My peanut butter chocolate cake with Kool-Aid; I'm trying not to waste my time
Everything he was doing was, in someway, 'soft'. Soft words, soft hands, soft eyes; she wondered if she was making him lose his edge, might despair if she did. The way he watched her moves in the week they had together made her blush, unused to being checked after by anyone. Since he was working out of the lower reaches of her townhouse, she could peer over the bannister, watching the troops trundle in and out of her wide open door, allowing so many flies inside.
Hanji was also with him, chatting happily with Zoe if she ever went downstairs with a flyswatter, ignoring Levi's grumbled, "Leave her be. And Zoe, you shouldn't be moving so much."
"I can't sleep with 30 flies in my house, Levi. I saw a spider, and you know how I feel about spiders."
"I'll handle the flies, yea?"
Zoe gave him the flyswatter when he reached for it, allowing him to pull it from her reluctant hands, sighing soft, "Okay, okay."
His blue-gray eyes were gentle for a moment, and he moved to press a quick kiss to her waiting lips. Hanji's shrill shout made her wince, stepping back from him reflexively. Levi turned around to face Hanji, brow darkening again with vaguely murderous intent. With the attention removed from her, and a new group of soldiers stepping through her door, she slipped upstairs, shutting the door behind her. He should've known better, to try any sort of PDA in front of Hanji, a woman who'd once called her Levi's paramour.
After he closed her door to any other business around five in the afternoon, almost booting Hanji out of the confines of her house, he went out for food. And it'd been years since anyone had asked her what she wanted for dinner; actually asked, and waited for her response, hand on the bannister of the stairs, groceries in one of his hands. But, it had taken him hours to get two bags of groceries, so maybe he was making it up to her.
"Are you going to tell me, or stare at me?" he asked, and she felt her face heat up.
He walked up the stairs while she questioned him, "What do we have in the kitchen? Tell me, and I'll tell you."
"I'll go back out for whatever you want, you know?" he stated, fingers tapping along the bannister, stopping a step below her.
"Levi, it took you hours to get two bags," she sighed, taking the bags from him, opening them without moving from her spot at the top of the stairs.
"The goddamn merchants wanted to tangle with me, so I showed them up. People don't know how long I can stay silent and staring," Levi said, smug air intensifying.
"How long did you-"
"thirty minutes."
She looked up at him, resisting a smile, trying to give him a bland look. "Really?" When he shrugged, she couldn't help but laugh, pulling him up into a hug, mostly happy he was back at the moment. His arms were strong at her waist, squeezing her against him, making her smile a bit more. She loved being around him, even when he was so evidently not good at day to day activities, and his competitive nature set him at odds with everybody, even her at times.
"What do you want me to fix you, you still have to answer that?" he repeated, easing back with her, covering the last step to come level with her.
"chicken and potatoes."
"Please add in something green," he said, sounding a bit like her brother, maybe her mother, but the woman had never asked her what she wanted.
"...do we have peas?"
Levi sighed heavy, turning back down the stairs. "You and your peas."
"Sorry!" she called after him, starting down the stairs. "let me come with you, if that helps."
"No, stay there. Light a fire at the stove; if I going to make you a potato and chicken, I need some pots and pans going," he said, eyebrows raising for a moment, eyes gentle beneath the dark lines, letting her know his earlier sigh was sarcasm and melodrama. "I'll be back in an hour."
"It's just peas!"
The seed of all this indecision isn't me, oh no,
'Cause I decided long ago.
But that's the way it seems to go when trying
So hard to get to something real,
She joined him in his plate washing ritual, Levi's methodic rhythm somewhat inspiring; he only left the drying to her, eyes on his job most of the time. Despite the few plates, his intensive process took him an hour or so. An hour he'd told her he'd rather be doing something else in, but this, like cleaning, eased his mind. Zoe wasn't here to change his actions, was able to read at the same time, her drying something she was more inclined to let the air handle.
