Days Without Sun
Epilogue: Healing Part II
The French doors to the balcony were open and a warm afternoon breeze swept the fragrance of blooms from the garden below into the bright expanse of Misaki's suite.
In addition to the natural light coming in numerous large windows, the overheads were on too. They had rarely been off since Misaki had been settled here and never at night.
Beyond the comfortable sitting area, in the room's double-sized bed, Akihiko and Misaki were entwined together amidst soft, white sheets.
Akihiko was reading. He lay on his side with one arm stretched out, half beneath his pillow; a novel loosely clasped in his hand. Misaki was curled into him, his forehead, now lush with tousled brown locks, rested against his chest. Akihiko's other arm was draped over Misaki's shoulder; the long fingers of this hand moved only occasionally to flick to a new page.
Sighing, Akihiko closed weary eyes and allowed the book to fall from his fingers.
It had been another very long night. Not as bad as some… thankfully. But still…
Pale eyes opened again and Akihiko lifted his head slightly. His gaze swept over his beloved's features. As always, he felt his heart filled with a multitude of emotions.
Misaki's skin had regained some of its color, helped by the short walks Akihiko coaxed him into out on the grounds now his second set of casts were off, and from the snatches of time they caught out on the balcony.
It still perplexed Akihiko somewhat that, rather than cherish open spaces, now finally freed from his imprisonment, Misaki seemed terrified of them. He would only venture out when accompanied by someone he trusted and even in this he was often reluctant.
This condition, Akihiko had learned, was called "agoraphobia."
He'd been made to understand just recently that this fear of Misaki's was triggered in no small part by his initial abduction from the beach and the complex neurological changes wrought by his time as Korovin's captive. This was just part of an unfortunately vast amount of new information he'd come by of late.
He eyed his slumbering angel sadly.
Akihiko recalled a time past when he'd told Misaki that he wanted to lock him away. There was a bitter irony in this memory now that Misaki was all but glued to his side and his task at present was to set him free, to force him gradually back into the world.
Looking down at his boy, fitfully sleeping, Akihiko was determined to be as kind in this as was possible, patient too, and to help Misaki in any way he could. Although he already knew it was going to be excruciating for both of them.
Studying the sweet face below him, Akihiko longed to reach out and stroke Misaki's cheek but he refrained: Misaki could still be easily set off by unexpected touches, particularly when he slept.
At least his night terrors have decreased.
It had been two days since Misaki's last EMDR session and two nights without him waking up screaming. Akihiko wished Dr. Omari would do the sessions more often, they helped so much, but then he recalled how terribly wrung out Misaki had been when he'd returned from his last one.
He'd heard reports after the fact, that his poor boy had wailed almost throughout the entire two hour treatment. As a result, Misaki's voice was still little more than a whisper at present.
No, they both needed the breaks in between. Besides, it wasn't as if Misaki didn't have other therapies to fill his days, not to mention physical therapy for his legs, and his group sessions with the other surrvivors.
Akihiko felt a flare of ache in his bones and grunted softly. He carefully shifted stiff limbs, hoping not to rouse his drowsing partner.
While Misaki was away with all of these "appointments," he was getting various treatments himself. Akihiko wondered how long Misaki would continue to believe that the port in his arm was for the "vitamins" his "stupid Usagi" needed after taking such poor care of himself while he was gone.
A soft noise escaped Misaki and Akihiko watched his lover's face intently. It was still too thin, in his opinion. Not that he had much room to talk: he had little appetite these days and the last time he'd been so angular, he'd been in his teens.
Dark lashes quivered and beneath blue-veined lids Akihiko saw Misaki's eyes begin to move rapidly as his dreams picked up speed. He stiffened and waited until Misaki began to whimper, before at last intervening.
"Mi-chan…"
Akihiko hummed the name like a lullaby. He'd begun using the appellation when Misaki's mind had rebelled against all that had happened and returned him to a place of innocence.
In his sleep, Misaki's long-fingered hands found the edge of Usagi-san's open shirt and latched on. A muffled sob rose in his throat.
"It's okay, Mi. You're safe now… No one is going to hurt you…"
Beside Akihiko, Misaki's body quivered.
Then with a jolt, his lean frame suddenly stiffened and Misaki drew a gasping breath. Green eyes shot open, but remained unseeing, Misaki's mind still caught in his dream. Noting the terror in the gaze that met his, Akihiko drew back slightly, not wanting Misaki to feel constricted.
"Misaki, I'm right here." There were no babying tones in Akihiko's voice now, just a strong quiet statement of fact.
