Chapter 5: Familiar Obstacles

Sokka seemed to be surrounded by busy people. Aang, Zuko, and his father were all tied up in meetings with the generals more often than he believed any of them wanted to be. Suki kept herself busy in other ways. When she wasn't training, she was spending time with Katara and Gran Gran. It made going to see Gran Gran almost impossible. Still, the day for Suki finally came on a quiet morning. It was a considerably less foggy day than when Zuko arrived, thankfully. The female soldiers and a few of the male soldiers were there to see her off, along with Gran Gran, Aang, Katara, Zuko, and Hakoda. Zuko was observing from behind the others with Sokka. Sokka was there for moral support only, still keeping his promise not to talk to her.

"Women," Zuko said with a little smile.

Sokka just looked at him.

"Can't live with them, can't… Wait… You're a woman." The Fire Lord coughed and looked away and became oddly tense.

Sokka returned to watching his family give Suki her farewell. It made Sokka nervous and not just because his betrothed was leaving. It was the atmosphere. The finality of it. He tried his best to convince himself that it was all in his head. Then the time came. The fisherman came and told Suki that it was time to go. The boat that would be transporting Suki back to Kyoshi Island was small, dwarfed beside the Fire Nation ship on the next dock over. As she boarded the ship, she stopped and looked back at the crowd, specifically at Sokka. Sokka held up his hand. She turned and stepped onto the boat. The group of people continued shouting their good-byes for a few minutes as the boat slowly drifted away into the sea. After a while, the group began to disperse. Sokka remained for a while longer, just staring out and watching the boat get smaller and smaller. There should be a feeling, but Sokka felt nothing. Was that normal? Clenching his chest, he was certain a pain should be coming from there, but all he felt was numbness. It was unnatural. Maybe he's had time to come to terms with it? Was two weeks really long enough? Perhaps he had already come to terms with this disaster months ago. Probably the first time he ever had to bandage his chest. He still used bandages, but Katara had taught him how to bandage for support rather than having a vain attempt at stopping the inevitable. As such, when Sokka looked down, he clearly saw his breasts—it was still jarring. He made sure to look down as little as possible.

Then it happened. He thought in passing about whether or not he would ever see Suki again. Sure, they had agreed to meet at an unspecified time, but would it ever happen? She didn't seem interested in continuing to have a relationship as he was now. Gripping his tunic, his brows descended in frustration as tears began pouring out. He sobbed bitterly and wiped the tears with his sleeve.

"I need to talk to Yue. I need to turn back." Sokka said out loud to no one in particular.

"Then we should set out as soon as possible," Zuko said, still beside Sokka.

Sokka looked up at the Fire Lord. Zuko was standing there not in the official way he regarded Sokka when he first came to the village. Instead, he looked out at the boat and then down at Sokka with a smile. It was clear that he decided to stay beside Sokka as a friend. For whatever reason, this made Sokka even more overcome with emotion. Zuko, without a word, took Sokka into his arms with one fluid motion and held him close. Without any thoughts of pride or honor as a man to cloud his mind, Sokka cried into Zuko's chest. It was an odd moment for the man turned woman. Crying was always seen as a weakness, but in that moment, it was strangely empowering to be able to allow himself to feel. To express himself. To allow the emotions to flow out of him. It was more than just Suki. It was the whole situation. All of the bitterness, frustration, and anger that bottled up inside of him during the two years he kept his changing body a secret. It all came out in an eruption of tears. It was also in that moment that Sokka came to realize that a bond had formed between Zuko and himself. A bond that was forged from the raw emotion of that moment.

Suddenly, Zuko pulled Sokka way just enough to look down into his eyes. "I will get you to the Northern Water Tribe, Sokka."

Soon after, it was decided that the Fire Lord would be setting out tomorrow. His guards and the ship's crew took the announcement in stride, but those of the village took it with surprise. The generals in particular thought of it as insulting to leave so quickly. They were beginning to annoy Sokka, honestly. They were only coming up with excuses to continue hating Zuko. Hakoda managed to talk to them, though. He seemed to understand the plight of his child a lot better than anyone else in the village—especially Katara.

