Erin had made certain that she was the first one to leave the next morning, smiling widely when Penelope said that she would stop and get coffee for the both of them. It seemed like they were already falling into a set of patterns, and that thought comforted her a little.
As she stepped into her office, she wasn't surprised to see Helen already seated behind her desk, and her assistant gave her a small smile. "Good morning! It looks like you got some good sleep last night," she said as she rummaged around on her desk. "These are all your phone messages from the time you left yesterday until this morning. And before you ask, no, I did not get a copy of today's paper. Besides, if the unsub keeps to his pattern, a new blind item won't pop up for another day or two. I'll be sure to send Penelope right in the moment I see her."
"Thank you, Helen," Erin replied as she took the thin sheaf of paper from her assistant's hands. The sweet optimism that she was showing in her belief that this unsub would follow a pattern was so naïve, but it made her heart feel a little lighter nonetheless. That feeling soon left as she turned on her computer and clicked over to the website of the paper. The tight feeling of anxiety began to churn in her stomach as she navigated over to the blind items, scrolling through until she reached one that sounded like it had been taken straight from her past.
Delving further into the skeleton filled closet of the FBI, we were not surprised to find out that this supposedly straight as an arrow Section Chief actually has quite the rainbow checkered past. Maybe that was the reason that she saw fit to cut the rope out from under her subordinate when the opportunity arose? All we know is that amends can never make up for the sting of betrayal from a lover.
Gagging a little, Erin clicked off the page and pushed away from her desk before making a run for the bathrooms. It was still early enough that there weren't many others there, which made her feel a lot better as she closed herself in the handicap bathroom and dropped to her knees, quickly losing the contents of her stomach. As she struggled to catch her breath, Erin rested her forehead on her arm, willing away the tears.
"I don't know how Alex will take this," she whispered as she reached out to flush away the evidence of her shame. With shaky arms, Erin pushed herself up from the floor, reaching out to rest one hand against the wall of the stall as she took a long, steadying, breath.
"Erin? Helen said that you weren't feeling well. Do you need me to get you something to settle your stomach? Like soda crackers or seltzer water or something?"
Her heart once more dropped into the pit of her stomach as she recognized Penelope's voice. This was going to devastate her, finding out about the secret Erin had kept in such a public way. And she had no idea how to make it right with the woman. "I'll be fine, Penny. Just go back to my office and wait for me."
"Oh, honey, no. We are going to head back together. I need to see for myself that you're okay."
Somehow, Erin knew that this was a battle she would not win, so she drew in a deep breath before stepping out of the stall and heading over to the sinks. Turning the tap on, she let the water run until it was warm, and then she was washing her hands and face. "Thanks," she murmured as she took the paper towels from Penelope's outstretched hand, drying off before meeting her gaze in the mirror. "Really, your concern is sweet, but I'm certain your coffee is getting cold."
"Frak the coffee, Erin. There was another blind item, wasn't there? And it was about you." Her first instinct was to shake her head, to deny the words that she had spoken, but there was nothing she could do to change the words on the website, no matter what she said. "Erin? Don't freeze me out now."
"Yes, there was another blind item. But I'm not entirely certain that the unsub is talking about me. It could be about anyone."
Penelope cocked her head to one side, as if to say that she didn't believe Erin in the slightest, but Erin tried to smile as she brushed past the younger woman to throw the towels away. "Don't think that this is over. I am relentless."
"I know you are, it's one of your best traits," Erin whispered as she left the bathroom and scurried over to her sanctuary. From the corner of her eye, she saw Alex and Aaron standing in the doorway of the bullpen, and she knew then that they had both already read the blind item. A confrontation was in the air, and her hands began to tremble once more as a craving swept over her body.
And then, Penelope was placing a steady hand on the small of her back, leading her into her office and closing the door behind them. "You are seriously scaring me, Erin. What could possibly be so bad as to provoke that sort of reaction from you?"
Just as she was about to gently break the news of her final secret to Penelope, they both heard raised voices in the outer office. From the sound of things, Erin knew that Aaron was trying to get Helen to announce him, and that she was refusing. "He's too angry, that's why he's not letting him in," Erin murmured off-handedly, feeling her entire body turn numb with the knowledge that very soon her life was going to turn upside down and that she would lose the one person who had started to reach out to her.
"What would he have to be angry about, Erin?"
There was a cord of iron running through her voice, and Erin closed her eyes as she pulled away from the younger woman and made her way over to the window from memory. Reaching out, she splayed her hand against the cool glass and awaited her fate. "Erin, Agent Hotchner would like to come speak to you, but I'm not entirely certain that he's in the best frame of mind to do so at the present time."
"It's all right, Helen, thank you for trying to protect me. But I made this bed years ago, and now the chickens have come home to roost." She knew that she was mixing metaphors, but she didn't really care at that moment. She heard Penelope come up behind her and just as the younger woman's hand came to rest on her upper arm, the door to her office opened, and they both turned to see Aaron enter. "I take it that you saw today's blind item."
"No, Alex was kind enough to point it out to me before she proceeded, in great detail, to inform me of the relationship that the two of you shared. Is it true? Did you really sell her out in order to save your own job during the Amerithrax case?"
The blood slowly drained from her face as her breaths became more and more shallow. "That is somewhat true, yes. We did have an affair, we chose to deliberately betray our husbands, and at the time we thought it was worth it. I thought, well, I fell in love. I didn't mean for that to happen, and then, when we were almost caught, I did sell her out. Because I couldn't afford to lost my job and my husband in the same fell swoop. Didn't you ever wonder why Alex was so hostile towards me when she first came back?"
"She was good at hiding that part of herself away. What did you think would happen?" It took Erin a few beats to comprehend what he was referring to, and she drifted over to her couch and took a seat, digging her fingers into the leather of the arm as she fought to keep her tears inside. "Well?"
"I thought that it would all work out in the end. It was the one time in my life I allowed myself to be naïve, even though I had undermined Alex's findings. Yes, she made a mistake, but I thought that if I pointed that out, that she would take stock of things, change her assessment, and that everything would be all right."
"Were you afraid that she was gunning for your position?"
Aaron's words were a cruel jab to her heart, and Erin bit her lip, finding the tears closer than ever to falling. "No. I never wanted to be Section Chief. I hated politics, even though I was good at them. I would have welcomed someone else in my position, allowing me to go out in the field and be the agent I trained to be."
Desperately, she looked to Penelope, hoping beyond hope that the woman could spare a tender look for her. Instead, she was staring at the floor, her features tight, her body language closed off. That was when the first crack in her defenses happened, and a few tears rolled down her cheeks. Aaron frowned deeply, a look of pity on his face, and she quickly looked down into her lap, allowing herself to cry. "So, this is a totally true blind item. Great. I expected more of you, Erin."
"I expected more of myself, too," she whispered as she listened to him leave the room, the door closing quietly behind him. The silence stretched out between Penelope and herself, and Erin didn't know what was worse – Aaron's casual judgement of her, or Penelope's silent condemnation. All she knew was that she deserved it, for everything that she had let happen in her life.