Hi! Hope those of you who live in the US are having a nice Labor Day weekend. This is one of my favorite Season 3 episodes, so it was a fun chapter to write. Hope you enjoy and review if you want me to keep writing!

Chapter 65: Choke

"I can't believe this is happening," Rachel said. "In a matter of days the NYADA representative's going to be here and I'm going to sing for them."

"You're going to be amazing," Finn said. "I'm sure they'll just offer you a spot right then and there. Kurt too."

"And you've got your Actor's Studio audition coming up soon too," Rachel said. "I can't believe we'll be in New York together soon."

"It's so exciting," Finn said.

"It is," Rachel agreed. "You, me and Kurt in the greatest city on Earth, together."

"I wouldn't want it any other way," Finn said.

"Thanks again for helping me practice yesterday," Rachel said. "The whole practicing expressions thing you came up with was fun."

Finn laughed. "Well, I had fun doing it with you."

"I'm going to go practice my song now," Rachel said, giving Finn a kiss. "I love you."

"I love you too," Finn said as he kissed Rachel. When Rachel left, Finn saw Puck at his locker and was reminded of something he'd heard yesterday. He went up to Puck. "Hey, listen, man... I overheard you talking to that sophomore girl yesterday."

"Whoa, back off, dude, you've got a fiancée," Puck said. "Plus, I called dibs on all the chicks whose boobs aren't done growing yet."

"Not that, okay?" Finn said. "You guys were talking about graduation. You said you might not graduate. Dude, hear me out. I know you got your pool-cleaning business and everything, but even if college isn't your thing, it's still important to graduate. You gotta think ahead. Who knows, maybe one day you're gonna want to clean the White House pool or something."

Puck didn't look worried. "I appreciate the brovention, but I just told her that so I can get a sympathy pants massage. I'll be getting my diploma right next you. I'm doing good in auto, metal and wood shop. So, all I gotta do is pass Mrs. Doosenberry's European Geography test and I can graduate."

"Yeah, but how are you going to do that?" Finn asked.

"I got a plan," Puck said. "I may not be too good at world geography, but I'm real good at female geography. I'm gonna give Doosenberry a little P-U-C-K so I don't get an F."

This didn't seem right to Finn. He knew that Puck needed some help, so he sent a text to the other glee boys, except Kurt so he wouldn't be distracted from preparing for his NYADA audition, to meet him in the weight room the next day.

x

The next day, Finn arrived at the locker room, where Blaine, Sam, Mike, Artie, Rory and Joe already are. "Hey. I hear you guys talking a lot, but is anybody gonna mention what's missing, what's different here?"

"You finally shook the last five pounds. Dude, congrats!" Sam said as everyone applauded.

The boys really didn't know what was wrong? "No, no, no, no, no, no, no! It's Puck. He's not here. Dropped completely off the grid. Anybody notice that? Doesn't even log on to Call of Duty tourneys anymore," Finn told the group.

Artie looked shocked. "Oh, no."

"I'm going into full-blown prayer mode," Joe said.

"Look, we need to go all Black Hawk Down here," Finn continued. "All he needs to pass is that one test. Either we all graduate together or what was the point of all this? No man gets left behind. We will get him to pass. By any means necessary." Even though he and Puck had their ups and downs, he really cared about Puck, and he wanted him to graduate.

x

"So, you excited for your audition?" Blaine asked Rachel.

"Yes," Rachel said. "How's Music Of The Night going?" She knew Kurt was planning to do that song for his audition.

"Kurt actually changed his mind," Blaine said.

"What?" Rachel asked.

"Yeah," Blaine said. "He's doing Not The Boy Next Door now."

"When did he decide that?" Rachel asked.

"He just decided," Blaine said.

That was a very challenging song. Rachel had no doubts that Kurt would sound good on it - but NYADA probably had very high standards. She went to Kurt at his locker. "Excuse me. Um, this is insanity."

"Wait, why are you talking to me?" Kurt asked. "I thought you were saving your voice for your audition."

"No, I vowed not to speak with you unless William and Kate got pregnant, Liza passed or unless one of us was in grave danger," Rachel said.

Kurt looked worried. "Tell me Liza's okay."

