A/N So, uh, I guess it's a little past the beginning of July. I AM SO SORRY! Believe me, I had no intention of waiting so long to update but real life stuff got in the way and my writing suffered. I have reviews to respond to and PMs to reply to and I will definitely get that done this weekend. Thanks to each and everyone of you who who has left a review, read my story and let me know you are still interested in me continuing. I am definitely back on the writing track. New chapters should now be posted regularly. Have a great weekend and to any other Canadians reading, Happy Thanksgiving.

Chapter 27

"I hate hospitals," Spencer remarked as she walked down the hospital corridor with Ashley by her side.

"I know you do," Ashley replied. She wasn't exactly a fan of them either. "But on the bright side you won't be back here after today. That's a good thing, right?"

"Yeah, I guess." Spencer let out an audible sigh. She was conflicted. On one hand she was happy that her dad was starting rehab tomorrow. He had finally gotten the medical clearance to go home, which was great news. On the other hand, it was another change in Spencer's life that she had to deal with. She wasn't going to see her father for months and she wasn't sure how she felt about that.

It's not like her visits to him had been anything resembling normal. She wasn't ready to let her guard down and he tried to pretend that everything was OK. Even prior to this, it's not like Arthur had been any kind of stable father figure in her life—at least, not in the last few years. In spite of the anger and betrayal that Spencer felt, she still had to say goodbye again. She still had to deal with someone else leaving her. She still had to face the possibility that rehab wouldn't work. And where would that leave her? What then? The uncertainty that had plagued the blonde since her family had been torn apart wasn't going away any time soon.

At least Spencer had Ashley in her corner. Having the brunette by her side as she struggled to cope with all the things that had taken place since her dad had entered the hospital made it all just a little bit better. Sean was of course around and offered his support like he always did, but having Ashley there for her helped out more than Spencer even realized.

When she had invited Ashley back in her life – and in her heart – Spencer had always thought she was being careful about trusting too much and too soon. She reasoned that she could hold back on letting Ashley completely in until the brunette had earned the right to have every part of the blonde. Since her dad had been hurt, she understood that caution and being careful wasn't possible when it came to the girl she loved. That didn't mean she wasn't capable of pushing Ashley away or trying to hide her feelings from Ashley. Those were two things she had tried to do more than once over the last few days. But Ashley could see through her crap and Spencer realized she actually wanted that from the other girl.

The feeling of wanting to be that close to someone still terrified Spencer. That much hadn't changed. What had changed was how much she was willing to try and be better and to try and not repeat the mistakes of her recent past. Ashley was worth every scary step being with her sometimes entailed. She loved Ashley more than she ever thought she would ever allow herself to love another person again. Especially when that person had hurt her like the brunette had.

Ashley didn't press Spencer to explain herself. She understood what was on her girlfriend's mind and why she wasn't jumping for joy that hospital visits wouldn't be a part of their daily routine like it had been this past week.

Practically living at Spencer's house hadn't exactly been the dream it had sounded like it would be at first. She had school to contend with, cheerleading practice, hospital visits, homework, having to make the occasional appearance at home and the rest of her time was spent worrying about Spencer. It was exhausting.

That's not to say that there hadn't been plenty of time for the two of them to indulge in other, more pleasurable activities. Thankfully that part of their relationship hadn't suffered much because of what the blonde was going through.

There was still a part of Ashley that was treading very carefully when it came to the blonde. In the back of her mind she was still concerned that if she pushed Spencer too much, it would cause her to run away or shut down. Spencer hadn't shown any signs of doing that yet , so each day that passed, Ashley's concern lessened somewhat.

"What do you want to do for dinner after we're done here?" Ashley inquired. She figured it was a safe question to ask.

"Whatever you want to cook for me is good," Spencer replied, the tension she had been feeling momentarily disappearing. She flashed the brunette a very mischievous smile. "No need to stress about it."

"And I'm cooking for you because?"

"Because I'm going through a very difficult time and you promised to take care of me?" Spencer knew she was pushing her luck, but she welcomed the distraction of having some fun at Ashley's expense.

