fakely concerned, depressed faces as some of them sat there with glistening eyes or hands on their chest, as if they were literally able to feel Cato's pain. A bunch of mother fu-
A familiar sound interrupted my nasty thoughts because there was a parachute flying towards Cato's bloodied body. He opened his eyes immediately, panting harshly and as it landed softly a few feet away from him, he took a deep breath and rolled onto his side. Then he began crawling toward it, wincing and clenching his teeth in pain. I closed my eyes and licked my dry lips, unable to watch him suffer like that without a blink of an eye, no matter the consequences.
Once he finally reached the parachute, he opened it and with a great relief found a full jar of medicine inside. The exact same kind that Thresh had used on my arm that Glimmer had cut open with her dagger. The same kind I then used on Thresh himself. Cato began tending to himself, smearing the balm onto every wound he could reach very generously and instantly, his face began relaxing. I let out a soft sigh, finding a bit of comfort in the fact that he didn't have to lie there and suffer for that long. When he was done, he sighed contently and lied back again, trying to calm his breathing. He knew very well he couldn't stay there for too much longer so a minute or two later, he was already trying to get back on his feet and it couldn't have been clearer how much pain he was in, despite the medicine. He somehow managed to stumble away from the clearing and into the forest where he found a decent amount of bushes, thick enough to hide him for the time being. I wasn't relieved for long, though. Because I knew what was coming.
I saw myself lying on Thresh's broad chest throughout the night, my arm across his stomach as we slept, both still so very much alive. It was almost as if I could reach through that big screen and touch him. Tell him it's going to be okay. That he will be just fine-
"Clove!"
Rue's terrified scream stopped my heart for a second. I watched the wolf mutt dig his claws deep into my shoulders and I almost felt them cut through my skin again. And then came the moment I was so afraid to see. To experience from this stage once more. The moment that had traumatized me and left me feeling hopeless and defeated for a couple of days.
Thresh came to my aid so fast I almost missed it. He ran into the mutt with such force he took it with him. As they both rolled over a few times, the mutt jumped him and it was only a matter of seconds before Rue's cry alerted me.
"THRESH!"
But it was too late. I watched myself jump to my feet with quickness and for the first time, I could see just how much strength I managed to find in myself once having seen Thresh lying on the ground with that monster on top. My eyes were dark and devilish. Actually seeing myself throw that mutt off of Thresh, I still was unable to comprehend just how I managed to do that. Somehow I overpowered him. The hatred and desperation I felt were like a superpower. I stabbed the animal once, then twice, then again and again until I had its blood covering my entire neck and face. My hand smeared the blood across my mouth as I ran the back of it against my trembling lips and then I crawled toward Thresh, my arms and legs vividly shaking as I did.
"Thresh..."
My whisper was heart-breaking. Ceaser looked about ready to cry and I wanted to squeeze the life out of him. Bastard. Screw him and his fake emotions. Screw him and his pretend mourning for my ally who died to save me. I squeezed my eyes shut, refusing to watch him go... again.
"Don't you dare die on me. Please, Thresh. Goddamn it, please!"
And that was it. What happened next was never shown which was not a surprise at all. They never showed my-shaking-self yell to the sky afterwards and collapse on my knees with rage and hopelessness, for the first time in my life realizing what loneliness and grief felt like. At that time I still believed that Cato had died, so once I lost Thresh too, my body went into shock. But Katniss and Rue were still there and by all means, they were the only ones left that I still gave a crap about. I didn't care for winning. I just wanted to make sure one of them would get to see their families again. I didn't have anyone. I didn't want to win. Cato and Thresh both had died...
Or so I thought.
"Oh my God, I'm dead,"
"Not yet you're not."
I opened my eyes when I heard his voice again, remembering how it felt to realize that he was still with me. That he had never died and was still very much alive, standing in front of me, my shaking hands grasping onto him as if I needed more of a proof. To make sure my confused and hurt mind was not playing any tricks.
"Come on, we need to go,"
Then we ran together until we found Katniss and Rue up in that tree and began climbing it, trying to get away from the mutts that were hot on our heels. I saw myself glancing down to check on Cato and that was when my foot slipped. He caught me before the beasts had the chance to taste my flesh and he squeezed my hand as he held my little self, hanging in the air like a rag doll.
