"I swear that woman has seen Memento, way too many times" Veronica drawled as she opened up to her boyfriend Logan Echolls with the eager pit-bull at her side as they walked along the sandy beach of Neptune overlooking Nereids Point, a popular spot with the surfers and tourists who took advantage of the beach and central location. They had didn't have time to take Backup to Dog's beach during their lunch hour, and use of an absence excuse slips that Wallace had swiped for her would only result in a concerned phone call to her father since she was still being watched carefully by the faculty after her recent medical issues, so they had settled for here instead.
"How do you know she isn't expecting you to go full on Jason Bourne?" Logan quipped as he looked at the petite blond walking beside him, his thoughts were preoccupied with how he had wished he had been a fly on the wall during her earlier therapy session with Ms James, the schools guidance counsellor. He knew that Veronica would never admit it, but she was having trouble coping. She had been more than a little absentminded. PTSD and losing her memory and the trauma that came along with her faulty memory and regaining it again in such a short period of time were starting to take their toll, and he was worried about her.
They were going to talk about this investigation whether she wanted to or not…
He had noted the presence of several local news station videos in a box on her computer desk in her bedroom while they had been collecting her dog.
Abel Koontz Footage… the journal had mentioned that she had been attempting to double back on her investigation by retracing her steps.
Keith Mars had been at his office, thankfully, finding him in her bedroom again after last time would not have ended favourably. It had been innocent, she had fallen asleep in his arms the night that they had discovered Daisy had been killed, but there had yet to be a reckoning for the knowledge between them all that it had been their sexual encounter on Homecoming that had triggered the recovery of her memories.
"Because she hasn't reported me to Homeland Security?" she offered as she shrugged, doing her best to catch up with him, it seemed for every one step he was taking; she had to take three to keep pace. "If I find a copy of Before I Go To Sleep on her shelf I am transferring to Pam High" Veronica declared as she threw the ball for Backup and they watched as the determined pooch tore off down the beach to retrieve it.
"You could loan her your Journal?" he suggested, but they both knew that would never happen because it was full of the records of her investigation.
Lilly Kane hadn't exactly taken all her secrets to the grave… once you knew something like that... it couldn't be unknown.
Again he pondered how much of our decisions were truly based on our memories? Solving this mystery had formed the cornerstone of her rapidly dissolving present. She had been without hers, and she had still repeated every single one.
If this hadn't happened, would he still made his choices to be controlling, cajoling, bullying and doing everything to get his power over her to make her see him because only in those artic blue eyes that blazed with hatred and fire had he felt real?
"Ah… the Memoirs of a Teenage Amnesiac?" she mused. "An exciting tale of ritualistic murders, hunting serial killers and fighting the paranormal" she continued in a mocking voice as she grinned at him, but the truth was anything but funny. Someone had bludgeoned Lilly Kane to death, her body hadn't been found in a shallow grave, it was left in her backyard… and Veronica had been there the night her father had been called to the gruesome crime scene. That she was still suffering the nightmares.
We can't ignore that Duncan might have done this… that the Kane's could have covered up the crimes of their only surviving Heir… that it was all connected to Daisy's case… that whoever had done this was clever… perhaps too clever…
"She still trying to figure out what high school is like when you get to be a tabula rasa?" Logan asked carefully as he stood beside her, watching as the dog jumped through half an old sand sculpture to claim his prize.
Tabula Rasa… a blank slate.
"Yeah, except now it's more like déjà vu" Veronica nodded bitterly, her newfound 'opportunities' made her feel like her memory had been toyed with… manipulated. "She talks about it like I had one of those in-a-coma, out-of-body-experiences" she sighed, exasperated. Her earlier session with the guidance counsellor had left her feeling a little frustrated. "I wasn't void of anything… Not that I didn't have to write notes to myself to help me remember mundane things- like washing my hair to jotting down snippets of memories I was learning about myself along the way. I can almost hear the grant proposal draft whirring around in her head on how the tragedy of my experience means they can study the implications and repercussions of my amnesia can give a fascinating insight on the high school experience… Personally I think she's hoping for a mind-bending, Bond-esque finale." she added sarcastically, the corner of her mouth quirking up as she crouched down, scratching behind the excited dogs ear as she wrestled the ball from him as she looked out along the shoreline, enjoying its tranquillity. "I reckon she secretly wants proof I'm part of an elite force of genetically-altered teens that possess flawless combat skills and powers strong enough to destroy a city" she smiled up at him.
