Dean pushed passed the guy in the hallway. He half hoped the guy would get pissed, hit him. That he could hit him back until his knuckles bled, but the guy just backed away and kept his eyes down as he went around Dean and into the bathroom.
Dean went out of the hallway and saw Sam standing close to Cas at the bar. He walked to them and patted the bar to the bartender's attention.
"Three shots of Jack," Dean said.
"I'm not doing anymore. I still have to drive," Sam said.
"Then make it four," Dean said to the bartender without looking at his brother.
"I'm going to find Steve and Ash," Cas said, starting to stand.
Dean caught his shirt sleeve and pulled him back down. "Just stay there for a goddamn minute."
Cas sat back down and Sam caught Dean's eyes over his head. He shook his head and frowned as he picked up his bottle of water and went toward Steve and Ashton at the pool table.
Cas turned on the stool back to the bar and leaned his head into his hand. His dark hair sticking up around his fingers as he stared at the countertop. He closed his eyes and swallowed and Dean watched his thin throat move.
"Jesus, it isn't that hard to hang out with me," Dean said. Then the bartender set the shots in front of him. "Thanks," he said. He put two of them in front of Cas. "Can I get a Coke too?"
The bartender moved around to get it and set the glass in front of him. Dean sat down next to Cas and turned toward him.
"Get one of them," Dean said.
"I don't want to drink anymore, Dean."
"If you don't, I'll drink them all and puke my guts up."
"Knock yourself out."
"You know I'll do it, Cas."
Cas drug his hand down his face then picked up one of the three left. Dean held out his toward him.
"Me and you, all of the stuff that got us here. Made us who we are," Dean said.
Cas clicked the shot glass against his and they both knocked them back. Dean scooted the Coke to Cas while he winced around the burn. Cas coughed slightly and drank deeply, then handed it to Dean. Dean laughed a little bit.
"Such a puss."
"I fucking hate shooting whiskey," Cas said.
"Well we've gone one more to go," Dean said then took a drink of the cold pop to take the edge of the burn from his mouth.
Cas grunted and ran his fingers back through his hair making it stand up. Then he looked up at Dean and Dean's heart twisted so hard. His eyes were so pretty. They always had been. They'd managed to be prettier when he was laying in Dean's bed in the early mornings. The mornings that Cas hadn't gone to sleep yet, writing all night, and when Dean woke up to go to work. That overlap in their schedules had made Dean late clocking in so many times. So many.
"Next," Dean said, picking up one of the last shots.
"I don't want another one."
"I don't care. We're drinking until you can be nice to me."
"I could be so nice to you it'd make your fucking head spin," Cas said, picking up the last shot then he held it up. "How about to you breaking my fucking heart? Want to drink to that one?"
Dean put the drink down, but left his fingers on it. Cas was looking at him with so much anger.
God I fucking hate you, Dean.
He could live forever and never forget what that felt like. Never forget the numb quietness of Cas's voice when he said it when everything crumbled around them in the living room of Cas's rent house.
"I can't do this," Dean said, his nose tickling as his eyes stung. "I can't deal with how angry you still are."
He stood up and drank his shot. Then he went to find Sam, feeling everything rush to his head. Sam was chalking a pool stick when Dean squeezed his shoulder, some to get his attention and some not to fall down.
"Let's go. Back to the hotel."
"Are you okay?" Sam asked.
"Yeah, just drank too much," Dean said.
"Alright, sure, buddy," Sam said, patting him between the shoulders. "Come on, Steve, Ash. We'll drink some more at the hotel. Dean, go get Cas."
Dean turned to get him, but the bar was empty. Cash laid on the bar where Cas had been. He tasted panic before he could rationalize anything to himself. Cas didn't have a car here. He couldn't have just left. He probably just went outside.
Still, when he walked outside and saw Cas leaning against Sam's SUV, part of him sank deep inside of himself as the panic faded and another part stayed so strong.
One day Cas wasn't going to be there. He was never going to see him again and his eyes burned like acid was poured into them as he went to the passenger rear door beside Cas. He didn't look at him, keeping his eyes on the door handle, then pulling it open as Sam unlocked it with the key fob.
