A/N: Shout-out to those who reviewed, FMABEnvy and Somebody (the guest; unfortunately, the reviews page doesn't even show that I got that one...), and those who favorited/followed, Corrupted Kestrel, highway country 1994, natcool9, Nizuna Fujieda, and xxDiZzYxDrEaMeRxx! Thanks a bunch; I'm glad that you liked my story enough to do so! :D I hope you'll stay tuned and continue to enjoy and review!
~Penelope
So I was curious! Nothing more. Honestly. Could you really blame me? Some call me a sadist. I may or may not find the teensiest bit of euphoria at the idea of causing mayhem. And when I cause it, I usually like to see how it plays out. Don't get me wrong, I kept my eyes on the pipsqueak and his brother, but I kept my other eye on Anita and her brat.
Or tried, anyway. It's not like I could be both places at once, as cool as that would be. But unfortunately, duplication wasn't among my plethora of talents. I managed to figure out between sightings that Anita got the first job – or maybe it wasn't the first, but it was the first place she went to after I destroyed that dinky little house – she could get her hands on, as a barmaid at a popular local joint near the center of the town. The inn above it was where she settled in with little Christian. In a tiny little room with a single bed and trundle.
I am not a stalker. I am an investigator. I investigated via their window, disguised as a blackbird. And boy did they seem miserable. Christian stayed at home, humming that silly lullaby and going through tear fits like his mother went through tissues when she thought no one was looking. Typical humans.
Well… okay, so Anita was stronger than she looked. At least she didn't spend all her free time bawling her eyes out or anything. She sucked it up and threw herself into her duties and didn't even flinch when the bar manager treated her like trash. Obviously, just because she'd finally gotten a job didn't mean her boss had to be happy about it. He was probably just desperate for the help – or the company of a pretty young thing like Anita, but whatever.
On the first night, I watched through her window as she examined the skimpy uniform she would be required to wear for work. She spent most of that night sewing a pair of elbow-length, fingerless gloves to match as best she could; she used fabric from the vest she was wearing the day I met her (you'll recall that she left that house with nothing more than the clothes on her back and the brat on her heels).
Boy, they had it bad, didn't they? It had been a long time since I saw a human in such a miserable situation.
Not that I pitied them. It was free entertainment, and more than the Elrics could provide at the moment. The pipsqueak was fun to rile up, but bored me to tears when all he did was sit there while his girly friend twisted some bolts here and there.
Interesting stuff happened around this lady, so I stuck nearby. Just in case.
Sure enough, Anita seemed to be a trouble magnet. It was only two days in, and I, extremely unstimulated as I was by lack of excitement, lounged on the black awning that marked the entrance to the bar as the town fell into late evening. The sun had retreated behind the bluffs, and this was the time when the bar really got most of its business, its party-hardies. The nightcrawlers, the creepy-crawlies came out to hoard in the more unsavory parts of town like the parasites they were; they flocked to establishments like these like bugs to a bare light bulb.
Silly Anita, picking one of the most popular bars in Rush Valley.
She'd gone to get something from a neighboring shop – a syrup of some sort? – and I watched her short black skirt swish with her steps. I couldn't help but close my eyes as Greed-like thoughts swarmed me. I could almost hear what he'd say about now.
I call first dibs.
Second's not so bad; she'll put up less of a fight for you.
Come on, live a little, Envy!
"Shut up," I muttered, flicking nothing off my arm into the night air. I imagined doing that to his face, and smirked. Yeah, let me chain that pervert to a post, see how long it takes me to break him down. I knew plenty of torture methods – it was what I did, after all. Xingese methods were the most fun. Water torture, bamboo sprouts, the lot of it… Yeah, that'd be fun. And then he'd just regenerate, and we'd start all over again.
Or I'd just settle for being able to flick him in the eye a few times.*
Like an animal catching a whiff of fear, I almost knew something was going to happen before it did. Anita came back toward the bar, and then a couple of drunks stumbled out of the door under my awning, blocking her path. I instantly knew this was going to get nasty.
They slurred and staggered as they spoke (I don't really recall what they said), and next thing I knew, they'd dragged her into the nearest alley with a hand clamped over her mouth when she tried screaming.