It was well known that Ms James had studied her BA degree in Psychology, and an MA in Neuropsychology but had been unable to secure a fellowship at any of the nearby colleges or universities so she had taken up a local position as Guidance Counsellor in Neptune High School while she cared for her ailing parents, using her experience of working with her students to conduct research. She had already begun measuring the impact of grief on the collective student population; Lilly Kane's murder last year had created an unexpected opportunity.
Sooner or later, everyone sits down to a banquet of consequences...
Logan gave the tough pixie girl in front of him a pained expression but he didn't say anything, in many ways, losing her memories had caused her to become trapped inside a labyrinth of them. That entire past trauma was now her reality; and she was trying desperately to piece together her shattered life. Tipping points were only recognizable in retrospect but without hindsight… how would he know if this was the beginning or the end?
No one was expecting the memories that eventually came rushing back to Veronica, least of all herself, she couldn't help but observe Logan as he silently watched her, while the alternate points of view warred in her head… all the fragments of befores and afters scattering her emotions into a complicated web.
She would have to rethink her investigative techniques if they were going to do this together… if they were going to continue on this path at all now it was veering into ever more terrifying terrain.
Part of her didn't like the person she was before her memory was wiped. She had been grateful for the reunion with Logan, the way that being with him with no prior memories of their history had reconciled them, being with him had felt as easy as breathing, and their intense relationship had flourished. But the other part of her was troubled by how easily she had fallen into the Stepford-student-syndrome of Neptune High, completely unaware of being laughed at, accused, and bullied on a daily basis. Of how easily she had forgotten that someone had violated her in the worst possible way. Things she could recall now, in frank and sardonic detail.
Oh tangled web of sex and drugs at this high school…
What could she expect though, when she had been navigating the world with patchy memories, the vagueness in people's eyes, waking up knowing only life's little basics? Being around the 09ers again was unsettling and upsetting, and she didn't want to pick at those memories… didn't want to recall what was really going on in her dreams.
Somethings are just best forgotten… like Mom leaving… not knowing where she is…
Even now she hadn't been able to shake the memory of alienation that when she first came home with her dad, she had felt like she was invading another girl's life, sleeping in a strangers room, going through her belongings, even though it had always been her own space.
Nothing had been familiar. Nothing but Him… this love for him felt like a compass… pointing her way home.
Questions about her former self, survivor's guilt and a host of other mixed up emotions streamed through her consciousness upsetting any attempt to find a balance between her two warring personalities.
The journal and it's the backstory was told in jagged bits and pieces, creating a jigsaw puzzle story that had been interesting reading, she had passive, docile, hardly curious at first. But it didn't take long for her to get a glimpse of the girl she used to be before.
Even with no memories… she had still made all the exact same moves… investigating Lilly's murder… still would have made the same mistakes that had gotten Daisy killed.
Even now she still had a disconcerting loss of self, she also had a second chance to realign her present and, possibly, her future. The only consistent sort of emotional connection had been the magnetic pull she still felt towards Logan. The sense that he was the epicentre of her world.
At least after her last visit with Dr Sorrell and her final evaluation with Dr Holtz she was free from having to worry about another memory vanishing incident like the one that left her with retrograde amnesia. She had been transferred to a regional outpatient physician, Dr Lauren Elliot, at a remote clinic near her home so she was free of the maze of the Neptune Sacred Heart hospital's corridors, hallways, and stairways which were now as familiar to her as the back of her hand. No more gurneys and people in white coats… no more people trying to infiltrate her private thoughts.
