*Red vs Blue theme played, then The Booth, complete with Doc and Chi, appeared. * "Regenengel3 still doesn't own us, RvB, or our gear," the two said in perfect synchronicity.
"I'm Doc."
"You know who I am."
"We're still your hosts."
"On with the show! Take it away MG!"
{Show Four: Meet the Femmes}
They tumbled through the portal and landed in a jumbled heap in front of... they weren't too sure who. They were a bit preoccupied with shouting, shoving, and trying to get up to notice just who was staring at them. "Alright, that's it, everyone, stop moving!" Dex bellowed. Having worked with the large Hawaiian long enough to know what he was like when truly angry, everyone froze. "Thank you. Rick, roll to your... left," he directed. The maroon agent did as he was told and fell free of the tangle, swiftly regaining his feet and beginning a check of all his various knives.
"Thank you Dex," he said, almost as an afterthought. Dex snorted.
"You're welcome," he snarked. "Now, Caboose. Sit up, then get off us." The simple soldier managed to follow directions and was soon standing to the side. "Red, to the right." With some slight grumbling, the Texan did as he was directed. "And Eagle..."
"I see it," the man said, already moving.
"Good. That leaves me free to do this!" Dex said, grabbing Tucker's arm and flinging him off, using the momentum to pull himself up, before dragging the man back and punching him in the face.
"Ah-how!" the cyan soldier yelped. Dex scoffed at him.
/*/
"Ywoch! I had nearly forgotten that Dex was so brutal," Doc said with a wince.
"Ah, but Tucker's tougher than most give him credit for. He's good," Chi said, waving the violence off. Doc sighed.
"Why did I ever agree to host you?" he moaned.
/*/
"You deserved that, and more now I think of it," the weapons expert muttered darkly. That was when their audience started to clap.
"Well done soldier. What's your name?" an unfamiliar, but distinctly female, voice asked. Dex turned, pulling up his magnum to point at the woman in bright red armor.
"You first," he growled, then dodged a blast of buckshot from Red. "And what's your problem Red?" he asked, rounding on the older man.
"That's no way to treat a lady Grif!" Red declared. Dex groaned.
"Oh, we're back to this then? Brilliant," he muttered, then shot him in the face with...
/*/
"Ha ha! In your face Red!" Chi cheered.
"Well, that's what those rounds were meant for," Doc said, shaking his head at Dex's almost juvenile actions.
/*/
"Uh... Dex... did you just shoot Red with... glitter?" Tucker asked, gobsmacked. Dex turned to him, mildly incredulous.
"Tucker... I've had glitter rounds since Sidewinder. Get with the program man," he said.
"But... but... Where did you get those?" Tucker asked, completely ignoring the women surrounding them, which was odd enough all on its own but coupled with the re-emergence of glitter rounds, it just served to highlight the strangeness of the event. "I didn't know they made those!"
"They don't. I do," Eagle said, clearly smirking. "They make excellent training tools, distractions, and let us not forget... pranks!"
"Hey... you guys are... more like I remember you to be," Church said, causing everyone to turn to him at once.
"Tucker..." Dex growled, right fist clenching. The cyan armored soldier behind him started inching toward the nearest door as the weapons expert slowly rounded on him. When the man began to advance, fist moving up, Tucker broke out into a run. "Yes, that's it, make it fun for me. Run~!" Dex purred dangerously before he took off after the Blue.
/*/
"Okay, now I feel sorry for the guy," Chi said, wincing as Dex chased Tucker through the... "Hey, is that a base, or a hotel?"
"It's... Red Base after being excavated and then renovated," Doc said, reading off a data pad.
"When'd you get that?" Chi asked, just noticing it.
"Just now. Popped up like regenengel3 does," Doc said. Chi shrugged.
"Author powers, gotta love em," he remarked. "Now back to the show!"
/*/
"I'M SORRY!" Tucker's scream echoed back to the main group.
"NOT GOOD ENOUGH!" came Dex's bellow. Rick cringed when he heard the unmistakeable sounds of furniture being upturned and vases being broken as Dex chased Tucker. And then the screams of pain began and everyone shuddered.
"Right... well... they're going to be a while," Rick said, drawing everyone's attention. "What do you say to a round of introductions? We can get around to explanations when Dex is through torturing Tucker and then patching him back up."
