This chapter takes place a few days after Tonks stunned Remus and dragged his arse home. There will be some flashback in this chapter, but it is going to help Remus to come to the realization that he is being stupid when it comes to his relationship with Tonks. I am not J.K. Rolwling. Enjoy
Remus woke to find himself drenched in sweat. He sat up slowly favouring his side. The day after Dora had abducted him, as Sirius had referred to it, had been the full moon. That had been two days ago and he was feeling like death warmed over. He had been agitated the whole time and that had made the transformation harder.
He hadn't seen Dora since she had knocked him out. When he had awoken it was to find himself in his own bed and Dumbledore staring at him pensively. This had led to a lengthy conversation before he had to get ready for the moon. That conversation had been part of the cause of his agitation but it had also given him a few things to think about. But not as much as the dream he had just awoken from.
Not a dream really, he told himself as his feet hit the cold wood of the floor and he stiffly limped out of his room and down stairs. More of a montage of memories. The dream had started out with when he was five years old. The day he had been bitten.
15 years earlier.
Sarah Lupin, tall willowy and fair skinned had always been the talk of her small coastal Village. For one thing she was very unreserved when it came to dealing with people, ever since she had been a small child she would tell exactly what she thought. In anyone else this would seem to be offensive but her sweet disposition and kind heart tempered it out so well that no one cared. Still, people talked especially when she started to disappear for long periods of time and came back carrying a cage with a large black owl in it. They talked even more when she was 18 and snubbed the O'Conner boy who was easily the pride of the village. After all who wouldn't want to marry a Doctor? But Sarah has spurned him and instead taken up with the English man who had come to the village that summer with his friend.
John Lupin was not what the people of the village would deem as acceptable. Certainly not better then the boy who would be Doctor. He was tall, lanky and couldn't seem to hold a conversation with anyone without getting flustered. He also seemed to have no job and to top it off was ten years Sarah's senior. So when after only knowing him for a brief summer Sarah ran off and married him, the villagers shook their heads. It would only bring heartbreak, they told her mother many times. Surely that Lupin was no good.
Six years after marrying John Sarah still had no regrets. She loved her new home, it was close enough to the sea to be able to smell the brine that she loved, and not too isolated that she would get lonely when John was at work.
Not that I'll ever be lonely she thought as she stood in her garden. She loved John very much it was true, and she knew that the people in her old home thought she was crazy for running off with him. But she didn't care, because John had given her something that seamis O'Conner never could have, the most beautiful child in the world.
Yes, all parents thought their child was perfect she knew but her son she was convinced was. How could he not be? She had thought she knew what love was when she had met John, but looking down at her little boy on the day he was born, seeing the perfectness of his little fingers and toes, how the light of the ward caught on his blond tuft of hair and made it shine and seeing the way he seemed to look at her when he opened his eyes, as if he knew he belonged to her, she had fallen in love all over again.
"Remusss," she called softly into the bushes at the back of the garden. She was sure that was where he was hiding. Her call was greeted by a little boy giggle and she knew she was right.
"Where oh where can my Remus be?" she mused aloud as she made her way to the back of the garden. He was quiet now, not wanting to give his position away. She could just see him practically holding his breath as he crouched in the bushes. She pretended to scope out areas well away from where he was until finally she reached the bushes.
"Ah ha! I've got you!" she scooped him up and he laughed as she twirled them around. He really was getting big, she thought as she placed him back on his feet. The hair that had started out as blond was now darkening to a brown and he had juts lost his first tooth.
"Shall we call it a night then love?" she asked.
Remus seemed to consider the question, and she had to smile at his seriousness at something as trivial as hide and seek.
"You hide one more time mum, and I'll come find you. Hide in the house though, cause it's too easy to find you out here."
Sarah hesitated for a moment. John had been acting strangely lately, asking her to make sure Remus was in the house by sun down and putting a stop to the nights when she would take him outside to gaze at the full moon. But really, she thought as her son gazed at her pleadingly, what's the harm? We're only in the back garden.
