A/N I am so sorry for disappearing, but things with my dad have taken up a lot of my time lately. My goal is to get back to regular posting and responding to reviews this week, thanks for your patience :)
I hope you guys enjoy this chapter.
Chapter 13
"Thanks for dinner," Ashley said once she was finished her second slice of pizza. She was trying not to focus on the impending talk that was coming, but that was all she could think about.
It had been Spencer's idea to keep the conversation light until after they had eaten, which had resulted in minimal talking and a lot of shy glances between the two girls. That wasn't a bad thing necessarily, but it did make them feel a bit awkward.
Spencer put her plate down and then she gave the brunette a small smile. "I believe I'm the one who should be thanking you, seeing as you paid for it."
Ashley felt her cheeks redden. "Oh, right, I forgot about that."
"I guess we can't avoid this all night," Spencer said with a sigh. As much as there were things that needed to be cleared up, she wasn't one for big heart-to-heart talks. Her instincts were telling her to flee the scene, but Spencer wasn't going to do that, even if she wasn't sure where things were going. She had things she needed to find out before any kind of decisions could be made. "Why did you break up with Aiden?"
Ashley took some time to consider her answer. "I didn't want to be with him any more," she finally said.
"Because of me?" Spencer asked quietly. It was a very difficult question for her to ask, she wasn't used to putting her heart on the line like she was doing.
"Yes and no," Ashley replied. "Things with Aiden haven't been good for a very long time. He, uh…" she hesitated with how to best explain things. "It never really felt right with him. I tried a lot, but after what happened between you and me, I realized I didn't want to try any longer."
"If things weren't good, why didn't you break up with him before?" Spencer inquired. She was doing her best not to make the brunette feel like she was on the receiving end of the third degree.
Ashley shrugged, but she knew why. "He was someone I was expected to date. I thought I had to be with him and if I didn't want to, there was something wrong with me."
"And all that's changed because we kissed?"
"It's not that it's changed," Ashley started. It was really hard to confess things she hadn't wanted to face about herself for the longest time. Even if things with Spencer never progressed to where she wanted them to be, the blonde had a right to know what Ashley had kept hidden for so long. "I was never disgusted with you when you told me you thought you liked girls," the words that needed to come out got stuck in the brunette's throat, "I was terrified because I was pretty sure I felt the same way."
Spencer's eyes widened; Ashley's admission had caught her by surprise. "You've felt that way all this time?"
Ashley nodded. She knew she had to tell the blonde everything. "It wasn't just girls that I liked, it was you."
"What?" Spencer had no idea how to react to that news. She couldn't wrap her head around the fact that Ashley supposedly liked her and yet she ran away instead of ever facing it. "I can't believe that." She wasn't trying to be harsh, just honest.
"I don't blame you," Ashley said sadly. She had completely broken the trust that she had with Spencer. Even she had a hard coming to terms with the many mistakes she'd made. "How I acted was inexcusable."
"Yeah, it was," Spencer told the other girl harshly. She could feel her anger rising, which wasn't what she wanted at all. It didn't stop those feelings from coming out however. "How could you be friends with Madison? You stood by and let her say all those horrible things to me, when she could have been saying them to you! I don't get you, Ashley."
"I'm sorry," she whispered. "I know that doesn't make up for what happened but-"
"You're right, it doesn't," Spencer said sharply. She let out another sigh before she continued. As much as she wanted to grill Ashley about her behaviour, that's not why she had invited her over. Yelling wasn't going to solve the unresolved issues between them. She still couldn't quite understand all of Ashley's actions, nor was she ready to say she forgave her for them. That would have to come with time, if Spencer was willing to take that chance. "I want to believe that you're being truthful, but I don't know if I can."
"That's fair, Spence," Ashley paused, worried at first that she was going to get admonished by the blonde for using her name with familiarity she hadn't earned back. When that didn't happen she felt relief and kept talking. "I didn't break up with Aiden with the expectation that you'd be jumping for joy and let me back in. I did it because I know if there is going to be any chance for me to be a part of your life going forward, I have to start being honest."
Spencer stayed silent as she absorbed what Ashley was telling her. It would be so easy to dismiss everything and go back to the way things were. She had survived long enough without Ashley in her life. Was that enough though? Spencer was well aware what her head was telling her. People don't change and some mistaken can never be forgiven.
On the other hand, if she let Ashley go, the blonde was pretty sure she'd regret it. There was no doubt she would be taking a risk if she made the decision her heart was telling her to take.
It was a tough call.
"Whatever you want me to do to gain your trust, I'll do it," Ashley offered sincerely. She was laying things out on the table for Spencer. It was the only way this could happen. And if it didn't, as hard as that would be, at least she tried.
