The first time that Dean and Castiel shared a bed, Dean was nervous in more ways than one. Nearly every night that he had slept alone in his bed, he was subjected to the same dream over and over again. The nurse would enter his bedroom, check something on his body and leave again without a single word, the room still echoing with the beeping noise from hell. He was beginning to think that he was going insane until he would meet up with Castiel later in the day and everything would seem perfectly fine. Since he was no longer seeing her while he was awake he really didn't complain too much about it, but now he was afraid of having the dream with Castiel right there in bed with him. Afraid of waking him up in the middle of the night screaming for some phantom nurse to leave him alone. But it was a risk he was willing to take for their first official night spent together.
They hadn't planned for it to be anything more than simply sharing a bed, but that didn't mean jack squat when they actually slid under the covers together and Dean was determined to be prepared for anything even if nothing happened. There was no way of knowing what Castiel expected and while he was quite content to just lay with him, he had no idea how frisky he would end up getting. Kissing him had gone over far better than Dean could have hoped for, but now he was like a damn kissing maniac and whenever Dean even remotely hinted at it, Castiel would practically throw himself on him and not let go until he literally couldn't breath. Dean loved every second of it. Still, they had agreed on sharing a bed so Dean wasn't about to push him in one way or another beyond that unless he made it clearly known there was something more to be had.
The entire situation had been brought about as a joke to being with. Dean was teasing Castiel about living in his house more often than his own and demanded that if he was going to sleep there, he might as well sleep in a bed. Castiel had agreed after a silent moment of contemplation, stating that he wouldn't mind sharing a bed with Dean and now the mechanic was rushing around the house making sure there were clean sheets and pillowcases on the bed in anticipation for the whole ordeal. Not to mention a bedside table filled with precautionary intimate supplies. It wasn't like he didn't have them in his medicine cabinet in the first place, he just moved them closer to the bed just in case. Maybe he was over thinking things, but he couldn't help wanting to be safe. Castiel wouldn't even be there until well after midnight once he'd finished his shift so Dean would probably already be asleep when he slipped in. If he did at all. Maybe he would come in and lose the nerve to slide into bed with him. If Dean woke up alone in bed, he wouldn't hold it against him, even if it would sting his pride a bit.
Dean had eaten dinner and showered like usual, turning in around eleven and curled up under the blankets on what he had now deemed his side of the bed. Normally he would just sprawl out wherever, but now that he had a partner to share with, he was going to have to pick a side and commit to sticking to it. He had been certain that he would fall asleep before Castiel even made it home, but he found himself laying there wide awake, watching the shadows of the tree outside his window stretch across the ceiling. Part of him suddenly wanted to cut the tree down to illuminate all possible creepy things to fuel new nightmares once he did pass out. When he heard the bedroom door creek open, he sat upright in the bed quickly, fearful that it was the nurse coming back to maybe harvest an organ this time. But it was just Castiel. The dark haired man stared at him in awe for a second, waving lightly and Dean sighed in relief. He was still awake and Castiel was there, no nurses, no beeping, just Castiel.
"Dean," Castiel whispered harshly, inching over to the empty side of the bed and kicked off his shoes. "You were supposed to be sleeping."
"I was tryin'," he grumped, flopping back onto his pillow, watching Castiel closely as he slowly stripped out of his jeans and over-shirt, probably enjoying it far more than he should. "I laid down at eleven, what time is it?"
"One," Castiel sighed, climbing into bedside him and snuggled down under the blankets. Dean thought that he might stay on his own side of the bed, but after he was well tucked under the blankets, he scooted closer, pushing his cold feet between Dean's legs and he tried not to hiss at the sudden chill. "I got out late. We had a woman come in with a finger missing..."
"Missing? How do fingers go missing?" Dean griped, shivering a bit at the frosty toes that were currently trying to steal his heat.
"Well it was missing from her hand. She brought it in on ice." Dean gave him a half crazed look and Castiel just chuckled, snuggling closer to him so that they only had a few inches of space between their bodies. "It was a kitchen knife incident. We reattached it and she should be fine."
"That sounds fucking horrible. Now I know not to be careless with kitchen knives."
"You should never be careless with anything, Dean. I like your fingers attached. As well as everything else."
"Everything else?"
He waggled his eyebrows a bit and Castiel snorted, closing the space between them so that he could lay his head on Dean's shoulder. They laid there for a long time in silence, Castiel's feet slowly warming up against his legs. Dean's fingers kept twitching every now and again, fighting with himself over whether or not to put his arm around Castiel's shoulder or not. He was afraid of initiating any kind of contact and Castiel feeling like he was trying to get in his pants or something. After a long while of almost lifting his arm and laying it right back between them, he decided to just stay still and forget the whole thing. There was no telling how they would wake up, or if Castiel would even stay close to him once he'd warmed up.
