CHAPTER SEVEN

By the time we got back from the cistern, I was half blind from the headache. All I wanted was to crawl into some dark burrow and remain there for the rest of my days. I put down the loaded pitcher, slipped into the hut that served as women's quarters and dropped on my pallet.

I desperately needed to think. I laid down on my back, put a wet rag on my forehead, closed my eyes and tried to make sense of the turmoil going on in my brain.

Was there any chance that those women had a point? Was I in fact acting like a kind of sophisticated whore, accepting things from you – not material ones, granted, but still gifts, regardless of how impalpable they were? Could you possibly be thinking that I was playing some sort of game of cat and mouse with you, by the rules of which I would give in to you in the end?

There was only one honourable course of action: I would have to go to you and turn down the privileged position you had granted me. I was not, and I did not plan to become, your concubine, therefore I should not accept any of the privileges that might come with that role.

You would be angry, of course, but how deeply? To the point where you'd sell me off, or give me away? Considering your infamous temper, it might be a dangerous attitude to take, I said to myself with some trepidation. Perhaps I should think it through a little better…

No. I wouldn't have you or anyone else thinking I was "stringing you along", as those girls had put it. Dangerous or not, I would do the honourable thing and that was that.

And it was best to do it sooner rather than later, before I let other considerations rob me of my courage.

I sat up gingerly, testing the throbbing in my head. The coolness inside the hut and the wet rag had helped, and I was feeling a little better. I stood up, straightened my clothes, fixed my half undone braid and went looking for you.

You were standing outside your tent with Patroclus and Alcimedon, engrossed in some kind of archery contest. I watched for a while, then walked up to you.

"Son of Peleus", I said, addressing you formally, "I would need to have a word with you, please."

You seemed surprised, but nodded and led the way into your tent.

"Well?", you asked.

I hesitated, not knowing quite how to begin.

"You have been very kind to me so far", I said at last, tentatively. "I am grateful to you for all the things you gave me, the respect with which you've treated me and the trusted position you have granted me." I stopped. It was a tricky issue and I didn't really know how to bring it up. I was an idiot, I thought to myself angrily, any fool with an ounce of brain would at the very least have prepared her speech before barging out to talk to you.

"Anyway", I trudged on doggedly, "I found I can't meet all the expectations you may have from me." There, it was said. You would surely understand what I meant. I breathed in deeply, bracing for your inevitable outburst of rage.

You were looking me up and down with your usual inscrutable face.

"What expectations?", you asked calmly. "So far you've delivered very well on everything I entrusted you with."

Were you deliberately refusing to understand? I wiped my sweaty palms on my skirt.

"Well, this position you gave me… I've been thinking about it and there are some implications that I can't really fulfil, so I think… I assume… I mean, it should be held by some other woman, one who is willing to… who is available to…" There was no doubt about it: I was squirming and you were enjoying it.

More than enjoying it, you were actually trying not to laugh. I became seriously annoyed:

"You know very well what I mean. You gave me the position of a concubine, but I am not your concubine, nor do I intend to be. Not ever. So…"

"So you'd rather become a water girl, is that it?"

Your voice remained as calm as before, but the hint of amusement had disappeared from your face.

"Yes, that's it." I breathed in again. It wasn't it, being a water girl was not at all what I wanted, but it was better than feeling like I might be playing less than honourable games.

"Because you don't intend on selling what you assume I am trying to buy from you?" Your voice was now lower, darker. I shuddered. The rage was coming and I had no idea what form it might take. Still, I nodded in confirmation.

"Yes."

You paced all the way to the far wall, then turned around abruptly:

"Well, let me clarify a couple of things for you, former queen of Lyrnessus." Your voice cut like a bronze blade, every word was meant to wound. "Firstly, I don't buy that kind of favours from women. They either give them to me freely, or they don't. Up to now, I have not had reason to complain of lack of bedmates. Secondly, I did not appoint you as my concubine, I appointed you as my governess. That's what you are, all that you are, and I happen to be pleased with your services thus far. So my expectations from you are that you carry on fulfilling your duties in my household and not bother me with your wishes or lack thereof regarding the possibility of sharing my bed. Do you think you can meet these expectations?"

Halfway through your speech I was already blushing violently, when you finished I was actually shivering in humiliation. But I clenched my fists, raised my head and straightened my back.

"Yes, I can. Sir."

