A/N This will be the last update for a little while because I'm heading out on vacation later this week.

I know I'm a broken record, but I can't say thank you enough to those of you who read and take the time to leave me feedback.

I will see you again in a few weeks :)

Chapter 16

When Ashley had told Spencer that she didn't think they should be friends, it was probably the worst Ashley had ever felt. Watching the blonde's face drop and then dissolve into tears was painful to see, so she didn't even want to consider how it must have been for Spencer. When the blonde had run out of her house, Ashley wanted more than anything to chase after her.

But that never happened.

Instead, Ashley had made the biggest mistake of her life and immediately knew it had been the wrong choice. The worst knowing that had she gone back and apologized, Spencer would have forgiven her. That's the kind of friend that she was. The blonde was kind and sweet, two qualities that Ashley loved her dearly for.

Among many other things.

Instead of pushing the blonde away, Ashley should have talked to her about her feelings. It had been such a selfish thing to walk away from her best friend just because she was scared that she might love her more than she thought she should have.

And here she was, years later, faced with a similar situation. Sure, Ashley hadn't intended to upset Spencer, but she did. If she didn't go after Spencer, it would mean she was repeating the mistakes of her past. If she did go after her, she could be faced with a situation that she didn't know if she could handle.

But the decision was actually an easy one. The look in Spencer's eyes when she had brought up her dad made the brunette's heart ache. There was no way she could possibly walk away when Spencer was hurting.

She wouldn't do that again. She couldn't.

Spencer deserved more than that. Even if she met with resistance, Ashley had to try reaching the blonde. That had been her fault before: she had given up on what she had with Spencer before she even knew what that was.

Although Ashley had no idea where Spencer might have gone, she was going to find her no matter what. But when she flung open Spencer's front door, she found her sitting on the top step of the porch. Ashley couldn't see her face, but she could imagine how upset the blonde was. Clearly, her dad was a touchy subject.

Without waiting for an invitation, Ashley sat down next to Spencer hoping that she wouldn't get up and leave again. She dared not touch her, which was tough for Ashley because all she wanted to do was comfort Spencer. But she hadn't yet earned that right, so she was going to let the blonde dictate what happened next.

Spencer was staring off into space. She'd wanted to run away-to get as far away from the brunette as possible. She didn't want to talk about her dad to anyone, let alone to someone she wasn't sure she could fully trust. Spencer hated talking about her feelings. She didn't see the point when she knew nothing would change. Her dad was still going to be someone who drank too much and she was still going to feel let down by him.

What good was it to open old wounds?

What stopped her from leaving was the memory of Ashley's face when their conversation had turned to her dad. She saw pity in Ashley's eyes, and the blonde hated feeling like she was being pitied. But there was something more there, too. She saw genuine concern and it dawned on her that Ashley cared about her. And that is what made her stop running.

Of course, Spencer didn't want to believe it at first, especially since nothing Ashley had done over the last three years had given Spencer any indication that she cared.

But the brunette's eyes had never lied to her before.

Spencer could always read those eyes and that, at least, hadn't changed. Logically she knew Ashley hadn't mentioned her dad to upset her. And somewhere deep inside, she also knew that she couldn't keep holding things in forever. Anger was an especially difficult emotion to carry, and she was tired of it.

That didn't mean that talking about what she was going through was going to be easy. It was terrifying for Spencer. She had so many things on her mind, but all Spencer could do right then was stay inside herself while trying to figure out a way to let go.

Ashley was also scared. The silence from Spencer made her even more concerned than she was already. She wanted to do whatever she could to fix what was wrong, but she knew that wasn't realistic. Ashley wished that the other girl would look at her so she could get a sense of what was going on in that head of hers. But Spencer's eyes wouldn't make contact with hers. Everything was tense, and when Ashley couldn't take it anymore, she did the only thing that made sense: she placed her hand on top of Spencer's and gave it a squeeze. She needed a way to tell the blonde that she was there for her without using words. It was up to Spencer to lead the conversation when she decided what she wanted to do.