Ashley laughed. "Wow, Spence, that is some big time manipulation on your part." She wasn't mad at her girlfriend. She took it as a good sign that Spencer was in the mood to joke around. "You sure you want to use my sympathy on something as mundane as dinner when you could use it to get me to do other things for you…or to you."

The implication of what Ashley was referring to was crystal clear to the blonde. She hoped that flirting and engaging in verbal foreplay with the brunette would never lose the thrill that she got from it. "I don't think I need to your sympathy to get you to do anything to me. Not when I have my charm and undeniable attractiveness at my disposal."

Ashley laughed even harder. "One of these days, Carlin, your giant ego is going to be a giant turn off for me."

"I don't think we are anywhere close to that day," Spencer said with a lot of confidence. "If that day should actually come, I will have to find another way to get into your pants."

There were a lot of things about Ashley that Spencer loved. In fact the list of what those things would be extremely long. But near the top of that list would be the shade of red the brunette turned whenever Spencer said things that she knew would get a reaction out of her.

"You're an ass!" Ashley exclaimed before she swatted at Spencer's shoulder. She knew how much the blonde loved embarrassing her and even though Ashley secreted loved it too, she would never admit that out loud. "And if you're not careful, not only will you have to get dinner on your own, I will sleep at home tonight instead of in your bed."

Spencer knew it was an empty threat. Just in case it wasn't, she made sure to apologize and then she gave Ashley a very sweet and loving kiss. She might be a joker and have a big sarcastic streak in her, but Spencer wasn't stupid.

The two girls were quiet the rest of the walk to Arthur's hospital room. The light mood that had been present earlier was now tense again. Ashley offered Spencer a kiss on the hand and a promise to be there waiting for her when she was done. She wasn't going to join the blonde when she said goodbye to her dad. This was something that Spencer had to do on her own.

Feeling extremely anxious, but also wanting to get the visit over with, Spencer stepped inside the room. Every time she came to visit her dad she dreaded she would see her mom. Luckily, since that day when she had flatly refused to stay with Paula, the older woman had not been seen again. That made Spencer very happy.

"Hey," Spencer said to announce her arrival. Her stomach twisted itself into knots. She was on guard and wouldn't allow herself to relax at all.

Arthur looked away from the TV show he'd been watching, his face instantly brightened. Having Spencer come and see him was the highlight of his day. They might not be close like they once were, but Arthur was sure that given enough time that would change. Even with the blonde barely engaging in conversation, it still made him happy to see his daughter. "I was hoping I'd see you today."

"I told you yesterday that I was coming by. I mean, how else are you going to get your stuff before you start rehab?" Spencer replied curtly. She was instantly annoyed and her patience was non-existent. "Don't you remember?" The blonde really did have every intention of not being so rude to her dad, but the minute he opened his mouth, no mater what he said, she was instantly on edge. It was a vicious cycle that felt like it was always going to be repeated.

"Of course I do, Spence, I was just…" Arthur's voice trailed off, he knew that explaining himself was an exercise in futility. No matter what he tried, he was somehow in the wrong. If he tried to pretend everything was OK, Spencer got angry. If he tried to apologize for all the mistakes he'd made, Spencer got angry. If he tried to ask about anything in the blonde's life, Spencer got angry. "Did money get deposited in your account today?"

"Yeah, thanks for that." She wanted to bolt from the room right then, but she knew Ashley wouldn't be pleased if her visit with Arthur was over already. She walked over and dropped the bag that she'd been carrying at her the foot of her dad's bed. "Here're your things by the way."

"Thank you," Arthur smiled at the blonde but her face remained stoic. Their conversation was stilted and uncomfortable. "If you have any problems with money or if you need help," he took a deep breath because he knew the next words out of his mouth were not going to go over well with his daughter, "you can call your mom." The blonde opened her mouth to fire off a response but this time, Arthur didn't give her a chance to cut him off. "I know you guys aren't on the best of terms but she will help you if you need it."

There were so many different ways that Spencer could respond to her dad's statement, but instead of freaking out, she chose to stay silent. Even if she was starving or some other crisis came up, there was absolutely no way she would ever call her mom for help. That wasn't going to happen.