Misaki's dilated pupils retracted slightly and Akihiko watched as his beloved returned to him; recognition dawning slowly in the green gaze. Tears welled immediately in these newly-wakened eyes and Akihiko, knowing it was safe now, slowly brought a hand forward and, with a single finger, brushed them away.
"Usagi-san!"
Misaki barked out hoarsely and then pressed forward, wrapping thin arms around Usagi-san and pulling to him. He buried his head into the broad chest before him, using it to muffle his sobs. Wrapping his own arms around Misaki more tightly, Akihiko gathered him in. He curved his chin protectively over Misaki's dark head and made soothing, nonsense noises like his nanny had when he was a boy. His fingers stroked Misaki's hair until at last the thin body trembling in his arms stilled.
Once Misaki's shaking and sobbing subsided, Akihiko pulled back ever so slightly and pressed a soft kiss to the dream-damp forehead. He allowed his lips to rest there until Misaki finally shifted and looked up.
"Another nightmare, Love?"
Love was another pet name he'd given his "child Misaki," and his returned "adult Misaki" hadn't protested it yet, so it had endured.
Misaki sniffled and looked down. Cheeks pinking, he nodded.
"Want to talk about it?"
A dark head shook out a weary "no."
Akihiko gently caught the edge of Misaki's jaw and lifted his face. He planted a gentle kiss on soft lips. He was delighted when Misaki didn't stiffen at all, but responded. This one kiss became two, and then three.
There was no tongue, no vying for dominance here, just soft seeking and succor shared in silence.
After a few more lingering kisses, they broke apart.
Misaki brought his damaged hand to his eyes and wiped out any remaining traces of tears. Both he and Akihiko then stretched; each wincing at his own collection of aches. Neither was quite ready to leave the sanctuary of their bed, so they settled again after a few moments.
A warm finger touched his bare chest and Akihiko looked down. Misaki kept his eyes averted, though he knew he was being watched. He absently traced the raised, pink scar over Usagi-san's heart, the act oddly soothed him.
Akihiko closed his eyes and allowed the sensation of Misaki's soft touch to wash over him; a new wave of exhaustion followed.
"You know, Misaki, I almost forgot… Takahiro called this morning while you were at your PT. He asked again if you might be ready for him to come see you." He drew a deep breath when, at his words, Misaki's tracing finger halted its movement.
"But…
"W-we'll be going back to Japan soon. R-right, Usagi-san?" Misaki's voice was hoarse and low.
"Yes, Mi, in another few weeks we're going home… to our home. If you think you're ready."
Akihiko offered this slowly. He wanted to make sure that Misaki understood they would be staying together. He was also following the advice of the mental health team overseeing Misaki's case and wanted to offer him the opportunity to make some of his own choices.
"I…" Misaki trailed off. "I don't want Nii-chan to go to all that trouble… N-not when it will be so much easier for him to see me once I get back."
Akihiko knew that Takahiro would have been on a plane in an instant, but they had talked and both agreed that it was important that Misaki see him when he was ready. Dr. Himmel had spoken extensively with Takahiro, making it clear that Misaki had no feelings that what had happened to him was his fault.
It was more that Misaki felt so much shame over his multiple violations that it was hard for him to consider facing his brother. More than anything, Misaki somehow blamed himself for what he'd been through and felt that he'd let his Nii-chan down.
He was also terrified that Takahiro might try and make him to leave his Usagi-san again.
"Okay, I'll let him know that when I speak to him next." Akihiko didn't press: this was the first time Misaki had responded to Takahiro's request for a visit without breaking down.
The finger on Akihiko's chest began slowly tracing once more; the sensation was stirring. Akihiko slowly moved one of his hands and laid it gently over the wrist of the long-sleeved shirt Misaki was wearing.
Misaki stilled his hand again. He looked up at Usagi-san, his large eyes were filled with apprehension. The timidity in his gaze made Akihiko's heart clench.
"I think it's almost time for your afternoon small group. Why don't you go wash your face and run a comb through that wild mane of yours?"
In the past it would have been Misaki making such a recommendation to Usagi-san, but things had shifted between them now. This shift was also evidenced in the fact Misaki didn't become indignant at Usagi-san's words, but instead merely blushed and silently nodded. A moment later he was up and the water was running in the suite's bathroom, the door pulled, but not closed entirely.
Once Misaki had moved out of sight, Akihiko rose slowly. His pain was worse than it had been for several days and he wanted to get up and shake out some of his stiffness without Misaki's acute eyes observing him.