She still didn't know the overall Greater Purpose of Life Lesson of what to think about her recent memory issues… maybe it was all symbolism, maybe it was time-travelling, rebirth, dream-prose or maybe it was all just an allegory for an existential crisis. Each approach seemed valid and each made her feel like she should still be expecting something else from the Twilight Zone.
"What would you do if you could reinvent yourself?" Daisy had asked her one afternoon when they had been using the photocopier to digitize the case files for backing up. Veronica had used that as motivation before her memories were recovered to reinvents herself as someone more carefree and fabulous. But despite her exciting new life, there were some things from her past that she just can't wipe clean. She'd still been trying to solve Lilly's murder.
"Our lives are always ours to remake." Veronica repeated what Ms James had told her sagely during their session, the teacher had a bizarre fixation on the power of positive thinking. Her blue eyes searched Logan's face as she stood back up and launched the ball towards the incoming tide. She knew he was going to want to talk about Weevil and the PCHers… about those tapes she knew he had spotted in her room.
Would these secrets she was hunting threaten their love or solidify it?
She wanted to skip it, she wanted pull him closer for more of those mind-blowing, knee-bending kisses that made everything but the sensation of his lips on hers fall away. Logan could almost read her thoughts as those wide pansy-blue eyes looked up at him.
"Is that what you want?" Logan asked as Backup nudged the ball into his hand. The clever hound had quickly figured out that he could throw the ball farther than his pint-sized owner. Veronica held his gaze and he knew that she couldn't let it go… as much as he wanted her to. As much as it threatened to explode something primitive inside him that just wanted to carry her off to keep her safe.
He prayed that they could find some kind of coexistence between her need to get justice for Lilly… and his need to protect the woman he loved and needed more than his next breath.
This tiny woman could bring him to his knees…and he hadn't even confessed to his true whereabouts the day of Lilly's murder… how could he risk telling her now and alienating her when he needed to protect her and the case was so much more dangerous than either of them had ever believed possible?
Veronica knew that as much as he agreed with her that something was horribly wrong inside the Neptune Police Department, that her father had been removed from office unfairly after the mounting pressure from the wealthy 09er elite and City Council to solve the case before it affected the tourist trade to produce results had used him as a scapegoat, as much as he wanted vengeance for Lilly… that after the recent slaying of her friend… that he that he felt they were out of their depth.
"Every friendly face… is a mask… and every kind word… is a lie. Amnesia wasn't the scariest part of the last few months Logan… It's this. Right now… I could be looking her killer in the face… and I wouldn't even know it" Veronica told him.
How could she have been so reckless before? She had tried to solve this when she had no recollection of her past. If you can't see your past… how could you have no idea that the danger was coming, that it could be standing next to you, lying to you, sitting at your lunch table… sitting in your classes… touching you… until it's too late?
What if she had confided in Duncan before he'd taken that journal and learned the truth?
"We have no idea who we are dealing with…" Logan reasoned, he was practically white-knuckling at the thought of the hidden threats. She was dancing with the devil and she had no intention of stopping… Could two people be any less suited for conversation? He could already see the determination in her face.
"I know… it's down the rabbit hole" she nodded, his diminutive vigilante.
"You should bow out… consider yourself side-lined… this is dangerous Veronica" he told her firmly.
"Have you forgotten what happened to Lilly?" she demanded, her azure eyes narrowed and Backup jumped up against her hip, forcing the ball into her stomach, tail wagging.
"Of course not… how could I?" he responded angrily. "I love you… you do remember the last person who helped you with this was buried yesterday?" he asked rhetorically and he watched as her mouth closed into a tight line as she took the slobber covered yellow tennis ball from Backup and tossed it away. Those blue eyes had the shockingly vivid clarity of a glacial lake he had seen once when he was skiing with his parents when he had been 14.
"You don't have to remind me" she scowled, although it was impossible not to stare at him, her stomach shimmied like jelly under the fierce expression in those dark eyes. She hated him for that lethal combination of looks and hormones that wore down her steely resolve.
