See, I always find, and I always find, yeah, I always find somethin' wrong. You been puttin' up with my shit just way too long. I'm so gifted at findin' what I don't like the most. Baby, I got a plan; Run away fast as you can
Erwin's bushy eyebrows raised, and Levi looked away, repeating his words at his Commander's insistence, though this time, it wasn't as relaxed. He spoke through his teeth, finger stabbing into the arm of the chair he sat in, adding a snarled curse alongside it. Those bushy eyebrows creased that forehead, and Erwin shook his head.
Levi didn't need that fucking guilt trip, told him, "Erwin, I don't need that judgy look. Fuckin' creepy-" he cut himself off, knew he'd get on a roll, and start naming reasons for Erwin to give him said judgy look. "She's not coming."
"And does she have a say in this?"
"No, she doesn't. And it's not her say. You're the Commander, and I'm your Captain, yea? So fucking command her not to come with us, I'm not losing her like that."
"Levi, it's unfair, and you know that. I don't need to stand on my soapbox, and shout over you like the town crier, do I?" Levi attempted to say something, but Erwin cut across him, said, "I'll make sure she doesn't. But you're going to tell her."
"...Are you shitting me, blondie, just fucking tell her, I don't want to."
Erwin gave him that judgy look, one bushy eyebrow up, while the other one remained in place. "Levi, please. How old are you?"
Levi opened his mouth to tell him just what he thought of his bushy eyebrows, and general know-it-all attitude, as well as bringing up the fact that Hanji had been near him the entire way up, so his patience was fucking limited. Those morals, just-. A knock interrupted his breath, and Levi twitched, glared over his shoulder, until Zoe's pretty little head popped in the room. She raised a hesitant hand, the limb trembling, and despite her anxious nature, he was relaxed by her, until he recalled the fact that he was going to have to tell her that she wasn't coming with him.
"You did call me, right, Erwin?" Zoe asked, clearing her throat, smile touching her lips.
Levi almost let one through, but then Nathan popped his head out above her, grinned over her. His mouth dipped into a frown immediately, the late afternoon light stronger out in the hallway. Another man attempted to look into the room, sharp-eyed, with a buzz cut; at least not annoying looking as Nathan's was. Always smiling; and the people who always smiled were the ones to look out for. Especially always smiling in this world.
She turned, shooing the two away from the door before she closed it after her. Levi still saw their feet, blocking the light into the dimly lit room, as Erwin was in the wing of the building that was undergoing reconstruction, tarp over the window into his Commander's room. Zoe gave Levi a brief look, fairly happy, it seemed, no matter her hand twisting behind her, nerves back as soon as she was here.
He'd like to take her away, but then. No. Because Erwin was gesturing to him, nodding for him to speak.
Levi took a deep breath, sat straight-backed in the seat, stared forward, "You're not coming on the expedition next week."
"What?" Zoe's voice dropped, "Commander Erwin, I don't understand. Have I done something? I thought-I-did give you the proper papers for my abrupt departure yesterday, but besides that, I believe I've been nothing but helpful."
"No, no, Commander Roth, it was my Captain's insistence. I assure you, I'd appreciate your assistance there, but, since," Erwin raised a hand briefly, and Levi felt the shift from confusion to heavy annoyance next to him.
"Yes," Levi said simply, agreeing there.
"What is he talking about?" Zoe attempted to pander to Erwin.
Levi spoke instead of his Commander, "You're not coming on the expedition, Zoe."
"Excuse me?" Her focus was on him, and he finally looked at her. "Excuse you, I should say."
"You're not going." He bit the words out, in the same blunt manner he usually spoke with.
"Fuck you."
"You have." About a second after the last word left his mouth, Levi regretted it.
Her mouth dropped open, and she turned on her heel, stomped out. Levi stood from his chair, followed her out, shoving the two MPs to the side, grabbing her elbow, yanking her to a halt. She tried to smack him, but he blocked it, stopped her as she reeled back, made sure she didn't fall, hand catching at her waist, shirt hitching up out of her belt.
