Chapter 3

He didn't know how to describe what he felt right now. ...

All he could say it was a storm, hurricane or typhoon which swirled his emotions inside of him.
This kind of storm was like it was sent from hell or even the devil himself. With each punch his anxiety increased, it was destroying that little faith he had clawed back for himself after his childhood, no mercy, no comfort, no sanity for him.
No one could get him out of that, or he rather didn't want them to help him or allow them to help him.
He deserved that, he believed it.
That pain he was in he deserved, the pain he put himself in he deserved he had lost control, he had hurt not only another human, but a blind man, a man who was weaker than himself…he was just like his father, the longer he punched the heavy bag the further and further and his self hatred increased. ...

This was making him sick, sick of himself sick of what he had done...

He was no better, no better than his own father ...

Even worse, he thought, he was no better than that evil man with the drill...

He hated himself for what he had done after he was told and showed that the only person in this cruel world he loved, was not among the living anymore. ...Kensi... That one person who needed him the most right now, but he couldn't be with her...He wanted to hold her comfort her reassure her that that she was safe, to be there when she was waking up to her own screams when the evil of all realities were came back in the middle of the night.

But no, he wasn't that person anymore. He was lost, lost like a child in the system... That no one cared enough about... No one had asked him, what he'd had to do to find out that man was the father of a Taliban terrorist; no one asked if he was alright, no one asked if he had had to face his own personal hell to save the lives of his friends. Callen and Sam had come out of it smiling, Callen had saved a child, and he was, in Deeks' opinion a hero. Jack was safe and had taken the child with him and they had joked as they walked past Kensi and Deeks holding each other while Kensi wept into his shoulder and he had soothed her fears, but no one had noticed the haunted look on his face at his own actions. Or if they had noticed, they hadn't cared enough to ask.

He was truly lost in his own hell not knowing if he would ever come out of it

He was glad that Kensi hadn't see him like this ...
She was sent away with her Mother hours ago ... not knowing where she was but sure enough that she was at a safe place, he had slipped away to take vent to his emotions.

He was sure Hetty that arranged that for him and Kensi to have more time apart, he understood her need to heal, but right now he needed her too, he needed her to hold him, to tell him it would be ok, that she didn't blame him for all he'd had to do, that he wasn't like his father, that she still had faith in him.

He only got a text from Kensi... that told him that she would be away and that she would miss him, but that it was necessary for them to be able to continue to live to work and to be partners again.

So, Deeks was on his own with plenty of time and no distractions from the dark thoughts that were consuming him.
No one else paying enough attention to notice how quiet and distracted the young detective had become. But he was used to no one noticing him, he was good at it, hell, he'd been doing it for years ever since his father first got drunk and picked up a belt, he had learned to walk silently and unnoticed through life when he needed too.

He didn't know how he got to O.S.P. or how long he was beating the hell out of the punching bag. Right now his life was out of focus and he hoped that by some exercise, beating his demons he would get his focus back.
He didn't even realize that his hands were cut open from the enormous pressure his hands took with each punch.
All he wanted was to get rid of this numbness he was feeling physically and mentally although he had a storm of emotions inside of him ...

This dark nemesis was haunting him not only in his dreams but in the waking hours too, there seemed to be no escape from it.

He was so engrossed in his own hell he didn't hear the normally familiar footsteps approaching the gym nor that the man that belonged to them was watching him for quite a while.

His overly exhausted body took now over and he broke down crying and ready to go further down till he hopefully passed out. That would be a relief, but he hadn't brought that thought to an end...
Suddenly he felt someone touch him and he violently jerked up on instinct.

As he saw who was standing in front of him he quickly stood up and apologized but avoided eye contact and practically ran into the locker room...

Getting dressed on autopilot, Deeks ran the look on Callen's face through his mind, he seemed disappointed in him. Maybe he should have been stronger for the team, like Callen and Sam had been. They had been held down under fire and by the time Deeks had gotten to them they had been nonplussed, he had thought he had redeemed himself slightly for his sins by saving them, finally he would get some respect, a little acknowledgement of his actions, something good…a thank you would have done. But nothing, They had praised the chopper pilot for his landing, the translator for finding out that the blind man was the father of a terrorist, but for Deeks, nothing…Callen had been focused on getting the orphan girl in the chopper, rather than sealing her fate with the rest of the group who were to be the subject of a later airstrike. Sam had focused on Kensi and Jack's injuries until they could get to a medic. Deeks had just sat silently in the back not saying a word.

"Deeks?!" Callen said raising his voice and finally getting his attention.

Deeks looked up and Callen had been shocked at the lack of life in his eyes.

"Deeks, you're coming with me." Callen had said.

He had stood in the locker room and had seen Deeks sitting unmoving on the bench for 20 minutes, not even attempting to change. That was when he had made up his mind to do his best to help.

Callen, still in his basement at the house in Malibu looked up at the monitor in the room he had left Deeks in. He was no longer sprawled on the bed, he had curled up into the fetal position, his head tucked in at his knees and he was sobbing.