This one is all me being sad

Pairing Order: RusAme

Rating: T+

Prompt: Soulmate AU, words written on wrists.

WARNING: Contains major character death, self-harm etc. Please do not read if these upset you.

"Congratulations!" people cheered and clapped, crowding the giddy and happy couple in the lunch room as they celebrated. Roderich fumbled with embarrassment as Elizabeta clung to him, the two of them crying now that they had found their match. Alfred scowled into his sandwich and took a large bite, glancing nervously to his best friend of 12 years sitting next to him. Ivan's cherub face blemished only by a few zits was absolutely dreamy, his eyes soft and far away as he watched the other teens rejoice.

"Looks like someone else got theirs before us, huh?" Ivan sighed softly, resting his cheek in one hand as Alfred's heart started to quicken, the thumping loud in his ears as he just watched Ivan. He took in every minute detail, from the subtle definition in his neck that sloped down to his collarbone, to the way his overgrown hair curled just slightly at the ends, to the way his nose wrinkled up in displeasure when he still hadn't found his soulmate. Alfred coughed.

"What's it matter? I-I mean, we have all our lives to find our mates so it's not like there's a rush or something," he huffed, pushing his glasses up his nose again when Ivan chuckled at his expense. They ate in silence for a little while longer, or rather, Alfred ate silently while Ivan continued watching the joyous occasion.

"I think it'd be nice to have my mate sooner than later," Ivan hummed and shrugged slightly, looking down at his partially-chewed up nails, trying to be as nonchalant and casual about the awkward conversation. "Wouldn't it be nice to find the person while you're still young enough to do things and not worry about children right off the bat?"

"Well, yeah, but…" Alfred grumbled, shrugging noncommittally at his friend before putting his food down. Everything tasted like ash and he couldn't help but feel nauseous, trembling and fidgeting as Ivan didn't even look at him… Swallowing his anxieties, Alfred reached over, tugging on Ivan's long sleeve to get his friend's attention. As expected, Ivan perked and glanced back at him, eyes widened slightly from surprise. "Can I talk to you? Privately?"

His best friend glanced at the rest of their lunch table, no one even noticing as the two boys stood up and wandered away from them, Alfred pulling Ivan by the sleeve to the hallways connecting the cafeteria to everywhere else. "What's wrong?" Ivan asked with a frown when they were alone, save for a few girls marching towards the bathroom further down the hall. Alfred gulped and squeezed Ivan's sleeve, rubbing his fingers over the cloth. before lifting it up slowly, revealing the lines of text inscribed on his best friend's wrist.

"'He wasn't good for you anyway'," Alfred read them aloud in a quiet voice, Ivan having no qualms with his friend checking the words they had shown each other countless times before in the past. With a soft sigh Alfred released the sleeve, letting the fabric slip down to cover up the mark again. Ivan let out a little snort of confused laughter, frowning at his peculiar friend as Alfred hugged himself self-consciously.

"The words never change, you know that," Ivan pointed out the obvious, making Alfred wince back as the only somewhat-smaller teen fidgeted and looked almost ready to puke from anxiety. Ivan reached out and placed his hands on Alfred's shoulders, giving him a steadying squeeze. "Al, what's going on? Are you feeling okay?"

"Ivan, I-" he started and then got choked up again, hands clenching into fists as he prepared himself, shutting his eyes tightly as he let his confession tumble out of his mouth. "I don't care what our words say anymore! I- I don't care about what they mean or who will say them and when, b-because- because I like you, Ivan! I… I know we aren't the match made in heaven b-but, I really think we could be something great and I- I wanted to ask you if you'd please go out with me?"

The startled look Ivan gave him in response made Alfred tear up. How could he have been so stupid!? Confessing to his best friend?! O-oh no, what if he had made an unfixable mistake and Ivan would never want to see him again? Would Ivan even want to be his friend after hearing about his crush?

