This is my part of an exchange of challenges between myself and Christopher Scott: A Gentleman Thief. I won't spoil what challenge he accepted of mine, however this is a new intros based on a concept that he had, but couldn't get to work. The challenge he gave to me will be listed at the bottom.
Kakashi looked over his new genin squad curiously as they shuffled reluctantly onto the roof before slumping down with all the energy and enthusiasm of a Nara on tranquilizers. To say that they weren't what their profiles suggested they should be was much the same as saying that Sabaku no Gaara needed a nap, a gross understatement. Honestly, it was like the person that was in charge of writing their reports had never even seen the three of them before.
The first cause for concern was that all three lacked anything even remotely resembling enthusiasm for anything except getting out of here. He'd seen members of the Akimichi clan look more eager about the prospect of dieting than these three showed to even make it up onto the roof for a meeting in the bright sunshine.
Examining them in detail, he frowned at just how wrong the profiles were about these three. Starting with the female of the group, he saw that she was reading a book on clan laws while twirling a highlighter in her left hand. Every few minutes she would pause and use it to pick out key sections for whatever reason she had in her mind. She wasn't even dressed in attire that was remotely suited for field work. Gone was the pink top and shorts that her picture showed, in its place was a business suit. Perhaps it might be a good idea to point her towards academy work, it would be safer for both her and her teammates.
Though the way the Uchiha looked didn't promise much for field work either. Gone was the traditional Uchiha academy and genin uniform that he was supposed to be wearing according to his profile, and in its place was jeans, a black dress shirt, and a pair of loafers. He was busy reviewing what looked like ledger books while wearing a pair of reading glasses and a pissed expression.
The last member of the group was reading travel brochures in his trademark orange jumpsuit. Other than that, he seemed to be pissed, extremely pissed. He was almost certain that he should have been cloaked in red with claws and fangs, but instead his eyes were ice blue and his grip tightened upon each of the brochures as though sure someone would snatch them away if he let go.
But the profiles said they were three promising young genin and thus would be treated as such... with utter contempt and disregard.
"Let's have some introductions, shall we?" Kakashi asked after deciding on a course of action, only to be met with dead silence. "How about I start?"
"If it's all the same to you Hatake, sir, we'd rather not get personal," Sasuke grumbled as he glanced at the jounin over his glasses. "None of us want to be here, save maybe you. Each of us have our own way of looking to get out of being shinobi, and honestly, what's the point of introductions if we're not going to be a team?"
"Humor me," Kakashi attempted, having been told in no uncertain terms that there would be no way he wasn't going to pass this team without being sent to Anko's sex dungeon as a permanent fixture. There were fates worse than death, and that threat put many of those to shame. "I'm Kakashi Hatake, and I'm hoping to not be Anko's sex toy by this time tomorrow... now how about the lovely young kunoichi?"
"Piss off!" Sakura shouted in a voice that sounded more like a demonic bear growling than the voice of a teenaged girl. After a moment's silence for Kakashi's sanity, she sighed and in a more normal voice answered properly. "Look, I'm just here so my family can become a clan. I'm a third generation shinobi, only one of my family physically able to fill the role. And as such, I'm stuck until I a) become a chuunin and can retire to a nice teaching position, b) killed, c) crippled in the line of duty, d) marry into an existing clan, or e) bribe the fangirl certification board lawyers to argue my case to the tribunal."
Kakashi blinked slowly as he processed just how much venom was in the girl's voice, and considered pointing out a nice safe position at the hospital, or ninja library, or... well there was the mission room, but all of them required her to be a chuunin first. As such, the mission selection process might be a bit easier if he actually showed up early enough to pick out preferred missions once. It was a moment later, while she was eying him like a piece of meat, a sparkle of hope in her eyes. "Say sensei... the Hatake clan is just you right?"
"Yes... and not interested," Kakashi cut her off sharply, before turning to look at the remaining members, in a vague hope as to minimize the damage to his hopes for future freedom.
It was then that he heard the rosette mutter, "Figures, all of the good clans are taken, gay, or both..."
"Mr. Accountant, you're up," Kakashi commanded with a bit more harshness than he intended, pausing at the thoughtful expression on the supposed avenger's face.
"Hmm... yes... accountant, I could become one of those," Sasuke mused while lowering his glasses. Folding them, he set them on top of the file he was reading over during the initial part of the meeting. "I do that a lot with all the inheritances I got when Itachi killed off the rest of my clan. He wants me to be a ninja, but I'd rather be something else. I thought of originally being some grim avenger based around some night animal that struck terror in the hearts of the criminal element in shinobi society... then I put down the manga I was reading and really thought about it."
"I want to piss Itachi off, so I'll become anything but a ninja, and tell those minders that keep dragging me to the academy to kiss my a-" Sasuke started, only for Kakashi to cut him off with a sharp glare. "Fine... Can we be done yet? I think I need a new book on taxes for this year."
"Let's finish our introductions..." Kakashi stated with a heavy sigh as he turned to where his third student had been, only to see him trying to put away the picks he was attempting to remove a tracking bracelet that was strapped to his leg. Blinking slowly, he finally noticed that the other two were also wearing similar devices. "How about you?"