"I've got you. I got you,"
Then he yelled at Katniss, telling her to shoot the mutts, but she couldn't get a clear shot. And then the branch underneath Cato started to crack. And I knew this wasn't the end for either one of us, but it still felt as if I had to watch Cato die over and over again.
"There's no other way, you have to let go!"
"No, Clove!"
"Let go of me now!"
"No!"
"Right now, Cato!"
"I said NO!"
"Cato, don't be stupid! If you won't let me go, we're both gonna die!"
"Then we BOTH die!... I'm not letting you go..."
He would have never let me go. Not when we were literally hovering above what could have killed us both, not when it was me on the verge of dying. I sat up straight because I realized that this was the moment I had been waiting for. That moment where he was about to say something I must have misheard in the midst of all this pain and confusion. There was no way that he-
"I love you,"
I sucked in a breath and my heart stopped all over again. Because I had been right all along. I had heard him correctly. It wasn't just in my head. Cato confessed his love and I never got the chance to even react or say anything back.
"What?"
"I said I-"
And then the branch snapped and we fell to the ground and landed harshly next to each other with the mutts surrounding us, disturbing our moment and Cato's confession. I watched his seemingly hopeless attempt to try and cover me as if he was able to overpower whatever came our way. As if he was ready to do absolutely everything in order to protect me. That time, though, he didn't have to because, oddly, the mutts ran off on their own, leaving us to wonder why we were still both in one piece.
It was quaint, really. To see everything play out before my eyes, making me feel like it was not me and my allies fighting to stay alive, but someone else. I wasn't the girl who once again somehow managed to escape the kiss of death. I wasn't the girl passing out from blood loss and then carried by Cato, whose pale face was scrunched up in pain because of the severity of his still healing wounds. Or maybe it wasn't his injuries. Maybe it was him having to watch me so close to dying one more time after he had already suffered tremendously to save me before. What had that done? What did his sacrifice mean if I was now once again covered in blood and limp and there was nothing he could have done differently to have avoided that.
I watched as he walked with me in his strong arms, Katniss and Rue following him close behind, both traumatized and concerned. They had no idea what would happen to them. No clue at all.
Cato glanced down at my blood marked face and pulled me closer to his chest, resting his cheek on top of my head, as he appeared to be breathing in my scent. I bit my bottom lip to stop it from quivering because God, I missed him. I hated how little attention I had given him throughout all these years. And I hated the Capitol for making me so heartless and cold, stripping me from any humanity that I could have shared with him had I known any better.
Cato's speech about surviving was cut short, of course. They were not about to let the audience and all of Panem be reminded of what had kept him alive and how he openly admitted to changing in the arena. Admitting he was no longer what they had set him out to be.
"I promised you I'd come back... Seems like I've finally found someone worth dying for,"
Our almost kiss came next. The kiss that wasn't going to happen for another few very long hours. Or days. I wasn't even sure. And then the rule was no more. And this was exactly where Cato and I had created our destiny. The only problem was... we both were supposed to never see the world outside of that arena again. It was a silent agreement between us that probably nobody else had been aware of.
The part where we go back to the so-called Cornucopia and I tell Cato about me knowing his brother was also of course omitted. There was no need for anyone to remember the fallen. That was the Capitol's idea, anyway. Only the victors mattered.
The shooting was what came next and I curled my hands into fists for the tenth time that night, watching all the kids I used to know from the Academy chase us throughout the woods, having the time of their lives with shotguns and such at their disposal. What a bunch of sick in the head cowards they were. Just like Amos. Even Nigel had somehow been manipulated into joining their messed up idea. Watching this go down now, I could see that had they really wanted to, they could have taken us all down. They must have been told by the Game Makers not to kill us all at once for the purpose of the show because some of them stumbled across Katniss and Rue closeby but they fired their guns at the trees instead, only to frighten them.
Cato and I, on the other hand, had been a target for them. Had they been trained more thoroughly on using guns, I was sure at least one of us would have died in the shooting.