When Ivan didn't respond for over a minute, Alfred yanked himself out of his grip and turned around, shoulders hunched and head bowed low in defeat. "I-I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said anything-"

"Yes."

Alfred froze, slowly lifting his head up to look at his best friend, turning over his shoulder to him. "Y-yes? Yes- what?" he couldn't believe his ears. His brain was lying to him, there simply was no other explanation for what he wasn't exactly processing, it couldn't possibly be-

"Yes," Ivan repeated himself softly, hands fumbling in the worn fabric of his scarf as he smiled shyly at Alfred, taking a step closer to his friend as Alfred's chest seized up with hope. "I said yes… I'd love to go out with you. I-if we don't try, I mean… How will we ever know?"

The tears started flowing down Alfred's cheeks as he jumped up on Ivan, clinging to him like a koala as he tackled his friend to the ground. "Yes! You said yes!" he nearly shrieked with bliss, so unbelievably happy he could hardly speak, nustled on top of Ivan as the two laughed and rejoiced in their secret affair against destiny.

[-]

While the looks and the complete social isolation were a little concerning, Ivan and Alfred honestly couldn't have been happier together. They clung to each other like magnets, constantly holding hands and nuzzling up when they thought they were alone, stealing kisses in the hallway when no one else was watching. Eventually people stopped caring about their rebellious relationship, some people even apologized and asked to be friends with them again!

"Can you believe it's already been two years?" Alfred mumbled into Ivan's neck one night as they lay together in bed, and Ivan's hands gripped the back of Alfred's shirt tightly, the other teen rubbing the top of his head against Alfred's. Their noses bumped and rubbed, their secret little eskimo kisses that made their toes curl with giddy excitement.

"Hardly! It feels like it's been forever and then some," Ivan smiled softly, and then tugged his fingers through Alfred's hair, combing it and yanking through knots. Alfred grinned cheekily at him, and then rolled onto his back, plucking up his glasses from the bedside table as Ivan sat up with a confused expression.

"I have one more present for you," he admitted, swinging his legs around and reaching for his backpack, dragging the black bag over so he could rifle through it. Ivan wrapped his arms snuggly around Alfred's tummy, resting his chin on his shoulder.

"Another one? Fredka, you spoil me," he teased, giving his lover and best friend a little squeeze. Alfred only laughed and then pulled out a roll of money and a crumpled flier, holding them up to the dim lamp for Ivan to see.

"I've been saving up scraps from my job for a few months now, and I finally have enough for both of us!" he grinned, Ivan accepting the money with a dumbfounded expression before counting it, tallying over two hundred dollars. "That, and the parlor downtown is having a special deal, if you bring in a friend you get ten percent off. So, as a birthday present for turning 18, I thought maybe we can both go down there…"

"And get tattoos?" Ivan gasped, blinking slowly as he processed the information, feeling so warm and fuzzy and absolutely ecstatic. Alfred nodded and then tilted his head back, catching Ivan's lips with his before he nibbled on the bottom one, Ivan gladly receiving the love bite.

"Yup! I've thought long and hard and… I think it'd be cool if we, well… if we marked over our soulmates' words," Alfred explained bluntly, shrugging off the bizarre concept with a grin. Ivan smirked at him, and then took on a mocking tone, imitating their parents.

"Oh, but Alfred! It is so naughty of you to go against the fates!" he snickered, Alfred chortling at the obviously over the top accent and scolding tone. Ivan set the money down on his table before kissing Alfred again, pushing him down to the sheets. "What ever are you going to do if that lover boy of yours says yes?!"

"Well, that's easy!" Alfred played along, fluttering his eyelashes jokingly as he gripped Ivan's hair and pulled him in close, whispering into his ear as Ivan gently started to grind down on him. "I'll take 'im downtown and exchange our wedding vows!"