Katara and Sokka were seated on a snowy hill just outside of the village. They got a good view of the sparring arena from up here. Sokka was watching a sparring match between Yukara and a male soldier with interest. She was losing, but not as much as she would have a week earlier. She was learning quickly.

"I just think that it's a little selfish," Katara said, "Zuko is a very busy man these days. He shouldn't be the subject of your whims."

Sokka turned to look at his sister and said, "My whims? This isn't a little thing, Katara. I need to figure this out and Zuko was the one who volunteered to help. He was doing it as a friend, not as the Fire Lord."

Nodding, Katara said, "I understand that: but as his friend, you should have realized what it meant to take his time away from being the Fire Lord."

"I know what you mean," Sokka said, putting a hand on his shoulder. He could still feel the strength of Zuko's arms around him. "I do know what you mean, but he was insistent."

"But why?" Katara asked. "I get wanting to help out a friend, but why would he push the issue?"

Sokka's cheeks burned a bit. "I don't know."

Katara gave a light smile and shrugged. "Whatever. I guess that's normal."

Perking up, Sokka asked, "What's normal?"

"Well, you're a woman now," Katara said.

Sokka narrowed his eyes at her. "I don't like where this is going."

Katara gave her brother's shoulder a few light pats. "This is perfectly normal for a girl, Sokka."

He huffed with anger and asked through his teeth, "What's normal?"

"To discover men, of course," Katara finally said. "It's nothing to be ashamed of. You're beginning to notice guys."

Jumping to his feet, Sokka yelled, "There's no way that's true!"

Katara just smiled up at him. "Although, it may be a bit soon. Poor Suki just left." He took a step back, turning away from Katara. His sister looked surprised and then stood up too. "Sokka… Wait… Are you serious? I was only teasing." Silence enveloped the area, only the light sounds of sparring were heard in the distance. Katara stepped to him and then gently turned him around. Her eyes went wide, seeing the tears stubbornly welling in Sokka's eyes. "Sokka…"

"I don't understand what's happening to me. I keep crying. People keep comforting me. I…" Sokka trailed off.

She looked down for a moment and then met her brother's eyes with determination shining behind her eyes. "Okay, I'm sorry. I didn't know you were taking Suki's leaving so hard. I should have known, but you were always so…stoic before when it came to stuff like this."

"It used to be easier to pretend," Sokka admitted and then he shook his head. "It isn't just Suki. I've been having weird feelings all the time. New feelings. Different feelings. Intense ones."

Katara sighed and said, "I'm not sure if girls feel things more potently than men. I think men just aren't allowed to feel because it isn't manly. Maybe you've kind of opened the flood gates. You're not just feeling about Suki, but you're feeling everything you've pent up. Probably for years—before you even met Yue. You never reacted much after Mom. Sure, you relied on me, but only because you were young. You never confided in me or showed any emotion about what happened… You learned to turn your grief into humor."

Sokka walked away a bit and kicked some snow. "I want to go back to how I was."

"Aang said—"

He turned suddenly, taking Katara by surprised, and pointed at the ground as he said, "Aang doesn't know what it's like!"

Putting up her hands, Katara said, "I know. Sorry. You're right. He doesn't know what it's like to be a girl. I do, but I also don't know what it's like to be a boy who turned into a girl."

"I tried, Katara," Sokka said. "I tried my best to keep Suki, but I couldn't. I was so afraid of losing her, but in the end… I knew I had already lost her ages ago."

Katara looked genuinely confused. "Is this about you or Suki?"

"Both," Sokka said. "And not both. Both up until a certain point. It's complicated."

Blowing one of her hair loops, Katara said, "That's an understatement."

Sokka smiled a bit, but it faded quickly. "Point is that I already got over Suki long before any of this happened. I knew she would never want to be with me once she found out—I figured it was only a matter of time. You know the rest."

"I know it's hard to admit when things don't turn out well, but you can make it through," Katara said.

"That's not even half of it, though," Sokka said.

Katara gaped for a moment. "There's more?"

