A/N You are all so wonderful! Thank you for the feedback on that last chapter. I'm glad you enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed writing it :)
Chapter 22
Before Ashley had the chance to ring Spencer's doorbell, the front door of the Carlin house was flung open.
"You're late." Spencer was glaring at the brunette.
"Uh, sorry about that," Ashley said. She wondered if she really was in trouble. It wasn't her fault that she'd been stuck at school longer than she would have liked. In fact, she'd committed numerous driving violations on the way to her girlfriend's house.
Her girlfriend.
Ashley had trouble wrapping her head around that fact that she had a girlfriend. Or that it was Spencer. If this was a dream, she didn't want to wake up.
The label had only been applied the day before, but Ashley was loving it. Unfortunately the two of them hadn't had much alone time since the previous night. It wasn't that Ashley needed to discuss what happened with Spencer—that wasn't necessary—she just really wanted to spend time with her girlfriend.
Her girlfriend.
She was practically giddy every time she used that word in her head.
They had snuck off together at lunch, leaving Sean to finish eating by himself. It was under the guise of working on their Home Ec project, but their intentions could not have been more transparent. It was a good thing that Sean didn't mind being ditched. Their time in bathroom in the school's basement wasn't used for talking.
Luckily for them, they had a whole night alone to catch up with each other and for other things, which is what Ashley was most looking forward to.
Spencer yanked Ashley inside her house, shut the door and pushed the brunette up against that closed door, all in one motion. "I don't like to be kept waiting."
A shiver ran down Ashley's spine at how low and raspy Spencer's voice was. It was doing things to her she didn't know just a voice could do. "Sorry?"
"You're sorry?" Spencer was practically growling at this point. "I don't want you to be sorry, I want you to make it up to me."
Ashley dropped her bag on the ground, her eyes never leaving the piercing blue ones that were staring at her. It was her turn to lead Spencer, so she took the other girl up the stairs and into her own bedroom.
It wasn't long before Ashley was lying on the bed and starting to take the blonde's shirt off, all the while trying not to be distracted by the way that Spencer was kissing her neck.
"Spencer? Are you here?"
Both girls froze at the sound of Arthur Carlin's voice. Even though they were completely consumed by each other, after Sean's unexpected appearance that past Saturday, they were on a heightened alert for unexpected visitors.
Spencer slowly and very reluctantly pulled away from Ashley. Her heart that had been going berserk because of the brunette had sunk as soon as she heard her dad's voice. She didn't know he was coming home today. Of course he hadn't thought to tell her, because why would her dad do the responsible thing?
It was just like her dad to ruin everything. At least that's what he'd done over the last few years.
Spencer rolled off Ashley and, when she sat up, let out a very loud sigh. Tonight was supposed to be about trying to rid Ashley of as many of her clothes as she was allowed, not about dealing with her shitty dad.
She didn't count on having to deal with all the bad feelings that came with him being back in town. The anger and resentment that had seemingly been gone from her life was not gone at all. Now that she had experienced being happy with Ashley, it made having her dad back that much worse. There were so many issues between father and daughter. It was overwhelming.
Ashley felt helpless as she watched the demeanour change in Spencer. She didn't blame the blonde. On the contrary, she felt nothing but sympathy for what she had to put up with. Ashley had no idea what to do in this situation. She'd only been Spencer's girlfriend for a day. She'd spent a lot longer than that apart from her. It made Ashley doubt her ability to be a source of comfort. But this wasn't about her; this was about giving Spencer whatever she needed.
Ashley feared that Spencer was going to shut her out or shut down again. She hoped that wasn't going to be the case.
"Spencer?"
It was the second time that Arthur called his daughter's name that caused both girls to react. Luckily for them they hadn't gotten too far into things so there were no shirts to throw back on or anything like that.
Spencer wanted more than anything to retreat into herself and block out how bad she was feeling. It was her go-to coping mechanism, no matter how unhealthy she knew it was. She didn't want to make eye contact with Ashley because she would have couldn't stand to see the pity she was sure to see in the brunette's eyes. She also didn't want to talk to her dad. All she wanted was to close up and ignore the anger she could feel bubbling inside her.
Right as Spencer was reaching a breaking point, she felt Ashley's hand on her arm. It was the gentlest of touches, but the affect it had on the blonde was strong. With a lot of reluctance she looked at Ashley and when she did she saw sympathy and understanding looking back at her. It was enough for Spencer not to lose it completely.
Although she had no desire to see her dad, Spencer motioned for Ashley to follow her. They might as well get this over with.