[-]

"You boys… are absolutely sure about this?" the tattoo artist asked for the hundredth time, holding up the intimidating tool with a frown as Ivan and Alfred glanced at each other, their arms outstretched and sleeves rolled up. He wasn't good for you anyway, Have another drink!, stared up at them, but they didn't care in the least, relaxed and comfortable in the reclining chairs.

"Yup! Do it quick, I gotta be home by ten," Alfred chuckled, Ivan giving him a slow blink of affection as the artist shrugged and started on his work. Alfred sucked in a strained breath, gripping Ivan's hand tightly as his words were marked over.

"It's happening," Ivan breathed wondrously, his voice soft and curious and unbelievably happy, his chest aflutter with renewed passion and love. Alfred chuckled slightly for him, rolling his head back into the cushion as the needle jammed into him over and over again, staining his skin with ink and marking over the words he never ever wanted to hear. "We're finally going to match…"

"It'll be like we're real mates," Alfred whispered back, the words like a siren song that pulled Ivan deeper and deeper in love with him. Ivan nodded happily, eyes brimming with tears of a joy that never stopped swelling in his chest.

"We got to choose our own fate," Ivan continued where Alfred left off, fingers toying with his when the tattoo artist finally finished with Alfred, dabbing at the mark and covering it with a bandage as he cleaned up and prepared to do Ivan's. "Our own destiny."

"And I've never been happier," Alfred smiled, cupping Ivan's face in his hand before dabbing away his tears, being gentle with the love of his life. Ivan's shy smile stretched a little wider as the needle punctured him as well, his words marked over and forgotten as a new life was opened to him. "I hope we last forever, Vanya."

[-]

"Congrats on an awesome senior season!" the boys hooted and hollered, raising their red plastic cups with shouts and laughter. Alfred grinned cheekily, chugging a few gulps as the party really got rolling, people dancing and grinding to the beat of the loud music, everyone at least a little bit tipsy.

"You were so awesome out on the field," girls thronged around Alfred, giggling and praising the star player as other boys pointed and laughed, refilling Alfred's bottomless cup. The atmosphere was heady and packed, but even with all of the distractions, Alfred heard his phone buzz.

Don't stay out too late, I miss you, Ivan had texted him, even going so far as to add a ":^(" emote, which of course was the cutest thing Alfred's drunk mind had ever seen. He chuckled and chugged the rest of his cup, not paying attention when it was filled again.

Illbbe back lster, he struggled to type, the letters on his keyboard swimming in his vision as he carefully tried to hit each one. He frowned when someone pulled his phone away, instead thrusting another mug into his hands.

"Don't be on your phone, dude!"

"Yeah!"

"Have another drink!"

Alfred frowned and blinked a few times, lifting up his glasses and scrubbing at his bleary eyes as teenagers crowded him, shoving alcohol into his hands. Who had said that? What was going on? Why was everything hurting his head? "I-I gotta go home, guys," he slurred, picking up his coat and fumbling for his phone, the thronging group of rowdy teenagers booing him. He tripped and stumbled into someone's arms, having to push himself away from them when they tried to kiss him.

Eventually he got to the door, heart hammering in his chest as panic overcame him. His fate-destined mate was in there. There was just no way, no way at all…

He had to escape. He had to get out of there!

He stumbled down the porch steps, tripping and landing hard on his hands and knees, getting scrapes that felt like broken bones in his desperate retreat. He scrambled to his feet and staggered a few steps to one side, the music throbbing and pulsating in his head as he moved to the street, rushing onto the pavement before a bright light blinded him suddenly.

As he lifted his arm to shield himself from fate, he thought of Ivan, thought of the words they had exchanged, of the tender love and passionate love and eternal love they had shared.

[-]

The funeral passed in a blur of depression and anger, Ivan awash with so many conflicting emotions he had shut down completely, apathetic to every and all stimulation. His feet dragged behind him to the point he couldn't walk anywhere without stumbling, the whole world intent on tripping him and sending him spiraling into the blackness of despair that threatened to devour him with each passing second.

