Supernatural does not belong to me, although I wish it did. I am simply playing in Kirpke's sandbox for a bit. All rights and ownership are the property of Kripke and the CW network. I am not making any money from this; it is for my own personal pleasure.

Synopsis: Set at the start of Season One, Dean had been in a wheelchair since his father disappeared more than a year ago and he finally has to tell Sam… There'd been an accident that night and Dean had paid a very high price….one he still doesn't understand. The story will have some hunts from season one and possibly into season two…the brothers will continue their search for their father…there will be alterations to the hunts to accommodate Dean's new situation. I have every intention of returning Dean to good health before this ends…but getting there is going to be bumpy.

Please keep in mind that I do not have a Beta, so any and all grammatical errors are my own. Not Slash. Brotherly love and Angst only… There is some language in this chapter...you've been warned.

Please Review: They make me feel guilty and write faster...

Chapter 5

Things I wish I didn't know

Sam watched as Bobby sighed and glanced back at the sleeping form of his big brother who was still cocooned in the ratty old comforter that passed as a blanket on the crappy motel bed. He looked over at the old hunter, Bobby's face was a mask of….something that Sam couldn't really recognize…anger…sadness…something. "Bobby…what happened?" Sam pressed. He watched as the old man wrestled with himself and instantly recognized the moment that he'd won and the other man turned back to him and inhaled deeply leaning back in his chair tiredly.

"You ain't gonna like it Sam." He said quietly as he leaned back even further and slumped down as the weight of what he knew settled fully on his shoulders taking a long draw on his beer.

Sam had absolutely no doubt about that…he knew that he wasn't going to like anything that Bobby had to say here. It was obvious that the older hunter knew what the hell had gone down with Dean and it was every bit as obvious that he really didn't want to talk about it…any more than his damned stubborn brother did. "Bobby…I need to know." Sam said gently, glancing over at Dean as his brother shifted slightly in his sleep pulling the blanket closer around his slim shoulders and then drifting quickly back to sleep.

"Okay…the last time that I saw your daddy and brother was three and half years ago…I ain't talked to either of them since. So whatever happened after the last time…I can't really say for sure…" Bobby looked back Dean again, and pulled his free hand across his face before he looked back at Sam.

Sam narrowed his eyes at the other man; he knew this technique…hell his brother had probably taught Bobby how to stall for time… "Bobby…" he pushed.

The other man sighed. "They showed up after a hunt in Missouri. Dean was banged all to hell and your daddy was pissed off about it." Sam interrupted him.

"So wait…let me get this straight. Dean was hurt and my dad was pissed at him for it?" Sam cocked his head to the side and looked irritated as hell as his eyes flickered back to his brother's silent form.

"You gonna let me tell this story?" Bobby said with raised eyebrows.

"Yeah…uh…sorry." Sam said as he sat back in his chair folding his arms across his broad chest and waited for the elder hunter to continue.

Bobby nodded and continued, "As I was saying…Dean was banged all to hell…but the injuries weren't right for the type of hunt they'd been on. I asked Dean about it and he just clammed up, wouldn't say a thing. But since I was the one that patched the kid up, and my father had been a rotten son of a bitch…I recognized the signs." He watched as Sam's eyebrows scrunched together as he started piecing together what Bobby was telling him…and the youngest Winchester didn't like where this was headed…not one fucking bit. "I confronted John about the bruising around his eye, the split in Dean's chin and the broken wrist…he lied at first, but I kept pushing him and he'd finally broken down and said that he'd lost his temper with Dean…something about him digging too slow or something…or it was the wrong type of 'evil' they were hunting…I don't really remember. I was so pissed Sam." Bobby's eyes narrowed and his lips thinned as he remembered that particular conversation…it hadn't gone well…for either of them.

Sam sucked in a breath of air and his blue-green eyes widened and then narrowed in a sudden surge of intense anger… "My father hit him…?" he said simply.

Bobby took another swig of his beer and looked over at the sleeping form on the bed, he sighed… "Yeah Sam…and it wasn't the first time and I'm damn sure it wasn't the last. I told John to knock that shit off or he was free to find himself another place to stay."