"Don't you have any business to attend to?" Zoe asked, as soon as he was finished, sliding from the countertop, closing her mystery book as she found herself a new spot on the nearby couch. "I feel terrible leaving you to working out of my first floor and basement."
"It's Hanji that likes this as her own office. She calls us office buddies, and often trots up stairs to bother you like the shitty four-eyes she is, against my word, and then asks surprised to find her ass to the ground. You know, sometimes, I imagine her as a floating spectre with only glasses," he grunted, easing her legs off the couch so he could sit next to her, lounging there as he always did.
"You can just go back to HQ, I think they need both of us, Levi. So leave before I have to."
"I'm not going to leave you, that's silly. Do you think I don't like getting off work?"
"But these are trying times-"
"Do you actually think the central government is going to let anyone but Erwin actually make demands, when it comes to the Scout Regiment? All my suggestions were dismissed on the idea that they were too mean, which is shitty."
"What were some of your suggestions?"
"Bring down something rather foul down on the Merchant's guild, along with completely disassembling the Military Police."
She narrowed her eyes, book forgotten now that he was involving her military allegiance in his diatribes. "I'm in the Military Police."
"Don't remind me, it's one of your least likeable traits," he said, speaking to her as if this was all still a joke.
"Levi, don't talk to me like that, for one; secondly, I've tried to make them a bit better, but if anything, haven't recent events showed you just how powerless we were as an organization? At our roots, for the most part? And shit, it's not like the tax laws aren't defined to us. How the fuck are we supposed to spite a government that had us rigged to follow along in their corruption?"
"By finding a moral compass and sticking with it, Zoe."
"What, with a government placed magnet on it?"
"You can't blame the government for your shortcomings."
She narrowed her eyes, clenching her shirt in her hands. "Just...What do you mean?"
"I mean, you lack of desire to find a moral code. You realize how many people have been screwed over by the government because one of their limbs acts without control, because you take the corruption to another level? You give them their legitimacy, in a huge way; you guard the king. You're the supposedly the most powerful fighters to come out of training, you collect taxes and manage land organization. It isn't all the government."
he shook his head slow, breathing deep, eyes still on her as she thought up an answer. "I haven't done anything wrong, Levi, I never took advantage of people like that."
"How did you get this townhouse again?"
She crossed her arms over her chest. "Look, I repeatedly covered for the Merchants guild, and with my promotion to Captain, they gave me the townhouse. Or, marked it down to my price point, and barely bothered me for bi-monthly payments."
"So you took advantage of the system."
"My hard work paid off, Levi."
"No, not hard work; what did you cover them for?" Levi said, jaw working.
"I looked away while they carried out their activities, okay? It wasn't that bad, I didn't ask questions."
"You're supposed to use your status and power to help people, and you don't do that. So I don't think your organization is worth a shit, if it can affect you. There's no good to be found in the Military Police."
Zoe drew her hand through her hair, plucking at it in her anger, shaking with annoyance, wanting to throttle him. He was saying that she wasn't a good person, to her face, and she couldn't stomach it. "Not even good with Jay? Since you insist on dismissing my qualities so quickly, why don't we look at him?"
"And how many murder missions has your friend been on? With you, even?"
"None of your business."
"My point is, the Military Police is more of a problem than a solution. And you're apart of the problem, by the way."
"What are you saying?"
"I'm saying you ignore corruption and allow the shit to spread, threatening the already pissed commoners. I've heard what some of the men in your ranks have done, or haven't done. And I thought you could do more, Zoe, see more change when you were the Commander."
She was repulsed by him, then, shoving away from the couch to walk outside of her own white brick townhouse, unwilling to be in his radius; or maybe it was the vine studded townhouse she'd obtained on the back of what he called corruption that was pushing her further away from the warmth of it's walls. So she continued walking, picking up a quick jog, deciding to get her exercise on the way to Jay's. His townhouse, in comparison with hers, was elegant, gorgeous even, gleaming street providing her some comfort. Zoe knew it was rather sad she had one true friend to her name. Even with that, she appreciated Jay to a large degree.