"Dean?" Castiel asked quietly, Dean humming in response as he laid there staring up at the ceiling. "Is this making you uncomfortable? I can go to the couch-"
"No," Dean insisted immediately, uncomfortable was the last thing he was feeling. Awkward maybe at his own idiocy, but not uncomfortable in the slightest. "No, I just don't know what to do with my arm..."
Castiel sat up slowly, reaching down to grab Dean by the wrist and carefully guided it to where it was laying out to his side, snuggling back against his side so that his arm was now resting under Castiel. He smirked lightly, curling his arm around his shoulder and held him against his body tightly. It felt more natural than he thought it should, but it made him happy none the less, his fingers tracing invisible patterns on the sleeve of Castiel's undershirt. He wasn't sure how long he laid there, still staring up at the ceiling waiting for sleep to claim him, but apparently it was quite a while, the shadows in the room moving across the ceiling as the light from the moon shifted. When he glanced down to see if Castiel was sleeping, he met a bright pair of blue eyes staring up at him, all wide-eyed and no where near asleep.
"Cas, why are you still awake? You worked all day, go to sleep...," he grumbled, sighing a bit.
"You should be sleeping as well Dean, but you're not. Am I distracting you?"
"You always distract me, Cas," he said with a smirk. "In the best of ways. But I just can't fall asleep. I couldn't fall asleep before you got here, I dunno. I haven't been sleeping right lately."
"More nightmares?" Dean nodded lightly, turning a bit in the bed so that they were laying face to face, pulling his arm back a bit so that Castiel was resting in the crook of his elbow instead of on his shoulder. He seemed concerned about the dreams, even though Dean had never explained to him what they were about. The last thing he wanted was for Castiel to think that he was going crazy. "What will help you sleep?"
"You. I sleep better when you're here."
Dean ducked his head down so that his head was tucked under Castiel's chin, nuzzling against his neck. Despite just leaving work, he smelled of soap and something else that was distinctly Castiel, a fresh rain sort of scent that Dean often smelled when they were close. He hoped that it wouldn't be too weird for him, laying as still as he possibly could so that he wasn't jostling him to much. Castiel draped his arm around him, resting over his side so that his hand was pressed against the small of his back, infinitely warmer than his feet had been. It was comforting in a way he didn't know he needed, his fingers rubbing small circles into his skin and it was soothing enough that his eyes finally started to droop closed. For the first time in weeks, he fell asleep without the fear of nurses sneaking into his room to stab him with needles.
When Dean opened his eyes again he was facing his dresser, blinking blearily at the bright light that was filtering into the room and instantly tried to roll so that he could bury his face into his pillow and fall back asleep, but there was a strong arm wrapped around his chest, holding him in place. He grinned brightly, reaching down under the blankets to run his hand down Castiel's arm lightly, feeling him twitch a bit in his sleep. Normally he was a light sleeper, waking up at the smallest movement or sound, but his breathing was still deep and even against his back, small puffs of breath hitting the back of his neck and Dean shivered a bit at the feel of it. He'd resolved to just try and stretch a bit before closing his eyes and willing himself to go back to sleep, arching his back away from Castiel's body to try and work out some of the stiffness that had settled into his joints.
His body stopped abruptly when he inadvertently pressed his ass into Castiel's crotch and it took him a moment to remind himself that it was a natural bodily response in the early morning to have a hard on and that Castiel wasn't coming on to him. He could hear the dark haired man huff a bit in his sleep, his arm tightening around Dean's chest as if to pull him closer and Dean couldn't stop the evil smirk that graced his lips. Maybe he was pushing his luck a bit, but that didn't deter him from pressing back a little harder against Castiel's body, still trying to get a good idea of exactly what he had to work with. It took everything in him not to just flip himself over forcibly and straddle the poor guy when he made a sound in the back of his throat that Dean swore sounded distinctly like a moan, or at the very least, a hum of satisfaction. Castiel's arm flexed under his hand, fingers digging into his ribs a bit as he pulled Dean closer still, nuzzling his face into the side of his neck.
"Dean," Castiel growled suddenly, his voice still thick with sleep and a little abrasive, almost like a warning and a chill ran down Dean's spine as he continued to press himself against his lap. "Stop it."
Dean couldn't help but pout a bit, shifting his lower body away from Castiel's as much as he could in their current position. Even though he had told him to stop, Castiel was refusing to remove his arm from his chest, keeping them close under the warm blankets. He had half a mind to go right back to grinding his ass against the other man when he felt a soft kiss pressed against his neck, Castiel humming a bit as he moved to a new spot and kissed him again. What was the point in telling him to stop if he was going to start kissing on him like that? It just didn't make sense, but Dean didn't dare move back for fear of making him angry.
"At least let me go to the bathroom before you start teasing me incessantly," Castiel whispered softly, finally removing his arm from around Dean's chest.
"I was just stretching...," Dean muttered, feeling Castiel shift away from him so that he could roll off the other side of the bed.
