A/N Hey guys, I'm sorry I still haven't responded to your feedback yet. Whatever kind of sickness/flu I've caught hasn't gone away and it's been another long week for me. Enough of that complaining though :) Here's another update and I promise things will be back to normal next week. Thanks as always for reading.
Chapter 19
Ashley was disappointed.
She probably didn't have a right to feel that way, but when Spencer had told her to take a seat on the sofa in the den, the brunette felt herself deflate just a bit. She had hoped that Spencer would lead her back up stairs, and to her bed, even if Ashley knew that wasn't a realistic expectation. She wondered if it was normal to think about kissing someone as much as she thought about kissing Spencer. There were, of course, other things that she wanted to do with the blonde, but she knew that would happen with time. At least she hoped it would.
Despite the disappointment that Ashley felt, she was relieved that her stunt from the previous night hadn't derailed whatever it was that was happening between Spencer and her. It went without saying that what they had was shaky, at best. Yes they had years of friendship to build a foundation upon, but the last three years of radio silence meant there were cracks in that foundation.
It made sense that using their physical attraction to each other to resolve their issues wasn't the way to go. But that didn't stop Ashley from wishing they were doing something else right now. That being said, she was happy just to be with the blonde, regardless of what activity they were engaged in.
What Ashley got most out of her conversation with Spencer that morning was that the blonde wanted things to work out between them just as much as Ashley did. If that wasn't the case, Ashley was positive that Spencer would not have been so understanding about her behaviour. The brunette was horrified when she thought about what showing up drunk must have been like for Spencer. It was a mistake she was not going to repeat. Nothing – especially alcohol – was worth losing Spencer over. Not when she finally had the blonde back in her life after so many years apart.
"Are you checking out my ass?"
Ashley quickly snapped out of the daze she was in. "Huh? What?"
Spencer chuckled at how adorable a confused Ashley was. Although she had been nervous to talk to Ashley about everything she was feeling, she was well aware that really was the only course of action. Especially after being a real jerk earlier in the week, and the other times before that. Plus, the closer she got to Ashley, the less prevalent her anger seemed to be. She knew it was still there, but it didn't seem to have such a hold over her like it once did. Whether it was a temporary feeling or not, Spencer didn't know. "Well I was bent over for quite a while and I wanted to find out if you were checking out my ass?"
"You wish," Ashley replied boldly but her cheeks were getting redder. She doubted she'd ever get sick of flirting with Spencer, even if she couldn't do it without blushing.
"Ain't that the truth," Spencer replied. It was nice to try and get under Ashley's skin in a way that wasn't bitchy or cruel. "I do have a question for you before you get your surprise."
Ashley watched Spencer walk over to the sofa and took a moment to appreciate how good the other girl looked. "The answer is yes."
"So you do think I'm the hotter one out of the two of us? I'm glad you see things my way." Spencer teased. That comment earned her an elbow nudge from the brunette, which she happily accepted. "Hey! It's not my fault that you said yes to my question before finding out what my question was."
"You're an ass."
"Could you possibly obsess about my ass less, please?" Spencer joked with a cheeky grin. Bantering with Ashley was way more fun than yelling at her.
"I'll try my best," Ashley replied drolly. She tried to keep her expression neutral but the wider Spencer smiled, the harder that became to do. "Ugh, could you just ask your question already instead of grinning at me like an idiot?"
"You're adorable when you're pouting." Spencer made a move like she was going to kiss Ashley but then moved back at the last second. She got elbowed a second time, but just like the first, she was happy to accept the punishment. Speaking of punishment, something popped into Spencer's head. Something she was sure that the brunette wasn't going to like. "Remember when I told you that I wasn't mad at you for last night?" Ashley nodded so Spencer continued, "Well, that is true, but that doesn't mean you can get away with your actions, scot free." She paused for dramatic effect and to make Ashley squirm a little bit. "So, as much as the pains me, as of now, I won't be kissing you for the rest of the day."
"You won't what?" Ashley asked loudly. She could not believe what had come out of the other girl's mouth. She studied Spencer's face in hopes that she'd see a smile appear on her face soon. "This is some kind of sick joke, right?"
