A/N Thank you all for being so lovely and thank you for the well wishes for my dad. He got out of the hospital yesterday.

Hope you enjoy this update and I will try to post again soon.

Chapter 12

"Fuck!" Spencer exclaimed as she struggled to open a new carton of orange juice that she'd bought on the way home from school. She had no patience to calmly figure out why it wasn't opening. That resulted in even more frustration from her when the carton ripped open and orange juice went everywhere. "Fuck!" she repeated before she kicked the fridge, because clearly it was the fridge's fault for everything.

As the blonde worked on cleaning up the giant mess in her kitchen she continued to ignore her phone, which wouldn't stop going off. Ashley had been trying to reach her since she'd made up some excuse about not feeling well in Home Ec. She'd asked Ms. Devereux to be excused and even though she skipped her last class as well, Spencer had stayed to get a ride from Sean.

He could immediately tell that something was wrong, but Spencer refused to talk about why she was in an awful mood. She had no desire to explain why she had gone from the highest of highs, to the lowest of lows.

For someone who was used to shutting her emotions down and living on a pretty even keel, the last three days were finally starting to take a toll. All that anger that had seemingly disappeared since she first kissed Ashley was back.

And then some.

Spencer had spent the last few hours berating herself for being an idiot—for believing that life could actually not suck for a while. The blonde had let go of her cynical point of view and it had gotten her a good kick in the teeth.

It would have been hard for her to describe how gutted she felt when Ashley made plans with Aiden. She was given a stark reminder about the reality she was keen to avoid.

She had once again allowed Ashley still to wreak havoc in her life.

All because her hormones had gone berserk.

She was so mad at herself for allowing this to happen. There was a reason why Spencer did her best not to care about things. It prevented her from getting hurt.

And she was hurting now.

She literally felt a pain in her chest as she thought of what Aiden and Ashley were doing together. Ashley had probably forgotten all about her – again – as she did god knows what with her boyfriend.

Boyfriend.

Ashley was straight.

And Aiden was her boyfriend.

That word made Spencer sick to her stomach.

When the floor was no longer sticky, Spencer decided to order a pizza for dinner. She could only guess what would happen if she attempted to cook while in the mood she was in.

Once she had done that, she decided to watch TV, hoping it would prove to be a much needed distraction. But the blonde was too upset to concentrate on anything. She'd watch a show for a minute or two before changing the channel.

It was pointless.

Spencer couldn't think of anything other than Ashley.

Thankfully the doorbell rang before she could get too swept up in her feelings. Spencer got some money from what her dad had left her and then she went to open the door.

There wasn't a pizza delivery guy on the other side of the door though. Instead, an anxious-looking brunette stood before her with a pizza in her hand.

"I paid the driver," Ashley explained when she saw the confused look on Spencer's face. The confusion quickly turned to anger and before she knew it, she was getting a door slammed in her face. "Spencer, wait!"

"Go to hell," Spencer replied no longer hungry. The nerve that Ashley had showing up to her house! After what she had done!

Facing Spencer was not easy for Ashley. But she had to do this. It wasn't fair otherwise, and she'd already screwed up enough with the blonde. She owed her an apology and an explanation. The problem was, Spencer wasn't going to make it easy for her to do either of those things.

Luckily, Ashley had pretty good reflexes, so she was able to stop the door before it closed. The pain in her foot from doing that would hopefully go away.

"Get out," Spencer ordered when she saw Ashley close the door behind her.

Ashley gulped. "No."

"Now," Spencer said. It had been a long time since she had allowed herself to get this upset. She hated feeling this way. "I have nothing to say to you."

Ashley placed the pizza box on the floor, but she wasn't going anywhere. "Well, I have something to say to you and you're-"

"What are you going to tell me?" Spencer asked rhetorically. Her whole body was tense. "How much fun you had with your boyfriend today?"