"Ok." She conceded. "I'll hide and you come find me, then that's it ok? It's getting late and dad will be home soon."
The moon was juts rising, a full and luminous orb. Remus nodded and covered his face with his hands. "Go hide mum."
Sarah stepped into the house but didn't go far, just stayed in the kitchen. She knew Remus would admonish her for not playing the game right but at least it would get him in the house.
She waited for a few minutes then looked out the window. The moon was almost risen fully now and it illuminated the whole garden. Her heart give a small lurch, she could not see Remus. All of a sudden she felt someone grab her from behind. Whirling around she found her son grinning at her.
"You didn't hide very well." He said, just as she knew he would.
Sarah simply kneeled down and hugged him. "You sacred me." She said simply. For a moment all the irrational things John had been saying had come speeding through her mind and she had been scared that something had happened.
"Aw, Mum, geez I'm sorry. You're squeezing me too hard." He gasped into her shoulder.
Sarah laughed softly and smiled at him. "I need to go to the village love, do you want to come? I need to pick something up from the grocers."
Remus nodded and she stood and took his hand leading him out of the house, her wand clutched in her other hand. As they walked they were silent, Remus had always been a fairly quiet child, but it was comforting. When they reached the grocers, which was on the far side of the village Remus waited just outside the door for her while she went in. She wasn't worried; no one would try and grab him.
"Nice night isn't it Mrs. L," asked the Muggle boy behind the counter. He was around 17 and had a small crush on her she knew. "Yes Wendell, it is rather lovely out. The moon is so bright."
He wrung up her purchase and gave her, her change. "I heard howling a bit ago, my old man says there's some wild dogs wandering in the woods, you should be careful going home." He leaned forward and smiled, "Hey, it might be werewolves eh? You know like in those movies? Our village would fit in perfectly with something like that."
Sarah tried to laugh, but again she felt a thrill of fear. Something was not right. "Goodnight Wendell," she said as she hurried outside to find her son. The sooner they were home and safely inside the better.
"Remus?" she looked around straining her eyes to see, but there was no sign of him.
"Remus!" Still no answer. Sarah was beginning to feel desperate, wondering if someone had really grabbed him, when she heard a sound that would stay with her forever. It was a scream, terrified and coming from the small woods. She knew it was her son.
"Oh god," she gasped already moving toward the woods. "Don't let my baby die." She didn't even think just ran toward where her son was. On impulse she sent a few spells towards where he was, hoping to scare who ever or what ever was attacking him. When she finally reached him he was lying in a pool of blood, his little body withering in pain.
Sarah fell to her knees beside him, not caring that her trousers were getting soaked in blood and dirt. He was sobbing uncontrollably.
"Shh," she soothed as she pulled him to her arms and stood. "Mummy's got you love. You're going to be ok." She apparated them to St. Mungos.
Four hours later she was sitting by her sons hospital bed in the Dangerous'Dai Llewellyn ward gently smoothing his hair off of his sweaty brow. Behind her John paced trying to decide whether to be livid or crushed. Evidentially he settled on Livid.
"I told you to keep him inside Sarah." He said harshly as he continued to pace. "Now look what's happened, our son… our child is a …"
"He is still our son!" Sarah snapped back, although she kept her voice down not wanting to wake Remus. "This changes nothing."
John gave her a look that suggested what he thought of her sanity. "Changes nothing? It changes everything Sarah; any future he may have had is gone. He'll be an outcast, no one will accept him."
"I will," she said vehemently. "And there will be others, not everyone is so prejudiced. Just because he has been bitten by a Dark Creature does not mean that he ahs to live like one. We all have choices John."
"You think he'll be accepted, that people will look past it? You don't understand Sarah," he said angrily. "He'll never be able to go to school, get a job, get married," he paused and looked at his son for a brief moment. "He'll never know real love, just pity. We've condemned him."
Sarah was outraged. "John Lupin, if you're saying what I think you are then you can pack your bags and move out tomorrow! And as to condemning him, if you had told me the truth none of this would have happened. I don't blame you," she added softly, "Blame will get us no where."