And she'd promised him that she'd visit after the brainwashing incident, though this time was more of a venting moment. Two birds with one stone.
Jay opened the solid door, replacing it as he stood in the frame, looking as gaunt and generally shitty as she was. His cotton pajamas, and ensemble, things that'd done him justice, were hanging off his frame, collarbone standing out along his broad shoulders.
Levi wasn't making her life any easier at the moment, and she was determined to feel better during the week off. She hadn't felt like kissing him to shut him up, after hearing the bullshit that had came from his mouth. Though, it wasn't really bullshit, but the truth. Maybe she'd married the idea of secrecy to the point where she herself was a secret.
"Can I talk to you?"
"It's seven, Commander Roth, I do have to get to bed," Jay said, as he stood away from the door, allowing her in quickly, buttoning up the loose pajama top he had open, ribs more noticeable now.
"I'm sorry. But it is only seven? Are you an old man?"
"Just a bit," Jay said, walking through the foyer, rug beneath his feet resplendent as usual, and she'd searched everywhere for something like it, and all of them had been astronomically expensive. "I've got a fire going down on this level. Since I'm an old man, the chill gets to my bones fast."
She smiled, anger momentarily dispelled, reminded again why Jay was her only close friend. Where would she be without his dry humour?
His looks had given him something of a step up, accepted into the male groups readily enough, though he'd made no effort to climb ranks or make friends with them; still didn't try when he was in the group. At first, she'd been spiteful, disliked his talking during meetings. He'd made so many comments under his breath in the beginning, and she'd never been close enough to hear them till she tried to make a connection with the man, find a way to replicate his easy success.
He was talented, but he had no ambition. She was sure he'd coasted his way through training, finding the number 1 spot easy to achieve. She'd even asked him, within the first week of their friendship, if her idea was correct, and he'd nodded. Zoe couldn't help the surge of competitiveness, coupled by a desire to show womanly restraint, like her mother had taught her.
She sat, disregarding her past memories, as if she needed another reminder of how bitter she could be. "How many...how many people were we sent out to kill?"
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, how many missions, at least?"
Jay closed his eyes, thinking in the little way he had. "Twenty seven, maybe more, I'm not sure. Why?"
"Levi just told me I'm apart of the problem. So.."
"What problem?"
"The Military Police and it's corruption. He told me I wasn't a good person, Jay. "
"I'm not a good person," JAy said, eyes on the fire, voice bland.
Zoe looked down at her hands, drawing her legs up under her. "so 27 missions, you think?" she inquired, hoping to pull the conversation back to her justification of being a good person. "I thought it was 30, really, but we didn't always kill everyone, just the people who we were told to kill, beforehand. So all we did was turn some of them in, and I mean," Zoe trailed off, lifting her nails to her mouth, chewing at her pinky.
The damning evidence was that she said some, not all. Levi fought to protect humanity, and she only protected some. And she'd been splashing around in blood with Jay at her side more than once.
"What's wrong with you?" Jay asked this slowly, picking over words, brown eyes soft with something like sympathy, rather than the aggression the question would have conveyed.
"What do you mean?"
"Why don't you want to admit to him, like you have me, that you're not...you're not a squeaky clean person?"
"Squeaky-clean?"
"I just don't think there is such a thing as good and bad people," Jay murmured, eyes half lidded, lulled by the fire, same as she.
"Really?"
"I've never met a good person. Or, good as we define good, nowadays. You're human, and so am I. Some of our flaws are more damning than others, but you can always make an effort to right your wrongs."
Her anger drained away, sighing soft, looking up at the ceiling, "I don't know what's wrong anymore. Or right. Or moral. Or human, really. I am, but some of us..."
"Some of us have already given it up."
"What?"