"She's fine, but you're not," Rachel said. "Okay, I just talked to Blaine and he told me about Not The Boy Next Door. You cannot sing that for your NYADA your audition."

"I need to be excited about this, and this is the first time I've been inspired in this whole process," Kurt said.

"No, no, it's too controversial, okay? You can't wear Peter Allen's gold lamé pants," Rachel said.

"It was too controversial in 1962. Look, the play, and that song, won Hugh Jackman the Tony and NYADA is a Broadway school," Kurt protested.

Rachel was still worried. "Yes, but you haven't rehearsed it enough, okay? I'm not singing Don't Rain on my Parade because it's my go-to song and because it's impossible for me not to cry when I sing it, but because I have been belting out that song since I was two years old. All right, this is, this is the biggest, biggest moment of our lives here. We cannot be taking risks."

"Isn't that the exact moment to take a risk?" Kurt asked.

Rachel knew what was going on. "Kurt, can I be honest with you? I think this is self-sabotage. All right, you're scared you're not going to get in, so you're using something to blame just in case this all doesn't work out."

"Do you really think I'm doing that?" Kurt asked.

"Yeah," Rachel said. "I think you think you're not good enough. But you are good enough. Okay, you don't have to go and do some big, flamboyant number, all right? Music of the Night is your Don't Rain on My Parade."

"I'm torn. I have been practicing Phantom for the last three months," Kurt said.

"Yes! And-and I believe in you, and I believe that song. So much that I will be your Christine," Rachel said. Now that they both had numbers they were good at planned, there was no way they wouldn't be in New York together.

x

Finn had gathered the glee boys in the choir room to map out a plan for getting Puck to study. Finn had drawn out a plan on the whiteboard. "All right, everyone, listen carefully. Puck's scheduled to arrive at the Schneider's pool at 2:00 p.m., which means he should be there at 3:30. Sam, you're the driver, so stay in the car."

"Well, can I play with the radio?" Sam asked.

Finn didn't think that was necessary. "Rory, you're on lookout here."

"Who am I looking out for? I mean, besides Puck?" Rory asked.

"Blaine, Mike and myself will triangulate a very carefully planned attack on Puck here, here and here," Finn pointed.

"Is that a bear I'm hiding behind?" Blaine asked.

"No, no, it's a bush," Finn said.

"Looks like a bear," Blaine said.

Finn was getting tired of this. "It's not a bear."

"Maybe a shrub," Artie said.

"What's the difference between a shrub and a bush?" Sam asked.

"What do I do?" Artie asked.

Finn was glad for the bush discussion to stop. "Oh, that's the best part. You're going to be the bait. So, when Puck comes in the gate, you just roll your wheelchair into the pool, and all of a sudden, we..."

Then Puck came in, looking spooked. "Are you all right dude?" Mike asked.

"Yeah, look like you saw a ghost, man. What's up?" Finn asked.

"Just saw my dad," Puck said. "I haven't seen him in five years. He needed money so he can pay rent and he asked me for it."

"What did you do?" Finn asked.

"I gave it to him," Puck said. "500 bucks. That's most of my seed money for LA."

"I don't get it. Why?" Artie asked.

"Because I knew if I gave it to him, I'd never have to see him again. You know he dropped out of high school, too? Just kept seeing myself sitting where he was sitting, across from Beth- no dignity, no future- begging her for rent money. I cannot let that happen to me. I have to graduate. And to do that, I have to pass this damn European Geography test. Will you help me? Please?" Puck asked.

Finn was glad Puck had come around. "Never leave a man behind."

x

"Rachel!"

Rachel heard her dad's voice, and this was the voice he saved for big news. She went downstairs, taking a break from reading her scores, and saw both her dads sitting in the living room.

"Hi," Rachel said.

"Sweetheart, we wanted to tell you something," Hiram said. "We were just on the NYADA chatroom website and we now know who you'll be auditioning for."

"Okay," Rachel said. "Who is it?"

"Carmen Tibideaux," LeRoy said. "We know you know who that is..."

"Yes," Rachel said. "I knew that she was the dean now, but I didn't know she'd be the one to choose..."

"We've seen her on Broadway," LeRoy said. "She's amazingly talented. She'll recognize the great talent you and Kurt have."