The one thing Ashley hadn't been able to live with since leaving Spencer was not trying. She had given up when things had gotten hard and look where that had gotten her.
"Even if that means us trying to be friends again?" Spencer asked, the anger gone from her voice. There would be an opportunity for her anger to be dealt with later. Now it was more important to see where things stood between her and Ashley. "Just friends?"
"Whatever you need," Ashley said without hesitation. She was disappointed by the blonde's suggestion, but that didn't mean she was going to say no. It was amazing that Spencer was even willing to talk to her, let alone consider being friends after what she'd done. It wouldn't change the fact that she wanted more, but that wasn't her priority at the moment. Proving to the blonde that she was trustworthy was what was important.
"I can't guarantee that things will work out," Spencer told the brunette. She had to be honest, too; otherwise it wouldn't work. "You've hurt me a lot, and that doesn't go away just because we both want it to."
"I know." Ashley hoped more than anything that Spencer could tell she was being sincere. "This isn't about getting what I want or having to get an answer from you tonight. Whatever way you'll have me in your life, I will take it."
Spencer took her time mulling over Ashley's response. Her gut was telling her that the other girl was telling the truth. "And if I want more?"
Ashley was confused. "What do you mean?"
"This is what I mean," Spencer gave the brunette a bashful smile. She was so far out of her comfort zone. And as terrifying as it was to be there, it was exhilarating as well. She moved over to Ashley to give her the softest of kisses. This was the first time the two girls had kissed outside a moment of anger or out of control hormones.
The kiss made Ashley quiver as she fought against trying to deepen it or escalate things. She was still in awe that her night had turned out so well.
When Spencer pulled back, her heart fluttered at the expression on Ashley's face. As cautious as she wanted to be, she had a feeling that would prove to be more difficult than she would have liked. "I'm not ready to label us though," the blonde said, hoping not to spoil the mood in the room. "Are you OK with that?"
Ashley chuckled, still not quite able to believe how different her night was playing out then she thought it would after leaving Spencer's only hours ago. "I'm not one for labels either. I don't know that I'm ready to be out and proud yet," she acknowledged. Things had changed so quickly in her life, Ashley needed time to process. "Are you OK with that?"
"Do you plan on kissing anybody besides me?" Spencer asked without sounding combative. Ashley shook her head vehemently. "Are you going to ignore me at school when we're not in Home Ec?" Ashley shook her head again. She might not be ready to face everything being with Spencer entailed, but she wasn't going to turn her back on the blonde either. There would be consequences to that and hopefully she was ready to face them. "Then I think we're good."
"I can't believe I'm here with you," Ashley said.
Spencer took the brunette's hand in hers. She marveled at the sensations that touching the other girl caused her own body to feel. She slid her fingers in and out of Ashley's, getting lost in how amazing it felt. "I can't believe it either."
There was one more thing on Ashley's mind that she needed to get out in the open. It wasn't topic she really wanted to discuss, truth be told. "Are you sure you don't mind, uh, what I told you the other day?"
Her question was met with confusion. Spencer had no idea what Ashley was referring to. It was only when she saw how red the brunette's face was and how fascinating the floor suddenly became that she clued into what the other girl meant. "You mean about you being a virgin?"
Ashley noticeably cringed. She hated that word. Maybe this was something that could be discussed later. However it had been enough of an issue with her and Aiden that she needed to know for certain what Spencer thought about it. Sure the other day she had played it off as no big deal. In a moment that wasn't fueled by need, Ashley wondered how Spencer truly felt about her lack of experience. And she wasn't even willing to address her lack of experience with girls right then. "Yeah, that's what I mean."
"I wasn't lying when I told you that it didn't bother me," Spencer could see how uncomfortable the brunette was, "but thanks for thinking that all I want is to jump in bed with you."
"What? No?" Ashley practically shrieked. She was so used to saying the wrong thing to Spencer that she didn't notice the smile on the other girl's face. "I was just-"
"Relax," Spencer cut the brunette off before she could get too worked up. "I was just teasing."
"Oh," Ashley felt her heart rate slow down a little. It soon picked right back up when Spencer moved even closer to her. "Well, OK then."
Although there were other things she wanted to be doing, and the idea of bringing up his name was not ideal, there was something that Spencer had to know. "Did, uh, did Aiden make you feel bad for not wanting to uh…"
The question didn't need to be finished for Ashley to understand what Spencer was asking. They might not have been friends for a long time, but talking to the blonde felt as easy as it always had for Ashley. Even if the subject matter wasn't something she wanted to discuss. "Yeah, he was always trying to get me to change my mind. He told me that if I loved him, I'd have sex with him."
