A/N Happy long weekend! (If you're Canadian like me). And if you're not, I hope you still have a fabulous one. Be back in a week with my next update :)
Chapter 24
Ashley sat in the hospital waiting room with her eyes fixated on the doors she was told Spencer would soon be coming out of. She'd arrived at the hospital a few minutes earlier, her heart and mind racing. She had no idea where Spencer was or what was going on with her dad.
All Ashley could recall about what happened after Arthur fell were fleeting images and parts of conversations. If this was how she was feeling, she couldn't even begin to imagine what Spencer was going through.
Spencer had gone to the hospital in the ambulance with her dad, while Ashley had followed in her car. She wasn't able to remember much about leaving Spencer's house, except for all the blood that was left behind.
There was so much blood.
Ashley was trying not to picture it in her head but was having little success. Arthur had regained consciousness at some point, but he couldn't really answer the questions asked and wasn't easy to understand when he tried. Ashley didn't know how much of his incoherence was alcohol-induced. Of course, she didn't know much of anything.
All she did know was that she was terrified out of her mind and she was worried about Spencer, who was probably going through hell at the moment. Ashley's stomach was tied up in knots. She wanted to find Spencer and make sure she was OK, even though she knew that, if anything, the blonde was the exact opposite of OK.
Her eyes remained locked on the door. She was too scared to blink or move.
Ashley wasn't sure how much time had gone by, but when the doors did open and Spencer walked towards her, she felt like she could finally exhale. But her anxiety didn't entirely disappear. She was aware, given Spencer's history, there was a chance the blonde was going to push Ashley away and rebuff any offers of help.
But as soon as she caught Spencer's eye, Ashley knew that wasn't going to be the case. She could see how relieved Spencer was when she had spotted the brunette. Ashley got up from her seat and before she had a chance to say anything, Spencer was embracing her.
Spencer couldn't pinpoint her feelings. There was a mixture of many things: fear, anxiety, anger, panic, heartache and so much more. Despite what she had witnessed over the last hour or so, it still didn't feel real. She had the sensation that any second she'd wake up and be back in her bed. The only thing that felt real right now was Ashley.
As soon as Spencer had spotted Ashley in the waiting room, it was like the volume all around her had returned to a normal level. There was no other way to describe it. She clung to Ashley as the horrors of what happened with her dad replayed over and over in her mind.
She remembered the blood and the way she'd screamed, but everything else after that was a blur. She wasn't even sure who called 911 or let the paramedics inside. The ride to the hospital was an out-of-body experience, almost like watching it happen on some TV show: she could see it happening but didn't feel a part of it. Everything that happened was impossible to process.
Spencer figured she was in shock.
Maybe that was the only way she could cope with what she'd seen or cope with the guilt she was feeling.
She wasn't the reason her dad had fallen down the stairs, but Spencer felt that she was in some way responsible. If only she hadn't yelled at him or been so awful, he would probably not be in the hospital. They hadn't even told her if he was going to be OK. Nobody was giving her any news and the not knowing was only fueling her anxiousness.
One of the nurses had given her a pair of scrubs to change into because her clothes had been covered in her dad's blood. She nearly threw up when the nurse had pointed that out to her. Once she'd changed out of her clothes she'd tossed them out. The last thing Spencer wanted was a reminder of this night.
"Any news?" Ashley asked when Spencer had pulled away from her. She couldn't read the expression on the blonde's face and that was troublesome for her.
"They're still working on him. They didn't tell me when I'd get an update or anything."
"What can I do?" Ashley decided that instead of trying to figure out the best way to handle Spencer, she should just ask the blonde what she wanted. When Spencer shrugged in response, Ashley started to gently caress the side of Spencer's face. "How are you doing?"
Spencer shrugged a second time. She had no idea how to answer Ashley and she didn't want to snap at her girlfriend. She was starting to feel overwhelmed. "I just…" she exhaled, but the tightness in her chest was only getting worse. "I just need some space." Spencer cringed at how awful her answer sounded. "I mean-"
Ashley wasn't upset or put off by what the blonde had said. "It's fine, Spence, really. I can leave for a while if you want."
Spencer squeezed Ashley's hand. This wasn't about chasing Ashley away. "No, don't go anywhere, I'm going to head outside for a bit." She could see how concerned the other girl was for her. It was comforting and a bit stifling. "I won't be long, I promise."
Ashley handed Spencer her phone. She had grabbed it before she left the blonde's house. "I'll message you if anything happens."
"Thank you," Spencer said, her voice cracked as the emotions of the night threatened to break her. But she wasn't anywhere close to crying or coming to terms with things. She pressed her lips softly against Ashley's before leaving the emergency room.
