Ok. This chapter is going to fast forward a bit. The last chapter took place in March of 1985. This one is in about December, so almost a year later. I need the story to move forward if we're ever going to get to all the stuff that happens in the books. Cheers.
Something was wrong.
She could feel it instinctively. There was something wrong with her;there must be. After all it had been almost a year. Surely by now she should have been nice and round with child. Nothing though.
Tonks kicked the wall in frustration and promptly regretted it as pain blossomed and spread through her foot.
"Bugger!" she hopped on one foot, leaning over to hold the injured one. This action, while reflex, turned out not to be such a good idea as she then fell over in a very undignified way.
"What did that wall ever do to you then?"
She looked up from her position on the floor to see her father standing over her, with a very amused look gracing his jovial face.
"How'd you get in?" she asked instead, trying to regain some dignity and pull herself into a sitting position.
Ted shrugged and wiggled the wand in his right hand in front of her face. "Not that hard now is it. You should really ward your house better kid."
Tonks huffed and stood, striding purposefully into the kitchen, trying not to wince at the pain in her toes. They were probably broken. Serves me right, she thought. Here I am twenty three years old and I'm kicken a wall, all cause I got my "monthly visitor" as mum would say.
"You want tea?" she asked, as Ted followed her into the room.
"Wouldn't mind a cup, thanks." He sat at the table and eyed all the papers and journals strewn across it.
"Just budge those onto the floor Dad," she told him as she filled the kettle. "Remus and I usually just move round them. I guess I didn't notice how much of a mess it is."
Ted laughed. "Do I look like your mother? You know a bit of mess never bothered me. Ta."
Tonks placed a steaming cup in front of him and sat, pulling her legs up and wrapping one arm around them. "Welcome."
Ted looked at his daughter, noting the dark circles under her eyes and the way her usually vibrant air was lacking.
"What's got you down?"
She sighed and stared moodily into her tea. "Is it that obvious?"
"Dora, you look like you want to cry."
"I feel like it. Might do me better than kicken the wall too." She replied in tones of dejection.
Ted didn't press the subject. He hadn't just been put in Hufflepuff, as some thought, because he didn't really fit into the categories of the other houses. He had patience in abundance. He knew that eventually, if he waited long enough, she would crack and tell him what was wrong.
Sure enough, after a near two minutes of silence, she spoke again, her voice containing a soft sadness.
"Just got some disappointing news, I guess you could say."
"What's that then?"
She traced a pattern on the table top with her index finger, a habit he recognized as one that meant she was either nervous or contemplating something, and looked at him.
"I'm not pregnant." She said bluntly.
Ted blinked, "Come again?"
She rolled her eyes, "I'm not pregnant. That's what's got me down dad. I've failed to become knocked up."
Again Ted blinked and she was vaguely amused to see that his face was turning slightly red. She supposed it was rather mortifying to think of your daughter as a sexual being, and doing those things. But really, she'd been with Remus since she was fifteen. What did he think they did, play chess all the time?
"Were you uh, trying then?"he asked, looking as if he didn't really care to know and taking a large gulp of tea.
"yeah. For like a year now actually. My idea, not his." She sighed. She still wasn't sure that this was what Remus really wanted. Sometimes she got the distinct impression that he wasn't all that upset when she would tell him that they still weren't expecting.
Ted furrowed his brow at her tone, but didn't comment. "Well, it'll happen eventually," he was obviously trying to be comforting, but Tonks could here a distinct note in his voice that told her he would love nothing more than to move away from this topic. She bit her lip to stop herself from laughing.
"So, why're you here then? Not that I'm not happy to see you…" she amended, taking a sip of tea and grimacing when she realized it was cold.
Ted shrugged, his usual bright smile appearing. "Just thought I would stop by and see my favourite kid."
She rolled her eyes, a habit that she could never seem to break herself of, and returned his smile.
