Chapter 5
After Happy saying he wanted his girl back, I explained to him that I needed time to think. I wasn't just going to jump back in and him think that everything is fine when it isn't. He tells me he understands and we get up and ready for the day. Walking up to the bar, TO hands me a cup of coffee and Quinn walks over. "Morning Rane." I say. "Morning Mira. Ready to head home?" he asked. "Yeah. Think I'm gonna go visit Koz." I say. "You only visit him when your brain is in overdrive. What's up?" he asked. "Hap says he wants to be with me." I tell him. "And you don't?" he asked. "I do but just don't know if I can go through that again. I don't know if I can really trust him again." I say. He nods and I finish my coffee before heading out the door.
Walking through the cemetery, I put flowers on the graves of Tara, Opie, Donna and Jax. I walk over to the military section and place flowers on the graves of JT, Half-Sack and Piney before finding my best friend's grave. I put the flowers down and sit, leaning against his headstone. "Hey Hermy." I say as I lean back against the cold stone. I used to lean against him all the time when we would talk about shit. "I finally came home and realize just how much I miss you. I need you right now, Koz. Shit's so fucked up and I don't know what to do. I left because he abandoned me after I lost the baby. Now that I'm back he has gone from treating me like the shit on the bottom of his shoe to sleeping in my bed like he's trying to protect me. He is so fucking confusing. I don't know if I can handle it again. What if he abandons me again? I can't go through that again." I say to the stone, trying to work my thoughts out. After an hour of sitting there and thinking, I get up and decide that I don't want to get hurt again and he needs to know that before we get into anything.
I pull into the lot at the clubhouse and I asked Rat where Happy was. "In his dorm I think." he says. I thank him and head towards the door. It was unlocked and I opened it but didn't expect to see what was happening. He was laying on the bed and a croweater was sucking him off. He opens his eyes and looks at me and pushes the croweater away. I turn and run out the door with him following me, calling my name. I get to my car and he grabs my arm. I pull away from him and say "Get the fuck away from me. You tell me you want to be with me and then I walk into that shit? Fuck you Happy. Stay the fuck away from me." I tell him. I get in my car and leave.
I get to Quinn's house and start packing my shit. Quinn walks in and asked where I'm going. "I need to get out of here for a few days." I say. "Where are you going?" he asked. "I don't know. I'll check in with you and my brother though." I say as I grab my bag and walk out the door to my car. "What happened Mira?" he asked. "Happy happened. Tells me this morning he wants to be with me and then I walk in this afternoon to him getting his dick sucked by a fucking croweater. I don't know if I am coming back but if not, I'll send for my things." I tell him, getting into my car and pulling out of the driveway.
I didn't stop until I reached Tacoma. I knew I had enough clothes for at least a week. I pull up to the old house that we still owned for when we visited and unlocked the door. I walk in and sit down on the couch and just cry. My phone had been going off and I had been ignoring it. I look and see text messages from Happy, Quinn, my brother and Venus. Ignoring the messages, I call Venus. "Hey V. You alone?" I asked. "I am. Where are you?" she asked. "I can't tell you. I don't think I'm coming back this time." I tell her. "What happened?" she asked. "After telling me he wanted to be with me, I walked in on him with a croweater. I can't do this. Please tell my brother and Quinn that I will send for my things when I figure out what I am doing?" I plead. "Of course. Please check in with me and let me know you are okay." she says. "Of course." I say before ending the call.
An hour later, there was a knock at the door. Knowing that no one knows I am here, I get my gun out of my purse and look out the peephole. I see Lee, Tacoma's president. I open the door and let him in. "How'd you know I was here?" I asked. "Your brother called and wanted me to see if you had come here." he says. "You tell him yet?" I asked. "No. But you need to tell me what's going on." he says. I look at him and sigh. Sitting down next to me, he waits on me to start. "You remember when I left Charming last time?" I asked. "Yeah, your brother was freaking out." he says. "Well, for a few months before that, I was messing around with Happy. He had to take me to the ER one night and we found out that I was having a miscarriage. I guess he freaked and he started acting like I didn't exist and flaunting croweaters in front of me so I left." I tell him. Lee looks at me shocked. "I didn't know I was pregnant. Neither did Happy. So, I left. I came back a couple of weeks ago and he was treating me like shit. Acting like he hated me and like I was a piece of shit. Then, I was attacked a few nights ago. He barely left my side. Sleeping next to me so that I could actually sleep. Making sure I was okay. He told me this morning that he wanted to be with me and that he wanted me back. This afternoon, I walk in on him with a croweater. So I left again. I won't be here long. Just a few days until I figure out my next step." I tell him. "You call me if you need anything."