"Wait wait wait... that Red guy called the orange one 'Grif' right? Why?" the first woman, the one in red, asked. Rick turned to her with a smirk tugging at his lips.
"Well, that would be because Grif is Dex's family name," he said, then held up his hand swiftly to cut off their questions before tugging his helmet off. "I am Captain Rick Simmons of the New Republic of Chorus, also known as Agent Maroon of Project Red. This is my brother-in-arms, Captain Frank Doughnut of the Federal Army of Chorus."
"I am also known as Eagle Eye or Agent Burgundy of Project Red. Call me Doughnut and it won't be glitter on you visor," Eagle said, stepping up and chambering a rather deadly round in his sniper rifle. Rick cleared his throat and gave the sniper a pointed look, prompting the younger man to groan and also remove his helmet. "Happy?" he asked, cornflower blue eyes glaring and short golden blond hair standing in messy spike from its time in his helmet. Rick's smirk told him all he needed to know.
"I'm Captain Red of the Federal Army of Chorus, also known as Agent Red of Project Red," Red said, also removing his helmet before giving a salute.
"I am Micheal J Caboose, and I hate fractions!" the dark blue soldier said, snapping up his version of a salute.
"It's 'factions' you idiot!" Dex bellowed, dragging a moaning Tucker behind him.
/*/
"Ha! Good one Dex!" Doc cheered, though Chi could tell he was a little queasy from the battering Tucker had received from the large man.
/*/
"Those too," Caboose agreed with a nod.
"Uh..." the woman in orange began, but Dex cut her off.
"Ignore the idiot, it's easier that way. I'm Captain Dexter Grif of the New Republic of Chorus, but I prefer being referred to as either Captain or Dex," he said. "Oh, I'm also known as Agent Orange, Senior Agent of Project Red," he added, dropping Tucker and sketching a rough bow to the assembly. Seeing his team was helmet-less, he also forwent the headgear. His dark brown hair was also sweaty and mussed from his helmet, but it only served to accentuate his strong jaw and stormy amber eyes.
"And the moaning pile of cyan armor is Captain Lavernius Tucker, but we all just call him Tucker," Rick said, motioning to the aforementioned pile of armor.
"Dang but Grif makes a hot guy!" the woman in pink couldn't help but say. Dex quirked an eyebrow.
"I'm not too sure I want to know," he muttered darkly. Rick chuckled.
"Hey, at least you made it back before we finished introductions. They haven't even started!" he said, motioning toward the soldiers who hadn't tumbled through the portal with them. Dex huffed and crossed his arms, eyes daring the others to speak. Naturally, it was Sarge who did so first.
"I'm Red Sargent Sarge," she said, removing her helmet, as was apparently the trend when introducing one's self. She looked like Red's twin sister with law length sliver hair and a small scar above her left eye. Dex couldn't help but look from the female to his own Sarge. Glancing toward Rick, he was relieved to see he wasn't the only one beginning to see the humor in their situation.
"Private Rachel Simmons, First Class," the woman in maroon said, taking off her helmet to reveal cascading red hair. Now it was Rick who was receiving the looks and Dex couldn't hold it anymore. He fell to the ground, arms wrapped around his waist, cackling even harder than when they'd pranked Freelancer Command. Rick scowled and kicked his friend in the ribs, but this only made him laugh harder. Eagle and Red, however, were able to notice 'Rachel' stiffening. It was slight, but it was fairly clear she was getting uncomfortable.
"Oh shut up Dex, something tells me you're next," the tech snarled. Dex didn't care, but he did pull himself up to his knees, though mirth still danced in his eyes.
"Yeah... but th HAHA! This is gonna ke HA! Keep me laughing for HAHAHAAA~! Weeks!" he wheezed out. The woman in orange huffed and pulled her helmet off, revealing long nut brown hair, flawless tan skin, and unamused amber eyes. The fact that she was plus sized didn't really take too much away... at least in Rick's opinion. Seeing his teammate's considering look, Dex kicked his legs out from under him.
"ACK!" he screamed, landing heavily on his back. Dex grinned down at him.
"That's for checking my counterpart out, perv," he chortled before turning back to the woman. "Forgive him, he's a genius when it comes to tech, but he's only a step up from hopeless when it comes to women." The female shrugged.
"Eh, it was better than what I'm sure Tucker does when he sees me. Or, rather, anything remotely female," she said. "Name's Kaimana, Private Kaimana Grif, First Class."