He sat against the far side with his forehead against the glass, soaking up as much as the coldness as he could. Then the bench seat moved. He closed his eyes. He jerked when he felt the arm slide around his stomach and the warm breath against his ear. But his body was ahead of his mind. He melted into Cas.
"I'm sorry," Cas whispered in his ear.
Dean looked over at him in the darkness of the cab. They were alone with the others probably still settling tabs. It didn't matter where they were, they weren't there and that's all he cared about.
"I'm sorry for hurting you," Dean said.
Cas shook his head, but Dean couldn't see his face in the dark. "I don't want to think about it. I just want to have a good night."
"I can do that."
"I'll try."
Dean nodded. Cas's arm was still over his stomach. It didn't feel very good with the compounding alcohol siting uneasily, but he wouldn't have him move it. He'd puke before he did that.
"I've missed you so bad it hurts," Dean said quietly.
Then the dome light came on and Cas jerked away, pushing his fingers into his closed eyes at the flood of brightness in the dark.
"Jesus Christ," Cas said.
"Sorry," Ashton said, sitting by the other door.
"Feeling alright, Dan?" Sam asked when he opened the driver's side door.
"Yeah," he said.
"Good," Sam said, getting in.
Steve sat in the passenger seat and messed with the radio as Sam pulled onto the street. It was still wet. Sam and Steve's windows were down letting in the moist air, heavy with the city. He was still sitting closely enough to Cas to smell him over it. The so faint smell of his cologne, heated by his skin. It wasn't much at all, but he would smell it with the natural smell of him, grass and the bar soap he used at the curve of his neck.
Ashton talked to Steve over the back of the passenger seat, leaning up. Sam talked to both of them as the radio played. Cas's leg was warm radiating against him, not quite touching. Dean looked over at him, Cas's face flashing in the street lights as the SUV rolled down the freeway.
With the heat of the whiskey in his throat, he reached out, creeping his fingers slowly over Cas's leg until he found his warm fingers. Cas looked down at their hands without moving his head. Dean's heart stuttered when he didn't move. Then he took Dean's hand hard, rubbing his thumb over the back and moving it to the seat between them. The old fake leather against one side and Cas's thumb rubbed almost painfully on the other.
Cas leaned his head back against the bench seat, tilted toward him. Dean gave it a second. He let the natural sway of the truck move Cas closer to him. He waited until they were on a dark street. Then he leaned over and pressed his lips to Cas's hair, breathing. He squeezed Cas's hand so hard it had to be painful as he filled his lungs.
He pulled away when Sam pulled into the brightly lit hotel parking lot. Cas looked up at him without lifting his head from the seat. He hoped Cas could read everything murdering his chest. He'd thought he was somewhat passed this, this swelling, just fucking sinking feeling, and like Cas was the only life-raft left in the world.
The world began to swim and he couldn't remember why he hadn't just taken Cas into the Brown Heel in Redland, their bar, and kissed him in front everyone. Why he hadn't said yes when Cas all but proposed with his dad's simple gold wedding ring.
"Dean, I think your woman's here," Steve said, getting out of the passenger side as Sam pulled to a stop.
He watched Cas's eyes fracture, panic, then nothing. Cas could slam a door like no other and it fucking killed him every time he'd ever done it.
"Cas," he said quietly as Ashton got out.
Cas pulled his hand away and climbed out of Ashton's side. Dean got out. He ignored Sam's look of concern. The limo Sarah's maid of honor had rented for the night was parked by the doors. The windows were rolled down and when one of the girls saw Dean they cheered.
Dean put his hands in his pockets and forced a smile as he went toward it. Steve and Ashton had already beat him over, talking to the girls. Sarah leaned out of the back driver's side window. She was wearing a plastic tiara and a bachelorette sash. She smiled her beautiful smile at him, straight white teeth, pale smooth skin, and dark brown eyes.
"Hey," she said.
"What's up?" he asked.
"We were just nearby. I thought we'd come say hi before we went back to our hotel," she said.
"She missed you," one of her friends cat called from inside the limo.