Rachel had seen videos of Carmen Tibideaux on YouTube. She was one of the best singers Rachel had ever seen. Rachel's dads were right - she would know talent. But she'd worked with the best of the best. Would Rachel and Kurt be enough for her?

Rachel sent Finn a text. "Finn, I'm trying out for the dean of vocal performance and song interpretation!"

Finn replied to the text almost right away. "Oh my gosh. That's like the most prestigious person to audition for, right?"

"Yeah," Rachel texted back. "At first I thought it would just be a professor... but this?"

Rachel's dads clearly saw her texting Finn. "Honey, I'm sure it'll be fine," LeRoy said. But Rachel wasn't so sure.

x

The day of the audition, Kurt and Rachel stood backstage in the auditorium. Rachel hadn't told Kurt who they were auditioning for, but she figured he should know now. "So Kurt, you know how they say that knowledge is power?"

Kurt nodded.

"Okay, well, I got some last-minute intel about our NYADA adjudicator, and well, I don't want to make you any more nervous than you already are," Rachel began.

"Okay, now you have to tell me," Kurt said.

Rachel looked out the wings and saw the soon to be dean arriving. "It's Carmen Tibideaux."

Kurt gasped. "Carmen Tibideaux? She's one of NYADA's most famous and infamous alums. She's played Broadway. She's performed the most demanding roles in the greatest opera houses in the world. I think I'm going to throw up."

"Look, my dads have been trolling the NYADA chat rooms, and they said that she's been appointed dean of Vocal Performance and Song Interpretation, and now she's going across the country to pick out her own inaugural class," Rachel explained.

"Oh, Rachel, you know the stories of her wrath as well as I do," Kurt added. "Once, La Tibideaux stopped a performance of Medea at the Met because someone glanced at their watch while she was doing one of her 'I'm killing my babies' arias. She destroyed him. Do you think she's going to have any qualms about cutting us off if we displease her?"

Rachel had a feeling that Kurt was right. Carmen Tibideaux was tough. Then she heard Tibideaux call Kurt's name. "You're going to be amazing," Rachel told Kurt. "All right, I believe in you, and no one can sing this song better than you can."

"Even Michael Crawford?" Kurt asked.

"Go get 'em," Rachel said.

Kurt went on stage. "Hello. I'm Kurt Hummel, and I'll be performing Music of the Night from the seminal Phantom of the Opera by Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber. Which I bet you hear a lot of. That song."

Carmen Tibideaux didn't look up. "That, The Impossible Dream from La Mancha and Being Alive from Company, yes."

"It's a safe and standard choice," Kurt continued. "Which is why I've decided to change things up a bit. Here, in the 11th hour, I've decided to go in a different direction. Something that's a little more out there, but much more me. Not the Boy Next Door, from the Peter Allen bio-musical, The Boy from Oz."

Rachel started getting nervous as the music began. She'd told Kurt that this was a much riskier song choice than Music of the Night. As Kurt performed, she wondered why she'd been so nervous. This was one of the best solos Kurt had done so far.

Kurt: Comin' home used to feel so good
I'm a stranger now in my neighborhood
I've seen the world at a faster pace
And I'm comin' now from a diff'rent place
Though I may look the same way to you
Underneath there is somebody new
I am not the boy next door
I don't belong like I did before
Nothin' ever seems like it used to be
You can have your dreams, but you can't have me
Oh, I can't come back there anymore
'Cause I am not the boy next door
You've been savin' those souvenirs,
Faded photographs from our foolish years
We made plans, but they're wearin' thin
And they don't work out 'cause I don't fit in
And those mem'ries will just weigh me down
'Cause I got no place to keep 'em uptown
I am not the boy next door
I don't belong like I did before
Nothin' ever seems like it used to be
You can have your dreams, but you can't have me
Oh, I can't go back there anymore
'Cause I am not the boy next door
I'm not sorry for just bein' me
But if you'd look past the past you could see
That I am not
The boy next door
Nothin' ever seems like it used to be
You can have your dreams, oh, but you can't have me
I can't go back there anymore
'Cause I am not
I am not
I am not the boy next door

At the end of Kurt's performance, Rachel watched Carmen Tibideaux take a few notes. "You know, Hugh Jackman won a Tony Award for playing Peter Allen," she finally spoke. "Hugh trained with me the summer I was in residence at the Sydney Opera House, and I'm certain that he would have been as impressed with what you did with that song as I am. A bold choice, young man. I congratulate you for taking such a risk today."