"Well maybe I do!" he insisted. "We just got outmanoeuvred… this game is so big we don't know who's got us in their crosshairs… we need to slow down… Weevil and those guys… they are going to go rushing off into hazardous territory regardless of the consequences and I can't lose you too" he snapped and allowed the ramifications of that statement sank in. "You aren't doing this without me Veronica…"
She had an assessing look on her face, like she was trying to figure out what the hell they were supposed to do now, her caramel-blond hair blowing around her shoulders as the ocean breeze blew between them. She was about a docile as an atomic bomb… she wouldn't tolerate being caged.
"Arguing with you is always inevitable" she declared, aghast.
"Loving you is irreversible…" he countered.
"You sound kind of desperate" she replied wryly as she mentally strangled herself until her mental self lost all consciousness.
She didn't want to battle with him…
"I'd rather fight with you than live another day without you" he told her finally, and the look in his eyes stole all her words away. Her softness against his hardness as she curled into his broad chest as he wrapped his arms around her shoulders, her surrender was a delicious victory. Necessity had made her self-reliant before, and she took a mental inventory of the next possible moves she stayed there listening to his heartbeat as their breathing synchronised. The heated discussion wasn't over and the truth was like blood under their fingernails.
She couldn't walk away from this… but she wouldn't be doing this alone from now on.
Together meant together…
"We will fix this, do you understand me?" he whispered in her ear and her bones melted like honey as he stroked the tumbling tresses of her blond hair that fell around her pale shoulders.
She was the one thing in his life that felt like was truly his.
"I'm staying…" he told her and they were both almost knocked off balance as the attention seeking hound returned and barked, the ball laying at their feet. Blissfully unaware of the drama unfolding around him.
Was it stupid to envy a dog?
"I warned you about that ball…" Veronica groaned, hiding her face against his chest. "You have created a monster…"
"Yeah.. I thought you were exaggerating when you told me" Logan admitted, those gorgeous chocolate brown eyes were looking down at her apologetically.
"Nope… he's a total jerk when you get him started" she replied in her usual playful tone.
"You still helping out with the Student Council after school?" he asked as he nuzzled her neck. May and Natalie had asked for her help with some photographs for the school website for the upcoming events and campaigns, and some posters for the upcoming basketball and football games.
"Go Pirates!" she mused.
"I'll meet you after school and we can go to the Dirty Nickel together to meet Weevil and Becca" Logan told her. She looked like she was going to protest. "You are a pint-sized lunatic if you think I am going to let you go by yourself" he warned. He would have stayed at the school with her until they had to leave but his father had an event to some charity dinner that Logan and Trina were being forced to attend but he should be able to sneak away after the pictures.
Clearly she was treading on hot cinders around the lip of a volcano… he wouldn't take no for an answer.
They hadn't discussed the elephant in the room.
Weevils history with Lilly.
Those dark intuitive eyes must have sensed her concern.
"I don't exactly love this… but I am capable of some semblance of civility… I don't like it… but we can't afford the complication if I lose my head" Logan told her. "My only focus is you"
How could she be worried about him being jealous when the more immediate threat was her ex-boyfriend Duncan Kane and his family?
He would have to grow a thick skin quickly; the only weakness in his armour was an obsession with his five-foot-two nothing blonde who's every touch felt like both medicine and murder.
She was already trying to find her reasons to persuade him to give her the space to manoeuvre and get the information they needed. He could see it on her face, his die hard little hustler.
"Okay" she agreed.
"My mom also wants to invite you over for dinner sometime…" Logan added, no doubt his father would insist on showing off his cooking again. Her cheeks reddened and she looked a little more pliable… dinner with the parents… dinner with his family… as his girlfriend. Recent tragedies had allowed them to avoid these predicaments so far.
Something they hadn't discussed yet, the butterflies in her belly turned to chainsaws with nerves. He could see her considering the suggestion. Her mind was a scorching hot mess.
"Meeting the parents… can't we just stick to the unsolved sinister murders and clandestine conspiracies?" she squeaked.
"Of all things… this is what you find daunting?" he grinned before he picked the ball up from the sand beside them and walked her back towards his car, throwing the ball a little further ahead of them and watching Backup run after it seeking his glory.