John shook his head. He did blame himself; he knew she was right, he should have told her.
"John look at your son."
When he didn't respond she glared impatiently at him. "Look at him and I mean really look. This is our son John, our Remus who we love more than life itself. This changes nothing, he is still the same child he always was. Yes he'll go through difficulties, but we all have our crosses to bare in life."
She turned back to her son and continued to rub his head soothingly. "He will be accepted John, if we teach him how to accept himself. That's the first step."
Remus could remember that day vividly. Playing with his mother, going to the grocer, being dragged into the woods by Greyback. He had stood outside the door juts as his mother had instructed, but he had heard something in the woods and being as curious as most five year olds he had gone to see what it was. That was when the moon had risen fully.
As he boiled the kettle at his small stove he reflected on that day. He knew that Gareyback must have followed them from the house; it was the only way he could be near enough to attack when he did.
As he waited for the water to boil he eyed the bottle of whisky that seemed to have become a permanent fixture in his house. Erin's right he thought as he threw the half empty bottle away. I am becoming an alcoholic.
After making his tea Remus exited to the back garden, his mothers garden. And he reflected further. Sarah hadn't known, but he had been awake for her entire conversation with his father. Even at Five years old he had been able to understand what she meant, although over the years he had forgotten that early morning conversation between his parents. But in his dream it had all come back to him.
He had to admit that whatever his father said, his mother had been right. Had she not always treated him as she had always before he had been bitten? She had accepted him and in turn helped him to accept himself. Somewhere along the way that had gotten lost though. And hadn't he been accepted, unconditionally by his friends, his family really? James, Sirius and Peter had not judged him when they had found out his secret; they had not turned away like so many others would have. They could've easily done so, after all they had only known him for two years and in some ways their relationship wasn't that strong, as it would eventually turn out to be. But they hadn't. Lily too had never turned away from him, she simply pretended as if she had never found out. There was Dumbledore also, who had let him in to school. Given him the chance to learn and form those relationships that has so far sustained him.
And then there was Nymphadora. Remus sat in the worn out sun chair and stared out at the flowers, which had gown rampant. Dora had always accepted him, always seemed outraged when he suggested she should have reacted otherwise. She amazed him sometimes. He had known she would be upset when he broke up with her, how could she not be? It had nearly killed him to do it; he could just imagine how she was feeling. What he hadn't expected was that she wouldn't accept it. For the fist few months he had thought she had moved on, continued on with her life. It wasn't until January that he had realized that it was hopeless. That was when she had started sending him letters. No frequently though. One had come in January, another in March on his birthday, and one more in May. She never brought up their relationship in her correspondence only talked about how school was going, and that she hoped he was all right. But he could see the things that had been left unsaid, the I love you's and the I think you are a bloody fool's. She had not let go of him, hadn't her coming to get him from Werewolf hell not proved that?
True she said that Dumbledore had asked her too, but even in his drunken state he had not missed the fact that what she left unsaid was that she wanted to. That was why she had fought so vehemently with him, why she had stunned him and dragged him home, why she wouldn't let him feel sorry for himself. Because she truly thought he was worth more than what he had always been told. Despite what he had said in his anger he knew that she did understand. And she didn't care.
As he watched the sun rise over clouds coloured pink, Remus remembered what his mother had said to him when he had first started dating Dora. She was right, the wolf could not dictate his life and it was time to stop letting it and his fear take over. It was time to try and accept what he couldn't change and let him self be happy. He only hoped that she would give him another chance.
"Tonks."
She rolled over and pulled her pillow over her head. It too early for this, she thought tiredly.
"Tonks, wake up. There's an owl for you."
Tonks sat up and glared at Cally, although she wasn't quite able to pull it off in her half asleep state.
Cally simply held out a folded piece of parchment to her and when she took it flounced out of the dormitory.