"I'm going to be gone for three months, at least," Arthur continued when he saw that the blonde was keeping quiet. "It will make me feel a lot better to know that if things get out of hand, you will reach out to her."

Once again, Spencer was faced with know what she wanted to say versus wanting to end the conversation with her dad as quick as possible. She hated feeling so upset. "I'll be fine. I've been looking after myself for a long time now."

The blonde's words stung, but Arthur tried not to show how much they hurt. It's not like he could blame his daughter for what she said, especially when it was true. He wanted a drink more than anything. Not being able to have one was driving him to brink of keeping it together. But he wasn't going to break down in front of Spencer; he felt he owed her that. "Fair enough. How's school?"

"It's fine."

"How are you?"

"I'm fine."

Arthur wanted to push Spencer to talk to him more. He hadn't earned that right, so he backed off. "I won't be able to contact you for the first thirty days, or anyone really for that matter, but as soon as I earn phone privileges I will give you a call."

"OK," Spencer replied with no enthusiasm. She didn't tell her dad that she had very little faith he'd actually make it to the thirty day mark. He'd let her down so many times already, now didn't feel that different.

There were a lot of things that Arthur wanted to say to the blonde before she left. All the words that wanted to come out died on his tongue. Instead of prolonging the awkwardness of their interaction he told her he was tired and wanted to sleep. For a second time he promised to be in touch with her as soon as he was allowed.

It was only after Spencer had said goodbye and closed the door behind her that he finally allowed himself to cry.

"That was a fast visit," Ashley observed when her girlfriend emerged from Arthur's hospital room so soon after they had arrived.

Spencer shrugged. "He was tired and wanted to rest." The blonde's mood brightened up considerably now that her night alone with Ashley was about start. "How about we pick up some take out on the way home – my treat – so we don't have to waste time with your attempts at cooking." She reached for the brunette's hand. "That way, we can get to other things a lot quicker."

Ashley went from appearing offended to a bright smile. "I like the way you think."

"And all this time I thought you were with me because of my hot body," Spencer said with a smirk.

"You would think that." Ashley rolled her eyes but couldn't stop herself from laughing. She really was going to have to find a way to keep the blonde's ego in check. That thought was stopped when Spencer pulled her into an empty room to kiss her hard.

Before Ashley could deepen the kiss, Spencer left the room. "That's a preview for later," she said sticking her head back inside before taking off towards the car.

"You can't just leave me here like that!" Ashley exclaimed but it was no use. The blonde was already gone—much to Ashley's chagrin.

"You know you can't stay in the car forever," Ashley remarked after a few minutes of silence had passed. She wasn't trying to be pushy, just helpful.

"Of course I can't, I mean I would need food and a place to go to the bathroom." Spencer looked out the window and watched the people walking past Ashley's car. "But your car is roomy and the backseat is very comfortable, as we've discovered, so I could conceivably sleep here without an issue."

"Spencer," Ashley's tone was serious.

"Ugh, you only use my full name when I'm in trouble," Spencer said, while keeping her eyes focused on the random strangers outside. "And I'm not doing anything wrong anyway. This was a dumb idea."

Ashley did not think it was a dumb idea. Deep down, she was sure that Spencer didn't think that either. "Dumb idea or not, you have to go."

"I don't see why I'm being punished when I didn't even do anything wrong!" Spencer whined. She was not normally a whiner but these were not normal circumstances. "I'm fine and this is still a dumb idea."

If this was about a trivial issue, Ashley would find Spencer's pouting pretty damn cute. She had a hard time resisting the blonde and Spencer knew that. She wasn't going to be swayed on this and she wasn't going to give in. Short of physically removing Spencer from her car and taking her where she needed to go, Ashley was going to have to find another tactic to get what she wanted. "If you stop fighting me on this, I will reward you for it later."

Now it was Spencer's turn to resist Ashley. That was never easy to do, but it was especially hard when the brunette's voice went even huskier than it was already. Spencer was well aware of the fact that she had a weakness that only Ashley could cause. She had a strong suspicion that her girlfriend knew that fact as well. As tempting as Ashley's offer was, Spencer was a very stubborn person. "I'm not in the mood, so that's not going to work."

