This one is a piece of my own stupid imagination.

Pairing Order: RusAme

Prompt: Russia using Amerimochi as a condom

Rating: M

Warning: CRACK. COMPLETELY CRACK.

"Stupid Amerika," Ivan cursed between hiccups, drowning himself in more vodka as he collapsed onto the plush couch, the soft pillows sagging under his weight. He groaned and rolled over, taking another swig from his third bottle of vodka in the past hour.

The foolish nation had rejected him. Again. Him! Why didn't he want to come over? Were all of these peace and progress talks simply for show, did Alfred truly not care about the person behind the nation?

Ivan couldn't bear to think on it, opting to flood his miserable thoughts out with deliciously burning vodka. That mean, heartless child! Ivan wanted to cry.

But instead he just drank himself into a stupor, messing with his phone when his hand found it on the desk. The next thing he remembered was stumbling to the door, a bewildered Estonia muttering nonsense to him before pushing something into Ivan's hands and then getting the hell out of dodge.

By the time Ivan had wandered back to the couch, whatever else he was holding besides his vodka bottle was squirming and shouting insults. "Just like that stupid Amerika," Ivan huffed, flopping face first again and thoroughly smothering the poor creature. "A dirty mouth that only likes food!"

Ivan didn't even care how silly he sounded, but he had had a yearning for that stupid American for the longest time and when he finally had the courage to ask the dumb, he ended up with laughter and a punch in the gut. "Damn Amerika…"

"Hey!" the creature shouted at him, running into his side like a useless animal, seemingly angry. Ivan wearily lifted his head, eyes straining when his vision slanted and sparkled with colors. "I am American!"

It took Ivan a moment for his drunken mind to process the words. "Amerika…" he grumbled, getting angry when the blurry thing tried hitting his gut again, shrieking when Ivan grabbed him. "You do want me! I knew you could not resist!"

The blob cursed him out as Ivan undid his pants, but the nation didn't care at all, just glad his little crush had come to him after all. "My little Amerika," Ivan cooed, petting the creature happily as he put the blob to his crotch. "Come. It is yours now."

"Fuck you!" Ivan had to giggle at the silly shout.

"Such a naughty mouth, my Amerika… Ahhhh, I think I know how to shut you up," he snickered happily, and then shoved the creature over the head of his cock, moaning at how nice and smoothly he fit into the gelatinous being. The creature squirmed and clamped around him, thankfully for the inebriated nation the little blob didn't have any teeth. "Mmm, Amerika-!"

[-]

"He did what?" Alfred gasped into the phone, holding it between his shoulder and cheek as he glanced at England, the other nation pretending to be too occupied with his cooking to eavesdrop. "Really? I thought he was getting better at his alcohol problem."

"….Yeah, yeah I'm on it. I should be able to get there in a bit," he nodded to himself, saving his progress at the closest Pokecenter in the game. "Yeah. Uh-huh, he's probably just sulking, the big baby. Yeah, I'll be over there. Mhm. See you."

"Leaving already?" Arthur hummed, looking up from the smoking pot on the stove.

"Yeah, Snowflake's drunk off his ass again," Alfred sighed, pulling his socks and shoes back on. "Shouldn't take too long. Buh-bye!"

[-]

"Yo, Commie!" Alfred shouted as he pounded on the door, scowling when the older nation didn't open up. He jiggled the handle until something cracked and the door moved aside. Barging in, Alfred shouted for him again. "Russia! Hey, I don't got all day, hurry up and get yer sorry ass out here!"

Still no sign of him. Maybe something really was wrong with him? "Russia! Hey, where are you? Russia?"

"A-ahhhh, Amerikaaa!" that crooning, drunkenly jovial voice cooed for him, calling to him from the living room. Alfred padded through the cold house, frowning at Ivan's tipsy giggles as he came up from behind him.

"Dude what the fuck, why didn't you get the door-"

"You are so skilled, Amerika," Ivan giggled, using to hands to keep a squirming… thing over what could only be a very impressive erection. Alfred gasped in horror, running around the couch.

"Oh my god, that's little me! What the fuck do you think you're doing?!"

"Ah, even like this you are so noisy, Amerika!" Ivan growled, reaching for his bottle. The next thing he knew, a stinging blow exploded through his left temple, and Alfred went down.

[-]

"O-ow, oh god!" Alfred cried, shaking his head when he awoke to having the skinny neck of a vodka bottle shoved up his ass. He squirmed and shouted, but couldn't get free from whatever Ivan had tied his hands to the table with. "No no no no, stop!"

"Be quiet, Amerika!" Russia huffed, smacking Alfred's cheek as he tipped the bottle forward, the clear liquid flooding into Alfred's ass. The nation shrieked and thrashed, trying to kick Ivan away as the man grabbed the blob and pumped himself with it as if forgetting that the thing was still there. "You are very bad. Look, you make me get like this and, and—"

Ivan choked and broke into a fit of giggles, sloppily kissing Alfred's neck and shoulders as he shuddered and swayed over him. "Ahhhh…. This is a dream, isn't it? I am asleep, and you are not really here…. Which means I can do whatever I want…"

"N-no! Snowflake, baby, I'm right here! Come on now, don't be like this! This was because of earlier, isn't it? Look I'm sorry, I was only playing! No! No, stop! Stop stop stop oh god not the mochi too—AHH!"

Alfred's shrieks pierced the room as Ivan shoved himself in, the other America squealing as his little mochi body was also pushed inside, functioning as a make-shift condom as Ivan had his drunken way with his sometimes-lover.

[-]

"You're a dick head," Alfred sobbed when Ivan was finally sober enough to unchain him from the table. America batted his worrying hands away, sniffling as he fixed up his clothes. "A fucking asshole! Look dude, I don't mind if we have sex but oh my fucking god, why'd you have Amerimochi on your cock when you fucked me!?"

"I-I was drunk," Ivan answered lamely, blushing and fidgeting on his knees as Amerimochi rolled around on the floor near them, looking sleepy (if that was even possible). "I didn't-"

"No, of course you didn't!" Alfred huffed, crossing his arms. "Dude, I told you'd I'd be over. I was joking when I said all that stuff! Snowflake, darling, you know I love you."

Ivan blushed and smiled shyly, looking up at Alfred before catching his chin and kissing his lips, the young nation grunting in acceptance as their passion pulled them close. Alfred pulled back after a moment, smacking Ivan's cheek playfully. "But the next time you want a roleplay fuck, keep the mochi out of it, yeah?"

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