"Stay down,"
Cato said after he'd thrown me down to the ground, covering me with his own body. And then he just walked off, rage and fury in his eyes. I watched him surprise one of our fellow trainees and knock him out cold before collecting his weapon and shooting him at a close range, killing him instantly. Before he had the chance to notice, a girl jumped from behind some trees, shooting him in the chest. I flinched and watched the bullets from his gun hit her head and she fell. He cursed under his breath, placing a hand where the wound was and wincing in pain, dropping to his knees for a brief moment. He was lucky enough that the girl did not have a shotgun or a rifle. All she had on her was a pistol and the bullet from it must have been fairly small, but obviously, it still caused damage and possibly cracked his rib.
"Cato!"
As soon as my voice echoed in the forest, Cato's head shot up and he jumped to his feet with a quiet hiss of pain and ran off in my direction. He made it just in time to see Nigel pointing his weapon at my chest and his face froze into an expression of pure outrage. He never hesitated. In a matter of seconds, Nigel was dead. I remembered Cato saying a couple of things he was not supposed to after that, but that part was naturally skipped.
Shortly afterward, we were joined by Katniss, Rue, and Raff and the big finale was just about to go down. They briefly showed us putting our plan into action, digging up the mines, from where the Games had started for me and Katniss, and placing them across the clearing. Our trap-to-be that had not worked. I almost felt sick when thinking of how the Game Makers had fooled us.
"Don't be late..."
He'd asked. And then I kissed him. That image struck me even more than anything before that; how gentle I was, how differently I behaved, holding him so close to me, revealing my true colors to the whole of Panem. I watched him kiss me back with just as much passion and affection and it shocked me to the core. We had wasted so much time. Now more than ever I knew that we hadn't truly lived until we ended up in the Arena together.
I miss you, Cato.
Those words my mind just continued to produce were yet another painful reminder to me of whom I've lost. Who I was never to see again. When I watched myself run off to catch up with Katniss, I almost found it funny how foolish I had been to have believed that this was not a goodbye for us just yet. But it was. At least, a proper one. Because now I knew that the next time we'd see each other, blood will be gushing from my abdomen and I will be half conscious.
The taunting from Sasha is of course included in the highlights, probably just to try and get me even more out of my element.
"Did you think your failure of a plan would actually work?"
Despite my deep and justified hatred towards the girl, she was right to jeer. How could we be this naive? I watched myself attempting to run away from the group, while at the same time Cato was slaughtering the others with Rue in the hiding, awaiting him. At this point, I had no idea what would happen to her. Why she was not the one sitting in my place.
I watched as Katniss waited for the girls to make it close enough to where she had collapsed before detonating the grenade I had given her, possibly saving my life once again. Another debt that I would never get the chance to repay.
What happened next enraged me to my absolute limit. Sasha had never followed her companions. Sasha had been picked up by a hovercraft and taken in the direction that I was headed: to the city part of the Arena where a wounded Cato was.
"Clove! Are you okay!?"
My hand went to my stomach, involuntarily. I swallowed hard and I felt my heartbeat quicken with every step that I watched Cato take towards me. Those bastards. I was going to kill them. I-
"CLOVE-!"
Sasha appeared out of nowhere and pushed her knife into my abdomen, glaring at me with despise. Cato's painful cry sent a chill down my spine and I watched him regain all of his strength for the time being. He aimed his gun perfectly and shot Sasha in the head. She collapsed before she could understand what had hit her, but Cato didn't stop there, shooting her multiple times when he was close enough, madness in his eyes.
He caught my limp body in his arms before I hit the ground and held me close, trying everything he could to stop the bleeding.
"Stop fighting me!" he'd yelled and watched me release some tears of pain that reflected his own. "Clove..."
"I'm dying, Cato... you have to find her,"
To anyone this probably sounded like a request from a Career, asking her district partner to go finish the only ally that was left so that she herself could live. Even after everything that had happened throughout the Games, they still made it look believable enough. I wanted Rue dead. That was the idea they were trying to present to the audience. I wanted Rue dead so that either Cato or myself could win.
Shortly after, Cato bent so that I could whisper in his ear something that no one was able to hear and I could see how much it was killing Ceasar and the rest of the Capitol. How badly they wanted to know.
