I do not own Inuyasha, but I do own this story.
The Count Down
Chapter 5
6: Life in the Darkness
You were the calm in this torrential down pour. The life raft during a cataclysmic storm on the ocean. You held my hand and dried my tears. Disappointment. I was suppose to be strong for you. You were suppose to look at me for comfort and support yet you were the one showing me a brighter side to things. I decided to take a few days at my family's shrine to bring my emotions to a standstill. You were finishing up work to stay at home from now on. You had made the decision to tell the family during one large dinner party at the house. A twisted sadistic party which was meant to welcome us to our new home would instead take a turn for the worst.
The few days past and I felt a fool. How could I have been so selfish to abandon you in your time of need to lick my own wounds? There was no end for the onset of depression. So many reasons to let the rain pour down into my soul but I had to find the sunlight. Maybe each dawn of each day would bring more than the gloom I was currently finding.
I stayed at the shrine those days and lost the person I had become since meeting you. Deep within my room which had not changed since I moved out after high school was my diary about why I wanted to be a photographer. I had decided during my second year that I wanted to capture the truth in every moment whenever I found. Each tear deserved the most raw and real emotion that could be captured. Each smile needed to show love to everyone who saw it. I found my first camera, nothing high tech or fancy; it was just a plain camera.
The camera stayed with me as I walked the city. Past your office building and my studio and into the park. I found the bench again, bare of inhabitants and warm from the rays of sun. I had not been here in weeks due to the move. Something had changed or maybe I had changed. I sat on the bench and looked up at the sky. How could the sun shine so bright? How come the sky was so clear? This was unfair! Everyone should have felt the great devastating pain that tore through my entire being.
I picked up the camera from where it unconsciously sat next to me and pointed it at the ground. Click. The gravel and pavement took up the picture with just a bare sliver of the grass line. I moved again. Click. A child's backpack peeked through the left side of the photo, barely grazing the side of tree which stood in the middle. I looked back to the sky. Click. I was able to catch birds flying over head this time.
A few deep breaths later, I looked at the photos and realized that they were just as emotionless as I was pessimistic. I tried again, laying down on the bench and closing my eyes. Click. Another picture of the sky, tree branches and leaves taking up much of the picture. I turned my head. Click. A picture of a couple sitting in the grass, in love and flirtatious. Flipping completely over, I laid on my stomach and looked under the bench. A spider had built a small home. Click. Now her home would forever be in my camera.
It was time to go home. I had had my time alone, as selfish and narcissistic as it was. My sun kissed skin flushed with goose flesh as I exited the warmth of the sun for the cool of the shady buildings. What would you think of me? Ashamed. Ashamed of everything that the past few days had held. I hailed a taxi and gave them our address. The car ride was silent and I told him to keep the change when I left the car.
I found you sitting in your study in our home, reading through a stack of papers. Click. You glimpsed at me but said nothing. I found a seat in the lounge chair which I had insisted you get for this exact purpose. The silence stretched between us before I interrupted your thoughts with a squeaky sneeze and another Click of my camera. You met my stare and put your papers down before joining me on my perch. Click. I caught a picture of you leaning into me.
Wrapped tightly in your embrace, my head on your chest, I listened to your heart beat and told myself that this would never go away. I took deep breaths of your scent, feeling the lush mountain ranges and warm natural springs of your past. Everything you had done and been through sat on your skin and every inhale was different from the last. You spoke into my hair, saying that you had set yourself up to work from home and would not be going into the office unless you absolutely had to. I apologized for being so greedy. You took my camera from me. Click. There was a picture of me now, what did I look like in that moment?
We made love again in the light pouring through the window. The kami was blushing if they were watching us with how often we bared everything for the universe to see. You made me shameless, basking in our romantic and sometimes animalistic encounters. Click. I had grabbed my camera from where you set it on the floor to take a picture of your naked body.
We held each other longer than we should have when we both had a list of chores to do. We laid there, barely on the lounge chair, legs hanging off of the bottom. The sun had begun to set when I pushed away from you, insisting that we find dinner. You were having none of that. Instead you carried me and my camera to the bedroom and ordered food to be delivered to the house. We quickly made love again before the food arrived.