Once Spencer was gone, Ashley sat back down. The anxiety she'd been feeling before intensified. She understood why Spencer had taken off for a bit, but that didn't mean she wasn't worried about her girlfriend—not to mention Arthur. As she sat in the uncomfortable hospital chair she did something she hadn't done in years: she prayed.
Spencer took a deep breath as soon as she stepped outside. It didn't help, though. She was trying to find a way to calm but herself down, but it wasn't working. She felt tense everywhere.
She couldn't believe how badly her dad was hurt. Even though it still felt like a nightmare, she was having difficulty getting the images of her bloodied dad out of her mind. Her brain was refusing to go anywhere but to the moment when she'd see him lying unmoving on the floor. It was an awful image and she wanted to see anything but that. Her instinct was to curl herself into a ball and to shut out the world around her. It seemed like such an easy way out.
At the end of the day - even with all the anger she had towards her dad – she just wanted to know that he was going to be fine. Spencer had already lost a brother and her mother was non-existent in her life after rejecting her, so she wasn't ready to lose her dad too. His drinking may have driven a wedge between them the last few years, but he wasn't gone completely.
Spencer started shaking, fighting the thought that her dad wouldn't make it through this. She couldn't even comprehend what that would mean, and she needed not to go there.
When Spencer opened her eyes, she had to do a double take. Walking towards her was Sean. In a night that already felt weird and unreal, his presence only added to that. She felt such relief in seeing him. Sean was hugging her in an instant. She held onto him in a very different way then she did with Ashley. With Ashley it was like trying to lose herself in the embrace. With Sean it was like clinging to someone who she knew had the strength to hold her up.
"What are you doing here?" Spencer asked.
"Ashley called me," Sean explained. He had raced over as soon as he'd gotten the news about Arthur.
They didn't need to exchange words to know that they were thinking about the last time they'd been at this hospital. Both of them were flashing back to the night that Clay was shot. The only way that Spencer had gotten through that night was because of Sean. Everyone else in her family had been so wrapped up in their own pain, so it was Sean that Spencer had leaned on. It wasn't one sided. Sean needed Spencer just as much back then.
Spencer had hoped that she'd never have to relieve that experience again. But it was all rushing back to her and she couldn't figure out how to stop it.
"How's your dad doing?"
"I don't know," Spencer replied. She was doing her best to fight the panic that was building within in her. "Nobody has told me anything in awhile."
"Maybe we should back inside," Sean suggested. He wasn't sure why Spencer was alone, but he figured that getting the blonde back to her girlfriend was a good idea. If anything happened to Arthur, Spencer was going to need all the support she could get.
"Yeah, sure." Spencer didn't want to argue. She just wanted everything fixed. She should have been spending the night with Ashley in her bed, not at the hospital.
Sean put his arm on Spencer's shoulder as the two of them walked inside. In his experience, platitudes were not the best way to comfort his friend. She needed time and space and would ask for help when she needed it.
Ashley was on her feet the second she spotted Spencer. She was relieved to see that Sean had made it. She barely remembered their conversation and hadn't been a hundred percent sure that she'd given him the right information on which hospital they were at.
"No news?" Spencer inquired. When Ashley shook her head she tried not to think that was a bad sign. Not knowing what was going on was horrible.
"I'm just going to grab a coffee. Do you guys want anything?" Sean asked. Spencer shook her head while Ashley answered with a quiet "no," so he left them alone as he headed to the cafeteria on his own.
Ashley reached for Spencer's hands once the two of them were seated. She needed the blonde to know that she could lean on her for support.
"Thanks for calling Sean," Spencer said to break the silence that was hanging over them. "Having him here helps."
Ashley leaned over to kiss Spencer's forehead. She didn't want to tell Spencer that she was welcome; Ashley was just doing what any good girlfriend would do, she reasoned. "I'm sorry that this is happening."
"Me too." Spencer couldn't control her leg that bounced up and down while they waited for an update. She felt this excessive amount of energy that she couldn't get rid of. It was maddening.
It didn't take long for Sean to return. The three of them stayed quiet as they continued to wait for any word on Arthur's condition. Every once in a while, Ashley would grip Spencer's hand just a little bit harder. Spencer would then look over at Ashley and try to smile for her girlfriend. With each minute that passed, the tension increased. Every time a doctor or nurse came out, the three of them would perk up, only to be disappointed when they were never spoken to.
Spencer was on the verge of going up to the nurse's desk to demand answers. She couldn't stand the silence. It was causing her stomach to tighten up even more than it was already. As she looked around to see if anyone was going to come over, Spencer spotted the one thing that could make her horrible night even worse.
