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Warning: We're still on the darkest stretch of Achilles' story. This chapter broaches topics of cruelty and violence. It was actually rather difficult to write.

CHAPTER THIRTY THREE

When the day broke, you stood up slowly and walked over to Iphis and me.

"I will be organizing games in honour of Patroclus after the funeral", you told her. "I'll need your help to sort out his things, so that I can pick a few items to put up as prizes for the winners."

I watched you intently. Although your tone was clipped, sounding pretty much as it usually did when you were giving orders to your men, you seemed calmer than the previous night, much less cold and distant.

Iphis nodded in agreement and made to get up to do what you asked, but you weren't finished yet:

"Wait. More importantly: after all this is over, you'll be free to go back home. You'll go as his widow, not his former slave. Patroclus entrusted me with a dowry for you, to be given to you in case something happened to him. That dowry is rather significant, but I'll double it anyway. You should be able to do alright with it."

Iphis opened her mouth to say something, but you raised a hand to stop her: "This has all been agreed between me and him years ago. I'd take care of you in case the worst happened to him, he'd take care of Briseis if I were to fall." My mind flashed with a memory of Patroclus telling me that, before you and I had even got together. It seemed as if it had been in another lifetime.

"But if you fear you might not be welcome back by your people", you went on, "you're very welcome in my house. You'll always be a sister to me, the beloved of my dear friend and brother."

There was real warmth in your voice and eyes now. I swallowed through a lump in my throat. Iphis' eyes filled with tears. She stood up abruptly and pulled you into a bear hug. I don't think she had ever done anything remotely like that before. The two of you got along well enough, but there had never been any real familiarity. You were a king, after all, and very few people were allowed to come truly close to you, either physically or emotionally.

You returned the hug awkwardly, looking rather unsure of what to do, and Iphis stepped back, seeming to be a bit embarrassed herself.

"I'm sorry", she said. "I just… It felt good to hear that. Thank you."

"There's nothing to thank", you said. "It will be my pleasure."

The warmth in you remained and I felt there was still hope after all. I nearly smiled.

Unfortunately, that hope proved to be an extremely short-lived one. As I would soon find out, your downward spiralling had only just begun.

Patroclus' funeral started normally enough – his pyre was built, his body, cleaned and dressed in rich clothes and armour, was laid on top of it, then all the Achaean kings, including Agamemnon, arrived to pay their respects, both to the deceased and to you.

Remarkable was the fact that all the kings brought their men with them, all dressed up in polished armour, and had them form in ranks and march by Patroclus' pyre in an impressive homage from the entire Achaean army to the man who had first changed the tide of battle and, in truth, lost his life to save them. It was entirely deserved, I thought to myself, noticing that Iphis seemed immensely pleased.

Then came the time to light the pyre. You stepped up to the pile of wood and signalled to Alcimedon. He nodded, turned on his heel and returned soon after leading a column of twelve Trojan prisoners you had brought back from battle the previous day.

I frowned in confusion. It made no sense. Even the common Achaean soldiers had left, as that most solemn moment was to be witnessed only by the assembled allied kings and nobles, the Myrmidons, as comrades in arms of the fallen man, and we, the women of your camp who were there to lead the mourning. Why would you want enemy warriors present for it?

The prisoners were brought forward, with their hands tied, and forced to kneel at the foot of the pyre. And I felt my heart drop. I just hoped I was wrong. You could not be reviving that cruel ancient rite. You couldn't! It had been all but abandoned in the last generation.

Iphis' fingers dug painfully into my arm. "What's he doing?", she whispered. I only shook my head, too terrified to speak.

You stood in front of the line of prisoners, your face completely devoid of any kind of expression. There wasn't even pain in it. It was as if you felt nothing at all. As if there was no heart beating in your chest. I swallowed in a dry throat.

You raised your arm, a knife glinting in your clenched hand, and slit the first man's throat.

I screamed. Then Iphis jumped forward, screaming as well: "No! Patroclus would never…"

I pulled her back harshly, covering her mouth with my hand. "Don't! He may turn on you!" And I felt myself freeze inside. Did I really mean that? Did I really think you might turn on her, on anybody, like some kind of rabid dog?

Tears began to stream down my face. Iphis had lost Patroclus to death, but I had lost you to madness. There was no doubt left in my mind anymore.

You didn't react to the small commotion we had caused. We were at the back of the crowd, beyond the lines of kings and nobles, so it was possible you hadn't heard. Or maybe you were just too far gone to pay any heed to women's screams.

Iphis buried her head in my shoulder, in order not to have to see what was happening, but I forced myself to watch on as you moved from prisoner to prisoner, killing them one after the other. Your movements were precise and efficient, even methodical. At least, it was quick. You didn't make them suffer.

Well, that's assuming that seeing your comrades being murdered and knowing that you'll share the same fate is not suffering… It was unbearable.

Once your grim task was completed, the bodies of the dead Trojans were thrown to the foot of the pyre, along with the sacrificed animals. It would be their place for eternity: to serve Patroclus as slaves. That's what the rite meant and why you had done it. But understanding the meaning and the reasons behind it didn't make it any more acceptable.