Ashley rolled her eyes even though Spencer wasn't looking at her. "That's not even a thing with you. You're always in the mood. Don't make me pull out the big guns, Spence. You won't like it."

"Whatever," Spencer replied before she folded her arms across her body. She didn't want to fight with Ashley. She hated when that happened. Her desire to not leave the car outweighed her desire to be reasonable. "So, by making me go you're telling me that you think I'm mentally unstable?"

"I know what you're doing and it's not going to work." Ashley gripped the steering wheel of her SUV so hard her knuckles were turning white. "I'm not going to get in an argument with you and I'm not going to let you run from this because you're scared."

Spencer whipped her head in Ashley's direction, her eyes were angry. "I'm not scared," she said, her tone icy. She nearly went on a rant that would have resulted in her saying very mean things to Ashley. The anger in her chest was coming to the surface, but for now, she was able to resist taking it out on her girlfriend. She didn't want to do that anymore when she'd said enough mean things to the brunette since they'd started talking again to last a lifetime. That didn't mean she was going to relent. It just meant she wasn't going to be a bitch about it. "I just don't want to go."

"If you don't go, then who knows what will happen?" Ashley didn't want Paula back in the picture. Spencer was a much more pleasant person when her mom wasn't around. "Therapy was a condition of staying on your own and-"

"I know that!" Spencer cut in. She wasn't exactly being polite, but once again she fought with herself to keep her anger at everything from spiraling out of control.

Ashley could tell the blonde was conflicted. Behind the anger was a lot of pain that Spencer had to deal with. It affected the other girl a great deal and even though she thought she could hide that from Ashley, she sucked at it. "Please," Ashley put her hand on Spencer's and waited for the blonde to look at her. "I know this isn't the kind of thing you want to be doing, but you need to go."

"This doctor is probably an idiot who won't be able to help me."

"So we'll find you someone else." Ashley said quietly. "It's not that bad, you might even find that you like going eventually."

"Yeah, right, that's not likely at all."

"I'll be right here waiting for you when you're done," Ashley promised. She was almost certain that Spencer wasn't going to argue with her anymore. At least she hoped that was the case.

Spencer grabbed her bag and undid her seatbelt. She might be going to her appointment but she wasn't going to be happy about it. That was until Ashley surprised her by leaning over to give her a kiss. It was almost impossible to be in a bad mood when that happened. She tried to go in for another kiss but Ashley moved back to her seat.

"There's more where that came from after."

Spencer put on a performance to show that she was still not pleased with having to leave. Knowing she couldn't stall much longer she finally got out the car. The smile that she got from Ashley for doing that was almost enough to make her mood a little less sour. That feeling lasted until she got into the waiting room of the doctor's office.

Once she gave her name to the receptionist her chest immediately tightened up. Then it was time for her stomach to tighten up. The idea that she'd have to talk about her feelings and emotions with a total stranger made Spencer anxious. She had a hard enough time expressing herself to Ashley and Sean, why would this be any different?

What would it matter anyway? she asked herself. Talking her feelings out wasn't going to change all the things in her life she wished she could change.

And as much as she didn't want to admit this to Ashley, let alone herself, she was actually scared. There were too many things bottled up inside herself that she wanted to hold on to. Letting go and being open was absolutely terrifying.

As she waited for the doctor, she resolved that no matter what, and no matter how many different therapists she had to see, she was just going to tell them what she assumed they wanted to hear. That was a much better idea to her than actually having to give therapy a try.

That plan did nothing to lessen the uneasiness that she felt.

After a few minutes, a door opened up and then Spencer heard her name being called. A new plan formed in her head as she followed the doctor inside her office. Instead of telling the doctor what she wanted to hear, Spencer vowed to just answer questions with as little information as possible.

It wasn't much of a plan, but Spencer wasn't thinking or acting rationally.

"Hello, Spencer, my name is Dr. Cooper," the doctor said when Spencer had taken a seat. "But you can call me Stacey if you want. I'm not really about formalities."

Spencer kept quiet.

"I understand from your dad that you will be coming here once a week," she continued, ignoring Spencer's lack of response. "He didn't say much to me when he set up this appointment, which is OK because I like to get information directly from my patients about why they are coming to see me."