"Fuck me," she muttered to herself. She didn't need this right now.
Ashley was about to ask Spencer what was wrong when she saw what the blonde had seen. Then it was Sean's turn to figure out was going on.
Spencer decided to take action. Before her mother had a chance to say anything to her, she spoke up first. "What the hell are you doing here?"
Paula's face – which was already frowning – got even more disagreeable. "Don't you speak to me that way," she commanded her daughter. "Believe me, I have better things to do on a Friday night."
Spencer had risen to her feet and had let go of Ashley's hand. She was so happy to have someone to take her anger out on. She didn't want to do that to the brunette or Sean, her mother was another story all together. "Then leave."
"Your father might permit you to act however you want, but I will not tolerate you showing me so much disrespect." Paula was not going to back down. "If he hadn't dragged his feet on our divorce, I wouldn't be the one the hospital decided to call. It's so typical of him."
Spencer was horrified that her mother was talking about her dad like that. She expected it, but that didn't make the sting of her words hurt any less. Paula didn't even know if he was alive or dead, but she still felt the need to put Arthur down. Spencer had plenty of issues with her dad but she was still protective of him. "I really don't want you here."
Paula's nostrils flared at her daughter's comment. "You better watch yourself, Spencer."
"Or what, mother?" Spencer's tone was biting and cold. "What could you possibly do to me that is worse than you've done already? You don't even care if he's OK or not, so why even bother showing up?"
"I told you I didn't want to be here, but I'm your father's next of kin so if decisions need to be made, he's put me in the position of making those decisions," Paula explained angrily.
Spencer rolled her eyes. "Poor you. It must be so hard to come from your perfect family and have to deal with the family that you abandoned." Paula had started dating another man almost immediately after she had separated from Arthur. She always brought up how her boyfriend's kids were so well behaved and on the "right" path in life.
"Why do you have to start with me every time we see each other?" Paula asked her daughter. She had been in the middle of hosting a dinner party when she got the call about Arthur. She was in no mood for a fight with Spencer. She just wanted to go back home. "Sometimes you're so exhausting."
Spencer was positively livid. She wished she could say she was surprised by how awful her mom was, but she wasn't. This was just par for the course now when it came to Paula. "Oh, I don't know!" She was thinking of nothing right then except being as awful to her mother as possible. "Maybe because you're a hypocrite and someone I can't stand to be around you."
"Honestly, Spencer!" Paula exclaimed. Any patience she might have had was rapidly disappearing. "Where were you when this even happened? You're supposed to be there to stop this kind of thing."
Never mind that Spencer was the child and not responsible for her dad's action. It was the implication of her "lifestyle" that she really objected to. "I was out having a lesbian orgy. My bad."
Paula did not think Spencer's joke was funny. "You're disgusting!"
Spencer started laughing, her mom was so easy to annoy. "Can't you take a joke?"
"I don't think there's anything funny about the way you choose to live your life," Paula replied sternly. "You're going against God and it's wrong." She took a step towards Spencer, "I didn't raise you to live a life full of sin. You are such a disappointment to me."
Ashley was the one who was disgusted. She had such a hard time reconciling the Paula she knew from the woman who was berating her daughter like she was. She had an overwhelming desire to punch Paula in the face. She couldn't stand the way she was talking to Spencer. Not only did it make her angry, but it also made her feel bad for the blonde. Ashley might not have the best mom, but the woman mostly ignored her. She didn't go out of her way to be awful.
"I guess we have something in common, because you are an absolute disappointment to me." Spencer shot back. Getting upset at her mom's words was giving the other woman too much power. She was going to fight fire with fire. "So why don't you go fuck yourself and get the fuck out of here."
Paula reacted instantly and without thought. She slapped Spencer across the face, not caring if what she was doing was right or not. Ashley gasped in horror and Sean's first instinct was to step in front of his friend.
Spencer winced in pain but she would never give her mother the satisfaction of reacting to what she'd done. She gently pushed Sean out of the way—she didn't need him to protect her from this fight. She was done letting her mom have any affect on her life. "I think it's best you walk away right now."
"Or what?" Paula challenged. She would not let Spencer dictate anything to her.
Ashley couldn't bit her tongue any longer. If Spencer got mad at her for speaking up she didn't care. This time she was the one who moved in front of the blonde, her eyes were blazing. She stood as tall as her short frame would allow. "Get out. Now."
"Ashley?" Paula's confusion on Ashley's presence distracted her from how angry she was with Spencer. She hadn't seen the brunette in a very long time. It had even taken her a few seconds to recognize the girl she'd once considered her second daughter. "What are you doing here?"
"I'm stopping you from touching one more hair on my girlfriend's head." Ashley replied, her jaw set. "You're not welcome here."
