CHAPTER FOUR
Kono had been back at work for a while now, her hours varied and with Eve they each took a day off in the week to cover the two days John wasn't at Kindergarten, Kono having the Monday and Eve the Thursday. Kono loved it because it meant she still got to spend time with her baby boy and it worked well for Eve, even more the bigger she got. Kono had watched Steve come back like he had never been gone, it took a week but he was back running Five-0 like he hadn't been missing for the last five years. He was living at Danny's, using his spare room instead of being at the house with Kono and John, whenever she looked at him she saw the look in his eyes was one that made her want to reverse time.
Kono had done a week before she took two weeks leave, the tension whenever both of them stepped into the room unbearable and it left everyone around them walking on eggshells. She knew Danny and Chin made sure they were never alone together and they were never given the chance to be sent out together when a case came up. It wasn't fair to them and the guilt grew worse the more she knew how much they trying to keep them apart. It shouldn't have been like this, they should have been happy and now living their life now he was home; but it was the opposite and Kono felt like she was drowning again.
She spent the two weeks at home with John and when John was at kindergarten or with the one of the guys she would take a few moments to herself surfing or reading, or just anything which took her mind off her not so dead husband. Steve had asked through Danny if he could spend time with John, Kono hadn't been able to deny him and so Danny collected John and would take him to meet his father were they would some time together. She wished she could have been there to see it, the look on John's face as he finally spent time with Steve. Or the look on Steve's because she knew how much he had wanted a child before he deployed and now he finally had that. John would come home with tales of swimming and football, shave ice and lunch at Kamekona's. She felt a touch of jealousy when he came home with these stories, because she wanted to be there, she wanted to be involved, she wanted to be laughing along side John and Steve as they enjoyed their time together. She knew she couldn't though, this was her punishment, to sit on the sidelines and watch her husband build his relationship with the son he never knew he had because of her. She would accept this punishment, but as she kept telling herself, she didn't regret not telling him.
The atmosphere hadn't changed when she returned to work, things were still tense and she knew something had to be done about it. Kono was sat with Chin when they watched Steve come in that morning, Danny not far behind. Kono sighed and Chin frowned. "You need to talk to him cuz." He spoke quietly, that even and calm that always drove her up the wall. The all knowing Chin Ho Kelly.
"He doesn't want to talk to me." Kono answered watching the brunette through the glass he laughed with Danny who was talking animatedly, clearing a story that was important for so much enthusiasm. "He just goes silent and get's that look on his face which makes me feel like the smallest and most horrendous person in the world." Kono sighed turning back from the glass and sinking lower into her seat.
"You did what you thought was right at the time, you can't know whether telling him or not would have made a difference to him coming home or not, however you made the decision you thought was right and it might have taken over four years - but he's come home." Kono scratched at her head, couldn't her cousin just spit it out? "You need to speak to him, you need to get the air cleared between you, if not for us, for John. Because you need to figure out if you're going to try and make this work between you or not and if not John deserves to know now." Of course he did. John deserved the world and if she could have given it to him she would have; but Chin was right if her and Steve were not going to work this out then they would have do something soon and get their own lives on track and if needed work out the divorce.
"You're right, as always." Kono sighed gripping the bars of her chair harshly as she pushed to her feet, this was a better time than any to start something. "Wish me luck." She muttered sarcastically striding out of Chin's office and heading for Steve's where she had just watched him settle into his seat. She pushed open the door and then watched the humour and light fade from his eyes when he looked up and realized it was her.
"What do you want Kono, we have no case at the minute." He tone was cool and she flinched the harsh tone of voice. No they had no case, but she should have been able to speak to him regardless if they had a case or not.
"We need to sort this out, because it not fair to anyone around us who has to put up with the tension that is here." Kono figured there was no point in beating around the bush, he clearly wanted her gone, so she might as well spit it out. "Neither of us are going to give up being apart of this team, we means we need to have each other's back and right now, I can't be sure you do." Kono snapped folding her arms firmly across her chest.
"You can't be serious?" Steve exclaimed leaning back in his chair. "Do you really think that low of me? Do you really think I would let anything happen you regardless of what is happening in our private lives?" Steve's comment was fair and it made Kono feel worse, because she did know that regardless of what was happening in their lives he would always have her back. She was pushing him, she knew she was pushing him to get a reaction, get some kind of emotion from him to earn herself that, because he had given her nothing over the last couple of days and she hated hated that.