"I will be back. I promise,"
He couldn't have possibly kept that promise. Especially not after what I had told him needed to be done. He knew it. I was sure he did. And so it was not a surprise to me at all when Cato ran off and saved Rue from a certain death at the hands of Silas, before it was finally time for me to find out just how I had lost them both. Just how it was even possible-
"What's so fucking funny!?" were his last words before Silas presented a bomb detonator he had on him. And the entire building blew up mere seconds after I had blacked out. So this was how they went. They were killed by something that by rules had never been allowed inside the Arena. According to the Capitol regulations throughout the past 73 years. Our fellow Academy trainee, another mascot they had trained for the purpose of the Games, had ended Cato and Rue's lives with a flick of a button.
My chest was about ready to explode and I knew that the pressure I felt was from all the tears I gathered within me since the highlights had first begun. I could not give in now. I could not. I had to somehow make it through.
"I love you,"
His words echoed around the stage once more. They had actually edited those in, after the explosion, with the last shot of my lifeless body for a dramatic end. Just to kill me some more. Just to destroy the bits and pieces of myself that I'd been trying to keep together ever since I'd first woken up.
One, thick tear made it out of my eye and I wanted to scream. I wanted to run up to Ceasar and strangle him. I wanted to make each Capitol citizen suffer, with my bare hands, as I had to now suffer for their entertainment. I wanted their blood. I wanted to bathe in it. I hated them. Hated them. Hated-
"I love you," he had said.
He loved me.
I couldn't remember what happened after the screen had faded into blackness. I couldn't remember the crowd cheering for me, celebrating my victory, drying their fake tears as if they tried to sympathize with my loss but they had no earthly idea how huge it was. How enormous and endless the pain felt. Like it would never stop, which I had guessed was part of my punishment for how badly I'd failed.
I couldn't remember anything. I couldn't even remember the President placing that ridiculous crown on top of my head. All I knew was that I needed to get out. I needed to be as far away from this place as humanly possible. And that was when it struck me;
Stupid me.
I had that thought cross my head as soon as I heard my so-called mentor's enraged voice chase after me as I walked down the hall, still in the dress from the interview and coronation.
"Either you stop and turn to face me or I'll come do it for you. Your choice, girl," Enobaria snapped when I didn't react and so I let out a heavy sigh but decided I didn't really care whether she was about to murder me or not. So I stopped. I turned around and let her catch up with me. I half expected her to push me or slap me or rip my throat out with those golden fangs of hers. But she didn't.
"What in the fucking world was going on inside your head back there?" she whisper-yelled when she finally cornered me and I had to fight myself not to back away. That woman used to be an idol of mine. Now? She was one of the worst human beings I had ever met. And I knew she never liked me. Not when I was cruel and ready to murder kids like me, and definitely not now when I was a victor who should have died in the arena. She truly must have hated me. She had literally bit the life out of another person's neck to get to where she was today. To survive. Me? I almost died three times and twice I was saved by the Game Makers because it was them that had decided to provide the cure and it was them that had allowed my former Academy colleagues to have explosive devices on them that ended the lives of Rue and Cato and just happened to save mine.
"I don't have any answers if they are what you are looking for," I told her, unafraid but certainly affected by the hatred her eyes were shooting my way. "I'm still trying to figure all that out myself,"
Stupid me. How could I ever think that I would get away from the Capitol before she got to me?
"You idiot," she hissed and it almost made me shudder. "Do you have any idea what you've done?"
"A very vivid one," I admitted, still not about to give her the satisfaction of seeing me scared. Her hand slapped the wall next to my head and I blinked but stayed put.
Stupid me.
"You're such an idiot," she continued, disbelief now showing on her scrunched up face. "A failure. A true definition of disgrace,"
"A disgrace?" I asked, my voice soft. "You sound like those Academy folks, all of whom we've killed in the arena," I was pushing it. I knew I was. But I couldn't help how little I cared what would happen next. "All of them are dead, and I'm actually still alive, so I don't know, maybe I'm better off being one," I finished, a hint of mockery in my voice that only fed the hate fire in Enobaria's eyes.