Now, I don't mind seeing people suffer. But… something about this just… rubbed me the wrong way. It disgusted me, and I couldn't just sit there and listen to them. So, I had two choices – jump up onto the roofs and vanish into the night to find something else to occupy my time… or stick around, and stop them.
The first option would spare my reputation, but it would also result in extended boredom. The latter option provided me with further entertainment, but risked me seeming like a nice guy.
Eh. I could deal with nice guy now and then. I hated being bored.
They didn't even look up when I dropped off the side of the building and landed behind them. One had Anita pinned to the wall with his free hand wandering where it really shouldn't while the other was loosening his belt. I wrinkled my nose in disgust; humans honestly had no dignity, did they?
"I suggest you leave the nice lady alone, boys," I crowed, folding my arms.
All three pairs of eyes turned to me. Anita's eyebrows rose and she gave a muffled 'mmmmvehh' from under the first man's hand, while the two guys stared at me, looking mostly confused. Like they really hadn't expected to be interrupted.
"Buzz off, shrimp," the one holding Anita spat. I felt a stab of indignation, and tried my best not to realize that's probably how the pipsqueak felt every time somebody commented on his height.
They were taller than me, though. And I really didn't feel like going Unleashed right here, right now… Oh well; since when did height stop me?
"Why don't you buzz off?" I shot back, swaggering closer. "Then we can all go home unscathed."
The second guy forgot about his belt and swung an arm. Metal glinted in the moon's light. A loud bang echoed through the alley. I felt my skull cave in, felt blood behind my eyes, in my nose and mouth, and everything went back. Anita shrieked.
3… 2… 1…
"Oohhhhh…" I groaned, pushing myself to my hands and knees while red sparks crackled around my head.
How long was I out? I supposed that would depend on the damage done, but I was really ticked now. At the same time, the utter disregard to their own personal safety that the goons displayed while intoxicated was most amusing indeed. At that, I found myself sniggering uncontrollably.
The men, who'd moved in on their prey by now, jumped away from her if only to distance themselves from my regenerating self, their faces the very image of shock and horror. As my head reconstructed itself, I sat back on my heels and laughed.
"That was a pretty good cheap shot," I cackled, grinning like the Cheshire Cat. "I almost forgot where I was for a minute; that automail caught me off guard. Thanks for reminding me."
They blinked, and I jumped forward and latched onto Belt's automail arm. Before he could even gasp in terror, I coiled my spine, twisted myself around, and wrenched the appendage clean off with the sound of tearing metal and snapping wires. The guy cried out in surprise.
Without hesitating, I spun around and slapped him across the face with his own arm. The last look of fright on his face just before he was on his back unconscious made me laugh harder.
"Doesn't feel so good, does it." Resting the arm on my shoulder like a rifle, I turned to level a sly look at the remaining offender, who stared at me like I was some sort of ghost or something and then turned tail and ran, whimpering like a little girl.
I snickered after him. "HA! You humans never put up much of a fight! I don't know how I haven't died of boredom yet!"
As he disappeared into the dark, the street fell silent again, except for Anita's barely-contained breathing. She sounded like she was treading the line between trying to steady herself and hyperventilating. Slowly, carefully, she inched toward me, while I just smirked at her, letting her take her time to soak it all in. Humans took such a long time to-
"THE HECK!?" The automail arm was snatched from my hands, and swung through the air before I had the chance to react.
C-LANK!
"Ow-ow-ow-ow-OW!" I howled, massaging my scalp, where a nice gooseegg formed before my regeneration kicked in. "What was that for, you crazy lady?"
"What were you thinking!? You could've killed them!" she blared, dropping the arm into the dust.
"DID YOU FORGET WHAT THEY WERE ABOUT TO DO TO YOU, HUH?"
Her hair might as well have been flames on her matchstick head, and she clenched her fists at her sides, fuming. "What are you doing here, anyway!? First you accept my invitation to dinner, then you DESTROY MY HOUSE, and now you rescue me!? WHAT SORT OF MIXED UP PSYCHO ARE YOU!?"
"I'M ENVY THE HOMUNCULUS!" I growled back. That usually explained everything, those four little words.
"The heck does that have to do with anything!? That doesn't excuse your behavior!"
"Actually, it usually does." I folded my arms over my chest, leaning back on my heels as I spoke matter-of-factly. "If you knew what it meant, it most definitely would."