"Oh, I am sure you were. But stretching does not involve you rubbing against me like a feline in heat," Castiel yawned, moving around the end of the bed and Dean sat up a bit to watch him head toward the adjoined bathroom. Sure enough, he was sporting a pretty solid boner, rubbing at his eyes lightly as he went. He had the most adorable case of bed head Dean was sure he had ever seen and it was a strange contrast to the amazingly sexy tent in his boxers. It should have been illegal for him to be both cute and mouthwatering at the same time. "Or gawking."
Dean refused to pull his eyes away from the bulge in Castiel's boxers, hearing him snort softly before he continued on into the bathroom. He was very tempted to follow along, but thought better of it when he heard the toilet flush and decided to just lay there and wait for him to come back to bed. He did say that he at least wanted to used the bathroom before Dean started teasing him, meaning that he wasn't really all that adverse to the whole "stretching" thing as he let on. Maybe they could have a bit of fun before they forced themselves out of bed for the day. Except, Castiel didn't come back to bed. He poked his head out of the bathroom door, staring at him for a long moment before he spoke.
"Dean, would it be at all possible for me to use your shower?" he asked softly, eyebrows pressed together in concern as if he were asking for a kidney or something else outrageous. Dean just narrowed his eyes at him dangerously, propping himself up on his elbows so that he could see him better.
"Only if I get to join you," he demanded and Castiel's eyes went wide for a second. "Dude I'm just kidding. You can use whatever. It's just a shower."
"Well, I mean, if you wanted-" Castiel stammered, blue eyes flickering toward the floor for a second before he glanced back up at Dean, a faint blush creeping over his cheeks as he continued his choppy sentence. "-I don't see why you couldn't. If you could manage to keep your hands to yourself."
Dean was up out of bed faster than he was sure he'd ever moved before in his life the moment Castiel said he didn't see why Dean couldn't join him, only briefly pausing when he was given the ultimatum of keeping his hands to himself. He was fairly sure he could manage, certain the view would be enough to sate him for the time being and who knew, maybe Castiel would be the one who got a little frisky. There was no way in hell he was going to pass up the opportunity, squeezing into the bathroom with Castiel with enough enthusiasm that it should have been embarrassing. He'd never been ashamed of his body, quickly shucking off his boxers before Castiel had even gotten the chance to remove his undershirt and leaned past the shower curtain to turn on the water. If there was one good thing about Dean's house, it had to be the plumbing. He'd made sure the water pressure was nothing short of perfect before he signed for the damn thing because showers were one thing he could not give on. By the time he'd adjusted the water temperature to where it wasn't going to literally melt their skin off, Castiel had managed to strip himself of all his clothing, standing damn well near the door, his blush now spread down along his neck as he fidgeted nervously.
Dean wanted nothing more than to just stare at him, willing his eyes not to travel downward and forced himself into the shower. If Castiel was a little bit nervous, he didn't want to give him a reason to change his mind. If he had demanded Dean keep his hands to himself, he would gladly obey. In all honesty, he didn't even need a shower, but he was going to take another one without complaint just to be close to Castiel. He'd have plenty of time to scope out the goods while he was washing, when he wouldn't be as observant of Dean ogling him. He'd managed to soak his short hair when he heard the shower curtain ruffle, peeking over his shoulder to see Castiel standing behind him in the shower, nearly pressed against the wall. Dean just smiled softly, turning back toward the front of the shower and continued to wet his hair.
"I'm not going to bite you Cas," he snorted, reaching for the shampoo and squeezing a bit into his palm to at least appear to have reason to be in there with him aside from staring inappropriately. "Unless you ask me to."
"That sounds awful," Castiel demanded. "Why would anyone request to be bitten?"
"Oh my-really Cas?" he chuckled, turning to face him as he lathered the shampoo up in his hair. "It's not like, taking a chunk out of your or something. Just a light bite, it feels good."
"It doesn't seem like it would..."
Dean ducked his head back under the shower head, scrubbing the soap out of his hair quickly. Castiel was watching him curiously, keeping his eyes glued on his face the entire time as if he were afraid of letting them wander anywhere else. Once Dean had his hair free of soap, he leaned out of the water, smirking at Castiel as he shifted nervously in the back of the tub.
"You want me to show you? I promise, no hands," he asked seriously and Castiel's cheeks turned a darker shade of pink. He was sure that he was going to tell him no, but it was easy to see the gears turning in his head, blue eyes narrowing a bit as if he were trying to see if Dean was joking with him or not.
"No hands?" Castiel asked and Dean nodded. "And it won't hurt?"
"Not one bit."
"And if I don't find it pleasing?"
"Then I never do it again? Cas, I'm not going to force you into anything. We don't have to do it, it's no big deal." He moved to turned back toward the shower head, reaching for the body wash when Castiel suddenly reached out to grab him by the shoulder, forcibly turning him back around again. He looked like he was on the verge of tears, eyebrows knotted together as if he was afraid of Dean turning away from him forever. "Cas, babe, really. It's not a big deal."