Sam voice was picking up intensity. "You kicked them out when you knew my father was beating Dean, using him as his own personal punching bag?" Sam asked incredulously.

Bobby rolled his eyes and reached up, pulling his ballcap off and running his hands over his grey hair and replacing it. "No…I kicked your father out…at the end of my shotgun. I told Dean he was allowed to stay…but you know your brother…he wouldn't abandon your daddy. So they both left and that was the last I heard from either of them until recently. Sam I know this isn't something you want to hear…but your brother…he needs you. He needs you Sam."

Bobby couldn't have pushed that guilty knife any deeper into Sam's chest as he watched his brother breath shallowly on the motel bed. He slumped back in his chair and scrubbed his hand down his face. "I didn't know any of this Bobby…I honestly never thought…" Sam's voice broke as he finally had a clearer picture of just what his older brother had been put up with while he was off at school…safe.

"You think I don't know that Sam? Hell, you think your brother don't know that too?" He stood and walked to the sink, dumping out the rest of his beer and reaching for water instead.

"I really thought he'd be okay…that he would just move forward in life. I didn't think that my…" he cut the word 'father' off and switched it for… "John…would ever hurt him… Dean was his little shadow. He did everything the man ever asked of him…hell, Dean…he took care of both of us." Sam's voice dropped to a whisper as the guilt poured through his system making it impossible for him to say anymore.

Bobby walked back over and laid a gentle hand on Sam's shoulder. "I know that son. And your brother…he knows that too. But it looks like life has been a lot harder on him than you…and he needs you to be strong and help him through this…he needs help Sam…and he ain't gonna come right and ask for it…cuz that just ain't Dean."

Sam nodded. He knew that even the simple fact that Dean had called him was damn amazing, but to ever think that Dean would muddy up his father's memory…yeah…well there was no way in hell that'd ever happen…not on Dean's watch. "So why do you think he's so dead set on finding John?"

Bobby shrugged slightly and then looked away as a thought occurred to him. "He might think that what happened to him that night…on that hunt is reversible? Your daddy's the only one that really knows what happened there."

Sam shook his head, his long bangs bouncing across his forehead. "No…he said he didn't think that it was…I asked already."

"Well, maybe he lied to you Sam…wouldn't be the first time that Dean lied about his motives. If he thinks that those motives might cause you any pain at all…he'd just brush 'em under the table as unimportant."

Sam chewed his lower lip as he considered the all the things that Bobby was telling him. His older brother had been his father's whipping boy for several years…and it sounded as though his leaving for Stanford had been the catalyst. He felt his chest tighten at that thought…that his going to college had caused so much pain an aguish for his brother. Sam would've done anything to avoid hurting Dean. "So this…this is my fault?" Sam whispered, his eyes filling with tears at the thought. He couldn't bring himself to meet Bobby's eyes.

"Damn-it boy! No…this is your daddy's fault. And Dean's too a little bit…he should have left or stood up for himself…but he'd been molded 'to obey' from the time he was four years old, molded to 'take orders' and 'don't ask questions'. Both of those mandates making him the perfect the little soldier…"

Sam tuned out at the word 'soldier', shit I called him that…and worse. He thought as the words that he had spat at his brother in anger flashed through his head and he leaned forward to quiet the nausea that was starting to roll in his gut. Sam's eyes flashed up to Dean in the bed and he was instantly horrified to see the confused green eyes of his brother staring at the two of them. "Dean…?" Sam said as he started to stand. Dean continued to blink slowly at them, without comprehension, causing Sam to wonder exactly how much Dean had actually heard…he now knew that some serious shit had gone down while he was gone, but he still didn't know exactly how bad it had been. Sam had no intention of pushing this kind of emotional trauma on his brother…at least not right now. Dean's was watching Sam quietly, when his eyes slipped closed and he drifted off to sleep again.

"Damn…" Bobby said as he turned back to the injured young hunter.