"Who can blame her?" her maid of honor asked. "Rawr." Then she busted up giggling and Sarah slapped her shoulder.
Dean made himself laugh. "You guys already drunk?"
"You are too," Sarah said, reaching out for him, then she stopped and looked passed him. "Is that Cas? Get him before he goes in. I want to meet him."
Cas walked straight passed the rear of the limo and toward the hotel doors. Dean wouldn't have called for him if a gun had been to his head. He pulled his hand away from Sarah.
"I'll talk to you later," he said, going to follow.
"Come give me a kiss first," she said.
The whiskey bumped against the base of his throat. He looked at the front of the hotel again. He looked and made sure Cas wasn't there. Then he leaned down and kissed Sarah. She tasted like wine and gum. Her friends hooted and Dean thought he might vomit.
Cas thought about going to his room, but after that, he needed another drink. He needed to drink until he couldn't think, until the only thing he could think about was not vomiting. He went to the hotel bar that was mostly empty.
"Rum and Coke. Just enough to give it color," Cas said.
"Yes, sir," the bartender said after Cas showed his ID and opened his tab.
Cas sat down at the bar, far from the only two others there. He drank deeply from his glass, trying not to watch the door. If Dean's fiancée came in, he didn't know what he'd do. There was really only one thing he could do, shake her hand, and congratulate her.
Or tell her he'd made Dean scream his name more than once with his knees against his shoulders.
Cas drank again. He would never do that, but God the thought sounded good. Watching Dean's face fall. Hurting him even a fraction of how he'd been hurt. Hurting himself more that Dean was so ashamed of what they'd done that he wouldn't even tell anyone, and was sickened at the thought of anyone knowing.
He remembered looking up at Dean and saying he loved him while Dean moved inside of him. He remembered Dean's loose mouth against his as he said it back, then kissed him so deeply he couldn't breathe and he hadn't even cared.
He remembered Dean leaving him alone, standing in his living room two weeks later. And the way his own broken voice had begged.
And Dean had left him there.
Cas looked up to the archway again and saw Dean walk in with Steve, Ashton, and Sam. Only them. He finished the rest of his drink.
"Can I get another one?" he asked, the bartender.
"Sure thing," the guy said.
There was a hand on his shoulder then Dean sat beside him.
"I'll take one of whatever he's drinking," Dean said.
The bartender made two and set them in front of them. Dean took a drink and winced.
"Boy, you're not fucking around."
Cas drank until ice touched his lips. He was going to puke. If he kept this up, it wouldn't be an if. He'd be puking everywhere. That sounded so nice, just worrying out his puke splattering the toilet. The cold tiles digging into his knees.
"Go see your fucking fiancée," Cas said, going to stand.
Dean grabbed his wrist and Cas all but fell back on the stool. "You said you'd be nice."
"You said you loved me," Cas said, with the weight of the liquor making his tongue lazy and stupid.
He went to stand again, but Dean was squeezing his wrist. It hurt. His fingers pushed into the notch of tendon and bone. Dean's eyes were wet.
"I am fucking begging you, Cas. I don't deserve it, but I just need you to be with me tonight. Be my best friend, just for a while. Please, then I'll stop. I'll stop talking to you. I'll never talk to you again if that's what you want."
Cas sat where he was and clenched his teeth so hard it hurt. "You didn't care when I begged you."
"But you're so much better than me," Dean said quietly. "I never deserved you."
Cas pulled his wrist away, but he didn't move. He didn't think it was possible for his heart to hurt this much anymore. He had been sure that Dean had killed half of it, because no fight with Ethan, even the ones that they separated over a couple of times, ever hurt like this. It was just Dean's blackened areas, like sun spots, radiation, inked into the sore muscle. He hated that he wanted to go to his room and hurt Dean by doing it. And he fucking hated that if he did that, he would hurt himself far more than Dean.
"Well you've fucking got me, Dean. Congratulations," Cas said, staring at the bottles behind the bar and took another long drink of his Coke.