Spencer slouched in her seat, her eyes looking around and not at the woman sitting across from her.

"Why don't you tell me why you're here?"

Spencer shrugged. She was uncomfortable and wanted more than anything to leave. It was the idea that she would disappoint Ashley that kept her in the office. However it wasn't enough to get her to talk.

"Spencer?"

"I'm here because I have to be here, not because I want to," Spencer finally said defiantly. "I don't think I need to be here at all. There's nothing I want to talk about."

Dr. Cooper did not react the way the blonde thought she would. Instead, she just answered, "OK."

"What do you mean OK?" Spencer asked, unable to help herself.

"If you don't think you need to be here, that's fine." Dr. Cooper's voice was calm and non confrontational.

Spencer remained skeptical. "So you're OK if we sit here for the next hour in silence?"

"Therapy isn't about forcing an issue or pressuring someone. It doesn't work that way so I'm not going to spend my time trying to make you open up to me."

"Oh, I get it. This is like some kind of attempt at reverse psychology. By taking a step back you think I'll want to talk to you?" Spencer was pleased with herself for spotting what the doctor was getting at. She wasn't going to fall for any tricks or attempts to play with her mind.

Dr. Cooper shook her head. "No, that's not it all. Like I said, none of this will work if you aren't a willing participant, that's all there is to it."

"Fine with me," Spencer replied. This was going to be easy, maybe she'd spend the time here taking a nap or day dreaming.

It took five minutes of Dr. Cooper writing in her notebook and ignoring Spencer completely for the blonde to react. She knew that was probably exactly what the doctor wanted, but she was powerless to stop herself from reacting.

"If I haven't told you anything, why are writing stuff down?" Spencer asked in spite of herself. She groaned internally at her lack of self control.

"I'm writing out a list of what I need to get at the grocery store on the way home tonight," Dr. Cooper explained.

Spencer wasn't sure what the doctor was playing at. "Excuse me?"

Dr. Cooper smiled. "I wasn't being serious."

Spencer was really pissed off. Dr. Cooper was pissing her off.

"I was actually just writing down some observations about you," Dr. Cooper explained when her joke fell flat.

Spencer snorted, "And tell me, what kind of insights could you possibly have about me when I've said like two fucking words to you?"

If Dr. Cooper was put off by the blonde's souring attitude and cursing, she didn't show it. "It's amazing what you can say to someone, Spencer, without using words."

"That is so profound," Spencer fired back, the sarcasm was impossible to miss. "That's some life changing words of wisdom."

"Tell you what, if what I wrote about you is so off base then we don't have to talk for the remainder of this session," Dr. Cooper proposed. "But if maybe there's some truth to what I've written down you have to tell me one thing about yourself that you'd rather I didn't know."

"Seriously?" Spencer hated that she had engaged in this conversation when she was supposed to be staying quiet. But there was something that was driving her to keep speaking. She found it maddening. "Fine, whatever, I don't care."

Dr. Cooper cleared her throat before she started reading from her notebook. "Spencer has blonde hair. So, seeing as that is truthful, I guess it's your-"

Instead of laughing at what Dr. Cooper had said, the blonde only got angrier. She didn't find anything funny about being played for a second time. "Is this your attempt to show me that you're like a cool doctor or something? Because let me tell you, that plan fucking failed. Do you think I'm going magically be in awe of your lame attempt to connect to me?"

"Sometimes I use humour to try put people at ease, but clearly that didn't work with you." Dr. Cooper said when Spencer had stopped ranting. "So here's the deal, there is something going on with you whether you want to admit it or not. You are quick to anger, defensive and completely closed off. I don't know why you are that way because you have told me repeatedly that you don't want to be here and you don't want to talk to me."

Spencer's jaw tightened, her whole body tensed up.

"Behind all that anger and bravado I think you're afraid, and I also think you're in a lot of pain. I think you push people away and I think that your first instinct when you arrived here today was to run away."

The more Dr. Cooper spoke, the more Spencer wanted her to shut up.