"God…Dean…" Sam said and turned burning eyes back to Bobby, the tears once again blurring his vision. He'd never meant to hurt his brother and yet that seemed to be all he was doing. Bobby laid a hand on his shoulder and grabbed his bag off the table.

"I'm gonna go get a room for the rest of the night; call me if you need anything Sam." He squeezed Sam's shoulder gently and then looked at the still and silent form ignorant of both of them. "I'll talk to you later kid." He looked at his boots and then left the room. Sam scrubbed his palm over his face and sighed as he walked over to his bed and then slumped down, lying so that he was facing his brother.

"I'm sorry Dean…" He whispered into the darkness.

XXXX

Sam was standing in front of a window; he was watching a scene that looked like something that he would have seen a million times growing up, on any one of the numerous hunts he'd been on with his brother. Dean was out by the Impala…he looked younger though and he was standing…not rolling in the wheelchair that Sam knew was a permanent part of his existence now. He turned and glanced around the room, it looked like anyone of a hundred rooms that they had spent their childhoods in. Sam turned back to the slowly fading light in the parking lot; he could hear his brother talking to the Impala…Okay, that wasn't all that unusual…Dean loved his car, always had. 'I know baby…I miss him too.' Dean ran his fingers along the shiny black paint.

His gaze suddenly shifted up, causing Sam to glance in the same direction. Their father came stomping into view, his face a scowling mass of anger as he marched right up to Dean and slammed his fist into the surprised young hunter's face. Red blossomed across Dean's chin, a cut opening along his jaw, as he dropped to his knees, his hand coming up to grasp at the painful area. Sam started to yell and bang on the window, in order to stop his father…but nothing got their attention. He ran to the door and pulled against the stubborn wooden barrier, only to discover that the door wouldn't budge. He sprinted back to the window and watched with rising horror as John screamed at his brother's crumpled form. Dean was holding his bleeding chin, an inch long split evident in the tanned skin, blood dripping rapidly over his fingers. But it was his brother's eyes that really got Sam's attention…they were haunted and betrayed and there was something that Sam had never seen on his brother's face before…fear.

'You almost got me killed Dean! Why can't you be better at the research…you screwed this up…again!' John was punctuating the accusations with blows to his brother's crumpled form. Sam could feel the tears starting to slide down his face as he watched his father beat his brother… 'Sam never would have made that mistake!' John screamed again and shoved Dean back to the ground.

'Sorry sir…I really thought….' Dean stammered his eyes tracking his father warily as John stalked in front of him like a caged animal, scrubbing his hand over the day's old growth of beard.

'No boy! You didn't think! That's the problem Dean, you NEVER think!' John stopped directly in front of Dean and reached down, fisting his hand into Dean's soft blonde hair and nearly yanking it from his son's head as he hauled him to his feet and slammed him against the Impala; hard. Sam winced when he heard the audible crunch of the metal frame, simultaneously wondering if Dean had broken something as well. Dean's face twisted in pain as he dropped his left hand to the car for balance, he stared at the ground, he knew better than to look his father in the eye when he was this mad.

'I'm sorry sir…I'll be better.' He said simply, the bruise on his face already starting to darken and the split in his chin dripping blood into the dusty ground beneath his shifting boots. The only thing that he'd ever wanted was for his father to think he was good enough…but apparently he needed to work harder to convince their father of his worth. Since Sam had left, he was all the man had…and he was all that Dean had. His thoughts were running unstopped through his head as he tried to put things into perspective.

John glared at him and simply wasn't willing or able to pull the last blow as his palm shot out and he slapped his son hard enough to spin the middle Winchester's face into the roof of the car. Dean grunted with pain as the ridge above his right eye smashed into the edge of the car and the immediate slash of hot liquid that began pouring down the right side of his face as a result. 'You damn well better be! Why couldn't it have been you that left…why'd it have to be Sam?' John shot out angrily as he grabbed his bag and stomped away from his stunned son. Dean's eyes widened and he hung his head in shame combined with a weariness that he'd felt every day since his brother had walked out on him.