Yawning she opened the parchment and began reading. Suddenly she felt very awake. Remus wanted to see her, as soon as possible. It looked as if the note had been dashed off quickly and part of the ink was smeared. Unusual for him, she mused throwing back her covers and grabbing a quill off of her bedside table to write back to him. And why does he want to see me? Probably to tell me off again, she thought bitterly. Well there was no way that she'd take that. She'd only been trying to help him after all.
At half past 10 she made her way from the castle and off the grounds. There was no point in trying to sneak away; if she was caught there was nothing anyone could do really. There was only two more days left until she graduated. Remus had suggested they meet by the shrieking shack. Obviously he wanted privacy, which still didn't bode well. The last time he had wanted to speak in privacy he had broken things off.
"Wotcher." She said when she saw him. He was pacing back and forth as if in deep thought and only stopped when she had finally reached him.
"Dora." He gestured to a near by rock. "Sit for a moment please. I need to say a few things."
Tonks raised a brow, looking skeptical but complied. Her whole demeanor spoke of wariness and he really couldn't blame her.
"Well what is it?" she asked when he said nothing.
Remus took a breath as if to steady him self, "I wanted to thank you first. For the other night. I was being a complete ass I know and you were only trying to help."
She nodded in acceptance. "I didn't hurt you when I stunned you did I?"
He smiled slightly, "No, but if you had it would be no more than I deserved. I've been thinking a lot since then, in fact I was up for almost the whole of last night thinking."
She had noticed that he looked tired when she arrived, but seemed full of a nervous sort of energy. She had attributed it to recovering from his last transformation.
"What about?" she asked thinking that this conversation was eerily familiar.
"About you mostly. About what a fool I am."
He was looking at her now and for the first time since she had known him he looked completely unguarded. "
"Yeah, you were being a tad foolish." She could feel her lips curving into a smile and sternly told them to stop. Just because he was admitting he was wrong didn't mean anything but that. Still she couldn't help hoping that this was all leading somewhere.
Again he smiled as he came and sat beside her on the rock. "Dora," he said softly. "I have been stupid. Sirius is always telling me that I buy into what I think my life should be, because that was what I was always told. That I didn't deserve to be happy because what I am won't allow me to be. My father, god rest his soul, always said that I should expect to be rejected, to have to live away from others. As much as he loved me he couldn't fathom that anyone who had a choice would. I never told you, but when we first started going out, when he found out he told me I was being a fool, that I was endangering you for selfish reasons."
Tonks looked at him incredulously, "What?"
Remus just nodded.
"He didn't want you to be happy?" what parent would say that to their child, she wondered. She had never really known John Lupin, and she supposed he couldn't be all bad, but to discourage your child like that…
"He didn't want me to get hurt, or to hurt anyone else. He thought that if he warned me what to expect it would prepare me to face the prejudice that would follow me for my whole life. But he only fueled my belief that I didn't deserve love. That I didn't deserve you." He reached out and took her hand and she immediately gripped his tightly. It was a gesture that had passed between them so many times before without thought, and now she felt as if her whole arm was tingling from that simple touch.
"But as I said, I've been thinking, working things out. And I've come to a conclusion."
His fringe had fallen into his eyes and she wanted so badly to push it back but refrained. They were in a moment and it seemed so fragile that if she were to do anything it would be broken. "And," she asked slowly. "What is that?"
They were looking into each other's eyes now and neither one of them dared to look away.
"That I am allowed to be happy. And that I love you, so much that the thought of never being with you again terrifies me. I can't spend the rest of my life hoping for what might have been. Please Dora, tell me that I haven't made the biggest mistake of my life. I don't blame you if you're angry with me, and Merlin knows hat I have no right to ask you…"
"Shut up Remus." She said with her characteristic cheeky grin before she practically jumped him in her haste to kiss him. He fell back hitting the ground with a thud and she landed on top of him still lip locked. It was like waking up after a long restless sleep or finding you can finally breath again after months of feeling like you were suffocating.
"I take it that that is a yes then?" he gasped when they finally pulled apart.
She smiled down at him, feeling complete for the first time in almost a year. "Of course it is. Now shut up and kiss me. You have a lot of time to make up for."
And really, how could he disagree with that?