It spiraled after another drink on both their parts. Things began to lose consistency, but all Cas was certain of was that Dean still touched a lot when he was drunk. He talked about Redland, about his job, about his dogs. One that had been Cas's that he left when he moved out of Redland so quickly. One that Cas went to the breeder with him to pick out before he ever thought of how Dean's lips might feel against his. The more he drank, the more he leaned into those touches and the more Dean let his hand linger, on his shoulder, on his back, the back of his neck, his face, stroking his thumb over his cheek.
Once, Cas would've tried to stop him. He did stop him when Dean's drunk hands wondered, now he wanted to see Dean wreck. He wanted to watch this shit unravel for him. The only problem was, Cas's heart was secured to his ankle and when he went off the edge, his loosely bound, bleeding heart was going to rip apart.
"I don't want to get married," Dean said, standing in front of Cas, where he sat on the stool with his back to the bar. His forehead was against Cas's. "I just want you, Cas," Dean said weakly, reaching up to touch his cheek.
"Then don't get married."
"You marry me."
"I can't give you a family like you want."
"I don't care. We can adopt Asian kids, I don't care," Dean said, touching his hair clumsily. "I don't care. I love you. I love you so much."
"You'll get sober and not tell anyone," Cas said and he felt the tears again. He was far too drunk to care how much of a fool he was making out of himself. He would never see these people again.
"I'll tell everyone. Cas, I'll tell everyone. I'll call Sarah right now."
"Don't say her name to me."
"I'm sorry, baby. Please, please, just God please," Dean was whispering by the end and Cas's heart was breaking.
Dean pressed his lips to Cas's. Dean's hand in his hair became hard and their lips more firm. When he felt Dean's tongue, his heart began to unravel. Dean was in his mouth and it felt like the world was coming apart. He opened his mouth wider and pulled Dean closer to him. He thought he'd forgotten what Dean tasted like, but he hadn't. He tasted like whiskey and beer. It was like that first night they ever slept together. That had been such a fuck up.
"Hey, cool it," Sam said, pulling them apart by their scuffs like two dogs.
"Bub, I love him," Dean said, touching Cas's cheek. "I love him so much."
"The whole bar doesn't need to know."
Sam pulled Cas up and reached into his back pocket. He took out Cas's room key and put it in Cas's hand before putting his wallet back into his pocket.
"You sober enough to make it to your room?" Sam asked Cas.
Cas nodded.
"Then go before you end up on the floor," Sam said, giving him a push. He grabbed Dean by the back of his shirt when he started to follow. "Cas, are you sure? This isn't, it isn't going to fix anything."
"Please, Cas," Dean said.
Cas took Dean's hand and pulled him. He didn't look at their friends when they left. They went straight to the elevators and Dean was back on him. His mouth was hot on his neck and down to his collar.
Dean leaned close and grazed his lips over Cas's. When they pressed together, the pain went down his back, pressed against his room door. He opened his mouth and Dean's tongue touched his. Dean gripped his shirt and pushed him more fully against the door.
"Can I come in?" Dean asked against his mouth.
"This hurts," he said.
"I know," Dean said, kissing him again. "Let me make it better."
Cas turned to slide his key into the slot. Dean's mouth was on his neck, sucking. He would leave a mark. The door closed behind them and Cas peeled off Dean's shirt. Dean pulled off his. Cas hit the bed first and Dean yanked off his jeans and underwear together. Cas pulled Dean's off and they ended up tangled on the bed. Their mouths were greedy on each other's skin and they groaned at touching again. The hotel comforter was soft against their bodies and Cas couldn't get enough of Dean's heat.
"Don't have lube or a condom," Cas said.
"Me either. Just do it."
Cas moved on top of him, pulling Dean's legs up so he could reach his ass. He cupped his palm beneath Dean's mouth and Dean spit in his hand. He messaged the spit onto Dean's ass. Then he spit again and lubed his dick. Dean gripped his shoulders and wrapped his legs tightly around his waist. He felt Dean pushing out against him and finally he gave and Cas sank deep. Dean grunted as his muscles seized, trying to push him out, even as he yanked him closer until he was buried.
"Quit, you're going to hurt yourself," Cas said, trying to hold still, but Dean pulled him until his hips were against the soft flesh of Dean's ass.
"I've missed you so much."