"Naruto Uzumaki, escape artist extraordinaire," the blond started with a hate-filled glare at an ANBU that showed up to collect the picks he had been using. "I plan on getting away from this hellhole, tell the asshats in charge to suck my d-"
He was cut off by Cat returning with an impatient body stance and hand held out demandingly. Naruto grumbled darkly as he passed over a set of keys, which Cat counted and inspected carefully before nodding and walking off. "Say Kakashi... we leave town when we get on a C-rank mission or above, right? Shinobi tend to die, vanish, or get crippled when out on missions like that right?"
"You don't get those until after several successful D-rank missions... and even then I think the Hokage might hesitate before sending this team out on those types of missions..." Kakashi explained while realizing just how long of an assignment this might just become.
The trios of four letter words, starting with 'f' and rhyming duck smashed any hope that it was going to be any shorter than he was imagining. "Right... well tomorrow morning we'll have a little exercise to decide who becomes a ninja and who goes back to the academy... or washes out entirely."
This last part seemed to catch their interests. "So here's what you should do... stay up late tonight, miss the start at seven am, have a nice filling breakfast, come to Training Grounds Seven around noon when the test ends, and don't even try!" Kakashi explained happily, thinking that Anko would be far less damaging to his psychological well-being than spending more time with these three.
Kakashi glared at the three students that were sitting across the clearing from him. Apparently the ANBU had taken an exception to him trying to dump them back into the academy, and even if he was a former captain, the Hokage's order that the team had to pass overrode any feelings of camaraderie they might have still held.
And that is how he found himself sitting in the clearing with the three students he was sure would have still been in bed at 6:45 AM. Each of the three were given a ration bar: well... force-fed one would have been more accurate, and explained that getting a bell meant freedom.
He was even given the bells to ensure that he couldn't claim that as a reason to not have the test. "Right... I suppose we'll be having this test... Come at me with all you got or you'll be forced to..."
Whatever else he might have said was cut off as three ANBU appeared and held out their hands expectantly towards the trio. His eye nearly bugged out when he saw them handing over heavy duty explosive tags, sets of keys, and what appeared to be a civilian issued taser. "Now, now, I think they should get all that they... how the hell were you hiding that gatling cannon in your pants?" Kakashi asked as Naruto pulled out something that would have made the test very messy from his pockets.
"Seals, I talked one of last year's graduates into showing me how to make storage ones, and sewed them into my pant's pockets," Naruto explained while handing over more weapons than any kid his age should have access to, shinobi or not. He didn't even want to touch the fact that storage seals were meant to only be used on paper. "You'd be surprised what you can cobble together out of the landfill sensei..."
Ignoring the fact that the brat seemed to have read his mind, he decided to continue explaining the test. "Right... get a bell, get freedom... don't and well... there are things far worse in store should you not get a bell."
"Can we get this over with?" Sakura asked in a bored tone as she levered herself off the ground. "I'm supposed to meet with the lawyers for dinner and would rather get a shower before then."
"Fair enough," Kakashi answered as the boys joined their teammate on the field of combat. "You have three hours. Begin!"
What happened next was something that he could never have predicted from reading over their profiles. Sakura and Sasuke simply picked up their teammate and threw him at the instructor. Said teammate turned into a swarm of clones, which would have been fine, save for one tiny factoid.
As they landed, he found out that each of the two-hundred some clones that were being flung at him had been overloaded with chakra. This lead to a rather experience of being blown up several times over, with no escape route.
A week later, he woke up in the hospital, sharing a room with his three students. He knew they were his students, since there was a giant banner on the opposite wall that read "Get Well Soon Team Kakashi."
Maybe paying for a few missions at the academy, an accounting firm, and travel line might be a good idea. And should none of them return, well there were cases where ninjas simply vanished. He'd always wanted to try and be a pirate, and if these three were to be his students, he doubted he'd survive long trying to convince them to be shinobi.
"Maa... what have we learned?" Kakashi asked the group, wondering if any of the burn victims were awake other than himself.
Less chraka per clone unless you want them to blow up on you," Naruto stated calmly from his bed, the full body-cast doing more to hold him in place then set his bones. He'd been healed up for a couple days already, but the doctors had orders that he wasn't to leave until the entire team was able to depart together. He was also being forced to eat vegetables and meals that didn't consist of noodles in broth.
They would pay for that... oh yes, they would...
Sakura mumbled something through the bandages covering her face, while Sasuke just grunted in pain. "They say also that plans such as Uzumaki Armageddon strike should be a last ditch idea."
"Very good, now, can someone reach the remote?" Kakashi asked as his eyes located a clock. He knew the channel the hospital had on, and knew what was about to appear.
"No, that is part of the punishment..." Naruto stated with a dead sounding voice, "They're hoping we'll be a happy family..."
'Must not chidori my eardrums... Must not chidori my eardrums...' Kakashi mentally chanted as a dreaded purple and green dinosaur walked onto the television screen before him. Perhaps he should have passed a team prior to this one?
After all, that one group which with three cannibals didn't seem so bad right now. They were fine young cannibals, and should have been strong supporters of Konoha, if only they hadn't mistaken him when he said bells. Never before had three children tried to grope him, and he prayed that it never would happen again, or at least until the bruising his bits took during that test had faded.
Paraphrased challenge: Team Seven do not want to be ninjas, but have reasons that caused them to be forced into it. Sakura to ensure her family achieves the coveted clan status. Sasuke wants out to spit Itachi, but can't get anyone to agree with his decision. Naruto, upon learning he's the jinchuuriki is reinforced in his desire to get out of Konoha ASAP, already an accomplished escape artist. He really loathes the Yondaime right now.