Sam's heart was breaking as he watched his brother stand alone in the slowly fading orange light of the cooling evening sun, his eyebrow and chin still bleeding badly…his left arm curled into his side in a rare show of weakness. But it was his eyes that really tore at Sam's soul…the broken way he watched their father walk away from him…and then the slow inhale of breath as his older brother 'reset' his defenses and completely covered the hurt and the pain at being so fully dismissed by his own father. Sam watched with a sinking heart as he saw the foundations for the 'great wall of Dean' that were inevitably set in concrete that day. His brother had learned to protect himself by taking all the hurt, weakness, and the disappointment that other people saw in him and burying it so deeply inside himself that he would never be forced to deal with it…and that other people couldn't use it against him in the future.

But Sam had never wanted to hurt his brother…he'd only wanted to escape this life and what it represented. It had already stolen their mother and injured the remaining members of the Winchester family in ways that couldn't be measured and that sure as hell couldn't be healed. He didn't want that for himself…he wanted a normal life. Sam simply hadn't realized that by leaving that he was sentencing his brother to…well…this.

Sam was surprised when he felt the cold splash of tears on his hand as he pressed his face to the window in despair. He wanted to go to Dean…but he couldn't leave this fucking room, suddenly the small room lit up in a blinding flash of white light and sent agony spiraling though his head as pain pierced his brain and forced the air from Sam's lung with its intensity. He felt his knees buckle and he slid to the ground, unable to stop the descent automatically bringing his palms up to his temples in an attempt to lessen the pain.

XXXX

Dean heard the mumbled words of pain; he couldn't understand them as he hauled his fuzzy brain back to the surface of his mind. He lifted his hands and ran them slowly across his face; the pinch of pain emanating from his chest reminding him instantly of the previous day's spectral activities. He groaned in pain as he tried to shift, his arm threatening to give way beneath him as he tried to roll his upper body toward the noise…it sounded familiar…and it was raising all his internal alarms…Sam… His brain finally supplied. Dean pushed his sticky eyelids open at the sounds of his little brother in intense pain…not even being separated for the last four years or the horrendous realizations caused by the ghost of Dr. Ellicott could undo eighteen years of listening; of being fined tuned to Sam's needs and the sound of his voice. The big brother radar was still fully functional…and it was going into overdrive.

"Sammy?" he called out quietly as his eyes rolled around the darkened room. He reached over slowly and flipped on the light next to his bed and then twisted his head back toward his brother's bed. He squinted as his eyes adjusted to the light, he finally saw his brother's face…and it was pinched in pain as his hands clenched at his side…almost like Sam was having a seizure. "SAM!" Dean cried as he pushed himself onto the other side of the bed, his legs rolling over one another as he did. His chest was screaming at him in pain as he pulled his body toward the narrow opening between the two queen-sized beds. "Sam!... Come on Sasquatch…answer me!" he continued talking to his brother as he moved, once he'd reached the opening, he inhaled deeply and reached across the gap grasping onto the blankets that Sam was currently lying on top of…fully clothed, Dean noticed with dismay. He pulled his useless legs over the gap between their beds until he was laying on Sam's bed, he reached back and pulled his legs over and settled them next to Sam's, his brother was closer to the wall leaving space for him to sink into, thank god.

He reached up and gently shook Sam praying that his little brother would wake up, his terror was amplified when he was able to feel that whatever Sam was suffering from…it did feel a hell of a lot like a seizure. Sam's body was ridged and the veins in his neck were standing out in stark relief against his tanned skin. "Sammy…come on buddy…need you to wake up now…Sam!" he continued to talk as he shook Sam, reaching up and lightly slapping Sam on the cheek. He was winced when he saw the slight bruising on Sam's face where he'd hit him in the Asylum…to keep his baby brother from killing him. His mind shot back. Dean narrowed his eyes and pushed the pain of that thought to back of his mind and reached up to gently place his fingers on Sam's throat. He was relieved to feel the slightly faster than normal thrum of Sam's heart…it was strong…if faster than he'd like.