"Our humanity, for the sake of humanity. Isn't that funny?" Jay's smile was wide, eyes devoid of any real amusement, glassed over. "What are we going to do if we win against those monsters? Go back to being human?" Jay shook his head, laughing along with his next words, "That's not possible for me, and I'm going to be one of the only monsters left, and then what?"
"I don't know."
"So tell him all that, then, have something solid and real."
She seized up, eyes flickering across her hands, tracking the lines in her palms. Zoe stood, knowing it was rather abrupt, thanking Jay with a silly bow, born of a need to get back. Even the words 'thank you' were fumbled as she darted out his front door, sprinting back towards her home. Mostly to Levi, to admit her flaws, and tell him-
He was sitting on her doorstep, hidden in the darkness mostly, cropped hair long enough to obscure most of his face as he stared at his feet. It always amazed Zoe how still he could be, how nothing seemed to affect him. When he spoke, his tone usually didn't have any inflection, his emotions buried deep, surfacing once or twice when she coaxed them out. She didn't think she could become more proficient at doing that until she admitted her flaws entirely, though he already knew most of them.
Levi looked up as she neared him, out of breath, pushing his hair out of his face, eyes narrowed, taking her in. She stopped in front of him, breathing in the chilly night air with a cough, and Levi stood as soon as the noise left her mouth, something like concern causing this movement. But he didn't pull her closer, only crossed his arms over his chest, making it seem like he wasn't going to give her the slightest apology. Zoe's previous idea of apologizing fell away, used to him saying sorry in his own way, as it was usually his fault. But it was her fault?
Shit. No; she was too wrapped up in herself and her own silly problem to take in the fact he had his full military uniform on. It wasn't a personal affront, he just had to go somewhere.
"I've been called down to the Central Government offices. Might be there all night," Levi said, sentences cropped, avoiding eye contact.
Zoe reached for his cravat, used to fixing it slightly in those mornings where he had to leave; couldn't stay for days, days she waited months for. And she thought of such silly phrases like that, wading through the tension to do something mildly kind, deciding not to speak to him till she had time to admit her truth, end the argument, because he wasn't going to say sorry. He wasn't in the wrong, and Levi didn't know when to stop, in many ways. In fact, he seemed to be ignoring the problem for once.
He brushed her hand away from his cravat as soon as she finished fixing it, focus on his shoes as he spoke, "Make sure you have the fire on, or something. it's going to rain."
"How do you know?" her question was quiet.
"My knee. That's how old I am," his joke was too dry, awkward as he walked away from her, leaving her on the stoop of her townhouse.
Zoe waited for him to turn around, but he didn't, disappearing from view, Scout Regiment insignia glossy on his back for a moment under the street lights. After a good minute, she turned, walking back into her house, sighing as the warmth greeted her again, shuffling up to her bedroom. Even if he hadn't decided to stomp off to business, she would've been too tired to attempt an apology, crashing onto her bed, pouting into the pillow. When she couldn't get comfortable, she scuffled about under her sheets, lying stretched across the bed.
She was dominating the spot Levi had taken to sleeping on, if he ever slept, and with that curse, he was hardly beside her the entire night; just there while she slept, and once or twice a week when she woke up. More often, she found him sitting away in the padded chair she kept in her room, by the book shelves, fire reduced to embers. Documents were set on his lap, words circled here and there, the blue tinted ink given meaning by a mark in the corner 'ask Zoe'.
Ask Zoe. She'd had to coax him into asking her in general, when he'd admitted he wasn't as proficient with vocabulary as she was. So she'd tell him, teaching him something for once.
Zoe shoved her face further into her pillow, inviting sleep to come as fast as it could, knowing her anxiety would spike if she allowed herself to over think. Like, what if she wasn't good enough for him? And hadn't Kenny said she was a fun distraction to Levi? That she'd be quickly dropped as soon as he got bored. And her disagreeing with him, on one of the most touchiest subjects between them, wasn't going to help. But when did she care whether he dropped her or not? When she'd said the L word, maybe, like the idiot she was. Love was a word she feared, because, though she loved her brother, that hadn't seemed to save him.