"Well, I don't, so it doesn't clear up anything for me."
"Too bad for you, Miss Uninformed."
She reached for the automail again, and I jumped a good four paces away from her. Yeah, I know I can regenerate and there have been lots of times I'm grateful for that, but still. Just because I can heal myself doesn't mean I don't feel pain. And I'd already been whacked over the head twice tonight. With the same dang arm.
"Who are you?" she uttered darkly.
"Hmph." I planted my hands on my hips, tossing some strands of my hair out of my eyes. "I already told you."
"No, you told me what your name was."
"Pssh, same difference! It means the same thing!"
"No it doesn't! I don't judge people by names; I judge them by actions."
"Well, then, I'm the psychopathic monster that destroyed your house just as you were about to get evicted."
"Current actions." She glowered at me.
I sighed heavily; humans, humans, humans… Make up your minds! "Fine, then I'm the guy who just saved your innocence."
"That's long past saving, homunculus."
I waved a flippant hand at her, and then pretended to examine my nails out of boredom. Actually, they were getting a little overgrown, come to think of it… "Whatever. Geez, can't you make up your mind?"
"Not when it seems like you can't."
"Oh? And how's that?"
"Like I said. It seems like you can't decide whether you're good or bad."
A low chuckle escaped me. "Good or bad; as if I could be limited to the black and whites you humans tend to go by. No, you see, I don't fall into one side or the other; I look solely out for numero uno. That's the way of the wild, survival of the fittest." Of course, the fittest being moi and my fellow homunculi and father. But she didn't need to know that much detail, seeing as she was nice and ignorant in relation to our plans, just like all good little humans should be.
"I do what it takes to keep myself comfortable and entertained," I finished, grinning madly at her, watching for unsettlement to show in her eyes.
None came. Her eyes, bright and wary, narrowed at me. "You might have just let them have me and sat back to watch, then."
Grin falling away, I made a face and mock-gagged. "I said entertained, not disgusted. Humans like that lack dignity of any kind, and it makes me sick to my stomach."
"Humans like that?" She raised an eyebrow. "You specified that time; why not say just 'humans', since you seem against us in any shape or form."
Hmm… Why had I specified? I really didn't notice. I don't usually pay that much attention to what comes out of my mouth unless I'm purposefully trying to manipulate someone or something.
I shrugged, coming up with an excuse on the spot. "There's humans like them, and then there's humans like you and the Fullmetal pipsqueak. You guys are just weird. It makes things interesting."
"Why?" she said through gritted teeth.
"Because you guys think you have a superior set of morals, some sort of unspoken code you try not to break, and it's really amusing to watch you try. And fail. And try again. It's so pointless, as noble as it seems, and yet so interesting."
Anita took a deep breath and let it out slowly, closing her eyes. I smiled smugly to myself, knowing I had won.
"You know, you had better learn a little more about people as individuals before you decide what stereotype to classify them in. You can't just stick us all in a mental box and label it 'Humanity'; you might find you don't hate humans as much as you think you do."
Oh, she thought she knew so much, huh? I gave a short laugh. "But hating humans is so much more fun."
"So you'd rather remain ignorant and continue to hate for no particular reason?" She hacked a dry laugh. "And you call me 'uninformed'. But whatever. To each idiot their own."
"HEY, WHO YOU CALLING IDIOT, IDIOT!?"
Shaking her head, she turned back toward the bar, and I was reminded of where we were. The raucous sounds coming from inside suddenly seemed very loud.
"Make up your mind who you're gonna be. Otherwise, leave me alone." She stooped to pick up the bottle of syrup or whatever it is she had grabbed from the neighboring shop before moving toward the door.
I huffed, scowling. "If that's all the thanks I'm gonna get, I'll just let you get violated next time."
She paused, her hand on the old-fashioned swinging door panels. Then, without glancing back, I heard her mutter under her breath. "Thanks." Then she disappeared into the rowdy establishment.
Ha. Victorious again. I was Envy the Undefeated. Smirking to myself, I chortled quietly as the stillness of the night swallowed me up. "No problem, silly little human… No problem at all."
With that, I took to the rooftops, and went in search of some shop or other that I could vandalize.
*Points to you if you get this reference (BBC Sherlock)!