We ate quietly. I took a couple more pictures before you wrestled me for the camera and took some yourself. Then we went to bed, naked. The night passed with dreams of riding on your cloud through mountains and having rough sex in a hot spring. The dreams turned to what seemed like memories of your past. I witnessed a father dote and love on a young child while you stood at the door of a dojo, in the middle of your lesson. Your broken heart ran deep, wishing your father showed you the same love, yet you still convinced yourself that he was molding you to be the next ruler. The memories continued until I even saw your affection towards the ward name Rin and her friend Shippou. They grew up and married, having hanyou children of their own. You told me after we awoke that you took care of the family until the last descendent passed away with no children. How I had wished I could have taken pictures of all of these moments in your life.
You called the party far sooner than I had imagined. The next day our home was full of family, friends, and catered food. Click. A picture for every time the front door was opened. We greeted everyone kindly and I held your hand this time and hoped you could take from my strength, even if I was just barely hiding my depression. Click. You began telling everyone what was going on with your health and I captured every reaction and emotion.
Inuyasha seemed to be the most distraught of everyone, speaking his fears of being the last of the Inuyoukai clan and he was only a half demon. Click. His anger and red eyes would forever be there. You had insisted on inviting my family, even though I had already told my mother, saying that this was for everyone to be together. Click. She pulled you in for a bear hug. I showed them around the house, leaving the extra three rooms out of the tour. No one needed to know how large of an emptiness I would be left with.
Dinner ended with wine in the downstairs formal living room that we had incorporated a small library into. Click. I was sure to find some minuscule bit of joy in these moments. There was little conversation, everyone seemed to walk on eggshells around every subject pertaining to us as a couple. Click. If not joy, I would capture the awkwardness. We talked about work, asked if your brother was intending on marrying my cousin, and even spoke about renovations to the family shrine. Click. A few tears were spilt, but almost everyone attempted to keep a strong façade and offer any assistance we would need or want in the coming months. The small gathering made my heart yearn for more; more of something. Click. You were looking into the fireplace, mentally somehere other than here. My mother took a few pictures of us together before leaving.
We went to the doctors quite a few times as the weeks passed, constantly checking in and getting more biopsies done to test how fast the cancer was progressing. Every time we saw someone in a white lab coat, they just confirm my fears; this really was terminal cancer and you were not recovering. And I continued to take more photos. The drugs they prescribed were having adverse effects and doing more harm than good. They pointed at how much weight was lost and how sick you were looking. A couple of weeks and it looked like you were falling apart. A doctor we had seen suggested that we attempt chemotherapy but you would have to spend a day or two in the hospital with every injection.
The first injection was during the third week of July. We went in together, camera in hand. You were placed in a normal room with barely enough space for two chairs. Click. Now we could have the memory and room forever. The nurse came in and said the injection could be done in the room as soon as the doctor came around to sign some papers. We were in no rush. I had cuddled up next to you on your bed and we were talking quietly. Click. I took a photo of the nurse. She did not look too happy about the surprise candid shot.
You slept for a while afterwards and through two rounds of vital checks. I had never been through a hospital experience with anyone except you so even this second time here felt foreign. The nurses did not chat much, leaving it more professional without even a slight tasting of personalization. Click. Click. Click. A picture of your IV from the hook on the rack all the way to your arm. Another of the whole room. One more of the view out of the window. I climbed back into the bed with you and you pulled me close, obviously inhaling my scent. We left the next day and went home. You told me on the way that you were going to pay for a larger room. I rested my hand on your thigh from the driver's seat and gave it a little squeeze of reassurance. I hope that you knew I was never leaving. You spent the rest of the drive telling me not to make a fuss over things, but I would never listen. I ran to open your car door and the front door and settled you into your study. Click. I cooked and catered to you while you sat in your study doing paperwork, bringing you tea and blankets and anything else I could think of to make you happy. You said you were happy just to have me in your life. Click. I needed to see that moment forever. Such an outstanding man.
It was the beginning of August when they called again, saying that they had your room ready in the hospital large enough that I could have my own bed just in case. I missed your first appointment that month with an incapacitating head cold. I had stood up from the bed that morning and fallen over, dizziness completely over taking my entire being. The floor was nothing but a spiral of color that I could not set a hand down on. Click. You had taken another picture of me. Why at that moment when I probably looked worse than ever and was disoriented?