He was fumbling with the buttons on his shirt when a soft knock at the door caught his attention. Akihiko limped over and opened it to find two pairs of intense black eyes staring at him.
"Jadir, Santo-Justino," Akihiko stepped back with a slight bow.
Jadir dropped his head blushing and behind him Santo Justino nodded.
"Come in please."
Santo Justino pushed Jadir's wheelchair into the suite. "I think your next door neighbor was getting tired of me. Jadir said he'd like to come see Misaki."
Jadir blushed redder at the detective's words.
Santo Justino had long forgiven Jadir for faking the seizure that allowed Usami to stab Korovin. Given what the youth had endured, if anything, it was amazing to Augusto that the boy didn't hate him for saving Korovin's despicable hide.
Since the rescue, he had become a regular visitor for Jadir… the boy's only visitor. Currently on leave from his practice, when not with Aikawa, he sometimes spent hours a day keeping Jadir company.
"No, it's time for their shared group, I think. Am I right, Jadir?"
Jadir nodded at Akihiko in agreement.
"Ahhhh… I see… Glad to know I wasn't just being ditched." Santo Justino laughed lightly.
"And how are your other treatments going, Jadir? You look like you're bouncing back quickly from that last surgery. Every time I see you, you're looking more fit."
Jadir remained silent to Usami's inquiry, but then again he still rarely spoke. He lifted his arms, however, and Usami immediately noticed the complete looking hands extending from the ends of the long-sleeved hoodie he wore.
Lavender eyes watched and a pleased smile pulled the corners of Akihiko's mouth as the fingers on both hands wiggled and then clenched and unclenched in a motion that seemed just shy of natural.
"That's wonderful, Jadir. I had been told that Dr. Krantz was the world's best in prosthesis, but these look amazing."
"Yes, but it's not just the look," Santo Justino interjected. "Krantz told Jadir that he'd never had anyone adapt so quickly to using the neurological sensors and that he'd never seen anyone able to manage moving the fingers on two hands simultaneously." The detective's voice had the ring of a proud father to it.
"Well you and I both know that Jadir is a remarkable young man." Akihiko looked solemnly at Jadir as he offered this rare praise.
Jadir's dark eyes and his hands dropped to his lap, suddenly shy: while he'd always been humble in nature, after his experience with Korovin kind words were especially difficult for him to process.
"Misaki's getting spruced up a bit, I'll just go fetch him." Akihiko understood how easily the New Days' boys could get overwhelmed and didn't want to embarrass Jadir further. He addressed Santo Justino.
"Maybe you'd like to take Jadir out on the balcony? There's a pleasant breeze this afternoon."
The detective nodded but looked down for affirmation. After receiving the barest of nods from Jadir, he took up the back of Jadir's chair again and began wheeling him that direction.
In the bathroom Misaki was looking down at white knuckles gripping the edge of the marbled counter. He'd heard a new voice in the apartment and even though Usagi-san's tone indicated the newcomer was a friend, until he recognized Santo Justino's particular timbre, he'd been seized with a terrible panic.
Misaki knew what these episodes were now, but still that didn't make them any less frightening. In the midst of a panic attack, with his heart pounding, the feeling of an invisible iron-hand squeezing all the breath from his lungs, it was so hard to convince himself that he wasn't in danger.
Inhaling as deeply as he could, Misaki tried to focus on counting. He'd been taught a sequence of holding and releasing his breath that would lower his heart rate and arrest the panic response. In the midst of his next breath he raised his head.
As always now, he was shocked with the image that greeted him in the mirror: Misaki hardly recognized himself anymore. His hair was getting back to its old length and his cheeks were no longer so terribly sunken, but his own eyes haunted him and he wondered if they'd always look this way from now on.
Gazing into the mirror his memory sparked and suddenly he was back in Korovin's dungeon; his captor forcing him to look at himself in the mirror after he'd tried to run away. Misaki flashed on his shaved head, bloody with all the cruel words Korovin's scalpel had inscribed there.
His damaged hand drifted to the hem of the overlarge shirt he wore and he lifted it. While his hair covered the scars on his head, the ones on his torso gleamed bright pink still. Korovin had written half the text in reverse on his flesh, so that in the mirror the words could easily be read. They were horrible...
And true.
A wave of disgust washed over Misaki at what he'd become. He was a freak… broken… disfigured... He'd never understood what beauty it was he might have possessed before, though Usagi-san mentioned it often. But now…
I'm so hideous… a monster. How can Usagi-san even look at me.
