She Made Her Choice

You know what you are? You're my God given solace.....God given solace...God given solace...never stop talking to me.

Penelope Garcia had a day from hell. The team was on a case in New York City and for the first time in two years she had been brought along.

It seemed so exciting to her. She had this feeling something big was going to happen and she just couldn't shake that thought from the moment Hotch told her she was coming with them this time.

Well something big did happen for sure. But most of it was firmly in the horror category. Hotch got hurt. Agent Kate Joyner died. And Derek nearly got himself killed by driving an ambulance loaded with explosives through the city streets when he knew it was set to go off at any moment.

Those few minutes of speaking in his ear had made her feel like she was hanging on the edge of a cliff. If he died then she would fall off into an abyss of blackness. Nothing would make sense anymore. Breathing would be impossible. Life would lose all its meaning if she lost her noir hero.

For a few seconds she thought she had. For a few seconds Morgan was dead, in her mind, and those few seconds were a time of suspended animation. Frozen. She couldn't believe it was true because if it was true then she had lost him forever.

His voice came back on the line. Her body sagged with relief. And then he said it. He said the words he had been trying to get out earlier but either he was too distracted with driving or he couldn't find the right phrase because he almost got there but not quite before he had to throw himself out of the ambulance.

He came back on the line and called her his God given solace. She told him she was mad at him and hung up. Now she was making her way across the city, in a cab, when the streets were crowded with traffic and cops. She knew she'd have to flash her FBI credentials to make it into the hospital. But make it in there she would.

Because she had to see him with her own two eyes.

Morgan had shocked her once a few months back by saying he loved her. She believed him but she knew he was also emotionally wrought at that time, as was she, and it wasn't something that meant anything was changing between them.

Tonight he thought he could die. Tonight he was just as emotionally wrought. But tonight it meant something. At least to her.

Because he knew she was dating Kevin Lynch. And Morgan still was going to use his last words ever spoken not to say "Tell my Mom I love her," and not to say "Make sure no one ever forgets me," or even "Name a kid after me, Garcia." No he was using them to tell her what she meant to him and it was hard.

He didn't spit it right out. He rooted around for the phrase that would tell her all she was in his heart and his soul. He used his last possible seconds on earth to think of her.

And then he jumped out, not knowing if it was in time, and then he lived. And he used his first moments of the life he still had to finish what he started as he told her who she was to him: his God given solace who he never wanted to stop talking to him.

If she doubted his love was a romantic kind a few months before she did not doubt him now. She had let her insecurities tell her Kevin is who she could get and who was right for her but Kevin didn't make her heart soar. He wasn't the one who had her blood rushing hot through her veins for years now.

Kevin wasn't her hero. Kevin wasn't the one who she had the pile of amazing memories with her. Kevin was a good guy but he wasn't Derek Morgan.

Penelope had thought she couldn't really get Derek and she couldn't really keep him and it was better to just be with the guy she could get and keep. To not risk more with the hunk who didn't do love.

Now she knew Derek did do love. Because in between the two life threatening situations he had his chance to stop caring about her. To get mad and get over her. But he didn't. Maybe he couldn't.

He was in love with her. She was sure of it. And she wanted to know when he planned to do something about it.

XXXXXXXXX

Derek's shoulder was still sore as hell but otherwise he was all right. His clothes were a little tattered and dirty though. He could use a long hot shower and to get into some sweats.

Still that wasn't at the top of his priority list. He was worried about Hotch because he was injured and he was upset that Agent Kate Joyner had died, despite Hotch's best efforts to save her.

There was enough pain and guilt to go around on this case. Derek would be glad to get back to Quantico and put this whole thing behind him.

Being in New York had made him think about a lot of things he had been trying to not think about recently. He was told he might get offered a job here. That made him wonder if he could leave Penelope. And what in the hell he hoped to accomplish if he stayed in Virginia with her. She had a man. Besides nobody in the BAU could ever make a relationship work and he doubted he'd be the one who pulled it off. She made it clear she wasn't interested anyway.

Then he was in an ambulance wired to explode and the clock was ticking down. Suddenly it didn't matter how hurt, mad, betrayed, and disappointed he was over her. Suddenly all he knew was she was there in his ear, trying to keep him alive, and if he died then she should know she had made his life so much better by being his friend.

What he wanted to say was "Baby girl, I'm so in love with you that it's painful to go on another day without being your man," but he couldn't tell that to her when he hoped to live and then he would have to face her each day with no way to pretend he meant something different...less.

But what he said wasn't meant to be any less. His God given solace. It was his way of saying he loved her and needed her and couldn't live without having her in his world. Then he told her the part he hoped she understood the most: whatever happens.