Sokka shrugged. "Only a little bit more. Thing is that what was really frustrating was how powerless I felt throughout the whole ordeal. Powerless, scared, and overcome." He looked away. "I was used to encountering things head-on. Always been that way, but for whatever reason… I somehow became a coward. Scared of everything. To the point that I stopped training. Suki got caught in the middle of that—it's what I'm really upset about. I guess I was so caught up in it that I didn't stop to consider that putting off telling her was hurting her. She was going to marry me, after all—what would have happened if I told her after we got married?"

"Maybe you would have worked it out? You still might." Katara said.

Her brother looked doubtful and he said, "There's being optimistic and then there's being foolish. I'm not that far gone to realize what really happened when Suki got on that boat."

Katara crossed her arms and asked, "What do you think happened?"

"Not what I think. What I know." Sokka said and then looked down at the snow. He put left hand on his right elbow and sighed. "Suki isn't coming back. This isn't a break; it's a break-up. She may need some time to think about it, but when we meet again on Kyoshi Island, it's what she'll tell me. It's the logical conclusion to this mess. She doesn't want a wife. It's as simple as that."

His sister frowned at him. "I don't get it."

He cocked an eyebrow. "Don't get what?"

"You used to be so in love with her," Katara said.

He nodded and said, "Still am, honestly. Like I told her, I'll love her forever. Same as Yue."

Katara took a step forward. "Then isn't this worth fighting for? Is it really okay for you to just give up?"

"You really don't get it, do you?" Sokka took a step forward as well, so they were only inches apart. He glared at her. "There's no bad guy here. No one gave up anything without a fight. No one accepted this on a whim. This was hard for both of us. In the end, breaking up is the best thing to do. She can find someone new—a real man—and I…"

"And you?"

Sokka's face softened and the fire behind his eyes faded. "I'm not sure…"

Katara sighed and put her finger on Sokka's sternum. "This is where a real man is. Your body is just a vessel. If you want to be a real man for Suki, it could still happen."

Sokka gently pushes her finger away. "I appreciate what you're trying to say, but the point stands: it's not how the real world is. The reality is that I'm a woman."

"You can say that awfully easy, but I wonder if you really believe it," Katara said, looking at him as if she was trying to pierce into Sokka's soul with her eyes.

Sokka stared right back at Katara. "I would be lying if I said I was thrilled with the idea, but honestly… I don't mind being a woman." The words came out. After they were out, it took a moment before Sokka's hand came up and covered his mouth. He trembled with shock. The words weren't what frightened him. It was the sincerity of them. How matter-of-fact they were. Most importantly: they were honest, coming from the deepest parts of him that he was trying to ignore. For a long time. From before he had ever met Suki, or Yue, or even left the South Pole. The reason why he got caught up on proving himself as a man. He wanted to be like his father because the chief was the manliest guy he knew. He wanted to join the army because being a warrior was the manliest professional he knew. It was all to cover up one simple fact: he wasn't a man. He never had been.

Katara's eyebrows turned upward with concern. "Sokka? Are you okay? You look a little pale." He could plainly see Katara reaching out, but her voice felt like it was coming from somewhere far off. Even when she lightly grabbed his arm, the touch felt like nothing more than an echo of a touch. The kind of sensation you get when you try to recall the touch of someone at some point in the future.

He became aware of himself again suddenly and stepped away from Katara, brushing her away. "I'm fine, I… I need to get going to the ship. Zuko is probably finished his preparations by now."

"You don't seem fine. Maybe you should wait another day before leaving."

"I can't do that," Sokka said, looking away from his sister. "I need to figure this out. If I stay here another day, I might change my mind and I really don't want that to happen."

Surprisingly, Katara didn't inquire any further. Maybe she could tell that Sokka was getting more upset toward the end of the conversation and simply didn't want to make it worse. When the two siblings arrived at the docks, they found a handful of the soldiers standing there, including all of the female recruits. The chief and Zuko were standing nearby the ship in a strangely heated conversation. As they approached, Yukara and the other women of the guard came running over.

"This is sudden, Sokka," Yukara said.

Sokka gave a small smile and said, "Sorry, this thing just came up and… It's just something that I need to do."

Yukara nodded. "I understand. Still, we were learning a lot from you. It's a shame to see you leave."