"No I would like to try it," Castiel insisted, trying to tug him closer. "I never realized that kissing could be so enjoyable until you showed me it could be. I would like to try this as well."
Dean nodded slowly, turning to face Castiel completely and lifted his hands so that he could prop himself up against the back wall of the shower on either side of Castiel's head. Even though he said that he wanted to try it, he still looked unsure. Dean considered just pulling away and refusing to do it, but Castiel was still gripping his shoulder tightly, holding onto him for dear life. Dean moved slowly, dipping his head down a bit to kiss the side of Castiel's neck lightly. The dark haired man flinched a bit, letting out a shaky breath when he realized that it was just a kiss and Dean chuckled a bit, kissing him softly again.
"Relax, Cas," he murmured, fingers itching to reach down and grab him even though he swore that he'd keep his hands to himself. "I would never do anything to hurt you."
He could feel him nod, his chin brushing his hair a bit and Dean quite gently nipped at the side of his neck. Castiel gasped suddenly, inadvertently tilting his head a bit more to the side to give Dean more room to work with. That was how it started, small nips that made Castiel's breath catch in his throat over and over again and suddenly, Dean had a shaky hand threading through his short hair, trying to push him closer. For someone who had seemed petrified by the idea of biting, he was certainly getting into it, Dean daring to bite him a bit harder here and there and it only made Castiel gasp even louder. It was a sound that seemed to have a direct line to his groin, his body responding without his consent and it didn't take long for him to develop a boner to rival Castiel's morning wood.
"D-Dean," Castiel said suddenly, his voice coming out in a bit of a strangled whine and he found himself pulling back a bit to see what it was he wanted. "I think-I think I find biting enjoyable after all."
Dean smiled at him softly, leaning forward to kiss him on the cheek lightly and forced himself to step back away from him before he got carried away. His hands were already shaking a bit, his body trying to win over his mind enough to just grab him and rut against him, touch him in whatever way he possibly could, but Dean had promised no hands.
"See? I told you, it feels good...," Dean sighed happily, making the mistake of letting his eyes wander down Castiel's body. He'd tried not to let his eyes get to carried away for a reason and now that was all shot to hell. Castiel was leaning back against the tile wall, his entire body trembling a bit. It was painfully obvious that the entire thing had gotten him a little worked up, standing at full attention again and Dean swallowed harshly at the sight of him. Rubbing his ass against him in bed had done the man little justice, he physically defined the term "well endowed" to a T and Dean was a tad envious. Sure, his own length was formidable, but Castiel downright put him to shame. He kept telling himself that he'd promised him no hands, he'd committed to it, but now his brain was supplying him with other options that didn't require hands at all and he was having a hard time telling himself no. "You're making this "no hands" rule really hard to follow Cas, just look at you."
Castiel's eyes flickered down to his own body then over at Dean's, his cheeks turning darker by the second and Dean found himself inching closer again. He half expected Castiel to reach out and stop him, to push him away, but he remained still as Dean carefully lowered himself to his knees in the tub, staring up at him intently as he moved his face as close as he could without actually touching him. "Dean-" Castiel panted, his fingers trying to dig into the tiled wall and failing horribly, slipping a bit against the slick surface. "Dean I don't-"
"Don't what, Cas?" he asked seriously, keeping his distance in case he told him he didn't want him to touch him. "Don't want this? I won't do it if you don't want it."
"N-No, I don't know what I-" he stammered, clenching his eyes shut for a moment as if looking at Dean made it more difficult to speak and maybe it did, how the hell would he know? "I don't know-I just want."
Dean nodded even though there was no way that Castiel could see him, leaning farther forward so that he could reach him easily, bracing his hands on the sides of the tub. He'd promised, after all. When he leaned forward, opening his mouth so that he could stick out his tongue and gave Castiel's length a small lick, his blue eyes flew open suddenly, drawing in a sharp breath. While it had obviously startled him, he didn't move much aside from the initial flinch, staring down at Dean with wide eyes as he repeated the small lick again. Castiel let out a soft sigh, nodding his head a bit as if to tell Dean that he thought it was alright. It was a small encouragement, but it was enough to spur Dean on, moving farther and farther up his length so that he could swipe his tongue over the head slowly. It was so painfully obvious that Castiel honestly didn't have any experience with sex. Sure, he no doubt understood how the act worked, but knowing about it and experiencing it were two totally different things. There was already a generous amount of clear fluid beaded on the tip of his dick that Dean gladly swiped away with his tongue, shivering a bit when Castiel groaned rather loudly, the sound echoing back off the tiled walls. He had no idea how this beautiful man had gone his entire life without ever being touched in any way-maybe he had wanted it that way, Dean wasn't sure-but he certainly seemed to be alright with it now.