"I think that this tough-guy act of yours is so people won't see that deep down you are afraid of getting hurt. So instead of being vulnerable for even one second, which could lead to even more pain, you decide to act like nothing bothers you." The blonde remained silent as Dr. Cooper continued to talk. "And finally, I think you're about two seconds away from getting up and walking out the door."

Spence was starting to find it hard to breathe, she felt like the walls in the office were closing in on her.

"I meant what I said to you at the beginning of our session. I have no interest in forcing you to talk to me. If you're not a willing participant in therapy, it's not going to work. I'm good at what I do and I am confident I can help you if you're willing to accept my help." Dr. Cooper kept her eyes trained on her patient while she spoke. "Life is all about choices and you have a choice here. You can try and see if working with me helps you or you can decide I'm full of shit and you can do what I suspect you always do, which is shut down and shut people out. It's up to you."

The silence that followed felt like it lasted an eternity for the blonde. Her heart was racing as her chest got even tighter. She hadn't expected to be put on the hot seat and she hadn't expected to feel this kind of pressure. Every instinct told her that she needed to protect herself by staying quiet and not letting anybody in. But she thought about what letting Ashley in – just that little bit – had been like and how much happier she was in a lot of ways. She had taken a chance with the brunette and so far it had paid off. This situation was obviously different, but in many ways it wasn't. It all came down to whether Spencer was willing to take a chance.

Even more than that, what she had said to Ashley the morning after her dad had been sent to the hospital was still true. She was tired of being angry so much of the time and she was tired of carrying that anger around with her.

That didn't mean that the decision she had to make was easy or that letting someone help her was going to be what she picked.

She had been on her own, relying on herself and staying strong to avoid breaking down for so long she wasn't sure she could function any other way. When you feel like you can't count on anyone, keeping yourself protected was the smart thing to do to survive.

But maybe just surviving wasn't enough anymore.

Spencer averted her eyes down to the floor and then she closed them. She took a very deep breath before she took what she felt was a huge risk. "My brother was shot and killed when I was 14. When I had no friends he became the person I was closest to and losing him was harder than anything I have ever gone through. I told my best friend in my world that I like girls and she shut me out of her life, which absolutely slayed me. I guess it's OK now because she's back in my life and my girlfriend but I don't know if I'm over what happened between us. She chose the most horrid person in school to be friends with when we were apart and that person made it her mission to make me a pariah. She was very successful at that by the way. I have another brother but he barely acknowledges my existence and I can't count on him for anything. When my mom found out I'm gay she pretty much disowned me and when my parents got divorced she got a new family that she can take care of. My dad's an alcoholic and 10 days ago he had a bad accident because he was drunk out of his mind, and for a few horrible hours I thought I was going to lose him too. I'm here because he's going to rehab and I have nobody to take care of me so to avoid staying with my mother – who is an awful human being – I agreed to therapy and that's about it."

The blood rushed through Spencer's ears after she'd finished telling her life story. There was a lump in her throat and she wasn't sure she'd be able to keep her composure much longer.

"That's a lot of information to digest," Dr. Cooper remarked. "Doesn't it feel better to get some of that off your chest?"

"Honestly, no," Spencer admitted, but the biting tone she'd been using before was gone. She was vulnerable and feeling very uneasy. When she finally looked back up at the doctor, she found warm eyes looking back at her.

"It will be better though," Dr. Cooper promised. "It won't feel like it at first and you're probably going to fight me every step of the way, but if you can trust me, Spencer, and if you try your best to work with me, things will get better. You've clearly been through a lot and I will do my best to help you."

There was something about Dr. Cooper that made Spencer trust her and want to open up to her. She had no idea why or if that feeling would change. Deep down she hoped that wasn't the case. Even though she wouldn't say the words out loud, or ask for it directly, she did actually want the help that was being offered.

Spencer couldn't stop fidgeting. She had nervous energy that she needed to get rid of. "How could you tell all that stuff about me? Really?"

"Lucky guess," Dr. Cooper replied with a smile.

Spencer wasn't sure if the doctor was still kidding around or not, but she found herself returning the smile.

Instead of acting like as ass when Dr. Cooper asked her a question, Spencer did what she never thought she'd want to: she started to open up.

And for right now, it wasn't nearly as hard as she thought it would be.