"There you are," Arthur said when he saw his daughter walking down the stairs. He was in a very good mood. The job had gone well, so he was flush with money and was looking forward to reconnecting with his daughter. It took an amazing amount of denial for Arthur to believe that Spencer would be happy to see him. It was easier, he reasoned, than facing the truth. He paid no attention to the sour look on the blonde's face. He was about to say something to Spencer, but then he noticed who was coming down the stairs with her. "Ashley?" Arthur was pleasantly surprised. "It's been so long since I've seen you! How are you?"
"Uh, hey, Mr. C.," Ashley replied feeling very uncomfortable. She didn't know what the right thing to do in this scenario was. Her primary concern was not making it worse for Spencer. That was the last thing she wanted. It didn't help matters that Arthur didn't remember seeing her a couple of weeks ago.
"She's fine," Spencer said, her teeth clenched tightly together. "Did you want something?"
Arthur let out a heavy sigh. "Is that all you have to say to me?"
"Welcome back," Spencer's tone was ice cold. Her instinct was to lash out and she felt that her dad deserved every angry word she had for him. She hated that his appearance seemed to take away every amazing moment she had shared with Ashley. All that good that had happened to her felt like it had been replaced with the bitterness she was used to experiencing. "Did you want something?"
Arthur was determined to ignore the way Spencer was speaking to him. "Well, I had the chance to go grocery shopping and I was thinking maybe I could cook us dinner. It would be nice to have the chance to catch up with you."
"We're busy," Spencer told her dad. She refused to allow him the opportunity to make amends, no matter how small the gesture. That wasn't going to happen.
"Come on, Spence," Arthur rubbed the back of his neck. There might have been a time when he would have examined at his own actions in relation to why Spencer was always so upset. But that wasn't the case anymore. "I'm trying here. Just give me a chance to-"
"I said, we're busy," Spencer repeated. "We're working on a project."
"Surely you have to eat."
"Actually, Mr. C., Spencer and I need to head to the library." Ashley interjected. She hoped that she wasn't overstepping any boundaries by speaking up.
"Yeah, sure, maybe another time." Arthur tried to hide his disappointment, but didn't do a very good job of it. He pulled out his wallet and took out some money. He held out his hand, "Here you go. I'm sure you'll need to pick up something to eat at some point."
"Thanks," Spencer mumbled. She reluctantly took the money and shoved it in her pocket. It was easier, she reasoned, then refusing it and causing a scene. The sooner she could get out of her house the better. She picked up her bag off the floor and kept her back towards her dad. "I won't be home late."
Ashley quickly followed Spencer out the door, also picking her bag up along the way. She felt a little bad for running out without talking to Arthur again, but she had to have Spencer's back. And although she felt a bit bad for the man she'd spent years looking up to, she felt worse for the blonde.
After having the door all-but shut in his face, Arthur let out another sigh. As bad as he felt, he was relieved that he had also stopped at the liquor store on the way home.
"Do you want to go to my house or somewhere else?" Ashley asked once she was alone with Spencer. She was nervous as to what kind of reaction her question was going to get.
Spencer shrugged noncommittally. She was too busy reeling from seeing her dad to give Ashley a response. She hated how the darkness that she had to deal with so often was threatening to take over. It wasn't fair that her dad coming back could set her back so much. "I don't care."
Once they were both in the car, Ashley knew exactly where she was going to go. As always, she hoped that she was making the right call when it came to Spencer.
"Spence?" Ashley said once they'd arrived at their destination. She turned to face the blonde once she had shut the car off. "Are you OK?" It wasn't necessarily the best question to ask considering Ashley probably could have guessed the answer that she was going to get.
Spencer was staring off into space and didn't immediately hear Ashley's question. She was doing her best to keep herself together. It helped immensely that during their drive Ashley had reached over to take Spencer's hand. It was as if the brunette could keep her from retreating too far inside herself. "I don't know," she answered honestly.
"Come on, let's go for a walk," Ashley suggested. She didn't want to push, but at the same time she wasn't going to let Spencer sit there and wallow.
When Spencer looked around, she realized where Ashley had taken her. She used to love coming to the beach, and it made her smile just a little to think that the brunette had thought to bring her here. She had stopped coming right as her life had begun to fall apart. She missed listening to the waves and how calming it was for her.
Spencer and Ashley removed their shoes and began walking in the sand in silence. Ashley wasn't sure what to say and Spencer didn't have much of a desire to say anything.
She wondered to herself why she was taking her father coming back as hard as she was. Normally he came in and out of her life, and their house, without her really noticing. It was a lot less stressful when he wasn't around and, when he was around, she mostly ignored him. When she couldn't ignore him being drunk she mostly kept away and waited for those moments to pass. Most of the time she was able to go about her business without it hurting this much.
