Inspired by one-of-clayr's What If Chouji x Kakashi, and dedicated to the reviewer spottedstar2... you know what for.
"Oh dearest Chouji... why couldn't you have been on my squad?" Kakashi moaned softly as he watched said member of the Akamichi clan. "I wouldn't leave you alone like Asuma does... oh so hungry... I would take you to all-you-can-eat buffets every day, I would train you in sumo, I'd bring you boxes of doughnuts everymorning..."
Kakashi sighed as Chouji went off with his team, leaving him to close his shades and turn around to look at the Icha Icha posters surrounding his room, with secret photos of Chouji strewn about the floor. "Soon Chouji... soon... you will be my widdle butterball, and I will keep you rotund!" Looking around the room shiftily, his hand lowered down to his pant's zipper. "Well... since we're alone my dear..."
Meanwhile, a few blocks away, Chouji shuddered and looked at Shikamaru. "Hey Shika... ever feel like some pervert's jerking off all over stalker pictures of you?"
"That... was oddly specific Chouji..." Shika replied, blinking at his big boned friend. "Why would you think something troublesome like that?"
Chouji just shrugged and continued on his way. "Just did... and I feel like going on a diet... and getting a dog with anger issues... a big one..."
"I'm sure it's just your imagination Chouji..." Shika reassured him while slinging an arm over his shoulders. "Let's go get some BBQ, I'll pay this time."
"Okay..." Chouji answered looking around nervously, "As long as you think it's just that..."