He felt awful for all Usagi-san was going through to try and help him. He knew too, that while Usagi-san hadn't said anything, something had happened to his Rabbit while he was gone and the man was still suffering from it.
All this trouble… I'm not worth it.
This made all the recent burning he'd felt for fleshly contact all that much more terrible. Misaki couldn't understand what had come over him recently, but more than anything he wanted Usagi-san to take him. He craved feeling his lover inside him. He wanted his hollowness filled.
I'm so sordid.
The surety of this only made Misaki's chest tighter. He felt his knees buckle and sank down to the floor.
He looked up when a soft tap sounded on the door. A moment later it slowly pushed farther open and Usagi-san's worried eyes found his.
Misaki dropped his head, terribly ashamed to be seen so reduced, yet again. He wanted to push Usagi-san away when the man dropped to his knees and wrapped strong arms around him, but he couldn't. He needed Usagi-san so much. He hated his weakness.
Within the enveloping comfort of Usagi-san's arms a sudden irrational thought popped into his head, that maybe this was just a dream… and in a minute he'd wake up again in a sightless cell.
This brought on a new wave of panic.
Akihiko knew he was taking a risk, embracing Misaki without warning, but his beloved had looked so lost when he found him he couldn't bear it. Within his arms he could feel Misaki's chest hitching, his ears caught the labor of Misaki's breath. He knew immediately that his Blossom was caught in another one of his attacks.
Shifting his position, Akihiko soon had it so that he was behind Misaki, his panicking partner seated between his splayed thighs. He pulled Misaki's back against his chest and once he was sure Misaki would stay, Akihiko stretched his arms straight out on either side.
"Misaki, can you hear me?"
In front of him the dark head nodded.
"I want you to put your hands on top of mine. Okay?'
Misaki had wrapped his arms tight around himself and the idea of unfurling made him sob. Behind him Akihiko frowned: when Misaki made himself small like this it usually meant Korovin had somehow taken hold of him again. Considering this possibility he decided to try a new tactic.
"Remember what Dr. Patel taught you, Misaki? I want you to try that. Remember how simple it is… just hold your left fist closed. At the same time open and close your right one."
Dr. Patel had been using hakomi with Misaki. Akihiko had been able to attend a few sessions and was amazed at how much could be accomplished with the small body movements Dr. Patel asked Misaki to perform as they moved through their sessions.
"The closed fist is the past; your flexing fist is the present…" Akihiko mirrored Patel's words as he felt Misaki begin to make small pulses with his right hand. It seemed such an easy thing, but in the first session it had taken over half an hour for the doctor to verbally walk Misaki to a place where the fingers on his right hand had even begin to relax at all.
"Where are you Misaki?"
Misaki couldn't bring himself to speak, but his right hand opened a bit more as he flexed.
"You have the choice Misaki, to be the closed hand or the open one."
These words pulled another sob from Misaki and he splayed his right hand out wide before clenching it again.
Lavender eyes watched as the motion of Misaki's right hand became more fluid. When he saw Misaki was having little trouble with the movements now, he cleared his throat softly. "Now... Can you open your left hand Misaki?"
He felt Misaki tense at the question.
"Keep going with your right hand, Love. And don't worry, there's no hurry here." Akihiko waited patiently and a breath of relief escaped him when he saw the fingers on Misaki's left hand finally twitch.
"See, Misaki, you're here in the present. You're resilient and strong. Open, not closed."
With a few more minutes of gentle coaching, Misaki had unwrapped himself and one of his smaller hands was wrapped around a closed fist at the end of each of Usagi-san's extended arms.
"You know what to do, Mi?"
Misaki nodded. He leaned back into Usagi-san's chest and tightened the muscles of his forearms, his hands pulled back against the closed fists beneath them. He held this small tense for a moment and then released and immediately began to feel his shoulders unlock. After a few more pulls his chest opened up and Misaki felt his lungs able to draw in much deeper breaths. The increased oxygen flooded his system and he felt his anxiety level begin to drop. When it became bearable he released Usagi-san's hands and scooted forward.
Misaki pushed himself up on shaky legs. He kept his head down, fearful of catching a glimpse of himself in the mirror and starting the whole vicious cycle all over again. He felt Usagi-san rise behind him.
"Misaki?"
Usagi-san's rich voice held so much concern. Risking a glance up in the mirror, Misaki saw his beloved Rabbit's solemn, drawn face. He couldn't bear it. He found his hands once again tensed around the edge of the vanity's marble top.