A lump formed in Spencer's throat at Ashley's touch. But that touch gave her the courage to speak, even if she couldn't yet look at Ashley. "My dad's an alcoholic," she said quietly, her heart thumping in her chest. "He's an alcoholic and I've only said that to one other person. And Sean and I haven't talked about it since. I hate that my dad's an alcoholic. I hate that he chooses to drink instead of taking care of me. It hurts so much that I can't even think about it."

Now that Spencer had opened the door to what she'd kept inside, there seemed to be no stopping what she was going to say. "I hate that my mother thinks I'm some kind of deviant because I'm gay. I hate that she can't even look at me and has basically stopped caring about me. I hate that some asshole took Clay from me when he was the one person in my family that I could count on. Losing him still hurts, and I'm not sure that feeling will ever go away."

Ashley began to cry—not just because of what Spencer said but also because of how detached she sounded when she was speaking.

"I hate that you stopped being my friend," Spencer continued, her voice finally cracking. She hadn't meant to dredge up the past, but if things with Ashley were going to keep progressing she felt at this point that she had to get everything out. "I hate that every time I've needed you over the last three years you've been off with Madison, being her friend. She's so awful, Ashley, and I can't understand why you chose her over me.

"I hate needing anyone, and I've felt for so long that I've needed you." The blonde started to felt sick. "I hate how vulnerable I feel right now and I hate that if you walk away from this I'll have allowed you back in my life to hurt me again."

The weight of what Spencer had gotten off her chest hung in the air between the two girls. Spencer was too scared to look at Ashley. The fact that she had left herself so open to being hurt made it difficult for her to breathe properly.

For Ashley, there had been so many things thrown at her, she didn't know where to start, and this was too important for her to mess up. "I'm not going anywhere," she eventually said. There was no hint of defensiveness in her tone. She needed to hear what Spencer had told her. And she needed to convey what she felt as clearly as possible. "I know that probably doesn't mean much to you, but it's the truth. I won't push you away. As long as you want me around, I will be here."

Spencer absorbed the brunette's words. She tried not to let her tendency to be closed off get in the way of Ashley's sentiment. As good as it felt to hear that – and what she heard did make her feel warm inside – it somehow didn't feel enough. Words were just words. What if things got tough? Would Ashley bail? Plus, there were so many uncertainties regarding what they were to each other and where they were headed. Spencer was doing her very best not to focus on that. Those questions would have to be addressed as time went on and Spencer knew for certain she could really trust Ashley again.

Ashley did her best to not interpret the silence from Spencer as a bad sign. She was trying to let the other girl process her words without pressuring her. Regardless of all of that, butterflies were still going off in Ashley's stomach like mad. "Look, Spence, what you've told me today…" the brunette stopped talking to gently turn Spencer's head in her direction. What she needed to get out was important. She tried not to get distracted when she saw Spencer's watery eyes. "I can't tell you how much I enjoy what we have from a physical standpoint." Her words felt awkward, but Ashley knew the message was critical enough for her to push past that.

"A physical standpoint?" Spencer repeated trying to lighten the mood a little. It felt out of place but it's how she coped when things got serious.

"You know what I mean," Ashley was trying not blush without much success. She was still holding Spencer's hand. "What I'm trying to say is, if you need a friend I can be that for you," she was getting frustrated because she didn't think she was making much sense. "If you would rather have me as just a friend, I can be that for you." Ashley was still convinced she wasn't being clear. "Don't get me wrong, I don't want to stop what we've been doing, because it's been pretty awesome, but you know-"

"Ashley," Spencer said to rescue the other girl from rambling on, "I got it."

"Oh, OK, good," the brunette breathed out. She saw that Spencer's eyes had dried up. It was difficult to get a read on whether that was a good or bad thing. "I meant every word that I said, Spence."

Spencer was uneasy. It was hard for her to feel so many things at one time. "I know," she told Ashley quietly. It was an interesting offer that Ashley had made. But ultimately, it wasn't one she was going to take. "But I can't just be your friend, Ashley," Spencer leaned over to brush her lips against the brunette's. "I don't want to give this up."