It was more difficult that he would let on not to grip Castiel by the hips and pull him forward, but he managed to keep his hands on the sides of the tub as he closed his mouth around the head of Castiel's dick and instantly bobbed his head down. He could hear him let out a strangled cry, his body quivering a bit and there were suddenly fingers threading through his hair again. He didn't pull or push Dean in any particular way, fingers trembling as if he were trying to have something to hold onto. When he chanced a glance back up at him, his eyes were closed again, his mouth hanging open slightly as he panted into the already warm air and Dean was momentarily captivated by the sight of it. Castiel had only ever been someone that was reserved and well composed, always neat looking, but now he already looked like a total wreck. The moisture from the shower plastering his dark hair to his forehead, face flushed and his chest heaving. It was enough to make Dean's own body twitch a bit in want.
Castiel had said keep his hands to himself, those words were engrained in his head quite well, so that meant he was free to touch himself at least. As he started into an even rhythm, Dean pulled one hand away from the side of the tub and reached down between his own legs to grip himself, stroking his own length in time with the pace he'd set. Castiel was gasping and moaning without reservation and he figured it was because he'd never been told about volume control during sex, not that Dean would ever dream of telling him to be quiet. He loved the sound of his already deep voice dipping even lower as he moaned out his name into the steamy air and it only served to encourage him to keep going. The fingers in his hair suddenly curled a bit, tugging on his hair and Dean instantly moaned around him. The sound didn't get very far, but apparently it felt good for Castiel because his hips bucked forward a bit.
"Dean-Dean I can't-" Castiel gasped, his words coming out in a rush. It was clear to him what he was trying to say, but that wasn't going to get him to stop. He just continued to bob his head up and down his length, sucking on him gently and Castiel's fingers were tugging on his hair half-heartedly, no doubt trying to get him to stop. "Dean! I don't-it feels too good, Dean. W-wait-"
Whatever else he was going to say cut off abruptly, his hips bucking forward again as he came and Dean just hummed happily at the sudden warmth, his own hips pushing up into his hand as he stroked himself as quickly as he could. He swallowed everything Castiel had to give eagerly, still bobbing his head lightly until his body went rigid, his hand jerking to a stop as he reached his own release on the floor of the tub between Castiel's feet. He finally pulled back off of Castiel's dick, groaning softly as he stroked himself through his orgasm, green eyes flickering up to look at the dark haired man above him.
"Cas-Cas, you alright?" he panted, seeing the way his body was shaking almost uncontrollably. Maybe it had been a bit too much for him all at once. He was sure that he had at least gotten himself off at some point in his life, but looking at him now, Dean wasn't so sure anymore. "Castiel, babe, answer me."
"I don't know," he gasped suddenly, knees shaking a bit and Dean slowly pushed himself back up onto his feet, reaching out for him without actually grabbing him in case he collapsed. It was Castiel that grabbed him first, gripping his forearms so tightly that it almost hurt, but he didn't shrug him off. "I don't know. I don't know, I just, I didn't know-"
It caught him completely off guard to see Castiel's eyes tearing up a bit, hoping that it was just the humidity in the air, but when he clenched his eyes shut and had actual tears trailing down his cheeks, he panicked. "Shit, Cas," he breathed, reaching up to cup his face in his hands, brushing his thumbs over his cheeks gently. Maybe he didn't know as much as Dean gave him credit for and he didn't understand that Dean was going to do what he did. That it was an actual sexual act and now he felt violated. He'd demanded that Dean keep his hands to himself and he should have fucking known better. "Cas, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to force anything on you. I should have told you-I'm sorry-I-"
"Dean, no, no I just didn't know," Castiel rambled, shaking his head as much in Dean's hands as he could. "I didn't know that it could, be like that. I didn't know and I just-I don't deserve it, but thank you."
Dean laughed lightly, the sound a bit strained as he leaned forward and kissed him softly. He had no idea what the hell Castiel had been through to believe that he didn't deserve to be loved, but he was going to make it his soul mission in life to make him see that differently. "I don't know what the hell you're talking about, who's made you feel that way, but Cas," he sighed, butting his forehead again his. "Cas don't ever let me hear you say you don't deserve something. You hear me? You deserve everything. Everything. And I'll gladly give it to you, time and time again as long as you'll let me."
After their whole ordeal in the shower, things with Castiel slowly became more and more strained. Dean was sure that he had done something wrong, thinking that he had pushed him too far after all. He would stay away for longer periods of time with not so much as a single message or phone call. Dean had tried to tell himself that it was just longer hours at the hospital, but there was doubt quickly seeping in. Yet, whenever Castiel was with him, he was exceptionally clingy. He would insist on sleeping in Dean's bed, curled up with him with his arms wrapped around Dean so tightly sometimes that he could hardly breath. Those were the nights he would just lay awake, combing his fingers through Castiel's hair gently, listening to the sound of his steady breathing. He felt like it was the only time he ever got to spend with him anymore and he couldn't bear to waste it sleeping through it.
