Vignette 15 - Giving Thought

South of the Mandalia Plains, first watch

Argath had first watch, which meant Delita and Ramza had the tent to themselves, for once.

"Why did you suddenly start being so nice to Argath?" Delita asked quietly, as they lay in the darkness. "As far as I've seen, he's still as big an arse as ever."

"The Headmaster." Ramza said. "Something he said made me realise that, whether I like Argath or not, as long as he's attached to the squad, I have to make him welcome and try to integrate him."

Delita was quiet for a moment.

"It's not that easy, you know - not unless Argath's prepared to put in a hell of a lot more effort as well. Plus, the rest of us have all known each other for nearly four years, or three and a half, in my case. It would take more than a couple of weeks for him to integrate. Especially since I'm hardly the only one who thinks he's an arse. I include you in that, if you hadn't already worked that out."

"All right – so I also think he's a snobbish stuck-up arse. So what? Life is more pleasant if we all, at least, make some effort to get along!" Ramza said.

Delita felt like that last statement was aimed squarely at him.

"I wish you'd stop trying to be so damned nice all the time!" He said testily.

"And I wish you wouldn't get so damned irritable!" Ramza shot back in a similar tone.

The both turned on their bedrolls to face away from one another. After a few minutes, Ramza spoke.

"Delita, you and Juli...?" He didn't even know exactly what he wanted to ask. He just knew that as their captain he ought to... No he didn't even know exactly what he ought to do. It was about making an effort to all get along like he'd said to Delita. If they...

"You know, that's really not your business, Ramza." Delita's tone was surprisingly mild. "If it helps, yes I know that, this time, it isn't some casual tumble with a tavern wench and, yes, she says she is making sure she doesn't end up pregnant. Beyond that, this is the end of the discussion." Delita had shocked his friend; usually they talked about everything.

Delita stared off into the night, fuming gently. Ramza had no right... He'd already apologised to Ramza, the previous morning, for spending a night with Juliana under the roof of Mansion Beoulve. Apologised huh! It had been a necessary diversion, but he didn't like that he'd done it when he felt no remorse and hadn't seen any necessity for an apology. He knew he was being touchy tonight, and that that was part of it. He knew he should apologise again, but the unnecessary apology would have to cover this transgression – he wasn't making another.

The whole thing with Juliana was stupidly complicated. While they were alone together, everything was great. The moment Juli started thinking about the situation, it all started to become far more complex than he felt it ever should be. They were too young to be thinking about settling down – they were having fun and he liked her an awful lot. Why did she have to make it more complicated than that?

He knew the answer, of course. She'd lost... no, get it right... he'd taken her virginity - that most precious and saleable commodity of noblemen's daughters. Not that he'd taken anything without her enthusiastic consent, still... If it somehow became known, she was automatically damaged goods; a girl who had done what she had could never make a "good" marriage... presuming that it did become known. It didn't have to become known, of course, and, in the long run, who knew what might happen between the two of them?

He'd always thought it was ironic the way the older generation of nobles so looked down their noses at people, even the very successful ones, who were "in trade", yet treated their children like something to be bought and sold on the open market. The currency they demanded for them might, more often, be social standing than gil, but a little money, as long as it was "old money" was never rejected either. Poor Juli...

Gods! He should never have touched her! Ramza was right to question him. He might not feel like he had done something wrong but, deep down, he knew he had. He'd wronged her in a way that only marriage could put right and it couldn't be put right by marriage to a near-penniless commoner either... Not that he was ready to make her that offer, even if it would have helped; they were both far too young!

Hell, hell, bloody hell and damnation! I've been a completely selfish bastard, haven't I? I just need to remember that my brain is the organ I need to try using, for once, when it comes to women! Or, if I can't manage that, the least I could do is just stick to the casual damned tavern wenches I mentioned to Ramza. Those were his last coherent thoughts before falling asleep.

Ramza was certain that Delita was no more asleep than he was.

Delita was right, of course, it was none of Ramza's business what went on between him and Juliana. Perhaps he should apologise? Delita was also right to question why Ramza was making such an effort to be nice to a boy who wouldn't know decency if it hit him square between the eyes.

The headmaster had made him feel guilty that he hadn't been more welcoming and hadn't encouraged the squad to be the same way, but the headmaster wasn't the one who was having to put up with Argath... Or had it been a trick question – that one about Argath's lack of integration into the squad - "And do you feel that this is his fault or yours?"

At the time, Ramza had seen that as a question designed to make him take responsibility for the "rogue element" that had entered his team but what if it had, instead, been meant to make Ramza think about whether he really should be trying to take responsibility for every little thing?

Had it been meant to make him acknowledge that, even when you were a leader, you couldn't control every aspect of life? Especially those "aspects of life" that were human beings. People had their own flaws, priorities and personalities which no-one but them could fully control, no matter how "exalted" your position. He suddenly wondered if there had been one right answer to that question of the headmaster's.

Was he over-analysing? The headmaster had appeared satisfied with Ramza's answer, and not everything had to be a trick question. Perhaps he had just wanted to prompt Ramza to do his best to resolve the Argath situation.

Did it matter anyway? Tomorrow they'd deal with whoever and whatever they found at this brigands' hideout, then they'd go back to Eagrose. Argath would, no doubt, go back to the Marquis' employ and he, Delita and the rest would find themselves patrolling the battlements of Eagrose Castle for a few days, then, whether or not there was a doubly-damned Grand Ball, they'd go back to the Akademy for a few weeks until they graduated.

Maybe he should ask Delita what he thought? He was reluctant to - it would mean admitting that he kept trying to second-guess himself, which was never a good thing to do as a leader... or was it? Shouldn't one analyse one's own actions for faults so that one could try to avoid them in future?

He so desperately wanted to be a good leader, to be the sort of man his father had been. Was that what made him question himself all the damned time?

He turned over and opened his mouth to tell Delita what an idiot he was being - that he was half-way to driving himself crazy, this evening, and that he needed some sensible advice. Possibly, he instead needed something that would render him unconscious until he stopped questioning his own actions, so that he could get some damned sleep!

He heard a soft snore – the snore of someone who wasn't lying in the dark questioning every little detail of an answer he'd given nearly a week ago to what was probably a throwaway question.

Ramza turned over and did his best to settle himself, and tell himself that this was merely nerves and that these were natural the night before an important battle. It took a while, but he did eventually fall into a light, uneasy sleep.

Author's Note:

Ramza's suddenly gone a bit neurotic, I know. However, I think it isn't completely out of character for someone who is so desperate to prove himself.