"I'm your only kid." She flicked her wand, intending to send the now empty tea things to the sink and instead sent one of the cups smashing against the nearest wall.
"Well," she said brightly, as her dad laughed, "least I didn't send it through the window this time. Must be improving." She eyed her chuckling father, "Don't tell Remus about that yeah? Sometimes I think he only married me so I could amuse him with my lack of prowess with all things householdy."
Ted shook his head. "Wouldn't dream of it. Where is he anyway. It's Saturday, I would have thought he'd be home with you."
Tonks shrugged. "He's with Dana still I suppose. She wanted his help sorting out the shop. She's finally opening it and Marks' working. Guess that's what happens when you marry a senior Auror."
Mark had been promoted two months previous and she found that now that she didn't get to work with him as often, she missed it. Not that she'd ever tell him that; it wasn't in the nature of their friendship.
"Spends a lot of time with that girl doesn't he?" Ted asked nonchalantly.
Tonks frowned and raised a brow, her mood shifting again. "Are you implying something?"
Ted laughed softly. "No. I know Remus isn't that type of man. Just commenting is all. I think it's good, he needs people in his life, after…" he trailed off but she knew what he meant.
"Yeah. I'll admit when I first met Dana I wasn't too crazy bout her. I knew she fancied Remus. But she's grown on me. Kind of like a bad fungus." She added cheekily, before sobering. "She's a good friend though. And she keeps Mark in his place so there's something. Want more tea?"
"Nah. I better head out. Your mum is makeing Shepperd's pie." Ted stood and Tonks followed as he headed to the floo. "You could come, she'd love to see you," He said significantly.
She shook her head. "Not today. Don't really feel up to it honestly. I'll probably just go have a kip."
Ted eyed her critically for a moment, his hand resting in the jar of floo powder.
"I know someone that may be able to help you Dora," he said in a measured tone. "He's a doctor. Grew up next door to me. The Muggles, they have ways to find out why you can't, well you know."
Tonks grinned at her fathers discomfort. "Thanks dad. What's his name then?" she knew that she would have to convince Remus to go along with it, and he would want as much information as he could get.
Still, she thought as she watched her father leave, what if I'm better not knowing. What if there is a problem? +++
"You can put your cloths back on mam." The young woman in the nurses uniform told her as the doctor left the room. "And then go make another appointment. The results take about a week. Or we could phone you?"
Tonks pulled her shirt back over her head and imagined getting a call at the grocery about how fertile she was. Yes that would go smashingly. The whole village would know before the hour was out. As if they didn't have enough to gossip about.
"I'll just make an appointment."
"How'd it go?" Remus asked sometime later as they walked through London, a brisk winter wind blowing around them.
"It was different. I thought Healers were intrusive but they don't have anything on Muggle doctors. And you?" she glanced at him in time to catch his grimice.
"Different is one way to describe it, definitely."
She laughed and looped her arm though his, giving him a slight squeeze. "Well it's over with now. All we gotta do is wait and see." She said lightly, although she felt far from it. Trepidation was building as a pit in her stomach.
"You know," he said after a time, "It could be me."
"What?" she glanced at him quizzically.
Remus cleared his throat. "I mean that it might be my fault that we haven't conceived yet. I know that you're worried that there's something wrong with you, but it could be me."
She studied him for a moment as he stared back at her and then shrugged. "Well, like I said we'll find out won't we."+++
Tonks stared idly around the small office, one booted foot tapping against her knee as she took in the children's art on the far wall. She wondered if the doctor had any children,or if those were from patients.
"Sorry to keep you waiting." Doctor Harrop apologized to them as he entered the room and settled behind his desk. He held a folder in his hand.
She stared at it almost fixedly, knowing that they were moments away from finding out, and only looked away when she felt Remus take her hand and rub the back of it soothingly. She smiled weakly in thanks and turned back to the doctor.