Back in Charming, Venus walks into the clubhouse and says "I heard from Mira. She won't tell me where she is but I don't think she's coming back." she says and they all look at Happy. Tig looks at him and says "Ring." and walks out the door. They get in the ring and Happy doesn't even fight back. Tig gets in blow after blow and doesn't stop until Happy is laying on the mat. He refused to fight back knowing he deserved this. "You hurt her again. Why can't you just leave her alone? You realize she's not coming back? That means she has no protection. No one. Anything happens to her, Hap and I swear to God I will kill you myself." he seethes as he gets out of the ring, leaving Hap there.
Chibs comes out of the clubhouse, hanging up his phone. "Lee called. She's at the old house in Tacoma." Chibs says. "Tig, you and Quinn go get her." Chibs says. "No, this is on me. I'll go get her." Happy says. "You stay the hell away from her. You've done enough damage." he says.
Sitting in the tub at the house in Tacoma, I sit there thinking about my next move. I feel more tears run down my face and all I can think about is Happy. I love him so much but what is so wrong with me that he doesn't love me back? The more I think about shit the more depressed I get. Getting out of the tub, I walk over to my duffle bag and pull out the bottle of sleeping pills that I got before leaving Charming. I stole them from my brother's stash. Opening the bottle, I take a sip of wine and take one. Then another. Then another. After I feel I have taken enough to do the job, I sit there on the couch and sip my wine. I start to feel sleepy and let my eyes drift when all of a sudden I hear shouting and it all goes black.
I wake up in a hospital room with my brother, Quinn, and Happy all sitting around. I roll my eyes and the first thought is that I can't even kill myself right. My brother opens his eyes and sees that I am awake. "Miranda Jane what the fuck was that shit?" he asked pissed off. I don't respond. Quinn and Happy are there in a heartbeat. "Tig, hey, step back." Quinn says before coming to my side. "Hey little sister. How are you feeling?" he asked. I still don't say anything and look over at Happy and see the hurt in his eyes. I finally find my words. I look at Happy and asked "What are you doing here?" He goes to speak and I stop him. "You know what? I don't care. It's just lies anyway. Rane, get him out of here please. I don't want him near me." I say and Quinn starts leading him to the door. "Just give her some time." he says before Happy backs away out of the room.
Quinn walks over to me and asked "What were you thinking?" I look from him to Xander and just shake my head. "That's not good enough. Talk to us." Xander says. "I don't want to be here anymore. I'm so tired of being alone and I can't go back. I need you all to leave me alone. Please." I almost beg. "I'm not going anywhere. You're coming back home as soon as they release you." Tig says and I just look down at my hands and say "Okay." I am on a 72 hour hold for suicide watch.
A little later, Tig and Quinn go to get us something to eat and Happy walks in. Sitting on the side of my bed, he takes me hand in his and caresses my cheek. I pull away from him. "Why did you do it?" he asked. "Doesn't matter." I tell him, pulling my hand out of his. "Was it because of me?" he asked. I don't answer and I don't look at him. I start playing with the ring that I still wear that he gave me for my eighteenth birthday. He had given it to me the first time he told me he cared about me. I slid it off my finger and placed it in his. "Please go." I tell him. He takes my hand and puts it back on my finger and says "I'm not going anywhere. Neither are you. Baby, I am so sorry." he says. "Don't." I say. "No, you need to hear this." he says. "I don't need to hear anything. You know I went to see Koz?" I asked. "I talked to him about us. Decided that I wanted to figure this shit out and make it work with you. That's what I was coming back to tell you." I said. He puts his forehead to mine and says "Please forgive me." I close my eyes and gently push him away and say "I can't." before turning over, away from him and saying "Please leave."
A couple of days later, I am released and my brother put his bike on the trailer that SAMTAC loaned him and he drove me back in my car. I didn't say a word the entire time. "You hungry?" Xander asked. I just shook my head no. He tried to take my hand to comfort me and I just pulled away from him. We stopped for the night at a hotel and got a double room. Happy slept on the couch, Xander in one bed and Quinn in the bed with me. I didn't sleep though. I couldn't knowing he was just a few feet away. I look over and see Happy watching me. He stands and walks over and takes my hand. Pulling me up out of the bed, he leads me to the bathroom. Closing the door, he sits down on the toilet and pulls me in between his legs. Putting his arms around me, he holds me close and says "Please don't leave me. I messed up. I know. Please let me make this up to you. Prove that we can make this work." I don't say anything. I feel him take my hand and pull me into his lap. He turns his wrist over and shows me a beautiful set of angel wings. Small but beautiful. "I did this after you left. It's for our angel baby." he says. I run my finger over the ink and start to tear up. "Hap. I don't know if I can." I tell him. "Please. Just give me a chance. I'm not asking you to take me back right away, just let me prove it to you and when you are ready, then be with me." he says. "Okay." I say. He kisses me softly and holds me close. "I love you little girl." he says but I don't say it back. I love him more than anything but I can't let him back in. We walk out of the bathroom and he tucks me back in and kisses me softly and says "See you in the morning baby." After he lays on the couch, I turn my back away from him and facing Quinn's back and let the tears fall.