"I'm sorry about earlier," Ashley said sincerely. She was trying her best to stay calm so things didn't spiral out of control. "If you just give me a chance to-"

"A chance?" Spencer's voice was dripping with sarcasm. "You think you deserve a chance with me?"

Ashley sighed. "Please, I know how much I've hurt you-"

Spencer was not interested in letting the brunette explain anything to her. Why should she? There was enough evidence in her past to prove that Ashley wasn't trustworthy. And Spencer hated that she had allowed herself to forget all about that. "Do you, Ashley? Do you really have any idea what my life has been like since you decided I was no longer good enough to be your friend?"

"No, I don't," Ashley admitted.

"That's right, you don't. Not one bit." Spencer was on a roll and she wasn't going to stop until she said everything she'd been holding back. "You were my best friend. My best friend! And when I told you that I thought I liked girls it was like a switch turned off for you. Do you have any idea how hard that was for me to tell you? How scared I was?"

Ashley shook her head, but didn't say anything.

"Losing you was awful," Spencer continued. "I trusted you with my biggest secret and that seemed to mean nothing to you. Then I lost Clay, my whole family imploded and I had nobody."

"I'm so sorry," Ashley said as she started to cry. She had run from what she had done and now it was all catching up to her. Whatever reason she had for running from her feelings, Ashley knew Spencer didn't deserve anything that happened to her as a result of that.

"I don't want your apology and I don't want your tears," Spencer told the blonde, her voice was devoid of any emotion. Her eyes though, her eyes gave away exactly what she was feeling. "I just want you to go. I can't believe I let you hurt me again, but I've learned my lesson. Whatever this was between us, it stops immediately."

Ashley's heart deflated. She had thought that she couldn't possibly hate herself more, but hearing Spencer's words had disproved that theory. What she had done was unforgivable and she didn't blame her former friend for thinking the worst of her. She had earned that reputation. "OK," Ashley choked out; she wasn't going to push Spencer, but she did have one thing she had to tell her. It wasn't going to matter much anymore, but she had to get it out. "I broke up with Aiden today, that's what I came by to tell you. And even though it makes no difference now, I need you to know that."

With that, Ashley left, closing the door softly behind her.

Spencer stood there for a few minutes after Ashley had gone without moving. She was in shock. There were a lot of things that Spencer had thought the brunette was going to say to her: a lame apology, perhaps, about having to go with Aiden; or maybe an assurance that it would never happen again; or maybe a plea for more time to figure out what she wanted. But she definitely didn't expect her to announce that she had broken up with him.

Ashley had broken up with Aiden.

Spencer kept repeating those words but they still weren't sinking in.

She had jumped all over Ashley, bringing up everything that had happened in the past, because she had been scared. It's not that she didn't have the right to tell the other girl how she had been hurt. Ashley absolutely needed to hear that. Those wounds that she had caused were not healed by any stretch of the imagination.

What had fueled Spencer going off on the brunette was the fear that Ashley was not going to choose her. She hadn't chosen her before, so why was now different? The possibility that she would face that kind of rejection for a second time had been too much for Spencer. She had assumed the worst and been completely wrong.

Sure, there was the chance that Ashley breaking up with Aiden wasn't really about her. But that possibility didn't seem plausible to the blonde, even with her nagging self-doubt.

The evidence seemed to be there to support Spencer's conclusion. Ashley had come over, clearly wanting to talk. She had begged the blonde to hear her out. The way in which she had announced her break up wasn't done to prove a point.

Even with her justification for telling the brunette how she had been hurt, Spencer still felt awful. The truth was if she didn't want something more with Ashley she wouldn't have reacted the way she did. That much was obvious. There was no denying how strong the physical attraction Spencer had for Ashley was. And as much as she had enjoyed that aspect of the last three days, it was actually being with Ashley that she craved the most.

You don't spend years being someone's best friend without missing that person with all your heart. Spencer rarely allowed herself to admit how much she missed Ashley. It was too painful. Instead, she threw around words like hate to make it seem like not having the brunette in her life was no big deal.