The difference in all those situations was the girl walking beside her. Spencer had been happy with Ashley and she felt her dad was going to threaten that happiness. Not because he might disapprove of her relationship with the brunette. With all of Arthur's faults, he had accepted his daughter being gay without question. He would probably love it if Spencer told him that Ashley was her girlfriend. It was more that his presence made her realize that all the issues she still had to deal with had not gone away. Ashley might make her feel amazing, but she didn't take away years of pain and misery that Spencer buried deep inside her. She didn't want anything, least of all her dad, to derail all the positive steps she'd taken forward with Ashley.
Spencer hugged herself as she walked with the brunette across the mostly deserted beach. She stayed silent in her thoughts despite knowing that she must be worrying Ashley. Even if she wanted to pour her hear out, she didn't know how to do that.
Ashley led Spencer under the pier. During Carlin family beach trips, more often than not they'd end up in this spot. She loved those beach trips. Especially when her own family was dysfunctional and pretty much non-existent. Ashley loved hanging out with all the Carlins, but sneaking away with Spencer was always fun. Even if they weren't doing anything particularly exciting.
"I know you don't want to talk about it, but maybe it will help," Ashley suggested when it was clear that Spencer wasn't going to make the first move. When she was met with silence, Ashley didn't get frustrated or annoyed at the blonde. "We can just sit here, Spence, that's fine too."
"It's not fine," Spencer replied, her eyes fixated on the incoming waves. The status quo clearly wasn't working for her. This was an opportunity to try and approach the subject of her father in a very different way than she was used to. "I hate him. Most of the time I really hate him. How fucked up is that?"
It was difficult for Ashley to hear how distraught the blonde sounded. All she wanted to do was wrap Spencer up in her arms to try and take her pain away. She was also challenged with fighting the guilt she often felt when it came to Spencer. She couldn't stand that she hadn't been there for Spencer before. At least she was being given the chance to be there for her now. "It's not fucked up; you're allowed to feel that way."
"But I don't want to hate him," Spencer admitted. She was doing her best not to raise her voice or snap at Ashley. None of this was her fault. "It's just easier that way. If I hate him, I don't have to be let down by him or disappointed when he chooses to drink instead of being there for me."
Ashley could only imagine how hard it was for Spencer to be so honest with her. "I'm so sorry, I wish there was something I could do to make this better for you."
Spencer let out a half-hearted laugh. "I wish that too." She finally made eye contact with Ashley. "But you can't fix this, Ash, no matter how much you want to."
"You're right, I can't." She wanted to ask a question, but she hesitated momentarily. "Has he, uh, tried to stop drinking before?"
A deep-rooted fear of being vulnerable made it hard for Spencer to stay at the beach and in the moment. Running away was a natural instinct for her. She fought with herself not to give in to those thoughts and desires. "So many times." Spencer could feel herself tearing up, but she knew she wasn't going to cry. She hardly ever did that anymore. "He's made me more promises than I can count and he breaks those promises every time."
Ashley had experienced firsthand what it was like to be let down by her parents. Neither her mom nor dad were ideal parents. The difference was she knew that about them from a young age. She wondered what it must be like for Spencer to have grown up experiencing a strong support system and then have that taken away from her.
"I've given up trying with him," Spencer continued. She had actually given up trying in many aspects of her life. What was the point in trying when you most of the time life disappointed you? Sitting here with Ashley, talking about her feelings was a definite exception to that philosophy. "Do you remember how much fun we used to have here?" The question was meant as a distraction, but in reality, thinking of happy times with her family did nothing to make Spencer feel better.
"I remember how much fun you had chasing me around with a bucket of water when I didn't want to get my hair ruined." Ashley smiled at the memory. It was only now that she would acknowledge how much she enjoyed it when Spencer caught up to her and tackled her to the ground. She didn't know then why she enjoyed having her best friend on top of her. But she certainly knew why that was the case now. That was something that hadn't changed with time.
"You were always such a diva," Spencer remarked, her words kind and not at all sarcastic. Both girls laughed and it was a nice moment of levity to enjoy. That moment didn't last long enough. "I used to think I had the perfect family, you know?" Ashley nodded; she had thought that too. "But it turns out that love and affection was just a joke, an illusion. I don't have anybody now."
Ashley reached over to put her hand on top of Spencer's. "You have me," she pledged. "It's not the same, I get that, but you have me." She could see the blonde tearing up, "I'm here for you, Spence."