Rachel applauded Kurt as she went backstage to wait her turn. "Millions of moments have led up to this moment. All you have to do is just be yourself because you're a star."

"I'll second that," Rachel heard Finn say. She turned and walked over to Finn, who handed her some flowers. "You nervous?"

"Oddly enough, not at all," Rachel lied. "I'm ready."

Then Rachel heard her name. She gave Finn a hug and then went on the stage. "Hi. I'm Rachel Berry, and I'll be singing Don't Rain on My Parade from my favorite musical, Funny Girl." The music began as Rachel began singing.

Rachel: Don't tell me not to live
Just sit and putter
Life's candy and the sun's a ball of butter
Don't bring around a cloud
To rain on my parade
Don't tell me not to fly
I've simply got to
Life's candy and the sun's a...

Oh no. She'd started to sing the wrong line. That had never happened. She'd been working on this song since she was little. "I'm so sorry. I'm so, so, so sorry. Please, let me just start over one more time. I'm sorry. Please just start over again one more time." The music started again.

Rachel: Don't tell me not to live
Just sit and putter
Life's candy and the sky's a...

Oh no. This time she'd sang the wrong word, and even earlier in the song. To avoid looking at Carmen Tibideaux, she looked at Finn, Kurt and Blaine in the audience. "Oh God," Finn gasped.

"This isn't happening," Kurt said.

Rachel didn't know what to say now. "I'm... I'm so sorry. I don't know... I know this song backwards. I know this... Okay. Please, let me just do it one more time. I can start it over one more time."

"No," Tibideaux said. "You get eight bars. I gave you 16. Do you know what happens when you forget the words on Broadway? They give the job to your understudy. I'm very sorry, but this audition is over." She started leaving.

Rachel started to cry. "No, please...please, please, please. You have to believe me. You just have to... please just give me one more chance, please. Please. Please."

Finn, Kurt and Blaine came up on the stage. "She should have given you another chance," Blaine said.

"I don't know what happened," Rachel sobbed as she collapsed into Finn's arms. "I know that song. "I've been singing it since I was little..."

"That was like a one in a million," Kurt said. "That wasn't the real Rachel Berry."

"What's going to happen to me now?" Rachel asked. It was pretty late in the year. Would other schools still take applications? As she cried against Finn, she couldn't help but think about what a disappointment she was to everyone. Her dads had been hoping her whole life that she'd become a Broadway star. She'd be proving the people who called her a loser right.

"I just want to go home," Rachel mumbled. She looked at Finn, Kurt and Blaine. "You guys go out and celebrate. Kurt, you were amazing up there and I want you to focus on that." She started to leave the auditorium, afraid to face her dads.

x

"You go be with her," Kurt said to Finn as Rachel left.

"She seems to want to be alone right now," Finn said. Of course he wanted to be with her, but Rachel had told him to go celebrate with Kurt and Blaine...

"She thinks she does, but she needs you," Blaine said.

"Okay," Finn said. "Just so you know, I thought you were incredible, Kurt. You'll get in for sure."

"I just wish she were coming with me," Kurt said.

"We'll figure something out," Finn said. He drove to Rachel's house and knocked on the door when he saw Rachel's car in the driveway. Rachel's dads came to the door. "Hi Finn," LeRoy said. "How was Rachel's audition?"

Rachel's car was there, but she hadn't gone inside? Where was she? Finn sighed as he explained what happened to Rachel's dads, then went to Rachel's car and saw her sitting in there. Rachel looked up when she saw Finn. "Hey."

"Hey," Finn said. "I had a feeling you wouldn't want to tell your dads, so I told them."

"Thank you Finn," Rachel mumbled.

"Let's go inside," Finn said as he led Rachel inside.

When they got inside, Rachel's dads looked at her. "You deserve another chance," Hiram said.

"No, I don't," Rachel said. "She let me start over again and I bombed."