"I can handle myself, Levi," She snapped, wriggling in his hold. "Why are you telling me I can't go with you?"
"Because you're not going to die."
"Don't you ever; are-. How dare you?" She jerked back as she said, crossed her arms over her chest, "Who the fuck do you think you are, Levi? You want to protect me? It's unfair to me, why are you making decisions for me? People have gone outside the wall, and die for a better cause than I've ever had. They've made that decision, and the sacrifice. You shouldn't have the authority to decide that. I feel; am I not good enough?"
"I don't want you to die."
"I don't care. It's my decision. You're undermining me, Levi," She stepped back, anger fading, just a sad, disappointed air in her slumped shoulders and dropped head. "It's offensive. For all the preaching you do on me standing on my own." She tried a breath, shook her head, barely met his eyes. "Yea. Whatever this is; I think, I think it should stop."
She stepped farther away from him, hands swinging at her side, little smile on her lips as she raised her hand, though it didn't raise all the way. Zoe shook her head as she turned, Nathan and buzzcut falling into wall behind her. Nathan took a second to turn, pointed at her as she rounded the corner, though buzzcut reached and yanked him after them.
Nathan did manage to accurately mouth, "Not stealing anymore." Or was it, "I'm going to fuck her." or maybe, "I'll fix her, then I'll fuck her."
But that's what he did. In some order, he was-. No. No, he didn't fix her.
LEvi shook his head, turning away walking a few steps, face screwing up briefly, shadows hiding him, scaring the MPs when the patrol moved around the corridor again, out of the hallway. The female pressed a hand to her chest, laughing to the male at her side, who glared at her, muttered, 'stupid broad', under his breath, but the female just leaned in, annoyed him more. They turned the same corner Zoe had left by, and Levi twisted, hoping to see her there. Sure she'd come back to him, because she never walked away, even when she breathed one night that he'd fuck her into open caskets, whatever that was. When she wasn't there, his heart sank.
Fuck, fuck; that was so stupid, and overconfident. He started to move, but Erwin stepped into his path, and that judgy eyebrow thing made Levi's eye twitch, glaring at him. Fucking blondie.
Disguising ourselves as secret lovers, We've become public enemies. We walk away like strangers in the street. (...) So far from where we came; With so much of everything, how do we leave with nothing? Lack of visual empathy equates the meaning of L-O-V-E.
Zoe slapped her papers down, two fingers to her temple, Nathan beside her, along with Nile, and Jay. She sniffed, blinking rapidly to dispel the itchy feeling at her eyes, glancing to the clock periodically as they went over the last minute form requests for festival space. Even if she was surprised that everyone was willing to participate in it with the Trost debacle hardly a month behind them. Or, maybe, it was Eren's appearance that was keeping spirits up.
Levi. The word popped into her mind, and she took a large breath, though her lungs seemed to be...fuck, she didn't know. But he'd removed agency from her directly, because apparently she couldn't make decisions. Zoe's mouth twisted down, and she squeezed her eyes shut, leg bouncing wildly under their table, clasping her hands together, body shaking under the sudden rush of nerves. She wasn't good enough. Didn't need to remind herself, she'd been told that numerous times over by her fellows here, and as a Cadet.
She just didn't think LEvi would ever make her feel that way. Ever, ever. Fuck, she was so useless, so useless, so fucking useless she couldn't do anything, could she? It was more of an inside voice as her world lost clarity, tears clouding her vision, tipped down, so the tiles blurred instead of her paper. Nile gave a little cough, but his words were muted, less concern showing on his face, rather than Nathan and Jay.
Jay attempted to rest his hand on her back, but she jerked, head resting on her clasped hands. Nile collected the paper, as she supposed they were done, walked out of the room into the late evening. Jay and Nathan stayed, her trembles making the table shiver, breath wheezing out of her corrupted lungs, that little voice going over, and over, and over, and over, reminding her that she'd lost everything. Added that it was her fault, and she nodded her head frantically, hoped that agreeing with it might bring some end to her wild shaking.