The more vulnerable Spencer felt, the harder it was for her to breathe. She wanted to trust and believe in Ashley. Her desire to believe the exact opposite wasn't only because of the brunette's past mistakes. Deep down, Spencer held on to this idea that having her parents abandon her was a reflection on her, and not on them. It's not that she didn't recognize their inherent selfishness—that much was obvious. She reasoned that outside of that, there was something about her that lead the two people who were supposed to give unconditional love to do the exact opposite of that.
"I've spent so much time thinking that everyone is always going to let me down," Spencer confessed, the words felt excruciating to get out. But this wasn't about only her anymore; she needed Ashley to fully understand where she was coming from. Even more basic than that, she needed Ashley. She needed her more than even she had realized. She looked down at Ashley's hand on top of hers and then back up at the brunette. "And outside of Sean, most people have." Her intention wasn't to make the other girl feel bad, just to be honest.
Ashley could promise Spencer the world and it wouldn't resolve everything or prove her intentions. Only time and her actions could do that. She moved next to the blonde, needing to be close to her. Ashley pulled Spencer into her body and wrapped her arm around the other girl's shoulder. She kissed the top of Spencer's head while holding her even tighter.
Spencer allowed herself to relax into the brunette's hold of her. She rested her head on Ashley and closed her eyes. As awful as her dad coming back had made her feel, being here with Ashley made her feel somewhat at peace with the situation. The safeguards she'd put in place to avoid getting hurt were starting to weaken. They weren't going to go away overnight or all at once. But if she and Ashley had a shot of working out in the long term, they had to come down eventually.
"Can I ask you a question?" Spencer was playing with the bracelet on Ashley's wrist.
"You can ask me anything."
Spencer smiled to herself. "How mad would you be if I ruined your hair by pushing you in the ocean?" She didn't allow Ashley a chance to respond, "Because, you know, you kind of owe me after everything you've put me through."
Only Spencer would turn this kind of situation around into a joke. "You're terrible, you know that?" She kissed the top of the blonde's head again. She didn't mind that Spencer was changing the subject. She had shared enough of her feelings that Ashley knew this wasn't a ploy to distract or avoid.
Spencer moved back so she was facing an amused looking Ashley. "What?" she asked innocently. "Are you trying to tell me that I'm not right?"
Ashley started wagging her finger at the smirking blonde. "Spencer Carlin, I am warning you, if you so much as one drop of water falls on my head, you're in big trouble."
Opening up to Ashley had once caused Spencer to panic, but now it made her feel better, lighter. It might be a temporary feeling but she was going to enjoy it. She tilted her head and flashed Ashley a mischievous smile. "What if I like being in trouble?" Spencer started to make a move like she was going to follow through on her threat.
"You stop that right now!" Ashley warned, but her laughing somewhat tempered the very serious message she was trying to get across. "I'm serious."
Instead of doing anything bad, Spencer kissed Ashley softly on the mouth. She wondered fleetingly if Ashley was OK with a public display of affection but that thought petered out when the brunette responded to her kiss immediately.
"Are you hungry?" Ashley asked after they had kissed for a few minutes. When Spencer nodded she continued. "There's an In-N-Out not too far from here. We could pick up food and then come back here to eat. That sound good to you?"
"Sounds great," Spencer replied. Her evening might not have turned out like she hoped it was going to, but at least she wasn't alone.
As she walked back to Ashley's car, she was holding her shoes in one hand and swinging her other hand absentmindedly. She wasn't looking at the brunette and that's why when she felt Ashley's fingers slide into hers, it took her by surprise. Spencer looked down at their joined hands and marveled in how good it felt to be connected like this to Ashley. She gazed up at Ashley and her heart melted at the expression on the other girl's face. It made her insides quiver.
The rest of the journey to the brunette's car was done in silence. Both girls were enjoying just being with one another.
"Hey, Ash?"
Ashley was just about to reluctantly let go of Spencer's hand, but stopped walking right as she reached her car instead. "Yeah?"
Spencer – suddenly shy – looked down at the ground. She really wasn't good with all this emotion stuff. "Thanks," she started before working up the nerve to have her eyes on Ashley's again, "for today and for bringing me here."
Ashley brushed the hair away from Spencer's face with her free hand. She leaned over and kissed tip of the blondes nose, earning her a soft smile. "You don't have to thank me. I, uh, that's what I'm here for."
"Hey, Ash?"
"Mmmmm?" Ashley was staring intently into Spencer's blue eyes. She couldn't get enough of the other girl.
"After dinner, do you think we can make out in the backseat of your car for a bit?"
Ashley burst out laughing. "I think you know the answer to that question."
"Yeah, I think I do," Spencer replied. She chewed on her bottom lip as she waited for Ashley to unlock the car.
It was amazing how much better she felt than when they had first left her house. Maybe there was something to the idea of talking about her feelings after all.