Kono watched as Steve pushed up of his seat, his chair slamming back into the unit behind his desk, the items on the shelves rattling as she rose. "No I don't." She sighed. "I want to sort this, I want to put this right between us and make it right again." Kono huffed dropping her ass into the chair opposite his desk, leaning forward with her elbows on her knees, her head in her hands. "I know I screwed up not telling you, I know you must hate me for not telling you you're a father and I sit with that guilt everyday, but it's not fair for them out there to be treading on eggshells and John as well, if - if we're not going to be together." Kono breathed the last sentence, because maybe if he didn't hear it he wouldn't agree with her and say that would be the best option.
"I don't hate you Kono." Steve's resigned tone had her looking up as he perched himself on the corner of his desk, his knee bumping against Kono's forearm. "I just, it's had to look past the fact you kept something so big from me -" He raised his hand to stop her interruption. "I know you were doing what you thought best, and I can't imagine how hard it's been these last four years raising our son alone."
"But even if you knew you would have still missed the last fours, you still wouldn't have been in his life and he wouldn't have known you. How would it have been fair of me to tell you that I was pregnant, in the small window we spoke no more than a few weeks after I had found out myself?" It wasn't a whisper, but her voice was quiet as she looked up at Steve. "Why add that extra weight to your mind when you're out there trying to fight for your life? I know you worry, I know you think of me and the team when you should be focusing what's happening around you, if I told you and because of that something happened - I would never forgive myself." Kono explained, it was hard putting what she felt into words and even now she wasn't sure she quite got across how she had really felt that day.
"But I would have still known and I would have still be able to hold onto that information. You don't understand what it would have meant to me to know that I had a son to come home too, what it would have done while I was held in a cell twenty four hours a day, seven days a week, I'm good at what I do Kono, I would be dead by now if I wasn't." Steve answered, his tone now more amused than anything. "I want to try and make us work, it's going to take time, but I still love you, I think I will always love you, you just gotta give me time baby." Kono's heart flipped and rolled at name he used for her. Hearing it fall from his lips again meant everything to her and it gave her hope, hope that they would eventually sort things out.
"I'm sorry, if I could change it I would, I would." She repeated, realizing now that actually yes, she did regret not telling Steve and the guilt was as bad as it wa because she regretted not telling him she was pregnant when they spoke. She had been in denial with herself for so long that admitting to herself she had been wrong about her choices would have made her worse, would have sent her into a spiral she wasn't sure she could ever come back up form. "I was wrong, I'm so sorry." Her voice broke and tears betrayed her, sliding down her cheeks as she looked up Steve who moved quickly as she blinked.
He was crouched in front of her, one hand on her knee and one hand cradling her cheek, his thumb swiping the tears away. "I know." His words were soft and his tone made Kono cry harder, he should have been harsh, he should have shouting at her telling her she was wrong, telling her she finally seeing sense. His anger she could deal with, she could work with it; but his acceptance made her hurt more, made each breath she took hurt. He pulled her close, Kono tucking her face into to the crook of his neck, she breathed deeply, the scent which was completely him evening her breathly. Her arms around his shoulders, willing for it to never be over. His arms folded around her waist, his hands rubbing soothly up and down her back as she slowly stopped crying. Even though she had stopped they stayed like they were, holding onto each other and just breathing. Kono didn't want to release him in fear everything would go back to how it was.
"We gotta a -" The door burst open and Danny pushed in obviously not seeing Kono and Steve finally doing something to sort out their relationship. "Shit. Sorry - I'll -" Steve cut him off, Kono felt him pulling away so she released him and sat back in the chair turning her face away from Danny so she could wiped the damp streaks from her face and put on a semblance of composure.
"It's fine, we're coming." Steve answered for her, she heard the door close and when she looked to Steve who was stood beside her, there was a small smile gracing his features and his hand was extended to her. She took it like the olive branch she believed it was.
A/N: Well, with the old piece it only extended to four chapters and it was done, I have now just blown right past that and I'm halfway through chapter five. It's kinda crazy how this work is turning out to be hell of a longer now... Anyway! Hope you enjoyed the lastest chapter, let me know what you thiiiiink! Comments always welcome!