almythea: Thank you for your review. Romantic was the general idea, yes. Never exactly smooth sailing, though. :)

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

Your eagle rose up in the air, so high it became nothing but a dark speck against the whitish blue of the morning sky. Then it dove dramatically, at a terrifying speed, its wings tucked in against its body. When it seemed inevitable that it would crash on the ground and be vaporized by the violence of the impact, it suddenly spread its wings and soared upwards again.

It was a courtship flight, I realized with a smile. I'd heard of it, but had never seen it before: the nuptial dance of eagles, rising as high as they can, then diving down to earth at full speed, then up again, in an apparently life threatening display of their skills as hunters. From what I heard, they usually do it as a pair, their feet clasped together in the downward plunge. But this one lacked its companion – or maybe the companion was an old woman still in human form.

I laughed out loud. Yes, that looked quite a bit like our own courtship, with its joy and its grief, its often painful ups and downs.

o-o-o

I woke up in the morning to find you laying on your side, watching me with a tenderness it was hard to imagine you capable of, your fingers running through my hair in gentle movements, light as feathers.

You smiled. "Did you sleep well?" I nodded and smiled back, reached out to caress your face. You placed a kiss on the palm of my hand, then looked back into my eyes, a crease of concern forming on your forehead.

"Are you alright?", you asked. "No regrets?"

I shook my head, surprised. "None whatsoever, why?"

You seemed to be struggling to find the right words to express yourself. "Yesterday… I hope you didn't feel pressured into saying yes. I wasn't trying to give you an ultimatum. That wasn't the idea at all." I made to speak, but you put a finger on my lips. "Hush. Hear me out, please. It's important for me that you understand this. I never meant to put pressure on you. I honestly thought… Well, I really had lost hope of ever winning you. Knowing I was going back to battle didn't help either. It's hard to go back after a break, you know. When you're fighting every day or so, it becomes a sort of routine and you don't really think much about it. You just focus on doing the best you can, staying alive and bringing back your men in one piece as well. But when you get away from it for a while… well, you start thinking. Of all the things you really don't want to think about. Like why you're fighting in the first place. What all the pain, and danger, and sacrifice is for. What the hell you're risking your life for, why the hell you're taking the lives of men you have really nothing against." You paused, gathering your thoughts. "I fight hand to hand, as you know. I see their eyes when they're trying to kill me and I see their eyes when I kill them. It haunts my dreams. Sometimes it haunts my waking hours too."

I leaned over to kiss you, deeply moved by that unexpected opening of windows into the hidden places in your soul. We held each other tightly for a while, then you went on, speaking into my hair:

"Anyway, I began to feel maybe everything was for nothing. The war, the fighting… and you. That you never would want me the way I wanted you and that I was going to live and die chasing a bunch of unattainable dreams." You pulled your head back to look at me again: "I'm aggressive, Briseis. When I feel cornered, I lash out. I'm also proud – I suppose that's not exactly news to you…"

You curled your lips in a crooked smile and I laughed in response: "Not really, no."

You laughed along with me, then became serious again: "So I rebelled against that sense of pointlessness with pride and aggression. If you didn't really want me, if you couldn't even see how I had been trying my best to make you feel good, to give you as much happiness as I possibly could under the circumstances, if all you were ever going to do was enjoy my attentions without ever truly reciprocating my feelings… well, then I'd better just get over you and try to at least salvage my self-respect." You paused, looking deeply into my eyes: "It never even crossed my mind it might look like some kind of ultimatum to you, an 'either, or' sort of thing. I only thought about that this morning, when I woke up to see you sleeping next to me and it felt too good to be true. So I want you to know: you're absolutely free to make any decision you wish. Whatever that decision is, you will not lose your position in my household…", you hesitated for a moment, then added softly, "…or in my heart."

You fell silent, waiting for my reply.

I pressed the sheet against my chest and pulled myself up on the bed, so I could face you while I spoke:

"I never thought of it as an ultimatum. If I had, I would probably have been furious – no, worse than furious, totally disappointed – and would have dropped you altogether. I'm not exactly devoid of pride as well, as you may have noticed by now…" I was glad to see you laugh at that, just as I intended. "Besides, it would be unworthy, both of you and of me. No, I realized it was something much deeper and more serious than that. I felt that something had broken inside you and that maybe I had helped break it. When you declared yourself defeated… it was defeat for me too. I was aware that you had been fighting for me for quite a long time, so it made sense that it would be my turn to fight for both of us. I did want you and it was time I said so." I cleared my throat. "That afternoon, I had gone looking for you to tell you that my answer was yes. But then I just couldn't bring myself to say it. Not because I didn't truly feel it, as you suggested last night, but because… well, let's say you're not the only one who isn't very comfortable discussing his feelings. I'm not very good at that either. And… yes, I did want you to come to me. You had been so aloof the past couple of days it didn't exactly make it easy for me to just go up to you and pour my heart out."

You looked terribly guilty all of a sudden: "You had gone to tell me yes? Oh, sweet Hera, I'm so sorry."