He had been put on watch ever since he had taken the first knife to his skin, splicing it and letting the ruby red blood swirl into the all-consuming black that lingered in the peripherals of his mind. Through some mockery of fate he managed to go to school for most of the rest of the semester, and within weeks he would graduate with honors-rankings.

He would graduate.

But Alfred would never get to sit through another chemistry lesson, never get to solve a correct math problem on the board, never get to receive his diploma and make something of his life. Alfred would never sit with him at lunch or steal kisses in the hall, let his eyes linger up and down Ivan's body, never curl up against him in post-coital bliss to fantasize about the future awaiting them…

"Here to pick up your yearbook?" the teen asked kindly, pen at the ready to cross out his name on the pick up list as Ivan passed over his ID card. His sleeve rode up slightly, revealing the scars carved everywhere except over the words he and Alfred had exchanged. The student behind the desk retrieved his book and passed it over, Ivan clutching it to his chest before retreating to his table he and Alfred occupied since it always had the right amount of sun and shade.

He slumped onto his bench, staring at the table as he set his book down and started to slowly flip through it, skimming over the articles the yearbook team had put together. He traced his fingers over the pages, bored by their normalness because Alfred could never read such normal things and enjoy such normal events again…

His fingers trembled as he turned page after page, soon chunks of pages, chapters, jumping to the glossed pages of senior portraits. He sped through the letters, faces blurring past him as he rushed, racing towards-

Alfred Franklin Jones, written in a fancy font to match everyone around him. His suit fit him perfectly, matched with the starry tie Ivan had given him for Junior Prom. His hair shone in the photo, his eyes bright and brimming with excitement and such unquenchable spirit that Ivan couldn't help but smile lovingly at his lover.

He flinched when his tears landed on the pages of his year book, almost hitting Alfred's precious face… splattering slightly upon Alfred's senior quote.

Love Always Wins.

"Fredka," Ivan murmured, catching tears and wiping them quickly as his chest became entirely too tight, suffocating him as he let out breath after breath shakily and hesitantly. Everything hurt, and it felt like his heart had fallen out of his chest and he could do nothing to put it back in its place.

He gently rolled his sleeve up, his criss-crossing and numerous scars framing the untouched words to match Alfred's quote.

"'Love Always Wins'," Ivan read aloud, sniffling and struggling to contain his overwhelming sadness. He slumped forward, forehead pressing to his book, to Alfred's printed photograph… "You left me too soon, Fredka… I don't know what I'm supposed to do without you… We were supposed to last for eternity and now that my tomorrows don't have you in them, I..."

"He wasn't good for you, anyway," a voice spoke behind him, and the tears felt like they had frozen on his face. Everything came to halt before catapulting forward at a breakneck speed, Ivan lurching out of his seat, grabbing his book and holding his precious love close.

He couldn't stop himself from looking up, from seeing everything that wasn't Alfred. Long hair, curves, it was all so wrong, so horribly, horribly wrong, he couldn't stop himself, he couldn't stop, didn't ever want to stop…

He ran and ran, he ran until he felt like his feet were going to fall off, and he collapsed on the side of the road, falling to his knees as he broke down. His heart had already been shattered, so what would it even matter if the rest of him broke as well?

He got to his feet, keeping Alfred close to his chest where he was safe, totally safe, wandering into a convenience store with an apathetic, soulless walk, glancing over the cosmetics selection.

When he got home, he told his family he was going to bathe and then go to sleep.

They didn't question him more than a few strained and worried glances.

He sat in the bathtub, pulling out the razor from the bag and staring at his body as he started to gently dig it into his skin. He dragged it through his flesh, and he found it didn't hurt as much as he thought it would. That, or he had truly become so numb that no earthly pain could match the pain and agony of losing Alfred.

He didn't stop, not until the blade slipped from from his fingers into the ruby red and love-stained water, his eyes closing one final time as he floated away to the void, to Alfred…

After all,

Love Always Wins.

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