"You little fool," she smirked dangerously. "'I'm still alive'? You think that will last? You killed yourself the minute you spared your allies' lives when the rule was revoked,"
"Think I don't know that?" I asked, my voice getting angrier, making me feel more confident. "I know exactly what our actions led to. But there are things more important than bringing pride to those who couldn't give less shits about you,"
"You stupid girl, don't you get it?" Enobaria now hissed at me, abandoning her taunting smile. "You're going down, Clove, and you are not taking me with you. You're on your own,"
"I've been on my own," I responded, narrowing my eyes at her with hate I felt was well deserved. Some mentor was she. She had never cared. Was this supposed to shock me? Enobaria sized me up one more time, disgust very visible on her face, before turning around and storming off. Unfortunately, though, I was hardly done.
"I wonder," I spat at her retreating back and she stopped immediately, to my surprise. "How did you even win the Games if you're such a fucking coward?"
That did it. Now she was furious. She was in my face before I could so much as blink, her hand slapped the wall right next to my head once more with a satisfying thud.
"I'm not a coward. I just don't care for who you've become. I don't care for what you're trying to fight against. I don't give a single shit about any of it,"
"I know," I whisper, the expression on my face now much more relaxed. "After all, I used to be like you," I said, my eyes staring into her blank ones and by then I had completely gotten rid of any intimidation she'd caused when she first approached me. "But now... I'm glad I'm not,"
It took her a while to respond. I figured she was trying to come up with something terrifying to say, something that would scare me, make me cower. But I was Clove Raven. And as much as the Games had changed me, I did not cower. Nor did I get scared that easily. And I was really at the point where I didn't care. I didn't care at all.
"You didn't deserve to win," Enobaria eventually hissed in response and I just smiled sadly, nodding my head just slightly.
"At least there's one thing we agree on,"
I was on my way to the train, wincing more with every other step I took. I could hope that as soon as I leave the Capitol, I'd go back to the way I used to feel once upon a time. Or rather, to the way I used to not feel. I could hope that as soon as this train takes me away from the station, I'd leave any and every kind of emotion I'd developed throughout the last couple of days. I could hope for a lot of things. But I knew I'd never be that confident, cold-hearted and emotionless girl again; that girl that had gotten off the very same train with Cato what seemed like hours ago.
Cato.
Even the mention of his name was too much for me to handle. I felt tears tickling the back of my eyes instantly, but I pushed them back. They had to wait; I couldn't afford for anyone to see me break down. I had to overcome this intense urge I had to fall down on my knees and cry myself to death.
I looked over my shoulder one last time and I shuddered. Because it was almost as if I could see him standing right beside me with the crowd of cheering Capitol clowns everywhere around that couldn't wait to see us bleed. Funny. They were cheering for us when we were dead men walking. Now that I've lived, now that I was the survivor, there was no one there to cheer for that. This wasn't what they had always promised us. This was not what the Capitol had sworn winning would feel like.
Before I would have never thought that making it out of the arena alive didn't actually mean one was still alive. Now that I thought about it...
... alive just meant alone.
That vague memory I just imagined playing out in front of me disappeared into thin air, rubbing the loneliness in my face, and I seriously began questioning my sanity. I always knew that I was crazy. But if I was so insane before... what the hell was I now?
"Clove Raven!"
I spun around at the mention of my name and saw one of the Peacekeepers marching toward me, fully armed. I'd lie if I said that was a surprise, but I did wonder what the hell he wanted from me since I was literally about to get on that train.
"You're not leaving yet," he announced coldly, leaving me no room to argue. "Come with me."
I knew where I was before the door was opened. I'd had that feeling for hours. Ever since the coronation. Ever since I had first woken up, actually. And I was so extremely right.
"Come in, Miss Raven." his voice was venom. "Come in."
The Peacekeeper gave me a slight push and I glared at him over my shoulder before going inside, hearing him close the door behind me. As if he thought I'd try to run away. I couldn't care any less about what was going to happen in this room.