He opened the file, glanced at it and sighed. "Let me just start by saying that you both are in very good health and at the perfect age for reproducing. I found nothing wrong on that front." He paused and looked at them over his glasses. "Correct me if I'm wrong but you said that your mother had a hard time conceiving?" he directed his question to Tonks.
"Well not me. I came along right away, bit of a surprise actually. She told me that after I was born though she wanted more children but was unable to. She never found out why."
He nodded. "As I said, physically you are very healthy. It seems though that you may have inherited the problem that your mother had. You have a hormonal imbalance Mrs. Lupin. In fact we found a few abnormalities with your blood." He looked as if he didn't really want to continue but pushed forward. "I'm sorry, but the likely hood of you ever being able to conceive is not very high."+++
She wanted to cry. Wanted being the operative word. She didn't feel as if she needed to,but she wanted to. She wanted to feel something other than the torrent currently raging inside of her.
Tonks pulled her cloak more firmly around herself and stared up at the grey sky, small snowflakes landing on her cheeks and making them feel numb.
My fault, she thought bitterly. They had had to obliviate the doctor, he had wanted to do more tests on her blood and really there was nothing else for it.
Despite the teasing and nasty comments she had received growing up, Tonks had never resented being a Metemorphmagus. She liked being able to change, loved it even. It was who she was, it helped define her. There had been moments when she had wondered why she was like she was, when she knew of no one else in her family like her, but overall she had been content in her abilities. Now though, she had never hated it more. Because she knew that this was the real reason. She should have realized it sooner. After all her essence didn't even work with polyjuice potion.
But she had hoped; wanted a baby so much that it hurt. That hope had blinded her to a reality that she should have considered from the start.
She knew Remus was surprised. He would have been sure it was he who's genes were at fault. As he had said werewolves didn't procreate easily. But honestly, she would have been more surprised if it was him and not her.
"Dora?"
She didn't answer and she heard him sigh as he crouched down beside where she was sitting on the cold ground. It had been two weeks since they found out and she knew she was upsetting him with her withdrawn mood.
"I knew it was going to turn out to be something with me." She said softly. "I just felt it."
He didn't say anything and she was grateful. What was there to say?
"I probably would have been a lousy mother any way."
"Dora," he sounded pained and she found she couldn't handle it.
"I'm going for a walk." She lurched to her feet and stumbled down the lane, her legs half asleep from sitting in the cold for so long.
Suddenly she felt something cold and wet collide with the back of her head. It slid down the back of her cloak and sent a slight chill down her back.
She turned quickly to look at Remus incredulously just as another snow ball flew at her.
"Oi!" What was he doing? A third projectile flew at her and she ducked automatically. Grasping some snow in her cold hands she shaped a ball and tossed back, hitting him in the chest. She put her hands on her hips and stared at him, lips pursed.
Remus simply raised a brow and prepared to throw again.
"Don't you…" she was hit in the face this time.
Cursing she returned fire and soon an all out war was under way.
In the end they were both soaked and she was finding herself smiling slightly as she shoved snow down his back.
"Alright,alright. I surrender. Should have known I couldn't beat you, you play too dirtily."
"Learned from the best," She quipped as he got to his feet.
As soon as he was standing she wrapped her arms around him and leaned against him. "Thank you." It came out muffled but she knew he heard. "I'm sorry I've been so…"
He cut her off, wrapping his own arms tightly around her. "Dora, I know that you think that I didn't want a baby. And perhaps that was partly true, in the beginning. You are allowed to be sad, I know I am. Just take your time." He rubbed her back soothingly and then said softly, "And you're wrong. You would have been a wonderful mother."
That was it then. With those words, Tonks finally got what she wanted. She cried, great heaving sobs rocking through her body releasing the torrent inside.
Remus simply held her tightly, holding back his own tears for what could have been.
AN: The snow ball fight is something I could see Tonks doing if the situation was reversed and Remus was the one that was depressed. So I had him start it, knowing that he knew that she would do it, if that makes any sense. I don't know. It did in my head…