"I'm going to find out if anyone can give me an update on Arthur," Paula said. She glared at Spencer, Ashley and Sean one more time before turning around and walking away. She was not about to be bossed around, but she did think it was wise to leave for the time being.
Ashley would not relax until she could no longer see Paula . Once she was gone, she turned around to face Spencer. She hoped that what she'd done would not get her in trouble.
Sean, sensing that Spencer and Ashley might need some time alone, followed behind to make sure the other woman wasn't going to come back any time soon.
"Does it hurt?" Ashley asked as she gently caressed the blonde's still red cheek.
Spencer shook her head. She didn't have any clue how to process what had just taken place. Her brain felt like it was barely functioning. It was all too much, but at the same time she couldn't deny how good it felt to have Ashley stand up for her.
"I'm so sorry," Ashley whispered as she started to get emotional. She hated that Spencer had to go through that. Seeing Paula in action for a few minutes made Ashley wonder how she'd been acting the last few years. It caused her to feel rage, but also something else—something even stronger. "You shouldn't have to… What I mean is…"
She couldn't get her thoughts together. They were a jumbled mess. It only took one look in Spencer's confused eyes for Ashley to get them back to making sense.
It wasn't just Paula's behavior that had given Ashley a jolt of reality. That's not to say it didn't have an affect on her because it absolutely did. When Ashley thought of what it must have been like for Spencer to not only lose her brother, but also her parents too, in a way, it must have been horrible. The brunette was only getting a glimpse of what it was like for Spencer and she was sick to her stomach. When she'd walked away from the blonde, she didn't realize the hell the other girl would have to live through.
It wasn't just the interaction with Paula that clarified things for Ashley. Seeing Arthur hurt so badly had scared the brunette. In a second everything had changed. What if something like that happened to Spencer? Sure, Arthur's drinking played a large part in why he was in the hospital, but that didn't make Ashley's fear any different. Something could happen to Spencer and, if it did, Ashley didn't know what she'd do. There was no predicting what was coming around the corner and that was a terrifying thought.
It wasn't like this was the first time she realized how deeply her feelings for Spencer ran. But it was the first time she was willing to face what that meant exactly. She had always known how much she cared for the blonde, it was just that usually Ashley buried those feelings in a place she ignored.
Ashley took a deep breath before she continued. "Look, Spence, I know this is completely the wrong time to tell you this and it's like the least romantic way I imagine…" her voice went quiet as the weight of what she was trying to get out, hit her. She took Spencer's hands in hers. "I know my timing isn't ideal and maybe this is too soon but…" Once again what Ashley wanted to say didn't seem like it was coming out right.
Instead of trying to beat around the bush, she decided just to say what was in her heart.
"I love you so much, Spence," Ashley finally got out. She saw Spencer's eyes widen at her declaration but she wasn't going to stop until she had gotten everything out that she'd been holding in. "I am so in love with you," she added, needing to clarify her feelings, because it wasn't like this was the first time she'd told Spencer that she loved her. "And I'm sorry if I'm screwing everything up by telling you this now, but I just had to tell you because you are so important to me and-"
Spencer cut Ashley off with a fierce and hard kiss. But it wasn't long before she was pulling away so she could look into the brown eyes that she adored. "I love you too, Ash." The words were out before Spencer had a chance to hold back or worry about the consequences of her own confession. "I've been in love with you, I think, since the first time I saw you."
Ashley's eyes welled up and not long after a few tears started to roll down her cheeks. Spencer was in love with her too. All the pain of the past and the present was forgotten for the time being. Nothing else mattered right then except the two of them and the feelings that were finally being expressed. "We were just kids back then," Ashley said through her tears.
Spencer laughed as she brushed those tears away from Ashley's face. She never believed in her darkest moments that she could ever feel like this. Or that she'd ever get the chance to be with Ashley in this way. So many times she'd cursed the fact that she was in love with Ashley. She hated that no matter what she did, her feelings wouldn't go away. When Ashley had come back into her life those feelings had only intensified. But Spencer didn't feel secure expressing them. She'd been holding on until what they had was on more stable ground.
In the chaos of the night, Spencer finally felt safe and that was all because of the brunette.
But Spencer didn't reply to Ashley's comment. She knew that things with her dad could turn out badly and she needed to relish this moment for as long as she could. The girl she had always been in love with loved her back. It felt amazing.
Reality could wait.
This couldn't.
Spencer kissed Ashley, not caring who was watching, as they lost themselves in each other. They relished this opportunity that had seemed improbable only weeks ago.
The rest of the world – and all the problems that they still had to deal with – faded slowly away.