This is set during season four episode one, which was called "Mayhem". Some of the dialogue in this appeared in that episode
Shoulda
Penelope and Derek
May 2008
He was going to die without ever kissing her. As the ambulance careened through city streets, laden down with explosives, Derek Morgan knew he should be thinking about how he was going to get out of this alive but all he could think about was her- Penelope Garcia.
The voice in his ear. The comfort in his darkest hour. The brightest light in his world. The only woman in his life who had ever mattered. Did she know all she meant to him? Could she have any clue of all he regretted never doing with her?
(Shoulda kissed you there.
I should have held your face.
I should have watched those eyes
instead of run in place.
I should have called you out.
I should have said your name.
I should have turned around.
I should have looked again.) (The Mess I Made by Parachute)
"There's something I really want you to know, Garcia."
She didn't want to hear it though. All she wanted was for him to survive this night. There was no promise he would though so he tried to use his last minute to tell her something that might leave her knowing that he had appreciated and treasured her place in his life.
Derek had never been good at saying "I love you," to anyone. With her he had finally gotten those words out- surprising both of them that he could say what had been unspoken for so long. But he more than loved her. He needed her. In moments like this, there was no one else who he would want having his back. No one he could trust as much as he did Garcia.
He hated that he was making her go through this. Hated that their time together could end like this. Hated that he couldn't even call her his woman. She had given her heart, her body and all her dreams to another man.
Now Derek could be just about to die and it was all because he had made a thousand wrong turns in his life. The ones with her are what really hurt the most at the end of the day though.
(Should have held my ground.
I could have been redeemed
for every second chance
that changed its mind on me.
I should have spoken up.
I should have proudly claimed
that all my head's to blame
for all my heart's mistakes)
"Save it. Just get out," she told him.
"No, no, no, I'm not quite there yet. Just listen to me. You know what you are, Garcia?" Taking a sharp turn he drove over the curb and into the park, hit the gas hard, reached for the door of the ambulance and threw himself out.
An explosion filled the night sky.
"Morgan!" Her terrified voice rang out from his cell phone, as he lay in a heap on the ground.
Slowly he dragged himself to his feet, dirty and banged up but miraculously still alive. Now he was able to tell her how he felt about her place in his life. Maybe it wouldn't change anything. She'd still love Kevin Lynch. Derek would still be the idiot who had every chance to ask her to be with him and let them all pass him by for the stupid reason of thinking he wasn't ready to be serious with anyone. Maybe tommorow would look much like today had.
Except she'd have heard his words tonight. Heard how he couldn't live without her. How he would never want to. How he believed she was an angel that he could never do without.
"Derek?" she whispered into the phone.
"Garcia, I'll tell you what you are to me," he said, panting from exertion. "You're my God given solace. Woman, you promise me one thing: whatever happens, don't you ever stop talking to me."
"I can't right now cause I'm mad at you."
"I can wait."
He prayed he didn't have to wait for the whole rest of his life just to find out he would never get another chance to ask her to be with him. But the truth about what they could ever share together wouldn't be answered today.
Today he was bruised, tired and weary but still, thankfully, breathing to fight another day. Maybe that day would be the one where Penelope forgave him and offered one last chance for them. One more is all he would need.
But Derek didn't know if that chance would ever come.
(I'm staring at the mess I made.
I'm staring at the mess I made.
I'm staring at the mess I made
as you turn, you take your heart and walk away.
And its you.
And its you.
And its you.
And its you.
And its falling down as you walk away.
And its on me now and you go.
Oh, I'm staring at the mess I made.
I'm staring at the mess I made.
I'm staring at the mess I made.
As you turn, you take your heart and walk away.)
Hours later he wasn't too happy to hear that she was at the hospital, in the crowded waiting room, waiting to make sure that he was all right. Reid is the one who told him. Derek didn't like how Penelope had braved the New York city streets on a night when there had been a terrorist attack. He wanted her safely tucked into bed back at the hotel. She was way too hard headed to do that though.
After he was released he made his way to the waiting room. His eyes scanned it. He looked past all the other tired and emotionally exhausted people till his gaze settled on her.
"Baby girl," he called out, just loud enough to get her attention.
Her eyes rose up off the magazine that she had been reading. She hurried to her feet. Relief shone in her dark eyes. "Morgan." The way she said his name was sweet like music to his ears.
He stood stock still, just staring at her, as she hurried across the room. Derek was surprised when she flung herself into his arms. The feel of her warm body, and knowing how she needed to hold him right there, was like balm to his aching soul. He was even more surprised when her hands found his cheeks and pulled his head down. Then her lips pressed against his- time stilled, his world titled, his brain froze, his heart mended, and life became so good in an instant.