When morning would come, he'd wake up to an empty bed and it hurt more than he liked to let on. Castiel would leave him a note on his phone telling him that he was called into work or had errands to run, some kind of excuse not to be there and he had half a mind to tell him to stop bothering. He just couldn't bring himself to do it. As much as he didn't want Castiel to fake anything for his sake, he was too selfish to let him go either. And the rare times when they actually did get to be close and Castiel would kiss him, there was always this overwhelming sense of need radiating off of him that Dean just couldn't get enough of. The want was there, he could literally feel it, time was the issue. They were just in a funk at the moment and they could eventually get through it. He had to keep telling himself that or waking up alone in bed after falling asleep with Castiel in his arms was going to break him.
One not so very special night, Dean had come home from work and showered, made dinner for himself and sat down on the couch to eat. Castiel had texted him earlier in the day to say that he wasn't going to be over due to overtime at work. There was apparently an outbreak of severe flu cases and he was working almost nonstop, sleeping at the hospital when he had the time. He honestly tried not to be bitter about it, there was nothing Castiel could do, nothing Dean could do to change it, so there was no sense in getting angry over it. He just ate his dinner in silence, watching crappy television until he couldn't keep his eyes open any longer and decided it was a good time to turn in. Carrying his plate into the kitchen, he dropped it into the sink rather loudly, figuring it wasn't even worth doing the dishes if there was no one else there to see them but him. He'd just do it in the morning after breakfast or something. Maybe Castiel would get to come in for breakfast...
Dean scoffed at himself for getting his hopes up, shaking his head lightly as he turned to head toward his bathroom and instantly froze as his eyes fell on the woman standing in front of him. He hadn't even been aware of anyone else in the house, jerking back from her so violently that he slammed his lower back into the counter and cursed loudly. It was the same dark haired nurse from the car lot, the one that had been creeping into his bedroom on lonely nights to poke and prod at his body. She was frowning at him deeply, her hand reaching out to grab him by the elbow and he tried his best to pull back away from her, but her icy fingers latched onto him easily and he just couldn't seem to shake her off. "N-No, get off of me!" he shouted, amazed that he could actually find his voice, struggling under her grip like a fish out of water. "Let me go, what the hell do you want?!"
"His heart rate is spiking, low blood pressure, he's going into shock!" she called out suddenly and Dean just gawked at her in sheer confusion. "I need some help in here!"
Who the hell was she yelling at? Who was going into shock? Dean tried again to pull his arm away from her, looking around the kitchen for any signs of any other phantom nurses that were going to come pin him down. He could feel his heart pounding against his ribs rapidly, the beeping sound that he always dreaded flooding into his ears suddenly and he nearly screamed out in desperation. He finally managed to jerk his arm away from her, staggering back against the counter again as his head spun violently. He could see the edges of her figure fading out again, the entire room rotating quickly and before he could even grab a hold of anything to keep himself upright, he was falling. The moment he collided harshly with the cold tile floor he could hear the nurse yelling again, but the words were so far away it was hard to make out what she was saying. She sounded desperate and for the first time since he'd started hallucinating about her, he genuinely felt she was trying to help him. The beeping noise that had always drove him insane stretched out into one continuous sound, Dean panicking again when he realized he could no longer feel his heart beating.
It suddenly became painfully clear that the beeping noise was directly connected to his heart and for the first time since he'd started hearing it, he actually wanted it back. The pips were gone which meant he was dying, his body too heavy to even move and his vision was slowly starting to fade, staring off into the distance, entirely helpless to stop what was happening. He wasn't ready to go yet, he didn't want to die because that meant he would be giving up Castiel. What would he think when he came home to find him dead on the kitchen floor? How long would it even take him to find Dean? He was stuck at work during a flu epidemic, or worse just avoiding him, and it could be days before he came around again. Dean would be long gone and cold by then, probably stiff and already starting to decompose and he prayed that Castiel would never have to find him like that. That he would never come back to his house and have to witness him dead on the floor. He would have rather laid there and rotted forever than put anyone through that.
He wasn't sure how long he laid there, all the sounds in the house suddenly gone and he was left with nothing but deafening silence. He thought that dying would be faster, that one moment you would be there and suddenly the next, you were gone. But he seemed to linger around for what felt like hours. Just laying there and staring at nothing in particular because everything was blurry. Maybe it was only a few moments in reality, but it certainly felt like forever. Since there was nothing he could really do to change his predicament, he wished it would get on with it and stop dicking around. If he ended up being stuck in his own dead body, he was going to have a serious meltdown. He couldn't lay there like a vegetable for the rest of eternity, he would literally go insane. Seeing phantom nurses would be the least of his problems if they stuck him in a pine box and buried him. Maybe he would get lucky and his brother would have him cremated. Couldn't be stuck in a body if there was no body left right? Then he wondered idly if it would hurt if they did cremate him. Death hadn't been particularly painful, but burning to ash didn't sound so pleasant no matter what way you turned it. If he was indeed stuck in his body, dead or not, would he still feel pain?