"Why don't you have a seat?" President Snow encouraged me with a fake smile creeping onto his face. I could tell from the look in his eyes that he wanted nothing more than to kill me. But I obeyed. I didn't have much of a choice. I slowly walked over to the table where he sat on the other side with a tall glass of something that might have been alcohol. Or not. "I'm glad I could catch you before the train left," he said as I sat down, narrowing my eyes at him. I was waiting for the right moment to tell him where he could stick that smile of his, but apparently, he didn't invite me in here to let me have a say.
"Miss Raven, once again I would like to congratulate you on winning the Games," he told me, leaning forward slightly. "Your district must be very proud of you."
I almost laughed at the obvious sarcasm his words were soaked with. District 2? Proud of me?
"I won't judge you for how you chose to survive the Games, Miss Raven." Snow continued, his smile turning into a smirk that almost gave me chills. "I understand it was hard for you, especially considering the new circumstances."
I swallowed hard, staring him down and refusing to look away; but deep down I knew what was about to be said. There was no way he was actually this forgiving. There was no way he'd ever accept how bad I'd failed as a Career. "That rule was a stupid idea, wouldn't you say?" I snapped bravely, making his smirk grow bigger. "It was not very wise on your part, was it?"
Snow still had that grin plastered to his face and it was making me feel more and more uneasy. As was the silence that filled the room after I'd spoken.
"I agree with you, Clove." he nodded somewhat politely. "It turned out to be a huge failure, indeed. But that was not the initial idea."
"Then what was?" I asked coldly, actually very curious to hear why the hell had he let someone mess up this year's Games so royally? I'd been wondering that for weeks. Why would anyone come up with that rule? What was the point?
"Oh I'll tell you," he said and it was that moment when he decided he had no use for that smirk of his. His features hardened and I found myself squeezing the arm rests I'd placed my hands on. "The idea for the rule was to show everyone in Panem that there is no such thing as loyalty. There is no such thing as sacrifice or friendship. That no matter how bad people want to believe in those things, at the end of the day - they do not exist. Greed... indifference... betrayal... those take their place when one's life is at stake. Allies become enemies. Siblings become rivals. There is no family. No partners. No friends. No lovers." his glare darkened even more, if possible, as he made sure I knew exactly what he was talking about. "Your job was very simple. You were supposed to pretend to ally with others, even make it seem like you cared just to kill them viciously as soon as the rule was revoked. You were supposed to be our proof that no matter how close of an ally you think you have, they will always end up stabbing you in the back." his words stung me like a bunch of tracker jackers and I found it harder and harder to breathe with every word he was throwing at me.
Was the answer really that simple? Was that the entire idea?
"Miss Raven, you were chosen for a reason. You were one of the very few that we were sure would not fail. We were certain you would be the best choice for this year's Games. However, "he paused. "I can't say the same about your partner."
My blood seemed to have turned cold as soon as he brought him up. I could tell he'd picked up on my reaction immediately and it made him break into that evil smirk once more. "See, Miss Raven, I was sure that no matter what, if it came down to it, you would kill him without any hesitation. That you would make the life bleed out of him and claim victory in a fashion a district 2 tribute should." he continued. I sucked in a breath and pushed back the tears I felt were coming, glaring at him hatefully. He smirked harder. "But I knew he would not do the same. I could tell from the start he would sacrifice his pathetic life to save yours. And I was correct. As usual." he stood up and turned his back on me, looking out the window. "But I had other hopes for him. Which is why I wanted him to participate in the first place. I had hopes he would not be as stupid. I hoped he would murder everyone on his way and then let you kill him."
I wanted his blood. As he stood there in front of me, defenseless, unarmed - I wanted to kill him with my bare hands. Stare him in the eyes as the life in them fades.
"But, what's done is done," he said, turning around and getting all comfortable again in his huge, royal armchair. "There is still a chance for you to redeem yourself and fix this mess you have caused. I am willing to make a deal with you."
"What makes you think that I care about what I've caused?" I spat through gritted teeth, clenching my fists to stop them from shaking. "What makes you think I'll do anything you tell me to?"