Zoe wasn't even good enough to die. She didn't want to ask him why; but why she couldn't go her own way? But, no, she'd have to pass him by. And he seemed determined to put her in a box, hide her, keep her close, open the box once or twice, shelter her under false pretences. Maybe put her in gold caste, but things dipped in gold didn't grow.
She'd spent so long chasing him, though he wouldn't do the same courtesy. Didn't even turn around.
Nathan gripped her shoulder tight, Jay setting a mug in front of her, dragging his chair close, sitting there instead of crouching like Nathan was. She raised her eyes, palmed at them, allowed Nathan to side beside her, wrap his arm around her waist. DEspite that it was very unprofessional. Especially as he drew her even closer, but it helped.
"You alright?" Jay finally asked when she reached for the cup of tea, halfway in Nathan's lap.
Zoe nodded, croaking, "yea."
"Good," he gave her a brief nod, gaze dropping from hers, flickering instead over the room. "I suppose bed, yea? We have to get up early, coordinate the grounds, etcetera. And then, we can get a bit civilian and join in. Dance. Maybe. I dunno." Jay stood up, brushing his uniform off, giving her a brief nod, and walking out.
Nathan's hand fell then on her knee, squeezing tight, rubbing up a bit. She looked at him, wanted to tell him to stop, but she was exhausted. And frankly, in the mood for some type of rebound. So when he kissed her, she responded. Though she didn't know why he wanted to kiss her. Wasn't she a mess? In two senses of the word. Probably looked like shit. And this advance was inappropriate, Nathan obviously not greeting her position with the degree of respect she wanted. No.
She didn't really deserve respect. Even a decision. She'd never been good at leading, and all her choices were being made for her. Zoe had attempted making her own way, but all the colossal signs, usually stamped with, 'do better', 'not good enough', 'what would your mother think?', 'panic attack'. And Levi, she supposed, had been the one to help her knock them down and out of the way, let her steer her course with only tiny pointers. Now, they all seemed to be back in place, stronger than ever, because he'd grabbed the reigns and tried to steer her through a place she knew better than him.
Crash.
She allowed his hands to rove, feeling fairly drawfed, hands to either side of his face, holding him to her, the way he kissed lacked the varying techniques Levi had. The finesse as well, and Nathan moved fast, didn't really let her get comfortable, switching gears enough to make her head spin. Still, it was fairly nice, she supposed, because he was far more playful than Levi, who packed utter dominance whenever they got down to it. Or maybe passionate, was what she should describe it as.
Nathan's hands splayed over her ass, pulled her closer, and Zoe tried to kiss him harder, just wanted to remove Levi from her mind, but he pulled away, "You wanna be my date for that festival, Zoe?"
Anger zipped quick through her. "It's Commander Roth."
"Sure, baby."
She bit her bottom lip, shook her head, didn't meet his eyes, "Sure, sure. Why not?"
"Sweet," he said, reached, ran his finger under her bra strap. "You're like, quiet, you know? Cute, small, not really assertive, and quiet, so. You know. Yea. Marriage material. Ladylike. Some girls get kind of puffed up when they're in military, order men around."
Zoe couldn't really say anything, though she wanted to, annoyed by the final, clear blow to his illusion of respecting her. She shrank into herself, made herself smaller like she was good at, nodded along and smiled like her mother taught her to. Decisions couldn't be made by herself, and so she just...sat. A bit of opposition tried to rise up in her, but she ignored that, blotted out the words that encouraged her to stand tall, how she shouldn't allow herself to sit and take this.
She managed to go to bed a reasonable hour, Nathan prattling on about marriage. How she was quiet. Wished he'd be quiet. He said something about her resigning, and Zoe just stared at the floor. She may as well. Should make Sjeh and her mother happy, wherever she was; though that was assuming there was a celestial body that hosted dead people.
Zoe moved from booth to booth, held out her hand for papers, checked them over. Garrison troops and MPs moved in hordes, though the latter was doing a considerably smaller amount of work, carrying things as the merchants shouted, directed them from place to place in the grassy fields. A pavilion, comprised of a huge white tarp and stilts to hold it up, spanned over the vendors. Already, a flock of people were here, laughter free, lacking the tense tone she'd heard a month back.