"Dean! No, no, no, Dean!" He wasn't exactly sure when Castiel had appeared, but he was suddenly being wrenched up off of the floor, strong hands forcibly rolling him onto his back so that he was resting in Castiel's lap as the blue eyed man stared down at him in horror, tears dotting the corners of his eyes as he shook him harshly. "Please no, I never meant to leave you alone this long, Dean please-"
Of course the very thing he had wanted to avoid would be exactly what happened and he wasn't really sure how he was supposed to console the man if he was dead. It wasn't as if he could just brush his hand across his cheek and tell him that everything was alright, he still couldn't feel his limbs, let alone move anything. He could see Castiel shaking, his body curling forward as he leaned down to press his forehead to Dean's and he found it odd that he could still feel the warmth of him. He tried to force a sound out of his body, a cry, a sob, anything to let him know that he was still in there, but all he could do was lay there as Castiel sobbed against him. He could see him lift a hand to his chest, resting it over his dead heart and dug his fingers into his shirt lightly. Dean wanted desperately to reach up and hold him, to comfort him even though he was the dead one. But he would never get the chance.
One moment the world was dull and graying, his entire body heavy and cold. The next, he was so very awake as if someone had jolted him with electricity. Dean's body lurched up of it's own free will out of Castiel's lap, a strangled gasp escaping his throat as he instantly tried to pull in air and scream at the same time. His eye were wide open, staring up at the ceiling in pure shock. He'd just been dead a few moments ago and now he was alive again, his body twitching almost uncontrollably as his heart thudded loudly in his ears. He wasn't sure what had happened, how Castiel had managed to resuscitate him, but he was thankful for it. He moved his gaze quickly to his face, searching his tear glossed eyes for some kind of explanation. His arms were wrapped around him, holding Dean close to him even though his body had arched up of its own accord all of a sudden. "Cas-" he gasped, his voice strained like he'd been screaming nonstop for hours on end. "Cas-"
"It's alright Dean, you're alright," he murmured, hushing him lightly as he pulled him closer, tucking Dean's head against his shoulder. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to leave you alone like this. I'm here now, you're safe."
"Cas-I was-dying," he gasped, finally working his fingers up to grip his shirt, clinging to him. "I died-Cas. I-I died."
"Shh, no you are not dead. I would never, never let you die, Dean," he sobbed, rocking him a bit, something he never thought he'd like until that very moment. "Not yet, you cannot die yet. I will not allow it."
Dean tried to say something else, anything else, to thank him for being there. For finding him. He hadn't wanted Castiel to see him like that, but the fact that he did had literally saved his life. It was no doubt tearing the man apart inside, but Dean was indeed alive and safe, just like he had said. Alive and safe and so very tired. The shock that he had received only moments ago seemed to have worn off and his limbs felt heavy again. Not like dead weight, he was just too physically exhausted to lift them. His fingers slowly slipped away from Castiel's shirt and landed on his stomach. All he could manage was a slow nod, but Castiel seemed to understand. He sat there in the kitchen floor, cradling Dean against his body and rocking him gently, kissing his hair every few moments as if to let him know that he was still there. Dean honestly couldn't think of a better place to fall asleep.
When Dean opened his eyes again he was laying in his bed, staring up at the ceiling and he instantly tried to lurch up off the mattress in fear. He barely got his shoulders up off the mattress before a strong arm pressed down across his chest and pushed him back down. He glanced over, finding Castiel seated on the edge of the bed next to him, a damp washcloth in his hand. He looked troubled, pulling his arm back the moment Dean settled back onto the sheets. It took him a moment to remember exactly how he had gotten there, how Castiel had found him laying dead in his kitchen floor and it made his stomach roll just thinking about it. Just remembering how scared and upset Castiel had been when he pulled him up into his lap, how his entire body shook as he sobbed and how he had suddenly been jolted back to life. He still couldn't understand how that had happened, it wasn't like Castiel carried around a defibrillator around with him.
"Dean, do you know where you are?" Castiel asked quietly, almost as if he were afraid of startling him. He opened his mouth to answer him instantly, but he couldn't manage to get the sound out. The entire back of his throat felt like sandpaper and Castiel seemed to understand instantly, reaching over to sit down the wash cloth and scooped up a glass of water off the nightstand. "Here."
Dean had a difficult time of sitting up, propping himself up on one elbow so that he was upright enough to take a drink without choking. The moment the water touched his lips he ended up downing over half the glass, coughing a bit when he finally pushed it away and Castiel placed it back onto the nightstand. He sat there patiently as Dean swallowed a couple of times, still trying to dislodge the uncomfortable feeling in the back of his throat, the water had helped a bit, but it still took him a moment to find his voice. "Home," he croaked, grimacing at the horrible sound that made it's way out of his mouth. "Where else would I be?"