Finally, you picked up a torch and set everything in flames. It was fitting, I thought to myself bitterly. Apparently, burning everything to ashes was what you did best. My heart certainly felt that way.

o – o - o

"I take back everything I said last night."

Iphis was almost growling. The funeral was over, Patroclus' ashes had been buried, and now you and the allied kings were partaking in the games you had organized in your friend's honour. The female captives had been dismissed, so Iphis and I had gone back to the women's hut.

"You can't stay with him", she continued. "He's already too far gone. Not even you can pull him back anymore. He's become dangerous." She began to pace nervously. After a while, she stopped in front of me and grabbed both my hands. "Listen, I'm going to ask him to let you come with me. I'll say that I want to go back home, that I trust I will be well received, but that I need the company of my own best friend to help me through this time of mourning. He's bound to relate to that. I'll imply it would be only for a while, that you'd come back once I'm doing better."

I stared silently at her. I felt completely numb, empty. Tired to the bones. I couldn't even think.

"He may not like it", Iphis pressed on, "but I don't think he'll refuse. I'm the 'beloved of his dear friend and brother', after all. I'll remind him of that, if need be. Alright?" She paused, waiting for an answer I couldn't find it in myself to give. "Come on, say it's alright."

"Would you take a risk like that for me?", I asked at last, my voice barely audible. I couldn't deny it: I was scared of the violence I had seen in you. I was scared of what you might do. "What if he becomes violent?"

Iphis nodded. "That's exactly why I'm doing it. What if he becomes violent to you?" She took a deep breath. "I wasn't being ironic just now. I believe that he meant what he said about being willing to take me in as a sister because of Patroclus. And it's precisely because it was Patroclus who entrusted him with my protection that I trust I'll be safe enough with him, at least for the duration of a conversation, even if it's a difficult one. But to live with him? To be permanently around him, subject to his mood changes, the way he is now?"

I hesitated. Iphis insisted: "Don't delude yourself, Briseis. He's out of control. He may not even want to harm you, I honestly believe that if he was his normal self he never would, but, under the circumstances, you must face the fact that anything can happen."

She was right, of course. Still, I couldn't bring myself to fear you in the sense she meant.

"I know things about him that you don't", I said slowly. "I agree that he's bordering on madness and that he's proving to be capable of a kind of violence I never expected." I felt as if there was a vise tightening around my chest, making me gasp for air. "I just saw him become a murderer before my very eyes!", I almost cried in desperation. "The man I knew and loved would never, ever, have done what he just did to those prisoners. He's always killed in battle, yes, but it was in battle, before armed enemies who had a chance of defending themselves." I paused, struggling to even my breath. "Still, I don't think he can ever bring himself to harm me physically, which is what you're thinking about, isn't it? He may cause me all sorts of misery, yes, but I don't believe I'll ever be in real immediate danger with him."

Iphis shook her head vehemently: "You are deluding yourself. I'm sorry, but that's stupid. You believe his love for you will protect you? He's trying to destroy everything around him, he's trying to destroy himself. In a sense, the fact that he loves you will only put you in more danger, because, in a way, he thinks of you as a part of himself."

I stared at her in silence again. Finally, I nodded. "Yes, I suppose you have a point there. But that was not what I meant. It's not on his love that I'm counting on to protect me. It's on his own life experience. I'm sorry, but I can't explain it any better. It was something he told me in confidence. But it impacted him on a very deep level and I believe it will prevent him from ever becoming physically violent to a woman who… to his woman."

Iphis studied me with a scrutinizing look. "I may have an idea what it was. Not in detail, of course. Patroclus would never betray his friends' secrets, but I heard a few things about Peleus and Thetis and their break-up." She shook her head again. "That's no guarantee of safety, Briseis. Quite the opposite. Some of the most violent people I've heard of come from violent backgrounds."

I laughed mirthlessly: "Well then, he's violent enough already, isn't he?" I squeezed her hand. "I know what you mean and you're obviously right. But what I was saying is that the way his experiences affected him will prevent him from being violent to me."

"You can't be sure of that", Iphis warned grimly.

I nodded. "I know. Still… I trust him, Iphis. In spite of all this horror, I realized I don't want to give up on him. There is good in him, there is even greatness. What happened today… I think that was him hitting rock bottom. From there on, the only way is up."

"That's what you think. If anyone had told you this morning that, come noon, he'd be making human sacrifices, you'd say they were crazy."

I couldn't argue with that. She was right on all accounts and I knew it. I slumped dejectedly on the pallet, covered my face with my hands.

"I know. I know. But I …" I lowered my hands and looked her in the eye. "My options are to give up on everything I have tried to build over the past few years, and follow you as little more than a runaway slave to live off the mercy of your family, or to take a terrible risk. To abandon the only man I have ever loved and who has ever given me any kind of happiness, or to stay and fight for what I know I want." Iphis started to object, but I cut her off. "I can't do it, Iphis. I'm grateful for your offer, I fully understand how right you are, but I'm staying. Whatever fate has in store for me, I'll take it."

"Head high", she muttered. "I've always said you and Achilles had more in common than you realized. I just hope it won't be the end of both of you."