Chapter 3: Missing you feels worse than imagined
The whole base was bustling with energy. The outlook of a big party always cheered people up, especially after a long time of war and hardship. There was more to the solstice than drinking, dancing and having the chance to hook up with someone, though. General Organa had sent out memos to everyone on the base detailing the local traditions. Not only did she want to make the Rebels aware of the local traditions, but she asked them all to bring an item or tradition of their own cultures to the official celebration as well.
Poe read the memo while working at his desk in his office in the headquarter. It brought a small smile to his face. This was one of the many reasons why he loved and respected the general so much. She always thought of the well-being of her people. It might have come from her being an aristocrat after all, but Poe only knew her as general and could remember her being a friend of his parents all those years ago.
As if on cue, the general peered into his office.
"This is a great idea, Leia." Poe smiled at his superior while closing the document on his data pad. "People will like it, make them less homesick."
"Are you referring to yourself there, Commander?", she addressed him with his rank in a slightly mocking fashion. She already knew about his homesickness. It didn't take Jedi senses to see him being lonely and quieter than usual. She sat down on the chair on the opposite side of the desk. "I understand, what you must feel. You've been with the Rebellion form the very beginning. You helped recruit others from the ranks of the New Republic Navy. You were with us, when we still were just the Resistance. It is tiring to always be on the move and never settle down." Leia sighed and watched the young commander thoughtfully. "I'm so sorry, that we had to declare Yavin 4 a no-fly zone."
She reached out and touched his wrist lightly. "We try to protect who we love, and who is still out there. So many worlds have come under the radar of the First Order." She shortly hesitated before saying a name, that pained her "It is our biggest misfortune, that Kylo Ren knows so much about the Original Rebellion. Many former rebel bases were already ransacked and the locals oppressed. I wouldn't want to endanger the moon that was home to our first big triumph against the empire. And I'm sure, he has a special lookout for you there as well."
"I know, Leia. I know, I'm not the only one who can't go home." Poe surrendered, combing his hands through his hair and offering her a weak smile. "I'm always a good sport about these things. I always show my face at parties, cheer my squad up, when they need it. But I'm just tired. This time, I really don't feel like taking part. Can't you send me on a mission?"
"I will not send you on a mission in that state, Poe." The general shook her head. "In fact, I'll revoke your flight status for a week. And you take a few days off in general. I won't order you to go to the festivities. But, please try to relax. You're no use to the Rebellion if you're completely burnt-out."
"I'm sorry about your son, Leia." Poe just blurted out. It had been bothering him for quite some time now. All the loss the general had to endure, and she was still strong and indestructible.
"Thank you, Poe." She wanted to leave, but reconsidered. With a faint smile she started "If you don't mind, I'd like to share a tradition of my home-world with you. I wouldn't do this in front of everyone, but you are a dear friend to me."
Poe played absentmindedly with the ring dangling from his necklace. "I'd be honored. I'd offer you a drink, but then you would know about my secret stash in my desk leaf." He grinned mischievously.
"Poe Dameron, do you take me for a fool? Of course, I know about the whiskey in your desk. And if I ever just smell a hint of it on your breath when you're on duty, I'll have stripped of your rank for good." The general scolded him. Her features relaxed and she leant back in her seat. "The tradition for every turn of the sun of Alderaan was to share a story with somebody you trust entirely. It was meant to relieve the person telling the story of a painful memory. By sharing the story with somebody else, you can let go of the sentiment and the confidant carries the weight for you, too."
"This sounds very nice." Poe contemplated. "Are you sure, I'm the right person to entrust with something like that?" He felt overwhelmed to be named a confidant by Leia Organa, a person he looked up to.
"Oh yes, you are." Leia smiled. "The thing that pains me the most in all of this." She started with her story. "I keep on losing and losing the people I love. There were only three men in my life, that meant the world to me. I lost the first one, when I was a teenager. I lost Han at the hands of our only child. And I lost Ben – long before he killed his father. And I have no place to go to mourn either of them." A solemn tear ran down her face.
Poe had never witnessed any sign of weakness in Leia. Seeing her shedding a tear almost broke his heart. He took her hand in his and just listened in silence.
"My first love's grave was lost along with my people on Alderaan. My great love wasn't even buried, but the planet was blown up, too. And I'm sure, there won't be a place to mourn Ben, when all this is over." Just above a whisper she added "He won't make it out alive, if there is anything left of him at all."
She sat straight up in her seat, collecting herself and continued with a straight face "And this is how my sorrow will now be safe with you. I'm not supposed to think about it any longer."
"I'm sorry about your many losses, Leia. And I'll guard your memories with my heart." Poe promised. He liked this tradition and felt like sharing a memory of his own. Again, he played with the ring on his necklace.
"Oh, you don't need to share a memory of yours with me. It's an Alderaanian tradition. You should share a Yavinese tradition with someone. And I'm sure, you would want to share that tradition with somebody else." Leia knowingly added.
Poe looked nonplussed. "I don't know who you're referring to."
"Oh, I think you do know." The general rose to her feet and left the office. "Take care of yourself. And thank you for your friendship."
Poe was left alone again in his office. It only now sank in, that he was grounded. "Kriff. I cannot even get away from that solstice thing like that." He groaned and opened his secret stash of whiskey. If he was already grounded and supposed to take a few days off, he could at least have a drink in his office.
In the end, he went to the party after all. It took quite some nagging and whining from Finn, but Poe went to the party. Finn, who had become a confident and level-headed member of the Rebellion, claimed that he needed a wingman at the festivities. This earned him a quizzical glare from Poe, but the older officer agreed to come with him nonetheless.