Spencer shook her head and appeared sad. "I wish it wasn't, but I think it's only fair that you have to pay for what you did."
"But, that's just, but…" Ashley needed to figure out a way to get Spencer to change her mind. This was so unfair! She knew what she did was wrong, but the punishment being dolled out was the worst. "But you'd be punishing yourself too!" is what the brunette finally came up with.
Spencer burst out laughing. "Ego much?" The idea of not kissing Ashley all day had started out as a joke, but now she wondered if she could, or even should go through with it. The way that the brunette was acting made executing her threat that much more appealing. "You know, that wasn't even what I wanted to talk to you about, but I got sidetracked."
Ashley started rubbing her temples. Her headache was coming back. "You're making no sense."
Spencer continued laughing, she was so amused by how grumpy Ashley was now acting. "Well what I wanted to ask you is, uh, the thing is," she cursed herself for getting flustered, but asking for what she wanted was something new to the blonde. "Seeing as your mom decided you couldn't come home last night, do you think she'd mind if you spent another night away from home?"
Ashley forgot all about being upset at Spencer's stupid idea when she watched the blonde's face transform from smirking to being unsure. She was clearly nervous to ask Ashley to stay over another night and that only endeared her to Ashley more. If that was at all possible. "Let me be clear, you mean you want me to stay here, right? I mean you're not going to make me sleep in the backyard by myself or somewhere else awful, right?"
"No!" Spencer rolled her eyes but accepted the teasing she was getting back from Ashley. "So, is that a yes or what?"
Ashley considered stringing Spencer along by delaying her answer but figured that probably wasn't the best idea. "Of course it's a yes." Getting to spend the rest of the day and the night with Spencer so exciting for Ashley, even with the ban on kissing that had been instituted. She wondered briefly if that meant no touching too. Feeling bolder than she probably had the right to, Ashley decided to surprise Spencer by climbing on to the blonde's lap. "I'd love to seal our sleepover plans with a kiss, but seeing as that's not allowed, I guess I'll have to settle for this." She then pressed herself fully against the blonde.
Spencer shuddered at the contact. It felt intimate even though Ashley wasn't really doing anything. Just when felt her resolve to keep going with the "no kissing" rule she'd stupidly insisted on weaken, the brunette moved back to where she was sitting before.
"That was almost like kissing, right?" Ashley asked with smirk. She knew the affect that she'd had on Spencer because she was also feeling both exhilarated and frustrated.
"You jerk!" Spencer replied playfully.
Ashley couldn't stop smiling, "You're the one who decided the rules. Now you have to live by them. Don't blame me. You could end all this right now and kiss me."
"Not a chance, I won't give in because you're teasing me. And just for that, I'm not giving you your surprise," Spencer threatened. Unfortunately for her, her threat was met with a pout from the brunette and that proved to be too power for Spencer to resist. "Fine!" she groaned, before suddenly feeling shy and nervous again. "This is probably a lame idea, and you're probably going to be disappointed because I've built this whole thing up to be something great and it's not, so I'm just giving you a warning now so you're not disappointed-"
Ashley cut of Spencer's rambling by taking her hand. As much as she enjoyed joking around with Spencer and teasing her, this felt like a moment where she should step in. "Whatever it is, Spence, I'll love it."
"You say that now," Spencer replied, still feeling on edge. "I was thinking about us, and just, ugh." She stopped talking because she felt lame. "Anyway, I haven't seen this in the longest time and I thought of it this morning while you were sleeping your drunk ass off, so I downloaded it and I'm going to just shut up now and press play."
"OK," Ashley had no idea what Spencer was talking about. She hadn't realized that the TV was on until now. She watched the screen with curiosity until she recognized what movie the blonde had chosen.
Harriet the Spy had been Ashley's favourite movie as a kid. She'd made Spencer watch it so many times until the two of them had the whole thing memorized. Whenever Ashley was having a bad day or if she was upset about something, Spencer would put it on to make the brunette feel better.
Ashley was so happy she wanted to cry.