"Huh. Weird," Dex said, shaking his head. Kaimana gave him a curious look. "That's my middle name," Dex told her.
"Is it now?" Rick drawled. Dex punched him. "OW!" Eagle laughed at the pair and sauntered up to the girl in pink.
"Might I try to guess your name, little sister?" he asked, bright blue eyes sparklingly with humor. She shrugged.
"Yeah, sure, whatever," she said.
"Francine Delana Doughnut, right?"
"Wow. You got it right on the first try, Frankie," she said, crossing her arms. He shrugged, an easy smile on his face.
"Well my full name is Franklin Delano Doughnut. It only makes sense for you to have the female version, right?" he said, dancing out of the way of her clumsy swipe. "Whoa! Easy there tiger!"
"Jerk," Francine muttered, once more crossing her arms.
"Helmet," Sarge barked. Doughnut sighed, but took off her helmet to show a round face, the same cornflower blue eyes as her male counterpart, and messy, spiky, dark blond hair.
"Okay! Now that we all know what everyone looks like and we've established that yes, these women are our female counterparts, can we get to the question of why we're in this fancy hotel, spa, place?" Dex asked.
/*/
"And here we have our first group wondering how they got to this bizarre world and how they could get back to a universe that makes sense," Chi said, an applause tape playing.
"Poor guys, we're not quite done with them," Doc said, sounding genuinely sorry for them.
"Ah who cares! This is fun~!" Chi sang. Doc gave him what was probably supposed to be a glare but was destroyed by the full face helmet he wore.
/*/
Everyone was gathered in the 'entertainment room' and sitting on the floor, ready to talk things through, when Tucker spoke up. "Whoa, hey! This place is a lot bigger on the inside than it is on the outside!"
/*/
Chi flickered and growled. "Reference sense tingling again?" Doc asked gently.
"Seriously, it's like you guys like to play chopsticks on the thing," Chi ground out.
"Like Piano Cat?"
"GAH! Stop that!" Chi snapped. Doc chuckled and turned back to the camera.
"And now back to the show."
/*/
Dex grinned a rather dastardly grin. "I know that look, that's a nasty look," Rick remarked, though he was smirking in much the same fashion.
"Watch and learn, oh brother mine, watch and learn," the weapons expert said, snapping his helmet back into place. The orange accents vanished and the visor returned to orange. The Hawaiian stepped out to lean against a pillar and modulated his voice to match his female counterpart. "Tucker! Oi, Tucker! Come here, I have a few new moves I'd like to show you!" he called. Kaimana gaped and Rick though that if she'd been drinking, she would have done a spit take.
"Well that doesn't sound kinky at all," she remarked, regaining some form of composer. Rick and Eagle chuckled.
"Aye, yer a Grif alright," the tech said, giving her a devious grin. She grinned back while Simmons whimpered and shrank back a little. "Wait... are you bad with men?" Rick asked his counterpart curiously. Kaimana snorted.
"Why do you think she's the one in charge of base security? As soon as she recognizes someone's a man, she freezes up. With you guys, it's just taken a little longer to set in. Shock and all that," Kaimana replied with a shrug. Rick sighed and ran a hand through his hair.
"I was the same way with women to be honest. But one of the most terrifying women in the galaxy came along and taught me I didn't have to be afraid, that I had value. It changed my life," he said, then looked over to where Dex was waiting for Tucker, who had reacted with shock and confusion before hurrying to find his way down to where they were from the balcony. One which didn't involve falling from three stories up. "We don't have the most dangerous man in the galaxy here... but Dex is pretty close. When he's done messing with your world's Tucker, I could ask him to help you out... if you'd like," Rick said. Rachel looked over at him, considering his words, then sighed.
"I don't like being scared all the time. Especially when our enemy is an all male team," she said. He smiled gently at her.
"I understand. But for now," his smile turned predatory, "I'm gonna watch Dex screw Tucker's head on backwards before drop-kicking him through the door!"
"Don't think that's gonna help with her man-phobia Rick," Eagle calmly pointed out, eating popcorn. Rick blinked. Red blinked. Grif blinked. Simmons blinked. Sarge blinked. Doughnut blinked. Church blinked.
/*/
Doc blinked.
Chi blinked.
They shared a look.
"Regenengel3?" Doc asked.