It really was the biggest deal.

That wasn't to say she didn't love Sean with all her heart because Spencer really did. But what she had with him friendship-wise couldn't really compare to the closeness she had experienced with Ashley. The blonde hadn't realized just how much she had been missing it until the last few days.

Now it would seem she was the one faced with a decision.

She had told Ashley to leave her alone, and it seemed like those wishes would be obeyed. But did Spencer really want that?

When she dropped her defenses—the ones she'd built around her heart to protect her—the answer to what she wanted was clear.

Spencer knew what she had to do.

She had to find a way to get to Ashley.

And there really was only one option at present for that to happen. Although it had been a few years since she had ridden it, there was a bike in the garage that would get her where she wanted to go. It wasn't the ideal solution to her transportation issues, but it would have to do.

On the ride over to Ashley's she had a lot of time to think things over. There were still some doubts in her mind that she was making the wrong choice. But they weren't strong enough for Spencer to change her mind. She had to see this through, whatever happened.

What Spencer hadn't counted on was how out of shape she was in. The half hour it used to take her to get to Ashley's was now closer to forty-five minutes. What had once felt like no effort to get to the brunette's house was now causing Spencer to pant and sweat way more than she would have liked.

When the blonde finally arrived at the house she knew so well, she was a mess—both emotionally and physically. Any thoughts of changing her mind were gone when she saw Ashley's car in the driveway. She had not made the journey over to walk away now.

Spencer rang on the doorbell, still short of breath but more determined than she could remember feeling. When the maid answered the door, she wasn't sure whether she was happy for the temporary reprieve or disappointed it wasn't Ashley.

"I'll, uh, I'll show myself up," Spencer breathed out. She could only imagine how red her face was. She was sweating so much her shirt was sticking to her back. When the maid started to protest, Spencer assured her it was fine and then took off for Ashley's room before she could be stopped. If she was given too much time to contemplate things, the blonde was sure she would turn around and leave.

Spencer stood outside Ashley's door for a few seconds trying to compose herself. She did her best to catch her breath and calm down. It was easier said than done. There was no way to know for certain what she would find on the other side of the door. Even though in her gut she knew Ashley wanted the same things that she did, there was still the chance of rejection.

And no matter how small that chance was, it was still terrifying.

Before she could talk herself out of doing what she came to do, Spencer knocked on Ashley's door. She felt butterflies forming in her stomach almost instantly. When the brunette didn't emerge after a minute or so, Spencer knocked again.

Unfortunately she was met once more with silence.

Although not one to usually invade someone's privacy, Spencer made the decision that this was a one-time exception.

She slowly turned the knob, with a shaking hand. When the door was still ajar, she peaked inside to find Ashley lying on the bed, eyes closed, with her all too familiar ear buds in.

Spencer felt immediate relief that Ashley was actually inside. Just seeing her was enough to calm her down a bit. Although her throat was dry and it was difficult to force a word out, she called out Ashley's name hoping that it was loud enough for the other girl to hear.

Ashley's eyes flew open. She sat up right away and looked at Spencer with an expression that was equal parts confused and shocked. She pulled the ear buds out of her ears, her heart pounding. "Spencer?"

"The one and only," Spencer wheezed out. She wasn't sure if it was the adrenaline wearing off that was causing her to have trouble breathing, or just a culmination of her emotions being all over the place. "Shit," she said as she tried to catch her breath.

Ashley watched in horror as Spencer started to sway. Putting aside the many questions that she had for the blonde, she got up and helped her over to the bed. "Are you OK?"

Instead of talking because it wasn't a possibility right then, Spencer nodded her head. She could see how worried Ashley was about her. It made the hairs on the back of her neck stand up. Or it could be the fact that the brunette was touching her. How she could ever give think of giving this feeling up was ludicrous, Spencer thought to herself. "Water," she croaked out.