Spencer watched Ashley's reaction to her surprise and she was relieved that it was going over well with the other girl. Ashley was smiling so widely at her, her nose was crinkling. Spencer had missed that crinkle so much.
The fact that Ashley hadn't let go of her hand made Spencer even happier than she was already. This was turning out to be a great day.
Spencer looked over at Ashley and saw the brunette rubbing her head. She knew that Ashley wasn't going to complain about her hangover, but that wasn't a reason for her to suffer in silence. Spencer paused the movie and then grabbed a nearby pillow and put in on her lap. "Come here." Ashley looked over at her skeptically. "Come here, you idiot."
"You really know how to compliment a girl," Ashley replied. She was convinced this was some sort of trick on Spencer's part. "I'm not going to lose, you know. I will not be the one to kiss you first."
"Ugh, you're annoying." Spencer took the pillow she had on her lap and used it to smack Ashley lightly on the arm. "This isn't about the no kissing pact we took-"
"That you forced on us!" Ashley cut in rather dramatically. "You're the one who decided that we aren't allowed to kiss today."
Spencer smirked at the brunette. "Has anyone told you that you get really grumpy when you're cut off?"
Ashley threw the pillow back at Spencer and continued the pretense of being upset. "Has anyone ever told you that you give out the worst punishments ever!"
"I never knew you were that into my kisses. Good to know." Spencer winked at Ashley and that earned her a very dirty look. "I know you're all sad that you can't kiss me—I'd be sad too—but clearly your head is hurting so let me rub it a little to make you feel better."
"Why are you being so nice to me?" Ashley asked suspiciously. "I feel like I'm being set up for something."
"Glad you think so highly of me." Spencer wasn't really bothered by the brunette's distrust. It's not like it wasn't warranted by their earlier conversation and her past behaviour. It had been a long time since she'd allowed her softer side to emerge. "Just come over here, you big baby, and let me help you."
Ashley moved cautiously over to Spencer, still not believing that she wasn't about to be pranked in some way. It was only when her head was actually on the pillow on Spencer's lap that she started to believe the other girl was telling the truth. She tensed up when she felt the blonde moving around, but her concerns were for naught. Spencer had merely just gotten a blanket to cover Ashley. After adjusting herself and the blanket, Ashley finally allowed herself to fully relax.
"There, isn't that much better?" Spencer inquired as she began massaging the brunette's head. The groan of appreciation she received let her know the answer to her question. She started the movie back up again shortly afterwards.
Even though she wanted to watch the screen, Ashley found her eyes closing at the blonde's touch. It was like she had no control over her own body anymore. How could Spencer make something as simple as a scalp massage feel like the best thing in the world? How could someone have so much power over her?
That question didn't terrify Ashley. Maybe it should have, but it didn't. She had never felt as safe as she did with Spencer. The other girl had given her safety years before from the girls who wanted to take advantage of Ashley for having a famous father and now that feeling was back. The outside world didn't seem to matter when she was in Spencer's protection.
Of course that didn't mean Ashley was naïve enough to believe that being with Spencer was enough to take away the reality of her life. And it's not like the brunette even wanted that. But what Spencer was giving her – what Ashley had been missing all the years they'd been apart – was the illusion that the other girl could take her problems away. Even if it wasn't realistic, it was nice to experience that again.
The more she thought about how things were going with Spencer, the less she focused on Harriet the Spy. All that was going through her head was how much her life had changed in the last week. It felt like a lifetime ago that Spencer wasn't part of her daily life. Sure she'd had the blonde back for longer than a week, the project had started weeks ago, but then Spencer had just been a source of anguish.
Now, she was a source of happiness. Even with the ups and downs of the last seven days, Ashley was happier than she'd been in years. She felt lighter and more herself. Being friends with Madison and part of that crowd had always taken a ton work. Being with Spencer felt effortless and natural.
A week ago she'd been overwhelmed with jealousy and self-hatred.
So much had changed in that week. How was that even possible?
How was it possible that last Saturday she was so angry with herself and Spencer, and now she felt content?
How was it possible that she'd spent years trying to forget Spencer – a feat that was impossible – to now spending what felt like every second thinking about her?