Hormones absolutely played a part in Spencer's decision. What she had experienced with Ashley since that angry first kiss was better than any other girl the blonde had been with—that much had already been established. Kissing Ashley was addictive.

But there was something more to it than just how her body reacted to Ashley.

There were deep feelings—long ignored—that were also coming to the surface. Spencer had cut herself off from all feeling and, now that she was experiencing them again, she wasn't ready to go back to the way things used to be, even if she was terrified and full of doubts.

As much as Spencer spent a lot of time protecting herself from getting hurt, with Ashley she seemed powerless to stop what was going on. She was falling down the rabbit hole even though she had no idea what would happen when she came out the other side.

Ashley had closed her eyes when she felt Spencer's lips on her own. It was the quickest of kisses but it made her feel so much. The blonde was giving her something precious with that kiss: her heart. "I don't want to give you up either," Ashley replied, her voice barely above a whisper, "I won't let you down again. I won't."

"I hope you mean that," Spencer said ruefully.

"I do," Ashley was imploring the blonde to believe her with her eyes. She had her own doubts and fears, but she wasn't going to let them get out of control. She was determined not to let that happen. "I'm sorry about your dad."

Spencer stiffened up immediately. There was a difference between what she wanted and what she was capable of dealing with. She shrugged. "Not much I can do."

"Doesn't make it right," Ashley replied. She wasn't sure if pressing Spencer to talk right now was the best idea. "You don't deserve any of this."

"Nobody deserves the bad shit that happens to them." Spencer was fighting every instinct she had to look away. It felt easier to disconnect herself from what was going on, but she was trying not to do that. "It could be worse."

"I'm sorry about your mom," Ashley continued, her voice sounding strained and full of emotion. "I thought I had the market cornered on terrible mothers."

Spencer smiled a little. "Looks like you're not as special as you think."

Ashley really wanted to keep things from getting derailed and she was worried that her next sentence would do just that. "I'm sorry about Clay."

At the mention of her brother's name, Spencer couldn't maintain her eye contact with Ashley. She didn't want to talk about Clay and what his loss had meant to her. The pressure to run away was building up again.

"And I'm really sorry I wasn't there for you when he died." Out of all the things that she regretted when it came to Spencer, that was her biggest regret—even more than ending their friendship.

Spencer's chest tightened up; she was finding it difficult to breathe. Her emotions felt like they were choking her.

"I should have been there," Ashley finished.

"Why weren't you?" Spencer eventually asked. It was a question that, when she allowed herself to think about Ashley, haunted her the most.

Facing the past was more difficult than Ashley thought it would be. She was also doing what she could her best to walk away now that things were getting hard. It was not easy for her to face what she'd done. Or, more specifically, what she hadn't done. "Because I was scared," she finally answered after what seemed like a really long time. "I was so ashamed of how I'd acted and how much I'd hurt you. I told myself that you'd be even more upset if I showed up, and that's how I convinced myself to stay away." Saying she was sorry wasn't going to make things up to Spencer, but being honest was a good way to try and rebuild what they once had.

"I really needed you back then," Spencer said before she finally looked back at Ashley. This conversation seemed almost surreal. The blonde had been waiting years for answers and, now that she was getting them, she wasn't sure how she felt. "And I really need you now."

Spencer had just revealed her biggest fear, and that made her panic. But as difficult as it was to admit, she knew it's what she needed.

"You have me, Spence," Ashley replied sincerely. It felt like a lifetime ago that she didn't have the blonde in her life. And now that Spencer was back, Ashley was going to do everything in her power not to mess this up. It wasn't just Spencer that was opening herself in a frightening way. Being vulnerable wasn't easy for the brunette either. "In whatever way you want me, you have me."

Spencer shifted her position on the front stoop so she was facing Ashley. She studied the brunette's face for what felt like the longest time. Despite the noise that surrounded them, they felt like they were in this bubble that nobody could penetrate.

After a few minutes, Spencer pressed her forehead against Ashley's. "I want all of you."

Ashley decided to respond by kissing Spencer with everything she had.

For Spencer, that was all the assurance she needed that things were headed in the right direction.