The dizziness was followed by a pounding headache. I had laid my forehead on anything cold I could find, praying the pain would subside. The bathroom was so far away and I needed to vomit. You carried me to the bathroom where I did nothing but dry heave, staying by me as long as you could until you absolutely had to leave for the hospital. Click. You took one more picture before you left saying that every moment was worth remembering. I listened to you leave the room before beginning to cry. I was suppose to be taking care of you and here I was lying on the bathroom floor, begging to go back to sleep until this sickness is over!
You had called my mother on the way to the hospital and she surprised me an hour later, asserting the fact that I needed to go to the doctors. We followed you to the hospital but I was taken through the hospital. My mother went to your room as my replacement, holding your hand through the first injection and promising I would be up in no time at all. Everything whizzed by, the nurses flying in and out of the room and the needles stuck into my arm. Were they asking questions? No lady, I was not having any symptoms before today. Yes I just woke up like this this morning. I asked to see you, told them you were also in the hospital. Some time passed and they said I was finally leaving the emergency room to go to a room. Through your string pulling, I was placed in the room with you except I had a hospital bed and an IV instead of resting on the bed they had originally laid out for me. Thank goodness you had such a large room to begin with. My mother left then, in search of the doctors to find my test results and to give us a tad bit of time. You pulled our beds together and pulled me up to your chest.
"Kagome." you spoke my name through a kiss to the top of my head, "I will always take care of you. No matter what happens. I love you."
"I love you too." I heaved, pulling myself across to the other side of your bed in time to vomit full force on the floor.
You rang for a nurse and rubbed circles on my back in an attempt to soothe my tight nerves. My eyes were closed and I saw green. Green with envy and with sickness. My brain was swishing and swirling inside of my head cavity but it was nothing compared to what you were going through. Still you comforted me through everything. The mess was cleaned quickly and a trashcan was set below me before the doctor walked in. I thought he was there for you but he had my test results.
"Ms. Higurashi." His voice was clear through the churning storm in my head. "We have your test results back from the emergency room.
I nodded against you, afraid to speak in fear of vomiting up bile again. You went from small circles to rubbing my whole back. Up and down. Up and down. I could see myself falling asleep to this. The brief thought that my mother had returned as well passed by me.
"There is absolutely nothing wrong." He took a deep breath. Nothing wrong with me? Then why was I so sick? "You are pregnant. Congratulations."
The world was at a stand still. I could see the hospital room from a third person point of view from the ceiling. Your hand had stopped and a shocked look passed over before you steeled your emotions again. The doctor had left the room to give us a moment. Pregnant? What was I going to do pregnant with you dying? How could life become more unfair? Had both of us not experienced enough heart ache for one life time? Apparently not because I throw up again as a reminder that there was life inside of me.
You kissed my head again. "I love you so very much Kagome. This is a surprise but a very well needed happiness to our life."
You saw this completely different. I could not shake the fear of being alone with a child but not you. You were excited to have me carry your child. I could hear sniffles from across the room; my mother was crying. What kind of emotions were held within those tears, I never did find out because when I asked she left the room. When she returned, I asked her to go back to the house and grab my camera.
It was the sixth of August as we laid in that hospital room and contemplated what we had just heard not even an hour before. Should I have spoken to you about my fears? I will never know because I never did. I let the silence stretch between us before a nurse came in to announce herself for shift change.
"I am scared, Sesshomaru." I whispered as quietly as I could even though it would not matter. I was lucky, however, and you were asleep by the time I decided to speak.
What had taken my mother so long to return to the hospital? I should have taken more pictures, captured more moments during our short amount of time together. I lifted myself gradually off of you, careful not to disturb you or my stomach. The IV fluids were finally calming my stomach down and I was going to try to eat some of the crackers left on my side table. Food was said to help with nausea and vomiting in pregnancy, right?
I had so much to learn from here on out. How was I going to take care of this child when I return to a photographer's wages? It seemed so much harder than it actually would be. My mother returned to see me nibbling on the saltines and handed me polaroid. Click. I captured her between a mix of emotions and confusion. She proceeded to tell me how rude I was for taking pictures that way. I tried to laugh her off but my stomach turned again. I crawled back onto your bed, needing your solidness. She took the camera from me while I moved and snapped a few pictures. Now I would have the first of many maternity pictures and one of us cuddling in a hospital bed with matching IVs. The camera was given back and I admired the way it fit into my hands. Click. The camera was turned on you in the most peaceful I had seen you in weeks.
Hope you enjoyed it!