She was consumed with rebuilding things with Spencer – albeit in a much less platonic way than their friendship had ever been – and getting to know the blonde again. Perhaps it wasn't natural or right for one person to have so much power of her, but Ashley didn't care. Nothing mattered to her more than getting this right.
She wasn't the only one going through this big change. She could see such a difference in Spencer from where they had started. She seemed less tense and angry. It was so much more enjoyable to be around this version of the blonde than the one she'd been forced to work with on a school project.
As happy as Ashley was in that moment, in relishing how lucky she was, she found herself unexpectedly overcome with a rush of emotion. She could feel the emotion overtake her until it settled into her throat and brought her almost to the verge of tears.
It wasn't until now that Ashley had really allowed herself to process everything that had happened since she first kissed Spencer. The week had been fraught with so many ups and downs that it wasn't until today that she took in how big what she was doing with Spencer was. It wasn't that Ashley was scared or wanted to run away. It was more an appreciation of the second chance she was being given and how she didn't want to mess things up.
But her biggest epiphany, the thing that was distracting her from the surprise Spencer had given her, was how much she had missed the blonde in her life. She had never really allowed herself to truly feel Spencer's loss before because it would have been too hard to deal with. Instead she buried those feelings, along with her feelings for the blonde deep inside herself.
And now that she was allowing herself to take everything in, it was almost like she was losing Spencer again. Which made no sense to Ashley whatsoever. But she couldn't just lie on the couch and pretend she wasn't going through this huge insight. It was too overwhelming for her to ignore.
Catching Spencer by complete surprise, Ashley shot up and nearly collided with the blonde's chin. "Are you OK?" Spencer asked. With the drinking that Ashley had done the night before, she was considered that maybe the other girl was feeling ill. It didn't help matters that Ashley had this look of panic in her eyes.
Ashley shook her head, unable to form words as they got stuck in her throat. She knew she was acting odd. She knew that Spencer was probably going to think that she'd lost her mind. She knew that her feelings were all over the place. And she knew that her reaction to the breakup of her friendship to Spencer was coming three years too late. None of that mattered to the brunette. What did matter was making sure that she expressed to Spencer exactly what was going in that head of hers.
She moved close to Spencer. "I've missed you so much."
"What?" Spencer was lost. "Is this some ploy of yours to get me to kiss you or something because-"
"No! Shut up, Spence," Ashley said forcefully. This was too important for jokes or teasing. "This isn't about that at all."
Spencer's first instinct was too make some kind of snappy remark or pretend to be offended. But Ashley's behaviour made her realize that would have been a bad move. Plus, she was worried about why Ashley was acting weirdly.
The lump in Ashley's throat didn't want to go away. She ignored it and pressed on to matters that were more important. "God, Spence, I've missed you so much."
"I'm right here," Spencer responded still not understanding what was going on.
"Are you always this thick?" Ashley replied. She felt like laughing and crying at the same time. She moved close to Spencer and then placed her hand on the blonde's cheek. She looked right into blue eyes that had darkened in intensity. "I know you said you weren't for heart-to-hearts right now, but I'm just…" The thoughts that had been swirling around in Ashley's head disappeared and she was once again at a loss for words.
"I missed you too, all the time," came Spencer's whispered confession, finally getting what Ashley was referring to. She might not fully understand what was going on, but she knew enough that this mattered. Actually everything with Ashley felt like it mattered.
Ashley gently moved around her hand that was still pressed against the blonde's face. Her heart felt like it was beating a million miles a minute. It wasn't until right in that moment that she full appreciated just how much an affect Spencer had on her. With just a look, she could send her heart racing and make her body come alive. "I'm so sorry for everything." She choked on the words knowing that they'd never be enough to make up for what she'd done. "I can't believe that I ever pushed you away like that. I can't believe I was ever that selfish."
Spencer didn't know how to react to what Ashley was saying. Sure, they'd talked a little about what happened and Ashley had apologized for her actions, but this felt different. Maybe it was because of how things had progressed between her and the brunette. But Spencer suspected it had more to do with Ashley's words being unprompted by a fight, or misunderstanding or anything like that. She was locked on to the brown eyes that were awash with many different emotions. Spencer had never shared a moment with another person that was as intense as what she felt right then.