"Me too," Cas said, feeling the tears on his face.
Dean's body was so tight and familiar on his, but his body was softer. It had changed and Cas hadn't been the one there to study it, every curve. It wasn't his anymore and the tears came down harder. Dean ran his fingers through the back of his hair and their mouths came together. Cas felt the wetness on Dean's face and heard the sniffing. Dean kept a hand in the back of his hair after they stopped kissing.
"I love you, Cas. I love you so much."
Cas pressed his forehead to Dean's and let his tears fall as it began to feel better. "I love you so much more."
When they finished, they held each other, face to face and fell asleep.
Cas woke to soft touches on his face. Dean trailed fingers over his cheek.
"Morning," Dean said, but his eyes were bloodshot.
Cas took the hand touching his cheek and pressed the fingers to his lips. His eyes were already watering.
Someone knocked on the door. Cas looked at Dean and got out of bed. He pulled on his jeans from last night and opened the door. It was Sam.
"Do we need to come get dressed?" he asked.
"Yeah," Sam said.
"Thanks," he said, forcing back the tears that were already coming. "We'll be down in a minute."
Sam left and Cas turned back to the room with his head pounding and having nothing on the searing pain in his chest.
The ride down the elevator was as silent as was the walk to Dean's room with only their hands brushing occasionally. Dean knocked and Sam pulled open the door. The rest of the guys were inside. When Steve saw Cas he whistled low.
"How do you plan on covering that up?" he said, pointing to his own neck.
Cas rubbed his bruised neck. "It doesn't matter."
Dean's eyes went over the bruise. The brown of them was so broken. Cas wanted to pull him in and never let go.
"Go get dressed, Dee," he said.
"Are you still going to do this?"
"I'm your best friend."
Dean's eyes got red again as he went toward the bathroom. Sam looked after him helplessly before gesturing to Cas.
"Can you go help him get around?"
Cas could see why, Sam's eyes were already filled with tears. Two Winchesters crying in the bathroom would be too much. The world might just end. Cas went to the bathroom, ignoring the looks he and Dean had gotten from Steve and Ashton, mostly Steve. When he walked in, Dean was on the toilet with the lid closed.
"I don't want to do this," Dean said, looking up at him.
"Yes you do."
"No. I don't."
"But you're going to."
"Yeah," Dean nodded, while tears fell. "God I am so sorry."
Dean started pulling on his tux. Each piece made him more handsome. They kissed, brief to longer while he dressed. Finally, Cas fixed the dark gray tie around Dean's neck. The soft fabric yielded to his fingers as he knotted and straightened it. Then Dean did his, lingering on the skin of his throat and finally on the bruise his mouth had left.
"I can't do this, Dean," he said quietly. "I'm sorry."
Dean went to speak and Cas saw the plea in his eyes that he wouldn't voice. His throat bobbed as he swallowed. Cas leaned forward and kissed the lump then around the side savoring the taste and feel he would never have again. He pushed Dean back against the bathroom counter and kissed and licked his neck. Dean threaded his fingers through his hair and let him. In hours, Dean's wife would be doing this, but it wouldn't be the same. She wouldn't inspire the vibration that Cas now felt against his tongue. She wouldn't know what it was to hear Dean pant while he was being fucked. He was glad that Dean wouldn't be happy with her and he hated himself for it. They kissed again before leaving the bathroom. It was long and broken.
Dean touched his face again and left the bathroom. Cas followed him out and the feeling of the world crashing in around him fell over him again. The same feeling as when Dean walked out of his front door, the pulsing black throb of panic around his vision. This was it. He was leading Dean down to a life without him. He hadn't realized that he had really been nursing the hope of an eventual life with him until this moment. The anxiety attacks that Dean was once so skilled at soothing crept into his chest and wound into his brain.
When Dean reached the suite door he turned and hugged Cas. Cas tucked his face against Dean's neck and ran his fingers through his hair. He sucked in every ounce of Dean's scent that he could.
"It's okay," he whispered and thought it might kill him.
Dean shook his head like a child. "No. No it isn't."