"You'd be better off without me, Usagi-san… I'm such a burden now." He hadn't intended say this, but the words had been held on his tongue, burning it for weeks. Misaki fought not to cringe when he felt large cool hands on his shoulders.
Akihiko turned Misaki around and one had slipped under his boy's jaw, pulling the dark head that had dropped, back up. Misaki's eye's widened when he saw the amethyst fire in Usagi-san's gaze.
"Don't…" Akihiko choked on this first word, he was so filled with emotion.
"Don't you ever say that, Misaki. You are not a burden, you are my love and you always will be. I am nothing without you. Understand?" Akihiko's hand dropped from Misaki's chin to his beloved's scarred chest and settled there lightly.
"This is where my heart beats. Only here."
Misaki's eyes filled with new tears at these words, he whispered, "But why? Why would you…
Akihiko leaned down and stopped the question with a gentle kiss.
Their lips parted briefly.
"Please, please, Misaki… for right now, please don't question… just accept it? I need this… I need you."
There was no doubt in Misaki's mind, hearing Usagi-san's tone that what he meant what he said: his voice was raw with the truth of it. The knowledge of his lover's need filled Misaki.
I have to try and get better for Usagi-san. No... I will.
Misaki felt this resolve shoot through him like a current, energizing him. He met Usagi-san's lips with conviction when his Rabbit kissed him again. Their oral embrace deepened and became quietly frantic. They feasted on each other's lips like men starving.
Finally, Akihiko pulled back. Misaki found himself leaning forward, desperately needing more touch. He felt fevered. Akihiko studied Misaki, his face still but his eyes danced between pleasure and concern.
Misaki dropped his gaze and blushed, seeing his baggy, cotton loungers tented in the front. His cheeks grew redder when his eyes flickered over and he caught Usagi-san adjusting his own arousal.
Akihiko cleared his throat. He wanted Misaki so badly, to make love to him, but this was hardly the time or place, and beyond this he felt it was still much too early in his beloved's healing to attempt such an act.
"Jadir-kun is here. Santo-Justino-san brought him down. You two were going to meet Dr. Himmel in a new room for group today… Right?"
"Y- yes…"
Misaki hadn't been very excited about going into a strange space, but he took comfort in the fact Jadir would be with him. He knew too that Jadir was probably glad to be getting out of his room at last. He'd been confined to his bed for months while they'd waited for the specialized surgeon who'd finally arrived and two weeks ago removed the tumorous growth that Korovin had planted inside him.
Leaning forward Akihiko pressed a chaste kiss to Misaki's brow. Misaki's forehead furrowed as even this innocuous touch sent new blood to his nethers.
"I'll let Jadir know you'll be out in a minute, after you get a bit more composed."
Akihiko tried to keep the desire in his gaze in check as he nodded at Misaki's erection. Misaki, however, caught it anyway and it sent a light shiver through him that wasn't unpleasant. He watched Usagi-san slip out the door. The moment he was gone, Misaki reached beneath the band of his loungers and took hold of himself.
It was the first time he'd touched himself in this way, of his own accord, since he'd been taken. Misaki pushed aside all the confusion that his sudden desires stirred and in the two minutes it took him to come; he pretended that his heated palm was instead Usagi-san's cool one.
For some reason this story just doesn't seem to want to let itself end. This chapter ended up way longer than I had intended, but I wanted to show a glimpse of some of what Misaki is dealing with after so many readers asked about his treatments. And if I seem like a big proponent of EMDR and hakomi for healing trauma, it comes from my own experience of these healing modalities.
And yes, Jadir is alive. I'd planned for Akihiko and Santo-Justino to have a brief conversation when Misaki and Jadir left that would explain what's going on, but that will have to wait for the next chapter. *sigh
To answer a few questions posed in past reviews... for those of you who read the Uke Flu, you know that it take three months from the time of infection for the Flu to make the physiological changes in the male body that make it ready for impregnation and when the host is fertile his sexual appetite is extremely heightened… so, given our timeline Misaki in feeling his Flu fertility now.
And as to what Akihiko has been injected with... Well you are going to have to wait all the way to the Uke Flu to find that out.
Last, but far from least...
Thank you so much for all the amazing feedback on that last chapter. I was really surprised to get so much response, considering it was largely an OC chapter. It made me extremely happy. Hope you found this installment even more pleasing.
I am still going to try and hold myself to the next chapter being the last and the lemon, but we'll see. One way or the other I'll get there. It just may be a hell of a long chapter.