"You are so important to me," Ashley continued, laying everything on the line. She had to take this risk, she owed it to Spencer. "What we have is so important and I hope you know that."
It was easy to delude herself into thinking that having Ashley back in her life wasn't that big a deal. Spencer had spent a lot of time living in denial and trying to avoid things. The reality was, being with Ashley – especially being more than friends with Ashley – was really the biggest deal. This wasn't about stolen kisses or righting the wrong of years ago. This wasn't about teenage hormones or feelings of lust. It was about so much more than that, and what Ashley's words were doing was confirming that fact. They might only have been doing whatever it was they were doing for a week, but what had been brewing between her and Ashley was years in the making.
This wasn't just about having fun.
This was everything.
Ashley was everything, in a way that Spencer hadn't experienced with another girl.
In case she wasn't being clear enough, Ashley decided to keep going so her intentions were crystal clear. "I'm crazy about you."
Spencer's body reacted to the brunette's words before her brain had processed what had been said. She was experiencing a natural high that she could not even begin to describe. As scary as feeling was, Spencer knew that it made things better. It was still scary, but worth it.
There were a lot ways that Spencer wanted to respond, but nothing felt as right as what she really wanted to do.
Forgetting all about the movie and her rules for the day, she gently pushed Ashley back on the couch and moved on top of the other girl.
But she didn't kiss Ashley right away.
She looked at Ashley hoping that while she didn't have the words to properly express what she was feeling, she hoped that her actions made it obvious what was going on in her head.
Ashley – heart pounding in her chest – gazed up at Spencer. She didn't care that the blonde wasn't saying anything back to her. She knew exactly what the other girl was trying to tell her.
That's why when Spencer slowly leaned in for a kiss, the second their lips connected, Ashley received that message loud and clear.
Spencer was crazy about her too.
The activities that had started in Spencer's den, had moved up to her bedroom. Music was playing and two girls were tangled up in each other.
Ashley raked her finger's down Spencer's back, pausing momentarily at the bra that she'd been thinking about removing. Having no experience in these matters and not sure if she should even be pushing things with Spencer, she continued moving down the blonde's back. She let out a loud moan as the blonde kissed any exposed skin she could find.
Things between her and Spencer were charged.
Every so often, Spencer would stop to make sure what she was doing was OK with the brunette. It was such a change for her when Aiden had done nothing but try and push her into something she wasn't ready for.
And into something she actually didn't want.
With Spencer, she learned the meaning of want.
And desire.
And yearning.
Soon enough, Spencer was back to kissing her and Ashley got lost in the many amazing sensations that caused her to feel. She was sure that wasn't anything better than having Spencer on top of her.
That's probably why she got so upset when the blonde, without any warning, stopped their kissing.
It's not that Spencer wanted to stop. Kissing Ashley was something she loved doing. But she'd clued into what Ashley wanted and decided to take action.
With her eyes trained on the brunette's, she reached behind her back to undo her bra. Normally Spencer wasn't shy, but she did pause for a second before continuing. Exposing herself to Ashley wasn't just about her body anymore. Everything they did together came with feelings of being vulnerable and fears of being hurt.
Ashley watched wide eyed at what Spencer was doing. She felt a tremble of anticipation travel through her body. When the blonde finally removed her bra, Ashley reacted by letting out a breath she hadn't realized she'd been holding in. She was certain she'd never seen anything as beautiful as what Spencer was showing her. Her gaze went downwards and her pulse moved that much quicker.
Any anxiety that Spencer might have felt before, was gone the second Ashley's eyes connected back with hers. It wasn't long before she was pressed tightly against Ashley and they were kissing again.
Spencer and Ashley were so caught up in what they were doing that they didn't hear the blonde's front door open.
They didn't hear Spencer's name being called.
And they certainly didn't hear the footsteps of someone taking the stairs two at a time.
They did however hear the shocked reaction of Sean after he'd flung open Spencer's bedroom door.