This was the first time Ashley had ever told anyone about Aiden saying that kind of thing to her. She never would have confided in Madison, especially considering that she felt the same way about Ashley's decision to wait to have sex. She didn't blame Aiden because she was convinced the problem was with her.
"For fuck's sake, Ashley!" Spencer was livid. In that moment she wanted to find Aiden and punch him really hard in the face. "Why would you stay with someone who said that to you?" She was going to rant more until she saw how Ashley was reacting to her words. "Sorry, I'm not trying to judge you, but anyone who wants to be with you should respect that you'll be ready when you're ready."
"I don't know," the brunette lied. She knew exactly why she stayed with Aiden. Why she put up with the pressure and why she put up with the cheating she always suspected him of. OK, maybe he wasn't the greatest guy after all. It hadn't seemed that bad to Ashley before, but now as she sat there with Spencer looking at her so intently, she was able to see things from a different perspective. "I guess," this was going to be hard to get out, "I guess I figured I didn't deserve anyone better."
Spencer wasn't sure how to react or what to say without yelling again. It burned at her that Ashley would take that kind of behavior. It didn't matter then that a couple of weeks before she would have agreed that the other girl didn't deserve to be happy. "Everyone deserves to be with someone who respects them." She brought Ashley's hand up to her mouth to give it a gentle kiss. "I won't ever pressure you to do something you don't want to do."
Ashley felt warm all over. "Thank you."
"You don't have to thank me," Spencer replied, her eyes were looking directly into the brunette's. "You should expect that of me."
A part of Ashley wondered if being with girls in general meant they were more thoughtful, or if it was just being with Spencer. She suspected it was a combination of both. It made her want to kick herself for living in denial for so long. "Are you always this sweet?" Ashley asked conveniently forgetting just how not sweet the blonde could be.
"Not really. How else do you think I expect to get in your pants?" Spencer joked.
"Hey!" Ashley exclaimed even though she knew the other girl was teasing. "Way to ruin a moment!" The brunette wanted to keep the mood light, but she couldn't stop herself from talking about difficult things. "Have you, uh, have you had," she was getting flustered, "have you been with a lot of, uh, girls?"
Spencer sucked in her breath at hearing Ashley's question. It wasn't like she had girls falling all over her, but she had more than her fair share of experience. Never one to get serious, the blonde allowed herself in this one area an opportunity to feel something besides miserable. There may also have been an element of "fuck you" to her mom to her actions because she knew how she was being judged.
Not to mention that Spencer was a teenager being raised in an environment with little to no supervision. She needed an outlet and she used having fun with girls was that outlet.
It sounded so bad when it was put that way, but Spencer wasn't going to apologize for her actions. There was nothing wrong with what she'd done. At least, she hoped Ashley wasn't going to think that there was.
"I've been out a long time," Spencer eventually said. She didn't imagine that the other girl was looking for a detailed account of all her experience. "But what I've done before doesn't mean I'm sitting here comparing you to who I've been with."
A pit formed in Ashley's stomach when she heard Spencer's answer. Not because she was being critical of the blonde's choices – that was not something she had any right to do. But there was a thought in her head that she couldn't compete with what Spencer had already experienced—regardless of the assurance that she received.
"You're over thinking this, Ash," Spencer could tell how the other girl was reacting to what she had found out. "Do you really believe I'd be willing to give us a chance if I didn't find you insanely attractive?"
Ashley could not believe how easy it was for Spencer to make her blush. She had never considered herself the kind of person to blush that much. Until now. Her whole body became flushed both at the use of the word "us" and that the blonde found her attractive. "I guess not," she replied, still not completely without doubts, but not willing to let them get in the way of what she wanted.
"You're really uptight, you know," Spencer teased with a mischievous smile on her face. Maybe this wouldn't be so hard after all. "You probably need to get laid or something."
"I can't believe you said that!" Ashley squealed, but she wasn't mad. Sure, Madison had said pretty much those exact words to her not that long ago. But this was different.
Spencer was different.
The brunette could see the twinkle in the blue eyes that made her heart flutter. That didn't mean she was going to let that comment go however.
Ashley went to nudge the other girl in the shoulder, but at the last minute changed her mind.
What she decided to do instead, was tackle Spencer in order to get an apology out of her. Ashley hadn't counted on Spencer fighting back and that resulted in a battle for dominance that both girls wanted to win.
Much to the blonde's surprise, she soon found herself pinned underneath Ashley with the girl above her giving her a victorious smile.
When Ashley crashed her lips on to Spencer's, she made a mental note to let the other girl win more often.