Wednesday, May 16th, 1900
Dear Hazel,
I hardly know how to write this, but it's supposed to help. At least, Spot says so. Anyway, I always trusted you, and I needed to write you anyway, so here goes. I hope you won't judge me after reading this.
First off, I am sorry I haven't written. I am sure you've heard by now that Papa died. I miss him so much every day. He was always there for me with advice and answers. I never knew how much I needed to learn about the world until he was gone. Things went kind of crazy after that. Spot and Red were there when the accident happened, and they moved me into the Newsboys Lodging House pretty quickly. It sounds weird and maybe immoral, living with a bunch of boys like that, but it wasn't like that. I had my own room, and I was just there for one night before things changed.
The police wanted to come and take my things and put me in an orphanage. That's why I went to the newsies. But they found me and even came to work to get me. I was scared, so Mr. Santorelli, my boss, took me to his apartment. He kept me hidden there for five weeks. While I was there, he did things to me-bad things. Spot says none of it was my fault, but it sure feels like it was. I guess I just went along with it because I thought I should. Eventually, though, I ran away and lived on the streets-until this past Sunday. That's when Spot found me, and he brought me back to Brooklyn. I am back in my room at the newsies lodging house now, and yesterday Spot took me to see his friend Mr. Donovan. He's a lawyer, and he is going to help us. I dont really understand it all, but Spot does, and I trust him.
And now we get to the real reason for my letter. You see, Spot thinks I need to write you to talk through what Mr. Santorelli did to me, and maybe I do. But I'm not ready for that yet. In fact, I'm not really ready for anyone to know about it. I really want to talk through Spot, though. You were always the person I could talk to about things like that.
After what happened I don't think I will ever have a normal life. Nobody will want me, and I can understand that. I don't deserve a normal relationship. But I can't help myself. I still want it. I wish I could go back in time-back to before Papa died. Back then I thought maybe Spot would want that with me. And if not Spot, maybe I could find someone almost as amazing as he is. But now I doubt it will ever happen. Who wants a used up person like me?
But here's the thing. Spot kissed me yesterday and again today. He knows about everything that happened, and he kissed me anyway. I really wanted him to. He makes my insides all mushy when he does that. But I can't keep expecting that. I realize now how much I care about him, and I want him to find someone worthy of him, but it hurts that I am not that girl. He has been so wonderful these last few days and even weeks. I'd be lost without him. I always want to know what he thinks about things. I want his advice. I love it when we tease each other. He makes me feel safe and happy and good about myself. I wish it could be like that forever.
I guess what I am saying is that I really care about him. I have always loved him in a way, and now I wonder if I might not even love him the way I should have before everything. But I don't deserve him, and I don't think he'll ever love me that way now. So is it wrong to kiss him? Or to let him kiss me? I'm not really sure why he wants to; I know he has a reputation and all, but it doesn't feel like it's like that. They're just little kisses, so it's okay, right?
Spot wants to be a lawyer. He's going to be a rich man someday when that happens. I want to help him along the way, and right now he is paying for me from his savings. That makes me uncomfortable. I am going to pay him back so that he can achieve his dream. See, that's the other reason I can't think of a future with Spot. When he's rich and fancy, he won't want a girl like me. So I think I want to find a job further away-maybe Manhattan. Maybe even somewhere further away, somewhere I can live on a farm and work with horses all the time. Maybe some farmhand somewhere would even want a girl like me someday.
Anyway, not just yet. I need to find a way to pay Spot and the other boys back first. And I would really love your advice. I haven't spoken to Ingrid about any of this yet. I don't know if I want her knowing what happened to me and what kind of girl I've become. For now you can still write to me at the Newsboys Lodging House on Poplar Street. Just address anything to Cat Smith. I miss you. Let me know how things are in St. Louis.
Forever your friend,
Katja
I signed the letter with a flourish. Spot and I had talked about my writing it over lunch, and while it helped, I don't know if it was what Spot had in mind. I think he wanted me to write about Santorelli and everything that had happened. But I wasn't ready for that yet. Maybe next letter. Maybe with Ingrid. I knew it was only a matter of time, what with Mr. Donovan and all, but for now I just didn't want anyone to know about it.