"You do know, that a wingman in this setting is supposed to help you talk to women to secure you a date." Poe mocked his friend. "I guess, you already excelled in this respect." He motioned towards Rose, who was waiting at the edge of the huge meadow for them. She wore a simple white dress and her dark hair open. Appraisingly, Poe smiled at Rose and engulfed her in a friendly hug.
"You look great, Rose.", he greeted her smilingly. Finn stared at him in disbelief. Of course, the pilot wouldn't hit on his girlfriend, but is always bewildered him, how easy it seemed for Poe to talk to people – even if he claimed he didn't even feel like company.
"Thank you, Poe. You don't look too shabby yourself." Rose grinned. With a wink towards Finn, she added "But of course, you couldn't shine a light to my boyfriend."
"Thank you, Rose. I was starting to worry." Finn teased her. "Wouldn't want you to run off with a pilot, let alone my best friend."
"Don't worry buddy. You know, I'd never do that. And I wouldn't have a say in the matter anyways." Poe added with a nod towards Rose. "Anyways, what did you bring to the official part of the party?"
Rose smiled openly and showed her necklace. "I only carry my sister with me tonight. She would have loved this. I hear there will be a bonfire later and some sort of dance performance by the settlers. I can't wait to see it.", she beamed.
"I wonder how they manage to ignite a bonfire in this humidity.", Finn mused. Then he shrugged "Not much to contribute to the traditions from my side. Phasma was not very festive towards us." He added a little snarky.
Poe punched him friendly on the arm. "Sorry, buddy. I sometimes forget that you weren't raised in such a good place." At which Finn just shrugged. "Don't worry about it. It's in the past. I'd rather work on creating new traditions than dwell in the past." And with that, he slung his arm around Rose's shoulders.
Poe stayed a little behind his friends to give them space. He was truly happy for them and only felt a little lonely. Slowly they went to the center of the meadow, where many people already had gathered.
The official part of the festivities seemed to never end at all. It was beautiful though. Almost half of the audience offered a little something from their respective home worlds. But as the sun went down, the bonfire was lit. It was no normal fire, nothing really was burnt. Instead, a large number of small trees in wooden pots were carried to the center of the meadow, put in a circle and suddenly, the blossoms nested between the leaves began to glow.
Rey would love this. Poe simply thought and couldn't shake this feeling of loneliness. He missed her. She had left for Ahch'To this morning, before he had his talk with Leia in his office. Poe closed his eyes. He could still feel the soft smell of Rey's hair, as she had snuggled against his neck, when she had hugged him goodbye. It was normal to miss a friend like this, wasn't it? And to think of a friend missing a beautiful and not at all romantic spectacle in a starry night was not unusual either. His heartrate picked up and Poe didn't want anything other than to talk to Rey at this moment.
He was interrupted in his train of thoughts, though. A sudden hug and soft hands on his arms caught him totally off guard. "Come on and dance with my, flyboy.", a cheery Jess Pava inquired. Hesitantly Poe followed her. They always danced well together, being used to each other's company and movements. "For old time's sake.", he agreed. That fleeting feeling of longing already was gone again like a breeze.
Jess smirked knowingly "For old time's sake? Are you trying to tell me something, Poe?" She hugged him closer, both attuning the slow rhythm of the music. "You know, I'm feeling a little lonely at the moment. It's been ages since someone held me in his arms.", she mentioned casually and flirty.
Poe didn't react to this in a way she expected. "I have been on my own for more than five years right now. You get used to it." He couldn't stop himself from smirking when he saw the shock in her eyes. "Come on. I know what you have in mind." At this she grinned and inched even closer to him, earning a head shake from the pilot. "Sorry, Jess. But we're no longer in the academy. I can't be what you want and need right now."
Jess moved only a little from him, a sad smile crossing her face. "The day had to come." She sighed. "At least let me dream for a little and don't stop dancing."
A puzzled Poe picked up the rhythm again and swirled her around the bonfire. "I envy her. I truly do. But the two of you will make a nice couple." She finally said without resentment. She reached up to Poe and kissed his cheek. "I enjoyed being with you at the academy, and I'm happy to be your friend. But I have to let go of you now. Or I might start crying. And I don't want this to be my contribution to the solstice festivity."
Jess started walking away, into the darkness of the solstice night. Poe felt completely lost. What had he said, that caused such a drama?
On the far away shores of Ahch'To Rey wandered the Jedi steps to cliffs, where she first had felt the true magnitude of the force. She picked up Master Luke's robe, that still lay on the rock and through them on. She hugged the thick fabric to herself and stared into the sunset before starting to clear her mind. She reached out, sorting through every emotion and memory that came to her.
A soft sigh escaped her mouth when she started to feel the energy around her. She felt totally at peace. No longing, no sadness and no insecurity could trouble her.
"Running away is not the best solution, Rey." She heard a familiar voice and started smiling.
"I hoped to contact you like that, Master Luke."
"Coming here was not wise. There is nothing left for you on this planet. And the Lanai haven't recovered from your last visit, either."
"I won't shoot any more holes in the huts, I promise. And I won't practice with my light saber near the rocks, either." Rey jokingly added. It seemed like the odd humor of her teacher had rubbed off on her a little.
"I see, you're no longer the lonely scavenger that came her all those years ago. And you built your own lightsaber, too." The force ghost of Luke Skywalker assessed. "But something troubles you."
Rey wanted to start pouring out her doubts, when the ghost simply disappeared. "Well, that doesn't really help me.", she shouted into the howling winds of Ahch'To.
"Neither does running away, Rey. Confront what you fear. And don't cling to every word in the Jedi texts. That didn't exactly help me, either." The force ghost said, before he disappeared again.
Rey sighed and tried to focus again, without much luck. She started descending from the cliff again, deciding to at least spend the night in Luke's old hut.