She watched the band set up, under a tarp of their own, string instruments soft as they were warmed up. When she cleared the papers, the sun was at its zenith, and she was sweating in her uniform, this one being fairly ornamental, badges on her chest. Very ceremonial and official, extra cloth added to meet the standard, and this standard was presented by the presence of the rich, disgustingly so, Lords and Ladies, who all had political leverage.
Jay was walking next to his parents, almost mechanical in his movements, white and gold embroidered vest over a loose white button up, white pants finishing the rich effect. He tugged at the collar, quiet as she was, nodding along in a motion she knew all too well. Most of the younger, rich men were wearing variations of that, but they all looked more than comfortable, cozying up to women and girls, the lack of frill stamping their heritage as from the Wall Rose area.
Zoe stopped when Jay hailed her, cleared his throat, gesturing without words to her. His eyes flitted away from hers, and Zoe did the same, to an extent, tried not to stammer in front of these people. Her confidence had plummeted, as the one man who trusted her decisions continually, and her, she supposed, had decided to flip that ideal on its head. It shouldn't be affecting her like this, but it was, and she hated him for having this kind of leverage on her feelings.
Nathan jogged to her, his arm slipping around her waist, taking over. Spoke for her, like he knew her. What most men did. Zoe kept her eyes up for the most part, catching Jay's gaze for only a moment, though it reflected the melancholy, and wayward tone she thought hers conveyed. She was just fucking lost, spiralling, spiralling.
"How about you go get changed?" Nathan asked, finger slipping under her chin, tipping her head up. "Yea?"
Zoe nodded. Got changed, though she was reviewing just what would happen as she walked back to the festival. He'd get tired of her, Nathan. Would go off, cheat on her, despite the ring on his finger, the sacrifices she made. And maybe, he'd drink as their relationship spiraled, all the noble deeds he'd promised wouldn't get done, but she'd embrace the idea. Like the sun, maybe. The drinks would break down some wall, and he'd hit her. But she'd lie, say it was something else, convince her self over and over that it was her fault.
Knew, though Nathan had picked up a torn paper doll, he wasn't looking to piece her back together. Properly, at least. He'd tack her up against a wall, disguise the rips with pretty pieces, among trophies, even. Then throw her away.
She should learn how to be a wiser fool.
But Nathan spun her to the music, made her head do the same. She went to go sit back on the blanket, sun low in the sky now. Jay nodded to her, ripping the grass from the earth beneath him, white fingers stained dark, nails dark with the packed soil there. He made an effort to wipe it off, but stopped, pulled his knees up, rested his head between them. They were ghosts on the edge of this. People stopped by to look through them.
Then Petra waved at her, Jay looked up, both of them doing this at the same time. His cheeks were tinted pink, and he looked away, even as Squad Levi made themselves at home on the blanket. Minus Levi.
"He's somewhere,"Petra said, smiled wide. "Oh," her smile fell. "Are you alright?"
She nodded. "Sure." But Zoe had made the mistake of befriending these people.
Petra got the answer out of her, frowned deep. "Why would he do that?"
"Dunno."
"You need to talk to him, Zoe. I've never...it's not his decision."
"No, it's not." She forced a smile. "But, you know. I'm not good decisions. Apparently."
Petra's hand rested on her back, eyebrows knitting together, made her talk. So, maybe, it wasn't too bad that she was...conversing with these people. And Jay seemed happier too, talking to Petra, cracking a little grin that Zoe had never seen on him. The fact that he was happier made her feel better, as she'd lost her partner for wallowing in self-pity.
Nathan pulled her up for another dance, the last one of the evening, and Jay coaxed Petra up. Erd's partner had her head on his chest, long brown hair swaying with her movements. Auruo had a little child dangling from his hands, the boy squeaking as the older man overdid the waltzing pattern, dipped him recklessly enough for a stout woman on the side lines to use his full name, which stopped him. Gunther had insisted he couldn't dance, snapping completely off beat on the side lines, but his grin was wide.