Love was a vaulted word, with such exaggerated meaning that she didn't understand, and when she'd finally put it into use after so many years, it'd felt hollow. But still, she really did love him, the real Levi, not the superhuman used for military recruitment, the one who was the singular hope of humanity. Though, he seemed to have brushed his own humanity to the side, for the most part.
She didn't want to admit she'd done the same thing, had taken her disregard for morality to the next level, in many situations. Zoe might as well have been apart of the anti-human squad for her entire career. Her missions, assassinations almost all of them, had stained her. Even now, she wondered how many of those people might've been innocent. At least some of her missions had been for real criminals; they'd been the ones to put up a decent fight.
Zoe made a concentrated effort to sleep then, sitting up quickly, snatching a vial from the bedside table, lifting it to her lips. The blue tinted liquid tasted like mint; something Sjeh added when Zoe had almost coughed up a lung after taking her first sip. Now, she swallowed easily, sitting back in the empty bed, hardly recalling anything after ten or so minutes. But everything was better when she passed out, because she didn't have to deal with the world, could try and make her own.
And she woke up in the dull real world every time. The real world, where she was in a fight with Levi, and it was raining out, and everyone she wanted to see was dead. Still, she had to be near the door, ready to catch him as soon as he walked in the door, determined to tell him that, in fact, she did understand where he was coming from, that her efforts to be the good woman her mother had taught her weren't working.
As soon as she caught sight of him through a window, half a block away, jacket up around his ears in an effort to keep himself from getting too wet, especially as the rain clicked into gear. She ran downstairs, opening the door, wearing a slight white tee and black shorts, hardly anything comparable to his uniform. Not to mention it was also raining, but she had to get to him.
"Listen to me, before you come in," Zoe rushed out, leaving the door a tad open, vulnerable to the rain now. Levi always had the 'wet cat' vibe when he dealt with rain, glaring at the droplets like he could scare them away. "Even when I was second in command, I didn't have any say; in fact, I was in a pool of 10 other people, me included; and then the brief stint as a Commander was shit somewhat because of those male motherfuckers who laughed behind my back every time I gave them an order, my gender being the reason. So I'm sorry I can't live up to your expectations, or my own. I'm sorry you hate the Military Police so much, but I understand."
"Do you? The organization you led for several months, can you really explain why things didn't change?"
"I can't. All I can say is that I was too afraid of what that might do for my career. I'd achieved so much, and I couldn't let it go, if I pushed harder for reforms."
Levi tipped his head to the side, before he rolled his head back, looking up at the dark sky, rain falling onto his pale skin, made a bit paler by the chill in the air. "You know it's raining, right?"
"Yes."
"And that you could've talked to me inside?"
"Of course, Levi, I just had to talk to you, and the rain-I didn't know it was coming down this hard," she said, tucking her chin to her chest, wrapping the cotton jacket over her shoulders, holding herself a bit tighter, because she didn't see him doing so at the moment.
"Moron. You're going to catch something."
"Did you hear me?" She asked pointedly, annoyed with his constant dodging.
He gave a soft sigh, eyebrows lifting, with the slightest shrug, "I forgive you, you know? I-"
Zoe cut across his words, rushing out, "I'm not a good person, and I think you should know that. I used to be, I think, I used to be a kind person, I used to try and fix the bad, fortify the good things that happened within the ranks. You called me kind once, that a kind girl wasn't something you'd go for. And I'm not anymore, and it hurts, because I think I've hurt people. I kept thinking I was a good person, that what I was doing was irrelevant if I was that good of a person, if I regretted it, everything would turn out fine. So it didn't matter if it cowardice or greed, I always thought me being a good person would excuse it, and that's silly. And the people I killed, I stopped feeling guilty after the 25th mission, but I convinced myself that I was. I can do that, you know, convince myself that I deserve..." she felt her eyes begin to water, and she looked up at his, the rain wiping away her tears, trembling mouth hidden behind a quickly placed hand, removing it quickly to bite out her next words, "...anyhow, I get it, you're better than me."