"Very well. You may go, then."

I turned and walked to the door, tears pricking at my eyes. "All I wanted was for you not to think I was leading you on", I muttered furiously to myself.

"Wait!" It was a bellow of command, your projected voice hitting me like a physical blow. I froze on the spot, turned warily back to face you.

"What's that you said?"

I looked up at you, not understanding. "I beg your pardon?"

"Just now, what did you say?" Somewhere in the depths of your unreadable, blank face there was an alertness, something watchful and scrutinizing like the focused, assessing eyes of a predator.

"I said that I just didn't want you to think I was leading you on", I replied in a whisper, losing my battle to contain the tears of shame that were now dripping down my cheeks.

You studied me for a long time, without saying a word. Then your features softened slightly.

"You mean you came to tell me that you didn't want me because you were worried I might think you were leading me on?"

I nodded helplessly.

"You were worried what I might think?", you pressed.

"Yes", I said. "I figured that is was dishonourable to accept the special treatment you were offering me, because it might lead you to believe… well, it might lead you into false hopes. You've acted quite decently toward me, so I wanted to make sure I was decent to you as well. At least, that my intentions were clear to you." I paused. "Of course, I needn't have worried after all."

You stared at me a while longer, then shook your head.

"You really are one of a kind", you said, more to yourself than to me. Then you started pacing again. Finally, you stopped in front of me.

"Alright. I'm sorry I was so aggressive just now. You had hurt me, so I hurt you back." It was uncanny, how you could make that sound not as an apology, but as a mere statement. "You were right on a few things, wrong on others. It's true that I am interested in you. Have been since I first saw you at the walls in Lyrnessus. I liked the fact that you were not pretending to grieve for your husband more than what you were actually grieving. I know you thought I was criticizing you, but I was not. I appreciate honesty and it's rare enough to come across a woman who is honest about her feelings, who doesn't pretend in order to conform to what conventions require of her. While we're at it, let me tell you that I also admired the fact that you didn't succumb to fear either, and expressed your not very flattering wishes to see me burn, quite vehemently, that same day." You smiled crookedly, then became serious again. "On the other hand, you were absolutely wrong about 'leading me on', as you put it. Your intentions, or rather, your lack of intentions regarding me have been perfectly clear from the start. I would even say, painfully clear." You shook your head again. "When I chose to make a wild bet on you, it was a risk I was entirely aware of. So, no, you needn't have worried, but not for the reasons you were thinking."

I was speechless. You had been drawn to me because of something most would have considered a flaw? And you were confessing so freely to being interested in me, admitting so lightly that you knew I didn't reciprocate that interest?

You definitely defied understanding.

You walked over to the table, poured some wine into two cups, then handed me one.

"Here, have a drink. If I didn't know you better, I'd say you were about to faint." You poured some drops on the ground, as a libation to the gods, then took a good swig off your cup.

"Now that we got all this out of the way, let me make my intentions as clear as yours." Your lips broke into that mischievous smile that made you look as young as you actually were. "I have been after you and I fully intend to carry on doing so. I will go on treating you as I believe you want to be treated, until I find a way to breach those walls you built to keep me out. I'm telling you this so that you're aware of what you can count on, that you may not accuse me of having lulled you into a false sense of security. You know, because I don't want you to think I'm leading you on." Your smile grew into a grin and I experienced a sudden wish to hit you about the head with my cup, but instead I realized I was actually smiling back. "May I also say that I find that your worry about what I might think of you, and your care not to lead me into false hopes, are a sign that you're in fact more receptive to me than you say you are. Rather encouraging, really."

Now I definitely wanted to hit you.

"So, the challenge is on", you concluded. "We both know what the other is about. I would say may the best man win, but since you're not a man, that wouldn't sound very appropriate."

"No, it would not", I agreed. "So let's make it may the best player win."

Then I froze, appalled. Had I just fallen into your trap? Agreed to think of the whole thing as a game, a challenge? You laughed heartily and I blushed.

"You are one of a kind, you know?", you said, softly now. "In more ways than one. Listen, I had been meaning to do this for a while now, so here goes: I want you to start eating with me. Pick two girls to keep you company: Iphis, because of Patroclus, and another one of your choice, and set a women's table in my tent, across from the men's. From now on, you'll be the hostess in my house."

I nodded reflexively and walked out, feeling like the world had just toppled upside down on its axis.