That was his way of saying that even if he took a job in New York and she married Lynch that she would still be the one who had his heart and nothing could change the fact that he wanted to hear her voice on the other end of his phone every day for the rest of his life.

If that is all he could have then that would just have to be enough. He did love her but she was also his best friend and his strength during the worse times. He wanted to be that for her too.

There was just so many times now when it hurt to look at her. When he had to fake his smile and try not to imagine Lynch's hands on her body, his mouth on her neck, his words making her believe in a love that she refused to believe in with Derek.

But the next time he saw her he wouldn't mention any of that. He'd just smile for her and get through another day without her.

What else could he do really? She made her choice.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

Penelope's heart was in her throat when she walked up to the cubicle that she had been told Derek was in. She knew he was basically okay and just getting checked out as a precaution.

It wasn't worry about him being injured that made it so she could barely think straight. It was knowing that he loved her.

For the first time in all the time they knew each other she was going to look in his eyes and have no doubts that he was in love with his baby girl- maybe even madly in love with her. How about that, huh?

It made her feel light and warm all at the same time.

Walking into the cubicle in the ER she said spotted him and whispered his name "Derek."

His head jerked up. He saw her and gave her a smile. "Garcia, I'm just fine. Look at me, mama, hardly a scratch. Tell me I don't make near death experiences look good."

She shuffled closer to him, still dazed. Her eyes took in his face, lovingly memorizing him and thinking of how close he came to not being here.

Seeing how emotional she was he added "Take a good look, baby girl, I'm all in one piece."

"Never scare me like that again," she whispered

"You know that wasn't exactly fun for me either but I needed to do it and it all worked out. Thanks for calling me to check on me. It saved me having to call you and we know that every second counted tonight."

"Earlier today, when we didn't know whose SUV had blown up, I called you first. Do you know why?"

He just looked in her eyes, encouraging her to go on.

She said "I care about everyone on this whole team. I love them all. I don't want to lose any of them. But I called you first because if I lose you then this world will be a very ugly place for me....devoid of the best hero who I've ever had the honor and the privilege and the pleasure of having in my life."

"I'm no kind of hero. Today wasn't about being a hero. It was about doing what I could to protect our family."

"Do you ever stop and think about yourself first? Not what's best for me or the team or what to do to solve the case and get the unsub but what is best just for you? Don't answer because I know the answer. You don't. You nobly forsake your own health and happiness for the greater good and, for the most part, that is a beautiful thing. Even when it terrifies me. But sometimes, Morgan, its just a plain stupid and wrong way to go."

"Okay, Garcia, that's enough. I know you're mad about tonight but lay off me please. I've had a hell of a day, baby."

"I won't lay off you because you have to hear this-"

"Drop it! I did what I had to do tonight! I thought you'd understand that!"

"Morgan-"

"Please, just be my sweet baby girl for me right now."

"But I'm mad at you."

He let out a long breath. "I know it but you can be mad tomorrow. Right now just go back to the hotel and get yourself some rest."

"Without you? Forget it. That's not happening. I may be mad at you for being stubborn but I can overlook it because I know you did it all for me."

His eyes narrowed at her.

She went on "You didn't want to get in the way of what I have with Kevin so you stepped back. You took the noble way out. You could have fought for me or at least screamed at me but you didn't. You were right there still being as good to me as ever. But sometimes being the noble hero is foolish......I'm your God given solace, Derek?"

"Penelope, baby, I didn't say that....I didn't say that to try and get you to leave Lynch for me. I just said it because....it's the truth. You make it possible for me to stay sane, woman, and for that fact.....I love you."

She took her hands, cupped his cheeks and kissed him before she could chicken out. Then she said "I love you too, handsome, and I'm so sorry for having to be knocked over the head by a near death experience to see how true your feelings are for me. I've been stupid, Morgan. Can you forgive me my stupidity and blindness?"

Just then a doctor came in. "How are you feeling, Agent Morgan? Any pain I should know about?"

"I think I have a head injury."

Penelope gasped and her hand moved to his head to feel for a bump. "You hurt your head? Why didn't you say anything?"

Derek told the doctor "I'm having these vivid visions."

The doctor asked "What kind of visions?"

Penelope's frown turned into a smile. Derek smiled back at her. "That the woman I love showed up here to tell me it looks like I won't be spending my life alone missing her."

The doctor caught on. "Oh and how about the shoulder?"

Derek grabbed Penelope by the waist and pulled her into a heated kiss. The doctor said "I'll order some x-rays just to be on the safe side. Uh...yeah...ignore me. I was just leaving anyway."

Penelope broke away from Derek, giggling. "You scared him off."

"Good cause I want you all to myself, baby girl," then he pulled her close and they kissed again.

THE END

Inspired by I Knew I Loved You Before I Met You. Song by Savage Garden. Mvid by AndyGibbs.