Castiel just looked at him sadly, scooping up the wash cloth again and reached over slowly to dot his forehead with it. He wondered for a moment if maybe he had cracked his head open on the tile in the kitchen, but when Castiel pulled the cloth back it was clean. "You were feverish when I found you. Rambling. I didn't want to come here and chance getting you sick after the flu outbreak at work, but it seems that you've managed to contract it without my help. You had a very high fever, I thought that I might have to take you into the emergency room myself, but I managed to break it. How does your head feel?"
"Like I cracked it open like a damn egg...," he groaned, trying to rifle back through his memories of what had happened. He could remember most of it, the nurse and the heart monitor-now that he knew what the beeping noise was-and how he had hit the floor like a rock and felt like he'd died. How Castiel had found him. It was fuzzy, but still there and he wondered when he'd managed to contract the flu. He'd gone to work as usual, maybe one of the customers passed it along to him?
"I would imagine so, you hit your head on the tile, there's a knot. I was afraid you might be concussed." As if on cue, Dean reached up to touch his forehead where it throbbed, flinching a bit when his fingers touched a tender knot just along his hairline. "You frightened me. You said that you had died, Dean. What happened?"
Where did he even begin? How could he tell Castiel about the nurse and the nightmares he'd been having without him thinking he was certifiable? He couldn't blame the dreams and the hallucinations on the flu that he had apparently contracted since it was only just recently, but what else could he do? He knew that Castiel was scared, he could see it in his eyes and it was just too exhausting trying to make excuses for himself anymore. He would have to come clean sooner or later or they could never really have a stable relationship. He wasn't exactly lying to Castiel, but he hadn't been entirely honest with him either and that would come between them one day. "It's hard to explain," Dean muttered, laying back on the pillows again when his head started to throb even worse.
"Try."
Try to explain. It was all Castiel had ever asked him for and it was the least he could give him back after everything. Dean took a deep breath, wincing a bit when it made his head throb even more. He started over from the very beginning, the first time he had ever seen the nurse on the car lot, to the horrible nightmares he'd been having about her. Castiel seemed honestly concerned about the whole ordeal, but he never interrupted him or even looked at him like he was crazy. Dean had expected a bit more skepticism, but he just sat there staring at him in complete silence. When he started to recount what had happened in the kitchen, it seemed to hit him a little harder. He could see the exact moment when his gaze hardened a bit as he told him about the nurse shouting about him going into shock and the sudden realization that the beeping was a heart monitor.
"It's...crazy. I know it sounds crazy-" Dean sighed, reaching up to rub the knot on his forehead gently only to have his hand pulled away by Castiel a second later. "-I don't know what's fucking wrong with me. I mean, it's not just this flu crap going around. And if I've got it, you need to get away from me, I don't want you getting sick too."
"Dean, you're not crazy because you have nightmares... And I've been inoculated, I won't contract it," Castiel sighed, dabbing at his forehead again with the wash cloth from earlier. Dean wanted to swat his hand away, but the cool material actually felt nice on the throbbing knot protruding from his skull.
"Okay, but how do you explain her being at the car lot? And tonight I guess was the flu, but still, I know I saw her on the car lot first."
"It is entirely plausible that you did, Dean. You weren't entirely there when I arrived that day to being with, you were exhausted from working long hours and you must have thought she just vanished, but it was just a normal woman roaming around the lot that day. And since she obviously startled you that day, your mind was recreating her in your nightmares, then this whole incident with your fever-Dean you are not crazy. It was just a series of very coincidental and entirely possible chain of events." Dean just laid there on the bed, squinting up at Castiel from the pillows for a very long time before he finally nodded and just accepted it. Really, what other explanation was there for it? He was going insane? Or he was being haunted by a dead nurse? He certainly didn't feel insane any other time of the day, everything was fairly mundane even. And that was just the way he liked it. He wanted nothing more than to curl up in bed with Castiel and sleep, have breakfast in the morning together and just go on being happy. Was that so much to ask? "You should rest Dean."
"Don't wanna-" he yawned lightly, reaching a hand up to grab Castiel by the wrist. "-if I go to sleep, you'll leave."
Castiel shook his head lightly, using his other hand to get rid of the washcloth and scooted farther onto the bed with him. "No, Dean. Not this time. I'm not going back into work for a couple of days. I'm going to stay here with you until I am certain you're better. If your condition gets any worse, I'll have to take you into the hospital." Dean just nodded again, his eyes drooping closed as Castiel snuggled onto the bed next to him, wrapping an arm around his chest and pulling him closer. He wanted to take his word for it that he'd be there when he woke up this time, but he would always fear being alone. All he could do was try to sleep and see what the morning had in store.