"What in Andraste's holy name did you think you were doing?"
Evelyn fell forward, trying to bury her head into the table's wood. "Leliana, I don't think it's appropriate for the Divine to take the name of -" she began in muffled tones.
"I will take any name in vain that pleases me, whatever my title," snapped her spymaster. "I'm not yet Divine, but Justinia claimed that a Divine who did not blaspheme simply wasn't doing her job properly, and I'm starting to understand what she meant. You told a room full of people that you met an elven goddess! In the Fade! And that she helped you! You understand that you are the Herald of Andraste, do you not? Not the Herald of Arlathan?"
"I never asked for that title, nor did I claim it when it was given to me." Evelyn slapped the table and pushed herself up. "You gave it to me. You all did. My experiences do not change because of a false title. Besides, I did not tell a room full of people. I only told Abelas. And Josephine. The rest of Skyhold would know nothing if some of my advisors didn't insist on a flotilla of bodies following me wherever I went!"
"Leliana," said Josephine, "the Inquisitor did try to move the discussion out of doors before the unfortunate conversation occurred. I think she understood the risks, and made the difficult choice to accept them."
Evelyn threw her a grateful glance, but Leliana continued to pace the back wall. "Of course, Josie, as long as the consequences were considered carefully by one single person in the middle of a polite chat, by all means let's accept it. Never mind our influence may have taken a permanent blow among the Andrastians of Thedas. The Herald cannot be so reckless with her reputation."
Evelyn snorted. "Yes, there certainly aren't any stories floating around about me doing things much more blasphemous, not to mention ludicrous, as talking to an old elf in the Fade. Spread the word that I saw Andraste in disguise, or that the Maker was there, too. The stories will mingle soon enough, and I'll be back to the symbol you need. Isn't that what you do, Nightingale? Whisper lies to make a new truth?"
Leliana's face flashed pain, and Evelyn almost apologized. Almost. But she was tired of being the paragon for a troubled faith, and even wearier of lying for it. She wanted the lies to work for her for a change. The Inquisitor murmured its agreement inside her. She ignored it.
"Ladies," said Cullen. All three women started; he'd been so quiet they'd forgotten he was in the room. "I think the question of what should have been done must be set aside. It has been done, for good or ill. How we deal with it must be decided later - though I agree with the Inquisitor that disinformation is a good strategy." Evelyn smiled and reached out across the table, but he drew back his hand.
"What I think is more important is why we didn't know about it until today. If it's even true." Josephine's eyes widened, and Leliana took a step towards them both.
"Of course it's true! Why would I make it up?"
"Blackwall, Dorian and Iron Bull said nothing about meeting an elven goddess, nothing about being helped. They were with you every moment in the Fade, and your accounts to me tallied to the smallest detail. I understand that physically visiting the Fade may provide different mental experiences which were not described at the time," he said, his voice hard. She flushed. "But I find it hard to believe you had time to dally with anyone to the extent you claim, goddess or not. So what's the truth, Lady?"
Maker's breath. She really hadn't thought this through. Curse Cole's slippery voices that led her to act in ways she couldn't undo. "I didn't meet her then," she said. She tucked her hair behind her ear. "It was on the second trip."
Leliana pivoted to the table in one quick motion. "You travelled to the Fade a second time? Physically? Do you know how dangerous that is?" Good thing she doesn't have her bow, thought Evelyn. You don't need every piece of a Herald to prop her up for a crowd.
Josephine's tan skin had gone a sickly olive, enhanced by her mustard dress, and Cullen's jaw was granite. His eyes showed her nothing, and she knew he would not forgive this easily. "Did you open up another Rift?" he asked quietly. "Did you go alone?"
"No. No, nothing like that. I didn't mean to go. I didn't know I would be going until I was there." She twisted her hands together in her lap, tried to gain control. "It was when I went after Morrigan, through the Eluvian. Remember, Leliana? She'd disappeared, with her son, and I went after them."
"I remember. You told me you'd gone to the Courtyard, the space between worlds."
"You assumed. I… didn't correct you."
Leliana shook her head. "And Morrigan would have lied, had I even thought to ask. So this mirror took you to the Fade, just like Corypheus wished it to. I suppose it's comforting to know that we thwarted a real plan after all. Less comforting to know it now that it would have been then, of course. But where does a goddess come in? You said you simply found them, talking, and brought them back."
Evelyn flinched. "That's broadly true."
"Why don't we narrow the scope?" asked Cullen, relentless. "Now that we're sharing."
"Morrigan and I found Kieran talking to the person who took him. We convinced her to let him return to us." Three pairs of unsatisfied eyes, trapping her. She continued, defensively, "It's not my secret to tell! Morrigan was afraid, and she's not easily frightened, so I decided to let it be rather than endanger anyone else. It had nothing to do with Corypheus, and it ended peacefully. But while we were there we met Mythal, who told us nothing we needed to know and left. I exaggerated the help for Abelas's benefit, to gain his trust."