Snow recovered that smug look he'd had when I first entered this room. "Oh, I have no doubt you will. Once you have realized just how bad things could get,"
"I don't care for that either, Mr. President," I whispered in a dark voice and I was the one leaning forward now. "You can do whatever you like to me. You can kill me right now. I've got nothing to lose. You can't make me do shit,"
And with that, I decided I was way done with this conversation. I really did not want to hear any more poison coming out of his mouth. I've had enough. I got on my feet and headed for the door, knowing he wouldn't just let me go like that.
"Dear Miss Raven," his voice reached my ears again. "don't you think I knew you would say that?"
I stopped walking immediately. But I did not turn around. "I have known all along you were not the type to obey by anybody's rules. Which, I am guessing, is why you broke my rule by actually allying with the wrong people in the arena. And why you decided to do the exact opposite of what you were supposed to after that young man's life was taken away by the mutts we had released to kill you."
Pain squeezed my heart when he dared mention Thresh, too. Tears filled my eyes and I was glad he could not see them. Tears were weak. I couldn't let him see me at my weakest. I was already on the losing end of this fight.
"But what you are doing right now, Miss Raven is beyond all kinds of foolish," he said with a laugh that reminded me of the mutts' barks. "You are turning your back on the Capitol and the President himself. What would Cato say?"
I fumed. Spinning around on my heels I stormed across the room right back to the table and rested my trembling hands on it, glaring right into Snow's eyes with as much intensity and hatred as I was capable of.
"If he was here," I hissed, my voice dripping with despise. Unafraid. "he would be standing right next to me telling you all the places you can stick your deal."
"I personally think he would have been more reasonable than you, Miss Raven," Snow said, leaning back in his chair casually as if we were discussing a dinner recipe.
"Well, that we'll never know, thanks to you." I murmured, my fingernails scratching the table's surface as my hands curled into fists. "Because Cato's dead."
"Really?" Snow growled and little did I know he was about to say words that were going to haunt me for months.
Sitting up straight with his hands knitted together in front of him and that smug, evil smirk still present on his face, he said:
"Says who?"
A/N: No hate, you guys. This is not the end of Clove and Cato (says President Snow and he's always right :P). Get ready for a sequel, my friends!
I'm sorry it took longer than I had expected. It was actually pretty stressful for me to write this last chapter. To edit it and then post it. I had to go through all the previous chapters and make sure everything was the way I had planned, it was a bit nerve-racking. So I'm sorry about this delay.
First of all, thanks to Marlene, Guest, and Isa for reviewing the previous chapter!
Secondly, thank you SO very much, everyone, for sticking with this fic for so many months and inspiring me to write more. I truly appreciate every and each one of you that have been following my story and giving me words of support which encouraged me to update faster. This has been a great journey and I definitely would not have finished this without you guys. THANK YOU!
As much as I am grateful for every review, I would like to especially thank a few users and those people are as follows:
Somebody knows
SillyPopcorn
Dominicana
Lies of a Silver Tongue
Bellicose Blue
As well as many 'guests' whom I'm unfortunately unable to thank by name.
Thank you so much for your many, MANY wonderful comments as well as private messages. I cannot even begin to try and express how much all those things you guys have said to me over these past few years now meant. You are truly the best! :)
Lastly, this story was originally supposed to end a lot different than it actually did. And now that you got to the end, I think it's safe to tell you. When I first started writing this story, I had a general idea of how things were going to play out and who was going to be the victor, and ladies and gentlemen - it was NOT going to be Clove. Or Cato. It was supposed to be Rue. I wanted to give Rue a better ending, I really wanted her to survive the Games while the Careers themselves choose to die over killing her because, in the end, they realize how blind they'd been all their lives and how the Capitol had brainwashed them into believing people's lives meant so little and that it was okay to murder kids in cold blood. In fact, that monolog that started this story in the very first chapter (which I put in this chapter again) in my mind: those were Rue's thoughts after winning the Games, not Clove's. But as I continued to write and fall more and more in love with those characters and the way I could change them, as I continued to receive so many beautiful reviews, I realized I did not want to be done with Cato and Clove. I realized that in my head I was already coming up with a storyline for the sequel. And I needed for my favorite characters to be a part of it.
And so, to wrap this up, I've already started writing the first chapter for the sequel to Mocking Games. So you can expect me to post a new fic shortly. :)
TO BE CONTINUED...