He gave a laugh and said, "It's not like I'm leaving forever, you know. I'll be back soon. Until then, I'm sure the men will continue teaching you. You've all learned a lot and I've learned a lot from you."

Sokka gave a bow and they gave a bow in return.

When he turned to his father and Zuko, Sokka noticed that Aang had appeared between them. Sokka's brows descended with curiosity and he approached the three men. He walked in on the middle of a conversation.

"I don't understand why this is such a big deal," Zuko said, rubbing his forehead with exasperation.

Aang frowned and appeared to be thinking.

Hakoda folded his arms and stood tall. "It would be one thing if you were taking her away for some Avatar business, but you seemed too anxious to take her away."

Shock gripped at Sokka's breath, his eyes got wide and his left lower eyelid twitched. Stomping over, Sokka glared up at his father. "What's this all about?"

The chief looked taken aback by Sokka's appearance at the scene. "Oh, Sokka! Hey, um… We were just talking about you."

"I gathered that," Sokka said.

Aang appeared at Sokka's side. "In your father's defense, this trip was planned suddenly."

Sokka nodded. "I get that part, but that's not the point."

"It's not?" Aang asked.

This had been an emotional day for him, so he couldn't help it. Sokka glared at his father. "You want to talk about sudden? How about your sudden insistence to treat me like a little girl?"

"I didn't mean it like—"

Jabbing his finger against Hakoda's chest, Sokka said, "Yeah, I'm a girl. Yes, I'm your daughter. I'm not little. I'm not a child. If I want to travel to the other side of the world, I can." Sokka gestured at Katara. "Katara does it all the time."

Hakoda's expression softened and he put his hands on Sokka's shoulders. "I understand what you're trying to say, but Katara's situation and yours are completely different. You're still adjusting to this new life. I'm worried that you're not ready for something like this."

"I appreciate that, but why were you involving Zuko? He was just being a friend."

The chief frowned at that. "I'm not so sure. It seemed like he was too eager to take my vulnerable daughter away from me."

Sokka threw his hands up in the air. "Why is everyone telling me to wait, telling me who I am, and telling me what I should do." He jabbed his thumb toward himself. "I make the decisions for my life. I decide what I'm doing and where I'm going." After a moment, Sokka stood up straight, let out a breath and said, "This was my idea, Dad. Zuko only offered a ride. I would be going with or without his help."

Hakoda nodded and said, "Alright, but I'm still not sure about you being alone with him."

Suddenly, the gears inside Sokka's head screeched as they began to turn with a little rust. "Wait… Wait a second. Are you saying you're angry because you think Zuko…" He looked at the Fire Lord and then back at his father. "You think Zuko and me?"

"What else am I supposed to think? My beautiful youngest daughter is going away with some strange man." Hakoda said this with a nod.

All of the frustration and anger that was bursting out of Sokka suddenly evaporated into a storm of laughter. Sokka held his sides and tears started forming at the edges of his eyes. Everyone just watched in surprise. After a moment, Sokka wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Like anything would ever happen between me and a guy." He pointed at the Fire Lord. "And Zuko?!"

Hakoda looked like Sokka had taken all of the wind out of his sails. "It's a legitimate fear a father should have."

Walking over to Zuko, Sokk nudged him. "My favorite part was when he called me 'beautiful.' Funny stuff, right?"

The Fire Lord looked a bit flushed as he said, "Oh, yeah… Funny." He laughed forcefully and coughed.

Sokka cocked an eyebrow at him. "You coming down with something? You've been doing that weird cough thing for a while."

Aang looked from the chief to the Fire Lord and asked, "So this is over now?"

"It should have never been a thing to begin with," Sokka said. With that, he grabbed Zuko's forearm and started dragging him to the ship. "Let's go."

The soldiers were screaming good-byes as Sokka left the docks behind him, stepping onto the metal Fire Nation ship. He tried his best not to look back, but he did. The female soldiers were waving. Katara and Aang were standing next to a visibly upset Hakoda, but he wasn't stopping the ship from disembarking. Slowly, the ship closed. The last thing Sokka saw was Katara looking at him. It was apparent that she didn't think that leaving was a good idea either. Why was everyone he knew so crazy?