Cullen nearly spat on the floor. "Endanger anyone else. Meaning you were in danger and let us live in ignorance of it. When will you learn you're not invulnerable? Miracles run out. Maker, I can only protect you from the things I know about, Inquisitor, and through protecting you protect this cause."
He thinks you're helpless, the Inquisitor hissed. He loves you only to serve his crusade.
She let a smile curve her mouth, but she knew it held no mirth. "I can care for myself, Commander, despite any who might doubt that. I can also make my own choices, and I make them alone. I serve your cause. I am not its slave. Besides, it would carry on without me quite well. Likely better than it does with me, based on this meeting. Having a living Herald seems to be more inconvenience to you all than blessing!"
An awful silence filled the room. Evelyn sat forward, wanting the fight. Months ago, she'd done nothing but go to a conclave like she'd been told. She'd picked something up, out of instinct, and now her self was vanishing from under her. She'd picked them up, out of duty, and carried them all on her back. She'd fought for them, bled for them, become what they all needed, and they were never sated. They took and took and took until it hurt, then threw her choices in her face. So easy for them to judge what they didn't have to hold. Her body flamed with anger, full and eager, and she waited.
The chair scraped against the floor as Cullen pushed himself up. He rested against the table and avoided her eyes. "Ladies," he said in a heavy voice. "I think we've gone past anything constructive. With your permission, I'll see to my other duties." Without waiting for approval, he strode to the door. He moved with none of his usual grace, and when he turned to open it, Evelyn was shocked at how old he looked. He'd never shown his age so clearly.
Shame flooded through her, and acknowledgement. She knew his fears better than she ever should have. The Nightmare Demon had seen to that, planting one so deep in her mind it might well have been her own. A lyrium bottle, unopened in his pocket. A pitched battle, with demons and blood mages at every corner. His sword too slow, his mind too fogged, and his orders too late while she died in front of him. It was never the same enemy twice, never the same fight, but she always died quickly, and the killer always laughed. It took her hand for his prize and left Cullen to live with the laughter.
That's the weapon she'd wielded against him, a stolen one she'd vowed to hide. She'd told herself she wanted a fight but used a dagger to gut him and end it before it could begin. The worst part was, she'd done it on purpose. The worst part was, she wasn't even in the right. The worst part was, she might do it again.
"Commander!" Leliana's voice broke through her guilt. She held up one hand and studied Evelyn. Appraised her, actually. She seemed to come to a decision. "I think we can resolve much of this now. The Inquisitor must go personally to search for Mythal. She has a clear connection with this elf, and she is the only one of the Inquisition she is likely to trust. More importantly, she is the only one who will recognize her unless Morrigan returns. While she does so, Josephine and I will handle whatever rumors are spreading, and you will shift troop support to Fereldan to be close at hand if needed. Agreed?"
Three agreements came quickly. Resigned from Cullen, soothing from Josephine, miserable from her.
"Good. Now, I would speak to the Lady privately."
When the door was closed and they were alone, Leliana took a seat next to her. "That was a very silly thing you did, Your Grace."
She laughed harshly. "Which part?" Tears stung her eyes and her mark flashed in response.
Leliana snorted, but not unkindly. "I suppose there were several choices. But believe it or no, I support you and think you're usually right. You're my leader, by my choice. When I become Divine, I will remain part of the Inquisition. And I never forget that you supported me for that role, as well." She pressed her hand over Evelyn's. "You were right to challenge me - a spymaster works with what is, not with what she wishes were. But you were wrong to condemn Cullen. And cruel. He loves you deeply. He pretends to protect you as a leader to protect you as a woman. And truthfully he has let you go into danger far more than I ever would have."
"I know. He agreed to this search without question." Unless it was only to get me far away from him.
"Ah yes, your trip. Shall I tell you why I suggested it? It was an interesting tale you told. You say Morrigan's son was taken by someone, then returned unharmed. You say Morrigan was afraid. Morrigan has only ever feared one woman. Flemeth took Kieran into the Fade." She silenced Evelyn's question. "Yes, I know Flemeth. We all did, once. She took the child. For what purpose - to torture her escaped daughter? Possibly, but why return him? You say it's a secret. Morrigan has only ever had one secret. Perhaps the Kieran she returned was not fully the Kieran that left, hm? Perhaps a piece of him has been borrowed, a very important piece unique to him.
"Still, why would Flemeth need it? It's not a ring you can slip on and off, and her immortality is established, if circular. And where did this elven goddess come from if you just stumbled into the Fade? A curious coincidence, to happen upon two such powerful women. Or a clever half-truth, one you are so good at telling. And why not? Flemeth has many names, as she herself says."
Evelyn sat back. "One day I will learn not to be surprised at the things you know."
She smiled sweetly. "Ah, Your Grace. I am a very good spy. And I have lived many lives." Her mood darkened. "But if Flemeth is who we hunt, we cannot afford to send anyone but you. None but a legend has any chance."