Diplomacy
Jim's stomach tightened another notch; and he wanted to tell Bones - well, everything. He knew it would come out incoherent and jumbled, and not cool and remote, at all; and since that would totally miss the point - and ruin the effect - he just didn't try.
He took one more sip of cold black liquid, and put it aside with a face as impassive as he could make it be.
McCoy wasn't fooled. "Sit," he said.
Searching that well-known face, Jim felt his stomach sinking. He thought about resisting, about running - about informing the doctor firmly that tomorrow would be a busy day.
But then, in the end, he decided to sit.
He hunched there waiting for Bones to speak, wishing, just a little, that his desk chair was more like the one on the Bridge.
"Let me tell you about my friend, Jim Kirk," Bones said, his voice nice and conversational. He shot Jim a glance, then leaned back in his chair, stretching his legs out and crossing his boots.
Jim's stomach sank a little further, and he tried leaning back.
"This guy – my friend – is Captain of a Starship. He's got a lot of responsibility that he suspects he's really not ready for." Bones crossed his arms over his chest, and coolly eyed Kirk a moment, considering.
"He takes days off, when they come up on rotation - and sometimes just because - and doesn't really know what to do with himself. He wants to read a book, do nothing, maybe; hang out with buddies, drink too much, get laid. But he's never really free - because, well, he's the Captain, and that shit gets around: It might undermine the authority that he already thinks is tenuous enough.
"So Jim's lonely sometimes… He suspects he should catch up with old friends, but doesn't know who to write to, anymore.
"He goes on shore leave when he can – loves it – goes with a trusted few, and relaxes, pretends to be anything but the Captain of a Starship, with lives in the palms of his hands. (And sometimes he goes alone, so he doesn't have to pretend anything at all.) He goes off, takes risks – does really stupid shit, in fact – and comes back to a beautiful ship that he's just a little bit afraid to fall in love with, in case the Admiralty realizes they've made a mistake."
Jim straightened, a little, in his seat; but the doctor was undeterred.
"The Captain goes on landing parties when they sound exciting, when they sound like a challenge, when they might be fun. And he goes other times, because he's bored, or he should, or he wants to show off. Maybe, sometimes, when he feels the need to hit something that just might hit back."
Jim started to protest, but hazel eyes pinned him in place.
"Jim Kirk is a really smart guy," McCoy said, "and he wants to do better.
"So, sometimes, on shore leave, he takes his conscience with him.
"See, this Jim Kirk has an ace-in-the-hole. He's got a guy at his side who's unimpeachable, who Jim believes is holding him to a higher standard."
"That's enough, Bones, I see your point." Jim's voice was sharp, just short of making it an order. (A part of him was surprised it had gone there so fast.)
But Bones just scowled back. "No, Jim, it's not."
He shook his head. "Way I see it – You gotta figure out this Spock thing; figure it out now. You're trying to make him be what you need him to be, what you want him to be - just like the Starfleet desks – and that's not fair to him, at all.
"You can't let him absolve you of your own responsibilities, however much he's willing to let you."