Suddenly Sam relaxed, his entire body sagged against Dean, his head lolling forward and dropping onto Dean's chest. Dean blew out a breath that he hadn't even realized he'd been holding, memories of Sam as a kid had Dean reaching up and gently carding his fingers through his little brother's, far too long, brunette hair. He whispered into Sam's forehead as he continued to try and soothe his brother. "Sam….come on man….need you to wake up now…you're scaring me Sammy…" he finished in a whisper, his own heart picking up speed the longer his brother was unconscious.

Dean had never seen Sam have a reaction like that before; he hoped to god that it didn't have anything to do with that damn 'ghost-whammy'.

Dean didn't know how long they laid there; his fingers running absently through Sam's hair…it had to be the biggest chick-flick moment they'd ever had…and his little brother had slept through the whole damn thing. But finally he felt Sam shift against his chest, his head lifting slowly and his tired ocean colored eyes connecting with the intensely relieved and massively concerned green gaze of his older brother. "You with me now?" Dean asked as he pulled away so he could get a clearer view of Sam. He hadn't even noticed that Sam was lying on his injured chest…right where he'd been shot less than twenty four hours ago….when his brother had tried to kill him. His mind shot out again, he clamped the thought down and shoved it into the Pandora 's Box that held most of his 'feelings'.

Sam blinked a couple of times and then shifted to sit up; he was somewhat surprised to notice that they were in the same bed and that there was a distinct red stain on his brother's white bandages where his head had been resting. "Dean…you okay?" Sam asked as he reached out, intent on touching his brother, but pulling back at the last second when he saw Dean's eyes shift and his body tense automatically.

"I'm fine Sam…what the hell was that?" Dean asked he shifted his weight up so he was leaning against the headboard and had a better view of Sam's face; his anger taking the place of his fear as he stared at Sam, waiting for some sort of explanation.

Sam reached up and ran his hands over his face… "I'm not sure Dean…migraine?" he said, over the stampede of buffalo pounding around, unchecked, inside his skull and making him wince in pain.

Dean narrowed his eyes and looked intently at his little brother. "You get headaches like that a lot Sam?" he asked, suddenly very concerned that his brother had been keeping something important from him. "Sam, I'm supposed to take care of you…how can I do that if…"

Sam held his hand up in a defensive manner and sighed, his bangs falling into his tired eyes. "No Dean. I don't usually get migraines like this…and I haven't been keeping anything from you." But you've been keeping stuff from me big brother. He thought silently. Sam was surprised that his brother wasn't being snarky with him…which meant that he'd somehow managed to scare the shit out his sarcastic older brother…well then that made two of them…that had gotten more than they bargained for on this trip.

Dean reached over to the nightstand that stood between the beds, grabbing the little bottle of pain pills and popping the top, handing two of the small white pain pills to Sam. "Here, take these…they'll help." He said quietly. Dean tilted his head and then nodded as he saw Sam shift and lift himself wearily off the bed, heading into their small kitchen in search of one of the fancy little bottles of water that he drank, instead of good old fashioned tap water.

Dean watched his brother with the eyes of a hawk, he wanted to know everything that was going on with Sam…No…he needed to know…he was already at a disadvantage with his injury…but he wouldn't let that get in the way of taking care of his little brother…that was job one…Sam was job one. They needed to find their father…although a part of him hoped that he never saw the bastard again…he knew that they needed whatever information he'd had on exactly what had gone down in that witch's den. Dean was more determined than ever to find the eldest Winchester and figure out how to fix this shitty situation.

TBC…

Author's Note: So the boys will be headed out towards a little town in Indiana, Burketsville…should be a 'fun town' Bobby will be tagging along on this hunt…for the sake of the storyline and then he'll be headed back to South Dakota and the boys will continue the search for John. I know some of you really don't like John and wonder why they're looking for him…well he has answers and the boys know that. Thanks to everyone that reviewed, several guests that I couldn't thank in PM's so thank you.

Please Review: I really love to hear what you guys think.