Ashley sprinted over to her school bag, grabbed the spare bottle of water that she kept there and was back at Spencer's side in no time. She wanted more than anything to rub the blonde's back or do something to help calm her down. But Ashley held back. She wasn't sure what Spencer was doing there and she didn't want to cross any lines that she didn't have the right to cross.

Walking away from Spencer had been hard for Ashley. Although she had done it once before, this time was very different. She was still scared about things, that much hadn't changed, but she was hoping that she could over come that. Her first step had been to fix a mistake that had been a long time coming.

Breaking up with Aiden had been a surprisingly easy decision to make.

When he had gotten in her car after school, Ashley looked at him and realized how wrong everything was. She was with Aiden for appearances only. Deep down the brunette had always known that. It wasn't that things with Aiden were awful, but when he touched her or kissed her, there was no spark there.

Nothing.

It wasn't like touching or kissing Spencer. That was electrifying.

She couldn't be with him anymore when it felt so wrong. It wasn't fair to either of them. Mostly, Ashley felt it wasn't fair to Spencer. When she had seen how affected the blonde had been by what happened in Home Ec, she knew that couldn't happen again.

Aiden had taken the news pretty well. She explained that things had changed between them and she hoped that they could still be friends. When Aiden left without asking for another chance or for her to change her mind, the brunette had the feeling he wasn't too upset about the news she'd given him. When she didn't feel sad or upset once he was gone, she was absolutely sure she'd made the right decision.

Ashley reasoned that should have felt something after ending a nearly two-year relationship, but she didn't. All she felt was the ever-present need to get to Spencer. Aiden felt like an afterthought – a pretty accurate description to what he had always been in her life.

When Spencer had unleashed her feelings at her, Ashley had felt all her hopes and desires for what could be, disappear. As much as she was finally willing to face what she'd run from before, she hadn't taken the blonde's feelings into consideration. Her cowardice had hurt the other girl in a way that Ashley was sure she would never fully understand.

How arrogant had she been to assume that a second chance was something that Spencer even wanted? She wasn't giving up on things when she obeyed Spencer's wishes; it was more about respecting that even if she was ready to face her past, the blonde wasn't.

And she might not ever be ready.

The problem with that theory was the very real Spencer sitting beside her now. Ashley didn't want to get her hopes up, but that was proving practically impossible. But she wouldn't make assumptions, that was a mistake she wouldn't repeat.

"Do you need more water?" Ashley asked when the blonde had finished the bottle.

Spencer shook her head. "No, I'm good." Well, that was mostly true. "Sorry about that. I'm apparently in awful shape."

"Uh, OK." Ashley was confused.

"I'm not sorry for what I said to you before," Spencer started awkwardly. She wasn't in the mood for small talk. "But," Ashley's eyes widened, she held her breath for what the blonde was going to say next, "I don't want to be done with you either."

"Really?" Ashley asked, not believing what she had heard.

Spencer was fidgeting with her fingers as she locked eyes with the brunette. "I'm not sure what this is or where we go from here," she paused to get rid of the lump in her throat, "I just know I'm not ready for you to be gone from my life again."

"I'm not ready for that either," Ashley admitted without hesitation. There was so much more she wanted to get off her chest, but she was going to let Spencer drive where things went.

"There's no way I can ride my bike back to my house," Spencer said as her hand went over the brunette's. "Not if I want to be able to move tomorrow," she added making Ashley chuckle. "I have a pizza that's probably cold still on the floor of my entrance way, and if you would be kind as to give me a ride home, maybe you can share it with me and we can talk."

Ashley couldn't contain her smile. She had gone from thinking that she had screwed everything up to thinking that there was hope after all. "That's the best offer I've had in a very long time." She pulled the blonde to her feet and was happy beyond words when her smile was returned. "You think you can make it to the door or do you need me to carry you?"

"Very funny," Spencer replied sarcastically but the smile remained on her face.

She followed Ashley out the door trying hard not to think about how things would go when they got back to her house.