He squeezed Dean tighter, until he could feel his fingers creasing the soft fabric of Dean's tux. She couldn't take this off him. This perfect solid body couldn't be above someone else. It was his and it should've been his for years by now. He swallowed and breathed around his own jagged emotion.
"No it isn't. You should be with me," he whispered in Dean's ear. "I should be your husband and I should be the one you're wearing this suit for and I should be the one you wake up to every morning. I should be the one your fight with and you cry with and you laugh with. I want to be your world. I want to be your best friend, Dean. Let me be those things, let me be everything."
Dean looked at him and Cas touched his face. His eyes were so open, so open and fucking terrified.
"Let me," Cas whispered. "Please, Dean."
Dean shook his head and tried to speak, but just kept shaking his head until he sank to the floor against the door. He put his head in his hand and pulled his phone from his pocket. He kept crying as he hit a speed-dial. Cas heard it ring then a woman's voice.
"Sarah?" Dean asked.
He heard her say Dean's name. She was trying to get off the phone with him. She sounded busy.
"I can't marry you. I'm sorry."
The line was quiet then she said something again.
"I'm sorry, but I love Cas."
Then Dean hung up. He tossed the phone onto the carpet and looked at Cas. Cas could feel his heart slowing. He knew he reached forward and touched Dean's cheek. Dean reached up and squeezed the back. The phone began to vibrate on the carpet until Sam picked it up and answered and went off talking to someone. By the shrillness of the tone, Cas thought it must be Sarah and summoned his first bit of sympathy.
"I love you," Dean said.
"I know," Cas said, tears were falling down again and he couldn't stop them. "I know, Dee."
Three Weeks Later
Dean woke up to the bird that lived outside of his bedroom window. Morning light made the background of the white floral white paper yellow. He still needed to paint it. He'd been saying that for seven years, since he bought this place.
He laid on his back and let himself wake up little by little, then he rolled over into the shape of Cas's back. He pressed his nose into his hair and slid his hand up his naked chest. Cas stretched like a cat and went to roll on his stomach. Dean pulled him back and slid his arm beneath his neck, and kissed the joining of his neck to his shoulder.
"Don't you roll away from me," he said.
Cas made a quiet noise and pushed his shoulders back into Dean's chest. "Morning."
"Mm," Dean said, then kissed Cas's neck more, working up to his ear. The spot just behind. Cas jerked when he hardly grazed it with his tongue.
"Fuck," Cas said. "Sneaky bastard."
Dean kissed that spot then sucked softly, then bit the edge of Cas's ear. Cas laughed and tried to pull away.
"Go the fuck away. I'm trying to sleep, pervert."
"You don't need to sleep," Dean said, exhaling through his nose against Cas ear. Softly, like he liked over the damp places left from his teeth.
Cas let out an exasperated noise, but took Dean's hand from his chest and pushed it down to his dick. Dean smiled and squeezed him before loosely stroking.
"And I'm the perv?"
"Yeah," Cas said, pushing back against Dean's hips, hitting his morning hard-on. Or his Cas hard-on, they'd be going hand in hand the last few weeks. He pushed forward. "Don't be a tease."
"Are you sore?"
Cas shook his head.
Dean leaned back and grabbed the bottle of lube he'd thrown on the ground last night. Cas pushed the blankets down to their thighs and Dean poured lube onto his fingers. After last night, it went easy with Cas relaxed and warm. He held him against his chest with his other arm.
When Cas started rubbing himself, Dean lined himself up and pushed in with his lips pressed to the hardness of Cas's shoulder. He squeezed his eyes shut and felt him giving so easy to him. He didn't know when he was going to stop feeling it in his chest as much as he felt it on his dick, such a hard clenching around his chest. Steel cables of gratitude for a God he had no choice but to believe in and for his angel that was saying quiet vulgarities in his sleep heavy voice, mixing with the wet movements of his fist over his own skin.
Cas reached back and slid his fingers into his hair. Dean pulled him back closer and started to move, listening to their bed move, and feeling like he wasn't dying from breathing too little oxygen. Like his five years in the fire breathing black smoke. He pressed his face against the back of Cas's neck and only breathed the warm air closest to his skin.