The vendors packed up essentials, and the flocks of people filtered out, plans being made to come back tomorrow. Military Police stood in the checkpoint, flicking through belongings, checking for evidence of proper payment. More MPs made their way to the area, as well as a pack of servants from the nearby castle, mixed with Garrison troops, a hop away from this area on the southside of Wall Sina, the district across from Trost. Trash was picked up, and the MP's moved into guarding posts.
She thought she saw Levi, but didn't ponder on it, didn't want to. Nathan was again stopped by her at the door of her bedroom.
"Oh come on," he sighed. "Fucking, fuck, Zoe. Are you still hung up on that short fucker? Didn't he ditch you? Or, whatever?"
"..Yea."
"There, so, come on. Huh? I'll fuck you better than him. Fix you. Then I'll fuck you." He tugged her bra strap. "All those demons, hmm? Those problems. Perfect, after I'm done with you. Yea?"
She just felt empty. Zoe shrugged, but close the door in his face anyways. She was empty, so, he'd get in far too deep.
His squad zeroed in on him, and Levi tried to glare them off, but, sadly, glares dissipated when people knew that it wasn't going to bring anything bad. Still, their comments were restrained, and he didn't answer them, because he knew he was in the wrong, he just- What if she was better off without him? With that redhead, or something.
He didn't know, really, but then Erwin brought his judgy face up, the townhouse becoming more packed as four-eyes decided to insert herself into the conversation. Levi's lip curled, and he lashed out at Hanji, insults bouncing back and forth between them, all very petty, and elaborate, more amusing than detrimental. Besides, Hanji was used to this, because they'd always been at odds in one way or the other. Levi allowed the trade off to fall away, staring at his hands, wondering how he'd gotten to be this sociable, though they left soon.
"Look, Captain; I hope I'm not overstepping my boundaries here, but," Erd said, stopping under the door frame, "I don't think your decision was correct. You kind of...it was selfish, Captain. So, I guess, I'm saying, you should go after her. Or something. You two- I mean; I chased after my wife, when I thought I'd lost her. But it still took me a bit to make the decision, decide to do that, because I was scared that me being close to her would get her hurt, just- But she knows I love her, that I trust her actions, that she's safe, and therefore; Captain, you have to trust that she'll keep herself safe, make her own decisions. And you know that trust won't always carry everyone through, but it helps. Maybe you over reacted, panicked, something. But, nevermind. It's up to you," Erd gave a messily executed salute, bolting out the door.
Levi squeezed his hands together, too tight, maybe, stared at them. He had panicked, hadn't he? In place of letting Zoe decide it, he'd gone over her head, no doubt increasing the insecurity within her. But he didn't trust himself enough to make her understand his fear, and not tell her cared for her; loved her more than he thought was correct, didn't think there was enough room in this world to really accept that feeling back.
The way she'd looked when he told her. Out in the hallway, dulled eyes, slumped shoulders.
Levi shut his eyes tight, trying to block out the image, a physical ache spreading through him, but she was even better shown in the dark his eyes close. Eyes wide shut; he'd looked at her, hadn't seen the damage till now. Around her, he saw his friend's deaths happen, always in his mind like this; stuck on some sick loop, the scream Farlan had given, Isabel call for help. Big bro. Aptly named his demons, Levi believed, but he didn't run from them, just hoped he'd do something to remove them.
Isabel saying she approved of her, told Levi that they could continue on. Farlan hugging her tight when the recruitment ceremony finished, replacing Levi, as he'd taken to glaring on the sidelines. Soon, Isabel joined in, made Zoe blush, because usually, she didn't really interact with people, especially to this extent, in a non-romantic occasion.
Zoe. And loving Zoe. Building forts from broken materials, maybe, that's what love was.
Never was much of a romantic; I could never take the intimacy. And I know I did damage, 'cause the look in your eyes is killing me. I guess you've got another advantage, 'cause you could blame me for everything. And I don't know how Imma manage, if one day you just up and leave.