Naruto Uzumaki sighed as he watched his long time crush celebrating being placed on the same team as the egotistical fuckwad of the class, Sasuke Uchiha. It didn't make any fucking sense! He had purposely screwed up his entire academic career just so he was the dead last to her top of the class.

SO WHY THE HELL WAS KIBA ON HER TEAM AND NOT HIM?

Reality then stopped, suddenly, and a short figure with what could best be described as a crab haircut walked into the area. "They STILL haven't fixed this up?" She said, "The most screwed up idea by anyone, and I keep telling them that there's several errors in this universe, but no-one debugs it. I'm calling Skuld to see if she's not busy."

"Umm... who the hell are you?" Naruto asked, his previous rant completely derailed.

"You may call me Washu-chan!" The woman said, "The greatest genius in the universe!"

Two small replicas of her then appeared out of seemingly nowhere, and began cheering for the strange woman, who just went back to studying the timeline, before pausing, and going, "So, you're the man who, according to a document written by Kami-sama himself, will save the day along with several girls who will help you defeat the darkness this world faces."

"Washu-sama..." Naruto began, before getting cut off by an irate midget, even from his point of view.

"WASHU-CHAN!" she screamed, "Sheesh, I know I'm ridiculously old, but I prefer -chan. Anyway, go and be frozen like the rest of this universe's timestream. I'm looking for the main bug nexus to save Skuld several days of work."

"Uhh... how do I do that? But first, what the hell are you talking about? I'm just going to be Hokage someday," Naruto proclaimed, for the short genius to cut him off saying anything more, then time fast forwarded to him at some location in Snow Country.

"Daimyo." She said, simply, then he was in Demon Country, "Head of the future priesthood..."

The time and their location changed rapidly as she listed off titles that were lofty goals in themselves, before she stopped, and took him back to Konoha. "Fate's bitch, seemingly, except both Fate and Loki claim total ignorance of how crap your life is."

"But I can't do all that if I'm not on the best teammates right? So... can you set me up with Team Seven?" Naruto asked cautiously, still unsure about his current teammates, the Hyuuga girl just fainted at the announcement.

Washu grinned. "You do all those things by being you. It doesn't matter if you're with Tenten, Hinata, Ino, Sakura or Ichiraku's waitress as a female partner in your first team. Within a few short months, you will be able to name your position in several countries, it's set in stone."

"Who's Tenten?" Naruto asked in confusion, having never met a girl named that in class.

The scene then vanished, and he was stood in a room with several girls in outfits that hugged their body in all the right ways, but still were decent. He could recognise Hinata, Sakura, Ino and several other girls.

"Right, Sakura Haruno..." Washu said, walking him to her, "Get her off the diet, and within a few years, she'll be good... Get her off Sasuke, confessed to her true love, and you'll be onto a winner. Notably, she has Multiple Personality Disorder. The second personality kinda likes you."

"That makes no sense." Naruto stated in confusion, for Washu to hit him and walk him towards a brown-haired girl with her hair up in buns.

"This is Tenten. Don't ask about her last name. God only knows." Washu said, then looked over her notes, "She likes pointy, sharp things, long stabby things and loud, explosive things. Preferably accessible to her long in advance of the enemy getting them. Good idea... When you get to Wave, you'll encounter a massive sword. Keep it for her. Give it to her when asking about dating her."

"This is Tenten huh? well she's cute... but..." Naruto started, only to duck the clipboard, "JEEZE! I was going to say what the hell would she see in me?"

"ALL these girls would, if you decided to invite them to your house, at least consider dating and probably bedding you." She said, "There's at least three daimyos, several important religious or political figures... and at least four enemy kuno... … That can't be right, No, even enemy ninja want in your pants? Excuse me, but we'll be getting acquainted later. I would love to know how the hell you can build a harem just by existing... out of anything female that crosses your path for longer than five minutes!"

"Oh I get it now! This is all a bad ramen dream!" Naruto declared loudly while pointing to one of the figures. "That's Kon-chan, she's always in the bad ramen dreams. Talking about her daddy or something..."

"Excuse me..." Washu said, checking something, "K... K... Kon - Daughter of the Kyuubi-no-Yoko... Huh..."

The area then zoomed to an older looking woman who looked similar to Kon. "OK, what's the Kyuubi-no-Yoko doing in the group?" She asked, "Is this a cosmic joke on my behalf?"

"No Washu-chan, it's all a bit of three decade old ramen I had hidden under my bed, that's all," Naruto stated before settling down on the ground with a huge grin on his face. "That's why you're talking about these girls wanting to put out bedding for me like I'm a hamster!"

"No... Excuse me..." Washu said, "Have you ever been taught about sex?"

"It's something that adults do with the doors shut, curtains drawn, and people are never supposed to talk about it. Nine-months later the ninja stork..." Naruto exclaimed proudly, only to be cut off once again.

"OK, excuse me while I get a movie." Washu said, then put a film of an alternate universe Naruto using Shadow Clones to bed 20 kunoichi at once on, "That is what I mean by 'Bedding you'."

"Where are their penises?" Naruto asked, tilting his head while munching some popcorn that appeared in his lap. A nude picture of Hinata Hyuuga appeared, and Washu pointed to her crotch.

"Generally, the penis is inserted in there during things like this," she said, dryly.

"No, the girls are... wow... is that Hinata? No wonder she faints all the time, if she's that fat and in such heavy clothes she must be getting heat stroke!" Naruto stated with a worry as he looked around for his teammate. "I gotta help her get out of those clothes!"

Washu chuckled. "You do that. Then you need a packet of these, and to look for a book named Icha Icha for how to work with them and the poor poor girl." She said, half-sarcastically, handing him a box of heavy duty condoms.

Naruto looked at the contents of the box and began putting the pieces of the puzzle together and got... a cup of ramen. 'Sweet, the crazy lady is giving me water balloons, and this Icha Icha book must be a secret battle tactics manual!'

Naruto then found himself back in his apartment... several months before he last remembered waking up, with the box from the 'dream' sat on his bedside table, and Hinata's address on a card next to it.