"You know that's bullshit, yea?" Levi asked, wet hair plastered over his face. "I've done worse things than you have, over and over, with no stain on my consciousness. The difference is, I don't try to be...human, and sympathetic, holding lives close that were as easily erased as the others. So, I try, mostly, to not keep many close, and I can protect them as best as I know how. But now, I'm protecting more people, and it's...different. You're nice, but people have to earn the privilege of your kindness now; you've just changed, Zoe. I used to think everything you did was rather...perfect, and made you someone I didn't think I deserved, something I only dreamed about-"
"You dreamed about me?" she asked, laugh catching specks of water, reaching for his cravat, pleats softened by the rain, and she tried to rearrange it again.
His heartbeat was strong, body providing a bit more warmth once she was closer. "tch, Hardly. Don't let that ruin my point, you're smiling now, listen to my apology."
"Okay," she said with a nod, tears forgotten, wondering if he'd done that on purpose.
"You've never judged me, never lectured me for my underground past, and no one else...no one else overlooked that. That was all they knew, and so I was a sewer rat, to a bunch of young guys, who couldn't handle 3D maneuvers for shit, and still laughed at me. I didn't see you laugh at me once, never heard you talking about me like that. So I shouldn't have put all the blame on you, made assumptions about your position. I'm sorry, for that mistake. I can't judge someone who's never judged me, especially when my past is something far murkier than your career in the Military."
"It's a mistake, then. We're humans. Or maybe less than human, now, Jay told me, and after we rid ourselves of those monsters, humanity will get tired of us, because we're not useful anymore."
"When have I ever been human in the way normal people want?" he asked.
"You've always been superhuman."
"Even to you?"
"Not anymore."
Levi released a breath, nodding slow. "Good."
"What will happen if we make the walls relics? When it's only in history, and you don't see any Titans?"
"I'll still hate the Military Police."
She laughed, "me too."
"I'll still make sure Erwin doesn't eat any of four-eyes' cooking at various reunions parties Hanji might throw."
"What's left after that?"
He looked at her, pushing his hair away from his face. She was in the rain too, soaked already; and it was such a cliche situation, rain tracking smoothly down her bared arms. Goosebumps pebbled her skin, as she waited for him to take her as she was, as maybe love wasn't enough, now.
"You, Zoe. If you're still with me," Levi said, arm around her, pulling her closer.
She rested her hands flat on his chest, wondering how his heartbeat was so strong, if that was why her knees were so weak. "I'm with you."
"Even in the pouring rain, standing like two morons, with the goddamn dry house behind us."
"Of course."
"...thank you for being patient, Zoe. How do you do it?"
She shrugged, "not sure, I just…don't need to think about it, you saved my life a couple times."
"You've made up for that, you could just leave now."
"But I'm not going to."
He had her pressed up against him, chill of the rain gone, kissing her hard, before tugging her into a hug, allowing her arms around him, bundling them back into her dry house, stepping away from her, starting up the stairs, with the quick steps he normally had, issues behind the both of them, though he stopped rather suddenly to look at her, bent over the bannister. "I don't know when to stop, do I? When it comes to you."
"If only you were smart, Levi."
A smirk crawled across his face, and he beckoned to her, murmuring soft, "smart enough to get you out of your clothes."
She laughed at that, because the sentence had no point but to slyly introduce sex into the equation, though he did have her jacket and shirt off in record time, surprisingly warm hands slipping around her waist. "You really can't stop, can you?"
But she couldn't stop either.
Daylight, I wake up feeling like you won't play right
I usually know but now, that shit don't feel right
It made me put away my pride