After a moment he wrapped her in his arms and returned her kiss. Slowly, softly, gently they kissed each other for just a moment. Yet it was a kiss better than any other in his life. A kiss not of just lust but filled with tender grace.
As he pulled back his eyes fluttered open slowly, heavy and lidded from passion. He stared down into her eyes- wide and questioning but also determined. In her expression he felt he could read some of her thoughts, see her grim determination to say to hell with what she maybe should do or feel and just go for it, whether anyone liked it or not. He felt like she wanted him to know that when she thought he was going to die all she had wanted to do, other than help him to survive, was to kiss him, at least one time in her life.
Just like all he had wanted was to have her kiss.
A long silent moment passed before he asked "Are you ready?" The question meant so much more than just leaving the hospital.
"I'm ready." Her eyes shimmered then and she fought back a silly smile.
He wrapped his arm around her waist. "Yes, you are," he drawled out. "Come on. You stick with me and it won't matter where we go, its gonna be the perfect place for us."
"Handsome, if there were not children around I would tell you the only perfect place I can think of for me and you."
"Hush, gorgeous." A huge grin curved his lips and he laughed a little before starting to lead her toward the door.
They made it a few steps before she stopped and gave him a very startled expression.
"What?" he asked, concerned.
"My coat and purse! I almost left them behind."
"Oh." He chuckled again. "Go." He watched her as she crossed the room, gathered her belongings, said goodbye to the spanish woman who had been sitting next to her, and the toddler on the woman's lap, pointed out Derek to them and then Penelope made her way back to him. "Are you ready now?" he teased.
She nodded in the cutest way. "Finally, yep. I promise you that I'm really, really ready. Are you, Derek Morgan, really, really ready?"
"Uh, yeah."
She teased him, obviously able to see the truth of his love written all over his face but also well aware of his past fears of settling down. "Uh? Does uh mean Oh my God, what am I agreeing to?"
He laughed. "Uh means Duh, you should know, woman, that Derek Morgan has done been ready."
She beamed at him. Her smile filled his heart with joy. He helped her put her coat on. Gently lifted her hair so it wasn't trapped beneath her coat. Then he took her hand and led her outside, where they got a cab. She snuggled against him in the backseat.
His shoulder didn't even hurt in that moment because pure adrenaline, and the painkillers he was on, wiped the pain away. Derek enjoyed that moment in the cab: not saying a word, Penelope pressed against him, their fingers intertwined.
He hadn't been lying. She was his solace. Derek thanked God for Penelope every day and he thanked God for this chance to maybe be her man.
She whispered to him, as they were finally at the street where their hotel was located, "God given solace is the most beautiful thing anyone ever said to me."
Over the lump in his throat he promised her, in a hushed whisper, "And I meant every word." A moment later he raised her chin with two fingers and stared into her eyes. "Tonight, in that ambulance, I didn't have time for my life to flash before my eyes. But in the few minutes I was in there, when I didn't know if I'd make it in time, I did see something in my head. You wanna know what?"
She nodded.
He answered "I saw you."
Leaning forward slowly Derek brought his lips to Penelope's again. Unexpectedly, at that early dawn hour after the stress of the last few days and their very fragile first tentative steps to being lovers, their kiss turned heated in an instance.
The cab stopped. Derek kept kissing Penelope as he dug in his back pocket for his wallet. Then he pulled his lips away long enough to pay the cabbie, while she started to nibble his throat.
Soon they were out of the cab and kissing on the city street, kissing in the lobby, kissing by the elevator. It opened and they fell inside, against the wall, kissing some more, stopping just for her to press the button to her floor. Laughing when she forgot what floor she was on.
Before they could get out of the elevator Penelope's phone went off. Reluctantly she checked it and found out that they had to be ready to leave for home in less than two hours.
They went back to kissing and kept kissing till they got to her room. Finally he insisted that they stop, calm down and talk. It was hard to do but he didn't want to rush her into a quickee when he had a banged and bruised body, she had a boyfriend at home, and they had so much left unsaid between them.
Sitting on the couch in her room, with sunlight streaming in onto them, they held hands and whispered words of love, regret and apology. They confessed their desire to be more to each other. Between kisses and hushed, emotional conversation the hour flew by.
Soon Derek had to head back to his room. He wanted to arrange to drive Hotch home because Hotch couldn't fly. Penelope would join the rest of the team on the BAU jet.
Derek held her for a long moment right before he had to leave. He let in and out a slow, peaceful breath. "Just think, if you hadn't come along with us for this case then none of this would have happened. Wouldn't that be a damn shame?"
"We would have always happened, sooner or later. Its you, Derek. For me, its always been you."
Warmth washed through him. Maybe he hadn't made such a mess of his life after all. Not if Penelope Garcia still believed in him.
THE END