I shrugged. "Never mind. You were right when you said I just stood there waiting for you to do something, without giving you as much as a smile or a wave. You couldn't have guessed what was going through my mind." I smiled. "They say pride isn't a very good advisor… I suppose we're proof of that. But it ended well anyway. So…"

You grinned so much it seemed your face would split in two. "It did end well, didn't it?"

I grinned back, nodding, then glanced teasingly at you and asked:

"Did you really think my being here was too good to be true?"

You shrugged somewhat sheepishly: "Yes, well… I've been blessed with a healthy amount of confidence…"

Try as I might, I couldn't hold back an uncontrollable fit of laughter:

"A healthy amount of confidence? That's got to be the understatement of a lifetime!"

You stuck out your finger and gave me a mocking frown: "Don't you think you're allowed to make fun of me now, woman!" I laughed some more and you shook your head, feigning despair. "As I was saying, I've been blessed with a healthy amount of confidence, but not so much as to delude myself into believing I'm some kind of Zeus' gift to women. Even if I'd ever had such delusions, you would have provided a cure for them – and a quite harsh one, I might add."

Your smile was crooked again, as teasing as mine, and I could only return it in kind: "Not too harsh though. You bounced back pretty quickly."

"You think so?" There was a provocative look in your eyes while you hooked your finger on the sheet covering my chest and made to pull it down. I slapped your hand away and we both went back to laughing.

Wondrous Aphrodite, it felt good to laugh with you!

When the laughter subsided, our eyes locked on each other, playfulness shifting slowly into something warm, intense, spellbinding.

"Last night was the most magical I ever had", you said softly.

I felt my cheeks turn red. "It was magical for me too", I admitted in a whisper.

I never really knew whether the sheet slid down on its own or whether you had anything to do with pulling it. But I didn't really care either way.

It just felt good to be in your arms.

o-o-o

The men were forming in lines, getting ready to march. You had returned from a meeting with the other kings, finished your pre-battle breakfast with Patroclus, put on your armour and were now holding a quick briefing with your captains in your tent. You had not asked me to leave, but I knew better than to risk distracting you when you needed to focus solely on gathering your strength and your wits, or to embarrass you by imposing my presence when you were discussing battle plans with your warriors.

So I had gone for breakfast with Iphis in the women's hut and went about my morning duties, distributing the daily tasks among the servants. But now I was waiting outside, struggling to cover up the anguish that was rising steadily to overwhelming proportions.

Iphis drew up next to me and I recognized in her dilated pupils and pale cheeks a mirror image of my own ill-disguised fear.

"So this is how you've lived all these years, is it?", I asked, careful to keep my voice down. She nodded, choked, then she took my hand and squeezed it.

"I've always trusted your man to bring mine back, so you can trust him to bring himself back as well."

She meant to comfort me, but I felt the burden of responsibility weighing on your shoulders with a clarity I had never realized before. Your men trusted you with their lives – every single one of them, from Patroclus to the last common foot soldier who brought up the rear of the battle formation. It was up to you, not only to lead them into battle and victory, but also to ensure they came out with their lives and limbs.

It was no wonder you seemed to be always on the edge. No wonder you were so quick to rage, so careful to keep your softer emotions under check, no wonder you could be so difficult to deal with.

No wonder that the perspective of going back to fighting had driven you close to your breaking point and led you to question everything, including me.

But understanding all that only fanned my fear into outright terror. How far would you go for your men? That wasn't even really a question anymore: you had given me the answer the day you'd been injured. I jumped down to fight alongside the guys. I'm always on the front line.

You'd go as far as it took. And if the man in danger was Patroclus… you'd go all the way to Hades' gates and back for him.

Iphis was right to trust you to bring her man back. But that was the very reason I couldn't be sure you'd bring yourself back as well.

You walked out of your hut at the vertex of a wedge formed by Patroclus, Automedon and your five captains, your armour glittering in fiery bronze colours, your helmet tucked under your arm. Your hair shone like solidified sunlight and, just like that distant day when I'd seen you for the first time, you raised your spear to salute your men.

You delivered a short speech in your dialect, responded to your men's cheering with another salute and walked over to your chariot. You were so focused you hadn't even seen me, I thought to myself. Maybe it was for the best though: I wouldn't be able to disguise my anguish and I didn't want to distress you.

But I was wrong. You set down your shield and your spear in the chariot, turned back and strode up to where I was standing.

"Don't cry for me while I'm alive", you said, a strange intensity in your voice. "Not ever." You cupped my face in your palms and added, more softly: "Just please pray for my return."

I nodded and managed to answer through the knot tightening my throat: "I will." Then I somehow scraped enough courage from the depths of my terrified heart to force my lips into a smile: "I'll be waiting for you. Don't you dare let me down, you hear?"

You smiled as well: "That's it. That's exactly what I need to see before I go. That lovely smile on your lovely face." Your fingers lingered a moment longer on my cheeks. "Thank you."

Then you turned away, climbed on your chariot and left for battle.

I stood watching the Myrmidons march out, my back rod-straight, my head defiantly high, my eyes dry as the desert, and a stream of prayers rising in my soul.

"May wise Athena guide your steps, strengthen your arm and steady your hand. May mighty Zeus rain his favour upon you. May the immortals protect you and bring you back to me. May they have mercy. May they have mercy. May they…"