"Regenengel3," Chi agreed.
"Didn't she pull the same thing just before the Crew stormed Command?"
"Yup. And something tells me this won't be the last time," the A.I. confirmed. Doc sighed.
"Authors," he sighed.
"Young adults trying to write humor," Chi countered.
"Ah. Yeah. Point to you," Doc said before turning his attention back to the Femmes. And Dex.
/*/
"I'm not even gonna ask," Rick said, turning back to Dex. Eagle grinned, popping another kernel into his mouth. Tucker finally made it to where they were, then froze.
"Wait... weren't you a chick an hour ago?" he asked. Dex chuckled, voice modulator still in effect.
"Nope~!" he said.
"Okay, that's creepy," Tucker said, backing away.
"Aw~! Don't be like that Tucker~!" Dex sang, stalking up to him. "I really do have a few new moves I'd like to show you," he said.
"Too creepy!" Tucker yelled before turning tail and running, Dex hot on his heels, deep dark laughter echoing out of his helmet. A moment later, Tucker was sailing back into the main lobby and Dex was once more slowly stalking his prey.
"Ya know," he said, voice slowly fading back to normal, "I've always thought uncertainty was an effective armor. Make your opponent unsure of you, make them underestimate you, and then, when the moment is right..." Dex stopped suddenly before the frozen soldier, clapping his hands in front of his downed target and yelling "BAM", making Tucker jump slightly. "You strike and you strike hard. They go down without ever knowing what hit 'em." All eyes were on Dex, captivated by his speech.
/*/
Doc was a bit surprised. "Who knew Dex could be such a riveting public speaker," he remarked. Chi chuckled.
"The people of Chorus?" he asked. Doc inclined his head to the A.I.
"Touche."
/*/
"But, there are times, when uncertainty needs to be stripped away and cold, hard, truth must be revealed. When one must be confronted with the enormity of their actions, their inadequacy, and feel the full brunt of the terror being faced with a superior opponent can inspire. I am Captain Dex of the New Republic of Chorus, and I am not happy," Dex finished, putting his visor up to Tucker's.
"Chilling," the other Tucker remarked dully, arms crossed behind his counterpart, who swiftly turned to see his doppelganger.
"Ah! Captain Flowers came back to life!" Tucker screamed, scrabbling away. The male Reds laughed while Captain Tucker frowned.
"That's really not funny guys. He's basically calling me an ex-Freelancer," he said. Rick shrugged.
"Honestly, I'd take being compared to Flowdie as a compliment," he said, relaxing back into the couch. Dex sighed and stepped back, armor reverting to Agent Mode.
"Oi Caboose! Get down here buddy!" he called, using Church's voice. The A.I. jerked slightly, turning to the Red in surprise.
"Why are you using my voice?" he asked. Dex took his helmet back off and grinned at him.
"So that Caboose would actually listen to me. You're the only one he really listens to ya know," he said, taking a seat beside Rick.
/*/
"It gets kinda boring here, so this is where this Show ends," regenengel3 said, popping up in her seat. Doc jumped with an unmanly 'gah!'
"Regenengel3! Where have you been this whole show?" Chi asked. She grinned.
"Backstage of course. Who do you think delivers all those randomly appearing notebooks and buckets of popcorn? Not to mention all the breakables for Dex and Tucker to smash into. You think those were just there?" she answered. Doc hauled himself up until he could rest his elbows on the table.
"Please don't do that. I'm not sure how much more my pride can take!" he moaned. Regenengel3 gave him a dull look.
"Last time I popped up you were as chill as a cucumber in November. What gives?" she asked blandly.
"You lulled me into a false sense of security. Shame on you. Shame," Doc declared in a dire tone. The young woman rolled her eyes.
"Sure you weren't in the theater club in high school?" she asked.
"As amusing as this conversation slash verbal beat down could potentially be, can we wrap up this Show?" Chi cut in before the two could get into heated discussion. Regenengel3 nodded and vanished.
"I need a rootbeer," Doc muttered darkly to himself before he straightened. "And that concludes Show Number Four! Tune in next time to see what happens when the decent members of Project Freelancer all show up in Valhalla!" he said before walking out the door, Chi dragged along with him.
/?/
A/N: Right. Same deal as the last one. If I get a plot bunny attack me or a decent number of people wanting more Femmes I'll write it. That said, next up: more JEMC!