"I think Rachel and I need some time to ourselves," Finn said.

"Okay," Hiram said. "We're downstairs if you need us."

Rachel and Finn went upstairs to Rachel's room. "I don't know what's wrong," Rachel said. "I'm such a disappointment."

"No, you're not," Finn said.

"My dads were already planning out my whole Broadway career," Rachel said.

"You can still get on Broadway," Finn said.

"Yeah, what if I mess up at my auditions?" Rachel asked.

"I know you," Finn said. "That was like a one in a million type thing. I don't know how it happened."

"Neither do I," Rachel said. "And all the people who've been calling me a loser for eighteen years will be proven right."

"You're not a loser," Finn said. He hated when Rachel called herself that.

"What am I going to do next year?" Rachel asked. "I doubt that any of the schools will take me after what happened. I guess I could just stay here and prepare for auditioning next year..."

"You're going to find something," Finn said. "We're going to be in New York, together."

Rachel started crying again as Finn held her close. He knew that right now that was all she needed.

x

Rachel didn't want to have to come back to school after what had happened.

She'd asked Finn, Kurt and Blaine to tell the glee club about her audition so she wouldn't have to. She'd taken the day after the audition off to be with her dads. Finn had come by, but she didn't want to impose him and told him to go help the other boys help Puck study for his tests. Rachel tried to lay low at school, but shortly after she arrived, Kurt came up to her locker. "Can I just say, for the record, that Carmen Tibideaux is a total bitch. I mean, she should've let you start over."

"She did," Rachel pointed out.

"I mean, a second time. You killed the beginning of that song. I wouldn't be surprised if you got accepted just from that," Kurt said.

Rachel didn't need to be given false hope. "Kurt, I really appreciate what you're trying to do, but... we both know what happened. All right? I had my chance, and I choked. I choked on a song that I've been singing my entire life. And now it's over, and there's no one to blame but me. You were amazing, though. You were. I mean, you went with your gut, and you were better than you've ever been. You and Finn are gonna be great in New York together."

Kurt looked worried. "Well, you're coming, too. Of course you're coming. Even if it doesn't work out with NYADA, you'll find..."

Rachel felt the tears coming back. "Could we just not talk about this anymore, please? It's just... I haven't... I haven't slept in like two days, and I just am tired really tired of talking about it, okay?"

Kurt gave Rachel a hug. "I love you, Rachel Berry."

"I love you too," Rachel said.

Rachel went back to the auditorium, the place where it had all come crashing down. She may have gotten the words wrong at her audition, but she was going to be singing again at Nationals in few weeks. And she needed to get her voice back. And there was a song that she knew the words to that was perfect for right now. So she began to sing.

Rachel: If anyone asks,
I'll tell them we both just moved on
When people all stare
I'll pretend that I don't hear them talk
Whenever I see you,
I'll swallow my pride
and bite my tongue
Pretend I'm okay with it all
Act like there's nothing wrong
Is it over yet?
Can I open my eyes?
Is this as hard as it gets?
Is this what it feels like to really cry?
Cry!
If anyone asks,
I'll tell them we just grew apart
And what do I care
If they believe me or not
Whenever I feel
Your memory is breaking my heart
I'll pretend I'm okay with it all
Act like there's nothing wrong
Is it over yet?
Can I open my eyes?
Is this as hard as it gets?
Is this what it feels like to really cry?
Cry!
I'm talking in circles
I'm lying, they know it
Why won't this just all go...
...Away!
Is it over yet?
Can I open my eyes?
Is this as hard as it gets?
Is this what it feels like to really cry?
Cry!
Cry!

Rachel looked up and saw Finn in the auditorium. "Wow, that was great," Finn said.

"I just had to get my feelings out," Rachel admitted. "And get my voice back. I messed up my future, but I don't want to mess up Nationals for everyone." She tried to take the focus off herself. "How did things go with getting Puck ready for his test?"

"He said he thought he did well," Finn said.

"That's good," Rachel said. "You're a really good friend, Finn."

"So are you," Finn said. "Everyone was asking about you in glee when you weren't there."

Rachel managed to smile. It was good to know that people cared about her.

"Are you okay?" Finn asked.

"Not right now," Rachel said. "But I will be."

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